TT's COMEDY NITE

Tiny Toy is missing the opportunity to perform at live gigs so, like many other comedians, he has resorted to on-line performances.

 

To celebrate the Summer Solstice he has borrowed Wilson's laptop, set up some lights and started to stream his show:

Hello! Good evening! I'm Tiny Toy – I may be tiny, but at least I don’t have to bend down to tie my shoelaces… which is nice.

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger – but then it hit me.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. Think about it. Not for too long…

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot. Just like your enthusiastic applause does… even though I can't hear it…

Oh, I've just seen the clock, and it's high time I was going – oh hang on, it's not a clock, it's a barometer… in which case it's high pressure I was going.

Thank you! Thank you! I've been Tiny Toy, and I hope you've been a wonderful audience! Goodnight!

When he came off stage (ie climbed off the laptop) he said it was very difficult working online without any audience feedback, but that wouldn't deter him.

 

What a little trouper!

 

 

THE ONE WHERE sTONEYE GOES TO THE OPTICIAN

Following sTony's recent visit to the dentist, sToneye – perhaps feeling a bit left out – expressed a desire to have an eye test.

 

Consequently, Wilson and Byron have taken both sTone Brothers round to the opticians in the village – reasoning that this would be safer than the 'Dominic Cummings Eye Test' where we'd just let sToneye drive around in the car to see whether he hit anything.

 

After a few minutes in the waiting area they were called into the consulting room where, with the optician's help, sToneye took a seat in the examination chair.

 

As soon as he sat down it was obvious there was a problem.

 

The optician was very apologetic, saying that while they frequently treated patients with only one eye, their equipment was not optimised for cyclopean consultations.

 

She continued to test sToney's vision by simply holding the test lenses in front of his single ocular organ, while sTony sat in the half-light anxiously asking, 'What's going on? Is everything alright? Are you okay, bro?' 

 

Eventually the optometrist pronounced sToneye to have 'Excellent' sight and not in need of any corrective visual aid.

 

She also waived the fee for the examination, in view of any embarrassment their lack of facilities may have caused, which I thought was very fair.

 

IN OTHER NEWS, Tiny Toy says he has something 'Amazing and Astonishing' planned for tomorrow!

I wouldn't expect too much – when all's said and done, he is a plush toy's plush toy…

 

 

AN IRATE TELEPHONE CALL

Now that non-essential shops, zoos and safari parks have re-opened, Wilson reasons that it can't be long until art galleries also get the go-ahead and he will finally be able to re-open The Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery.

 

This morning he was in Nërp's workshop monitoring his brother Byron's progress, as he's anxious to mount a Byron Vermilingua Retrospective Exhibition as a re-opening event.

 

He'd just finished exhorting Byron to paint faster when he received a phone call… from his mum.

 

His face fell, as calls from Mrs V usually mean he's in some kind of trouble, but this time she had just phoned to complain about the crowds at the zoo.

 

After the call ended he told me that his mother had apparently grown used to the zoo being closed and having no visitors during lockdown, but suddenly there was once again a 'constant procession of slack-jawed mouth-breathers and rude children filing past' gawping at her and her family.

 

According to Mrs V, some of them even make personal remarks about her appearance and her 'funny nose'!

 

 

RECIPE RESEARCH

Wilson and Byron are still raving about Everything Ant, the new shop in the village and saying how 'Totes peng!' it is… which I assume is a good thing.

 

Today they have commandeered the kitchen while they invent a new recipe which they hope to sell through Everything Ant.

 

Their recipe is for a cooking and marinading Ant Sauce which, according to the packet, is 'Delicious' and like their Mum used to make.

 

Wilson is always telling me what a terrible cook Mrs V was, but I suppose that's not something you want to mention in the advertising… although judging from the smells emerging from the kitchen, I can well believe it!

 

 

Ant Wars 2: SWAG BAG

The boys are back from Everything Ant, with a bag full of booty.

 

'They asked me to take round some of the books I've written, so they can stock them!' Wilson told me breathlessly.

 

Byron added, 'And they liked our Snoot Animal Face Masks so much they've placed an order for 20!'

 

While they continued unpacking their shopping I put them in an even better mood with the news that their Blog has now passed 75000 hits!

 

I don't wish to bring them down when they're so happy and excited, but privately I can't help wondering how sound a business model such a shop is, particularly at a time when the high street is in such dire straits, and in a village with only two potential customers.

 

But time will tell…

 

EVERYTHING ANT

Today lockdown is lifted to the extent that non-essential shops in England can reopen.

 

It is also the day that marks the opening of the new shop in the High Street that has so caught Wilson's and Byron's imaginations: Everything Ant.

 

First thing this morning Wilson and Byron set off together in a state of high excitement.

