EXTREME ANTICIPATION

Next Monday non-essential shops will be allowed to open – including the new Everything Ant shop in the High Street.

The sense of expectation and suspense is palpable, as Wilson and Byron speculate on what wonders they will find therein, what essentials they had hitherto not known existed but now they can not live without.

  

They are both so overexcited that I'd had no idea how to occupy them until Monday… until I saw that a Drive-In Cinema has been set up in the village park!

  

Unfortunately, it's showing Trolls World Tour, which sounds like a nightmare – but a nightmare I'm willing to endure if the lads enjoy it.

PRODUCTION LINE

Wilson has decided that when he is finally able to reopen his Art Gallery to the public the ideal Opening Event would be a Retrospective of work by his brother Byron.

I think the reasons for this are twofold;

1) after a period of deprivation the public will be hungry to see new art, and

2) as the works are all painted by his brother, he won't have to pay for them.

Since the ban on the opening of museums and galleries could be lifted imminently and without notice, he is trying to persuade Byron to paint faster, so as to have a substantial body of work ready to go at a moment's notice.

Byron is a bit reluctant, insisting that art can't be hurried and must proceed at its own pace, but despite his misgivings has promised to do his best.

At Wilson's request, Nërp has made several more canvases and easels and set up a production line in his workshop.

Nërp has agreed to Byron's use of his workshop only subject to Byron not touching anything because he's in the process of refurbishing it so it's a bit more comfortable and luxurious.

More comfortable and luxurious for a Robot, that is…

MY ARTISTIC HERO

The Museum of the Moon was surprisingly popular, so Wilson has been devoting a bit more time to his little Art Gallery. 

 

At long last, he has 'acquired' something I can really relate to – a work by my artistic hero Mark Boyle!

 

I first became aware of artist Mark Boyle when he was doing Liquid Light Shows at various London underground clubs – UFO, Middle Earth etc – in the 60s.

 

My acquaintance was renewed when I stumbled across his Journey to the Surface of the Earth show at (I think) the ICA, where I was transfixed.

 

The entire Boyle Family has made a lifelong work of (among other things) Earthprobes: scrutinising and replicating fragments of reality, cloning randomly chosen little areas of ground using fibreglass and original found materials and presenting them back to the viewer as three-dimensional constructions indistinguishable from the real thing.

 

Byron and I stood in front of this work and admired it at some length, and I sincerely thanked Wilson for allowing me to see it.

 

Later, gazing out of the living room window, I noticed a large hole in the road at the bottom of the drive which I'd never noticed before!

 

Surely he hasn't…

_____________

 

There's a lovely film about Mark Boyle here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwFaGh_QpDM

 

THE ONE WHERE sTONY GOES TO THE DENTIST

Since late March, all dental surgeries have remained closed except for the most urgent of emergencies.

 

However since Monday this week, Dentists have been able to choose to re-open if they can do so safely, although they are able to treat far fewer patients per day because of the extra care that must be taken. Treatment is also a lot more expensive than previously due to the massively increased price of PPE.

 

It's time for sTony to have his regular Scale and Polish at the dentist – he doesn't get cavities or decay, but moss tends to grow between his teeth, and nobody wants a Green Smile.

 

Byron and Wilson have taken both him and sToneye round to the dentist – obviously sToneye has no need of dental care, but he and sTony have developed quite a co-dependency over the years, and can't bear to be separated.

 

I suggested to Wilson that while he's there he and B might have their annual inspection too; anteaters famously don't have any teeth, but it doesn't hurt to have their mouths checked out for trapped ant debris and maybe have their tongues cleaned.

 

Anteaters – indeed, non-human animals in general – are not covered by the NHS subsidised fees, but I think dental care is important and worth paying for.

———

In other news, Zoos and Wildlife Parks are due to reopen next Monday – that won't please Wilson's Mum, Mrs V!

