The Power of Positive Thought!

Wilson is still in very high spirits, sitting in the garden with his crayons and his friends, working on his new ant-related game. 

I can't help thinking it's the 'ant-related' bit that's holding his games back, but what do I know?

Polly-B is out there too, just keeping a responsible motherly eye on everyone and making sure no-one gets glued to the patio. 

Or each other. 

Or tries glue-sniffing. 

More bad news…

Yesterday wasn't a brilliant day for Wilson, what with him missing seeing the mole through being in the ER at the Hospital, then being given what he thought was a photograph of the mole, but turned out to be just an accidental snap of Antony. 

But he accepted it all with great equanimity, I thought, saying that Antony had only been trying to help, and in any case it was quite a good picture, if a bit blurry. 

This morning, however, he received some more bad news — a "Cease And Desist" letter from someone claiming to represent the Top Trumps Company saying that Wilson was not allowed to sell his Top Trumps: Ants game without their permission.

I thought this would be the last straw for poor old Wilson, but he took it extremely well, saying, 'Top Trumps is so 1970s anyway — I've just had an idea for a much better game!'

Wildlife photography

Wilson turned to Antony. 'You took a photograph of the mole? You clever, clever lad! Then all perhaps is not lost — I shall still see the little guy!' Relief spread across his furry face.

'Um, it didn't turn out very well…' Antony explained, hesitantly.

'Nonsense!' Wilson rejoined, 'I'm sure it's splendid. I shall have it framed and hang it in the Living Room!'

'No, it really isn't very good…' Antony continued, as he went into the kitchen to fetch the photograph.

Returning a few minutes later, he handed Wilson a Polaroid.

'Oh!' Wilson exclaimed, 'It's very out of focus, but I can still just make him out. He looks a lot like you, Antony!'

Antony shuffled from foot to foot, before admitting, 'That's because it is me, I hoped you wouldn't notice. The camera went off unexpectedly, while I was looking through the wrong end of the viewfinder…'

Good news… Bad news…

When we returned home from the Hospital, everyone was out on the front drive to greet us. Wilson assumed this was because they'd been worried about him, so he climbed out of the car to assure them that he was fully recovered, but before he could say anything Johnson Major called out to him, 'We've seen the mole!'

W ran into the back garden, followed by the rest of the family, but when he arrived at the mole-hills there was no mole to be seen.

'Where is he then?' he asked, 'Where's the mole?'

Polly explained that the earth had started moving and another molehill had gradually appeared, then after a couple of minutes a tiny mole had popped his head out of the top of the new hill.

'Yes, and?' Wilson urged, circling his paw in a 'hurry up, talk faster' gesture.

'Well, he was very nice!' Polly assured W, 'but he said he couldn't stay. He said he had things to do…'

'Is he coming back?' W asked, hopefully.

'He didn't mention it, so I think not. But he did say he was sorry to have missed you!' 

Polly tried to sound reassuring, but W was beyond consolation. 

'I took his photo!' Antony piped up.

Accident and Emergency

Just in case the mole made another appearance, Wilson insisted that everyone come and keep watch on the molehills while we went to A&E to have his megaphone removed. 

Once everybody had gathered in the garden and been briefed on what to do in the event of a mole-sighting, W and I made yet another trip to the Village Hospital, with yet another embarrassing injury. Wilson must be getting a bit of a reputation with the staff there…

We saw the Triage Nurse as soon as we arrived, then after a bit of a wait, during which time I poked a series of inappropriate snacks from the hospital vending machine into the end of the megaphone, we saw the ER Doctor.

After questioning us about W's mishap, he produced a long feather from his desk drawer and introduced the tickly end into the megaphone. After a good deal of snuffling, Wilson gave an enormous sneeze and the megaphone flew off his nose.

On the way home we called in to Peacocks to buy him a replacement sun hat!

Sun hat mishap...

While I had no objection to Wilson staying in the garden to watch for the mole, I was worried about him getting sunburned, so I told him he could remain outside only if he wore his sun hat. 

Since he no longer trusted Uncle Zoltan, I promised to keep vigil until he returned, promising to call him if there was any mole-related activity.

W ran off into the house for his sun hat, but was gone for quite a long time. 

When he finally emerged, he was wearing not his sun hat but his megaphone!

'I couldn't find my hat, New Dad, so I improvised with this,' he said.

I agreed that it would certainly provide excellent sun protection, but wondered whether he could actually see anything.

'Not really.' he replied, 'Also, it's just slightly stuck on my head...'

Wilson takes a snooze

Wilson flinched but said nothing. His unratified Decoration has been a source of distress to him for years now, but I think he's starting to accept that his OBE may never be recognised by The Royal Family. Or anyone else, for that matter.