 

I think they should be safe as they're both wearing Snoot Animal Face Masks, and to err on the side of caution Nërp insisted that they take his Sniff-'n'-Trace iPhone App with them too.

 

Wilson has my VISA card, but I've made him swear not to spend more than £10.

 

 

TROLLS WORLD TOUR

As darkness fell we set off for the drive-in cinema set up in the village park.

As none of us had ever been to a drive-in before, excitement levels were pretty high.
  

We took Nërp with us too, because he'd never been to any sort of cinema before and was curious to experience the difference between the cinema and television, and Jīqìrén because Nërp thought she would enjoy it.
  

Wilson and Byron sat in the front seats so they would get a good view, while I sat in the back with Nërp and Jīqìrén for company – it was a bit of a squash.
  

The movie was about as dire as I had feared and I did my best to sleep through it, but I was constantly woken by Nërp chuckling, explaining things to Jīqìrén or pointing out plot inconsistencies to me.
  

The lads seemed to enjoy it, though, and at least it briefly took their minds off visiting the Everything Ant shop tomorrow.

EXTREME ANTICIPATION

Next Monday non-essential shops will be allowed to open – including the new Everything Ant shop in the High Street.

The sense of expectation and suspense is palpable, as Wilson and Byron speculate on what wonders they will find therein, what essentials they had hitherto not known existed but now they can not live without.

  

They are both so overexcited that I'd had no idea how to occupy them until Monday… until I saw that a Drive-In Cinema has been set up in the village park!

  

Unfortunately, it's showing Trolls World Tour, which sounds like a nightmare – but a nightmare I'm willing to endure if the lads enjoy it.

PRODUCTION LINE

Wilson has decided that when he is finally able to reopen his Art Gallery to the public the ideal Opening Event would be a Retrospective of work by his brother Byron.

I think the reasons for this are twofold;

1) after a period of deprivation the public will be hungry to see new art, and

2) as the works are all painted by his brother, he won't have to pay for them.

Since the ban on the opening of museums and galleries could be lifted imminently and without notice, he is trying to persuade Byron to paint faster, so as to have a substantial body of work ready to go at a moment's notice.

Byron is a bit reluctant, insisting that art can't be hurried and must proceed at its own pace, but despite his misgivings has promised to do his best.

At Wilson's request, Nërp has made several more canvases and easels and set up a production line in his workshop.

Nërp has agreed to Byron's use of his workshop only subject to Byron not touching anything because he's in the process of refurbishing it so it's a bit more comfortable and luxurious.

More comfortable and luxurious for a Robot, that is…

MY ARTISTIC HERO

The Museum of the Moon was surprisingly popular, so Wilson has been devoting a bit more time to his little Art Gallery. 

 

At long last, he has 'acquired' something I can really relate to – a work by my artistic hero Mark Boyle!

 

I first became aware of artist Mark Boyle when he was doing Liquid Light Shows at various London underground clubs – UFO, Middle Earth etc – in the 60s.

 

My acquaintance was renewed when I stumbled across his Journey to the Surface of the Earth show at (I think) the ICA, where I was transfixed.

 

The entire Boyle Family has made a lifelong work of (among other things) Earthprobes: scrutinising and replicating fragments of reality, cloning randomly chosen little areas of ground using fibreglass and original found materials and presenting them back to the viewer as three-dimensional constructions indistinguishable from the real thing.

 

Byron and I stood in front of this work and admired it at some length, and I sincerely thanked Wilson for allowing me to see it.

 

Later, gazing out of the living room window, I noticed a large hole in the road at the bottom of the drive which I'd never noticed before!

 

Surely he hasn't…

_____________

 

There's a lovely film about Mark Boyle here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwFaGh_QpDM

 

THE ONE WHERE sTONY GOES TO THE DENTIST

Since late March, all dental surgeries have remained closed except for the most urgent of emergencies.

 

However since Monday this week, Dentists have been able to choose to re-open if they can do so safely, although they are able to treat far fewer patients per day because of the extra care that must be taken. Treatment is also a lot more expensive than previously due to the massively increased price of PPE.

 

It's time for sTony to have his regular Scale and Polish at the dentist – he doesn't get cavities or decay, but moss tends to grow between his teeth, and nobody wants a Green Smile.

 

Byron and Wilson have taken both him and sToneye round to the dentist – obviously sToneye has no need of dental care, but he and sTony have developed quite a co-dependency over the years, and can't bear to be separated.

 

I suggested to Wilson that while he's there he and B might have their annual inspection too; anteaters famously don't have any teeth, but it doesn't hurt to have their mouths checked out for trapped ant debris and maybe have their tongues cleaned.

 

Anteaters – indeed, non-human animals in general – are not covered by the NHS subsidised fees, but I think dental care is important and worth paying for.