 

 

MUSEUM OF THE MOON

Although the Vermilingua Contemporary, like all museums and galleries, is temporarily closed Wilson has not abandoned it – in fact he's just told me about his latest acquisition: Luke Jerram's The Museum Of The Moon.

 

When this was on show at Rochester Cathedral I unfortunately missed the opportunity to visit because the coronavirus outbreak, so you can imagine how excited I am to have another chance to see it!

 

Wilson relieved me of another £5 admission fee (he hasn't yet introduced an annual pass) and ushered me into the gallery. 

 

I was filled with anticipation, yet puzzled, for I knew that The Museum Of The Moon is over 7 metres in diameter… considerably larger than even the longest dimension of the Vermilingua Contemporary.

 

I understood as soon as I entered the exhibition area.

 

'What do you think, New Dad?' he asked, 'It's magnificent, no?'

 

I regarded the lunar globe for some time, before replying, 'Well, yes – although I expected it to be a bit, um, BIGGER!'

 

'But this edition is animated!' he countered. 'Biro – animate the exhibit if you would be so kind.'

 

Byron stretched up to the suspended globe and poked it, whereupon it began a stately rotation on its axis.

 

'Now you're impressed, aren't you?' Wilson insisted, 'The original may have been a bit bigger, but it didn't do that!'

 

When I return to the house, I'm pretty sure I'll discover that my Lunar Globe will have disappeared from the desk in my room…

 

 

A MYSTERY SOLVED

I told you I'd find out what was going on, and I didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to do so.

 

This morning I found the torn out newspaper advert magnetted to the fridge door.

 

I can see why the boys are excited, but honestly this seems a very unlikely venture: a shop for anteaters, in a village where there are only two anteaters – I hope they haven't invested money in it!

 

Perhaps the shop expects to do a lot of mail-order and on-line sales…

 

 

NIGHTHAWKS REVISITED

This is Edward Hopper's most famous and familiar work, and I had hoped Byron would give another of his erudite critiques of Wilson's latest artistic re-creation – perhaps bring some new insights to the work – but he demurred. 

 

He modestly explained that Hopper's 1942 painting Nighthawks was so well known and familiar that he thought there was little he could add to what everyone probably already knew about it… plus (and this is probably the actual reason) he was very busy working on his next painting!

 

Wilson really enjoyed posing for this, as it gave him the opportunity to look cool and enigmatic while wearing his Leonard Cohen Fedora hat – which I imagine is why he selected to re-create this particular painting in the first place.

 

And why he's admiring his depiction in this photo…

 

 

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO

According to the Uckfield Examiner, non-essential shops in the High Street may be reopening soon!

 

Byron was helping Wilson read the paper this morning when they spotted an advert announcing a new – and entirely non-essential – shop which has got them both really fired-up.

 

I glanced through the paper when they'd finished it, but I couldn't find what had got them both so excited… but that might be because they'd torn the advert out.

 

I know I'll find out eventually – but the earliest any of these shops can open is still over a week away, so there's plenty of time.

 

 

ANTEATER AT WORK

Byron has almost finished his first painting, and allowed us in to take a look at it.

 

Wilson examined it very closely, then asked, 'Bro – will you be doing any more of these? Enough for an exhibition in the Vermilingua Contemporary?' 

 

The bees stared at it for quite a long time before concluding, 'So it's not flowers, then… we were hoping it would be flowers.'

 

Nërp regarded it critically at some length before declaring, 'It's very blue… all over.'

 

'Yes it is!' Byron agreed, explaining, 'I'm just trying to find my Authentic Artistic Voice by working through some of history's Major Art Movements. This piece saves time by combining Picasso's Blue Period with the New York School's Colour Field works.'

 

Nërp considered this for several moments and declared, 'Oh yes – very blue…'

 

IN OTHER NEWS, Wilson's Blog has now had more than 74,000 hits! 

🎉 🥳

LETTER FROM AMERICA

Wilson is very much a 21st Century Anteater, consequently most of his communication takes place via email.