After a bit of snorting, he settled down to watch the molehill keeping completely still and silent — neither of which states come naturally to him. 

While he stared intently at the heap of earth his eyelids became heavier and began to droop, his breathing grew slower, deeper... deeper, until he began to drift away…

Suddenly he awoke with a start and beheld: another molehill!

'What happened?' he asked.

'Well, the mole built another molehill — he's a busy little fellow!' Uncle Z chuckled.

'But you didn't wake me?' W demanded in a tone of disbelief.

'You were sleeping so soundly, I thought the rest would do you good,' the elderly bee (or wasp, or hornet, or whatever he is) replied. 

Wilson stamped around the garden for a few minutes to ensure he was wide awake and fully alert, before returning to his long mole-watching vigil.

Birthday Honours List

'Moles?' Wilson repeated, 'What's "Moles"?'

Uncle Z gave a derisory snort. 'You are a city boy, aren't you!' he observed. 'Moles is little furry things that scuttle about underground in tunnels.'

W turned to me and announced that he wanted, no needed, a pet mole. It is apparently the one thing he has always most wanted in the world (after being a millionaire, presumably).

I considered for a moment and told him I couldn't see any harm in it, as long as no cages were involved. The mole must live in the garden and be free to leave when he wants.

'Brilliant!' W shouted, 'I'm going to have a mole! Where is he?'

'He's down under there somewhere,' Uncle Z replied. 'You'll have to wait quietly and watch. Can you do "quietly"? I've never seen any evidence of it.'

Wilson sat stock still with his eyes fixed on the mole hill.

'Oh, by the way,' Uncle Z added as an afterthought, 'You're not in the Queen's Birthday Honours List. Again. I checked the Court Circular this morning.'

The Periodic Table

'Aah yes, the... um, Periodic Table of Ants!' Wilson replied, 'It's progressing well and will be a boon to mankind and science!'

'That's good to hear,' I said, 'because I was hoping we could take that ghastly "secrecy curtain" down soon and resto…'

Wilson cut me off: 'Out of the question, I'm afraid!' before deftly changing the subject.

'What on earth is that on the lawn?'

He ran over to a loose pile of soil and regarded it suspiciously.

'It looks like an Asteroid Crater!' he announced, 'We must prepare for imminent catastrophe — everyone to the Asteroid Shelter!'

Uncle Zoltan strolled out on to his balcony and observed sardonically, "That's no asteroid! You've got Moles, my boy. Moles.'

Not Quite Sport

Today I found just about the whole family out in the garden, all playing Top Trumps: Ants. There was little or no arguing, and everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves. 

I was almost surprised not to find Uncle Zoltan out there too, saying 'That's not how we played Top Trumps when I was a boy!' but it's probably too sunny for him.

This isn't exactly the Outdoor Exercise that Wilson's psychiatrist recommended, but it's good to see him getting some sunshine and fresh air.

Between hands, while the cards were being shuffled, I interrupted to ask W how his Periodic Table of Ants was coming along.

He frowned with blank eyes, as if racking his memory...

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Top Trumps

Wilson has now finished designing his special Top Trumps Ants game. This morning he printed out a full deck and challenged me to a game. 

By the time he'd beaten me seven times straight he'd concluded that my ant knowledge was just about non-existent and that I'm a slow learner. 

Both of these observations are probably fair comment, but I had come to a different conclusion: that this might not be the best Top Trumps game to sell to humans — I can't see this making him the £1Million he so desperately needs… 

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Satori

Around 4am today, Wilson had a moment of Satori, of Enlightenment, of Clarity! 

Honestly, I'd have been just as happy if he hadn't woken me up to share it with me, but it's done now. Anyway, his idea was to post his video to YouTube. 

'That's the place to go Viral, New Dad!' he told me, with rather more enthusiasm than I could handle at that time of day…

By breakfast his video had been up on YouTube for four hours and still hadn't gone viral. Wilson said that 'Going Viral' is taking much longer than he'd expected, so he's starting another project before he gets bored: Top Trump Ants!

He settled down at the kitchen table with his Ant Reference Books and crayons and set to work.

Wilson's Music Video is now on YouTube, so EVERYBODY should be able to see and hear it, including iPad users! 

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Fly-posting

Wilson was up and about early this morning — he popped into the village to fly-post some posters for his record and music video. I'm so afraid he'll get into trouble for this one day, but he just tells me that I worry too much.

He's gone off his first poster a bit and designed a new one in bright yellow. There's a copy of it attached, and he says that if you all print out and display a copy it would make him very happy. 

Also it would save me quite a lot in printer ink...

Catch the music and the video free at: http://tinyurl.com/ow57g73

Technical Problems cause disappointment

Wilson is puzzled and disheartened by the fact that, while some people can see his Music Video just fine, others can't. 