———

In other news, Zoos and Wildlife Parks are due to reopen next Monday – that won't please Wilson's Mum, Mrs V!

 

 

MUSEUM OF THE MOON

Although the Vermilingua Contemporary, like all museums and galleries, is temporarily closed Wilson has not abandoned it – in fact he's just told me about his latest acquisition: Luke Jerram's The Museum Of The Moon.

 

When this was on show at Rochester Cathedral I unfortunately missed the opportunity to visit because the coronavirus outbreak, so you can imagine how excited I am to have another chance to see it!

 

Wilson relieved me of another £5 admission fee (he hasn't yet introduced an annual pass) and ushered me into the gallery. 

 

I was filled with anticipation, yet puzzled, for I knew that The Museum Of The Moon is over 7 metres in diameter… considerably larger than even the longest dimension of the Vermilingua Contemporary.

 

I understood as soon as I entered the exhibition area.

 

'What do you think, New Dad?' he asked, 'It's magnificent, no?'

 

I regarded the lunar globe for some time, before replying, 'Well, yes – although I expected it to be a bit, um, BIGGER!'

 

'But this edition is animated!' he countered. 'Biro – animate the exhibit if you would be so kind.'

 

Byron stretched up to the suspended globe and poked it, whereupon it began a stately rotation on its axis.

 

'Now you're impressed, aren't you?' Wilson insisted, 'The original may have been a bit bigger, but it didn't do that!'

 

When I return to the house, I'm pretty sure I'll discover that my Lunar Globe will have disappeared from the desk in my room…

 

 

A MYSTERY SOLVED

I told you I'd find out what was going on, and I didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to do so.

 

This morning I found the torn out newspaper advert magnetted to the fridge door.

 

I can see why the boys are excited, but honestly this seems a very unlikely venture: a shop for anteaters, in a village where there are only two anteaters – I hope they haven't invested money in it!

 

Perhaps the shop expects to do a lot of mail-order and on-line sales…

 

 

NIGHTHAWKS REVISITED

This is Edward Hopper's most famous and familiar work, and I had hoped Byron would give another of his erudite critiques of Wilson's latest artistic re-creation – perhaps bring some new insights to the work – but he demurred. 

 

He modestly explained that Hopper's 1942 painting Nighthawks was so well known and familiar that he thought there was little he could add to what everyone probably already knew about it… plus (and this is probably the actual reason) he was very busy working on his next painting!

 

Wilson really enjoyed posing for this, as it gave him the opportunity to look cool and enigmatic while wearing his Leonard Cohen Fedora hat – which I imagine is why he selected to re-create this particular painting in the first place.

 

And why he's admiring his depiction in this photo…

 

 

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

According to the Uckfield Examiner, non-essential shops in the High Street may be reopening soon!

 

Byron was helping Wilson read the paper this morning when they spotted an advert announcing a new – and entirely non-essential – shop which has got them both really fired-up.

 

I glanced through the paper when they'd finished it, but I couldn't find what had got them both so excited… but that might be because they'd torn the advert out.

 

I know I'll find out eventually – but the earliest any of these shops can open is still over a week away, so there's plenty of time.

 

 

ANTEATER AT WORK

Byron has almost finished his first painting, and allowed us in to take a look at it.

 

Wilson examined it very closely, then asked, 'Bro – will you be doing any more of these? Enough for an exhibition in the Vermilingua Contemporary?' 

 

The bees stared at it for quite a long time before concluding, 'So it's not flowers, then… we were hoping it would be flowers.'

 

Nërp regarded it critically at some length before declaring, 'It's very blue… all over.'

 

'Yes it is!' Byron agreed, explaining, 'I'm just trying to find my Authentic Artistic Voice by working through some of history's Major Art Movements. This piece saves time by combining Picasso's Blue Period with the New York School's Colour Field works.'

 

Nërp considered this for several moments and declared, 'Oh yes – very blue…'

 

IN OTHER NEWS, Wilson's Blog has now had more than 74,000 hits! 

🎉 🥳

LETTER FROM AMERICA

Wilson is very much a 21st Century Anteater, consequently most of his communication takes place via email.

 

This morning, though, a SnailMail letter arrived addressed to him, and he showed it to me over breakfast.

 

It's a photo from his pen-friends in America – Arnold, Priscilla and Fang (who is about to undergo 'lockdown surgery' – Good Luck, Fang!)

 

You can read about Arnold's Battle With the Mundane on Instagram:  

https://www.instagram.com/the.gourmet.anteater/ 

 

I'm very pleased for Wilson – maybe writing to a pen-friend will take his mind off being confined to the house… 

In other news, Byron has just popped in to say his first painting is almost finished!