It seems to play okay on Macs, PCs and Android devices, but not on iPads. He looks to me for help, but I really don't know what to say — I'm not very technical like that. 

I try to comfort him with the fact that, of those who could see the video, the response has been very positive. Considering.

'This isn't the way to make it go Viral, New Dad!' he complains morosely… 

Anyway, he's made a poster to help promote it.

Music Video World Premiere

The sense of expectation in the room was palpable as Wilson pressed the PLAY button with his claw and the video started…

If you can't see and hear the video here, please use this link:

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Wilson assuages his guilt

At this point, showing great bravery and presence of mind, Wilson turned off the robot's Emergency Switch, thus saving the day. 

Ever since then the robot has been a static exhibit in Wilson's 'Museum of Old Stuff And a Robot' but every time he enters he feels the reproachful gaze of the defunct android upon him, and a shiver of guilt passes through him. 

He always maintained that the robot could easily have passed the Turing Test, if only he hadn't been trying to rip everyone to pieces…

So this record, dedicated to The Robot, is Wilson's apology, his expression of regret, his act of contrition for turning off a sentient machine.

Anyway, today everyone has gathered in the living room to see the first ever showing of: (Don't Make Me Be) This Machine -- the Music Video. 

W outlined the above story for the benefit of those too young or too vague to remember the incident, then pressed PLAY on the remote. 

The screen burst into life and there was an expectant intake of breath from the assembled...

A mystery is revealed...

Wilson's parcel arrived last Monday, but we've been too busy to tell you what was in it!

W carried the package proudly into the kitchen, opened it and removed a load of 7-inch vinyl records — I didn't even know they were still a thing. 

When I questioned him about them, he asked me whether I remembered 'The Robot.'

How could I ever forget?

A couple of years ago, Wilson watched a documentary on TV about an orphanage for baby sloths, and apparently each sloth needs a soft toy to cuddle — it seems they can't survive without this comfort. 

W designed and built a robot to help him make teddy-bears, which he intended to send to the orphanage for the sloths (the bears, not the robot!)… but once he switched the robot on it ran amok!

First it ripped apart several prototype teddy-bears, then tried to do the same with little Antony and Wilson!

To be continued...

The Facts of Life

Hi, this is Polly-B and Billi-B, the Bees, guesting on Wilson's 'Antwars 2' Blog once again.

Today we will start to tell you the true facts about the Birds and the Bees, sometimes called The Facts Of Life!

First of all, forget all the fairy-tales about ovipositors and suchlike you may have heard, the truth is much, much worse…

One day each year, called BeeDay, all the young girl bees dress up as Princesses in tiaras and tutus. Some of the boy bees do the same, but make no mistake: the Hive is not an equal-opportunity environment, and they soon get asked to leave.

Then all the little princess bees take part in a beauty pageant, to see which is the most beautifulest, friendliest and kindest bee of all. I'm not going to lie, this does involve a fair amount of eye-gouging, wing-pulling and leg-biting — quite a lot like your human Miss World contest.

Then finally, one princess bee remains conscious and able to walk down the bee-walk [it's like a cat-walk, but smaller and with more pollen] and is crowned Queen Bee!

Next month, we'll tell you what happens thereafter… but before that, here is an important announcement: 

If you should come across an exhausted bee on the ground, it's probably been overworking. Please dissolve a little sugar in a teaspoon of water and offer it to the bee. This could actually save its life!

Online Delivery Tracking

Today I found Wilson in the living room with his MacBook and looking a bit suspicious, as though he didn't want me to see what he was looking at.

'What's up, matey?' I enquired.

W shuffled around in his seat, before replying evasively, 'Um… nothing?'

I raised one eyebrow and fixed him with a stern stare. Antony coughed, and whispered to W, 'You're going to have to tell him eventually!'

W took a deep breath and said, 'Okay, I'm tracking a parcel — but you can't ask me anything about it as it's a complete secret!'

I let it lie, as I know I'll find out soon enough… for good or ill.

Tomorrow is the day of the Bees' Guest Blog. They say that they'll be starting on their series on The Facts Of Life, and suggest you might want to sit down before you start reading it.

Incidentally, my EarWorm seems to have subsided, thanks for asking. 

That is such a relief — it was driving me mad!

Souvenir Rock

After Wilson had opened his birthday presents, he distributed the rest of his sticks of souvenir Great Yarmouth Rock.

W's goldfish, Diesel, always looks forward to his stick, as does sTony, but his brother sToneye never really sees the point of it and usually lets sTony eat his.

In other news, who knew Ear Worms were contagious? Guess who's got Spanish Harlem Incident stuck in his head now? Me! 

Grrrrr...