 

This morning, though, a SnailMail letter arrived addressed to him, and he showed it to me over breakfast.

 

It's a photo from his pen-friends in America – Arnold, Priscilla and Fang (who is about to undergo 'lockdown surgery' – Good Luck, Fang!)

 

You can read about Arnold's Battle With the Mundane on Instagram:  

https://www.instagram.com/the.gourmet.anteater/ 

 

I'm very pleased for Wilson – maybe writing to a pen-friend will take his mind off being confined to the house… 

In other news, Byron has just popped in to say his first painting is almost finished!

 

 

SNIFF-N-TRACE APP

A little behind schedule (but not nearly as late as the Government's official app) Nërp is finally ready to reveal his Sniff-'n'-Trace iPhone App.

 

Before showing it to Wilson, he warned him that it had been necessary to add 'one or two hardware peripherals' to ensure its reliable functioning.

 

In spite of the warning, Wilson was not quite prepared for what greeted him when he walked into Nerp's workshop: while the app did appear to run on Wilson's iPhone, it was powered by a massive car battery and connected to a rack of equipment on a little pull-along trolly.

 

'Is this it?' Wilson demanded, clapping his paw to his head. 'Is this the App? It's supposed to fit in your pocket, not be pulled round on a cart!' 

 

Nërp remained positive as he explained that the App had 'higher than anticipated' power requirements, and Warned Wilson, 'I wouldn't test it yet, as I believe the "Nose Receptor Device" may be suffering from Hay Fever… or possibly a Summer Cold – anyway, it's doing a lot of sniffing, and not much tracing.'

 

Before Wilson could speak, a deafening sound came from the loudspeakers on top of the main machine.

 

What with all the feedback and crackling it wasn't easy to be sure, but it might have been an announcement saying: 'Move two metres away or prepare to be exterm-m-m-m-m-m-mmmmmmminated!'

 

At this point we were forced to leave the workshop due to an acrid burning smell – I hope Wilson's iPhone is okay or he'll expect me to buy him a new one…

 

 

PERSONAL PROTECTION EQUIPMENT

While Nërp ponders how to write Wilson's 'World Beating' Sniff-'n'-Trace App, Wilson and Byron have moved on to their next allegedly Great Idea.

 

Wilson has long been troubled by the lack of Animal PPE, and in particular the total absence of face masks suitable for the longer-faced mammal (I'm pretty certain he's referring to anteaters) and has invented the Snoot.

 

This is a conical fabric device which can be easily slipped over the sniffer and will stay in place without awkward elastic straps.

 

They look quite effective, but I wonder how much demand there can be for this kind of thing – it seems a bit of a niche product to be quite honest…

———

In other news, there have been so many orders for Wilson's Enforcer (the 2m whacking stick) that he's put Nërp onto full time production. This will inevitably result in some delay to the release of the new Sniff-'n'-Trace App… just like the government's Official App!

 

 

BEE YOGA

Hello, welcome to June, we are Polly and Billi the Bees and this is our Guest Blog!

 

During lockdown, I'm sorry to say we've both piled on a few grams, and in an effort to regain our girlish figures we've been trying something new – Bee Yoga!

 

Wilson tried to popularise Pig Yoga, but his pig, Dave, didn't really have his heart in it.

 

In this picture, Billi is doing the Downward Facing Bee pose, while I'm demonstrating the Thunderbolt Bee pose – because it's a bit easier.

 

Why don't you try a bit of Bee Yoga? It's very good for the tarsi and really helps keep you supple – but take your time and approach it slowly so you don't get a strain.

 

Anyway, we've been the Bees, and we'll see you again next month – until then BEEEEEEEE GOOD!

 

 

THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT

Wilson's Two-Metre Distancing Device has been very well received and orders have been pouring in – I just hope he can keep up with demand! 

 

Encouraged by this success he has been giving some thought to how he can ease the pain of isolation and lockdown by means of Smart Technology.

 

The UK Government's much-lauded 'World Beating' Trace and Track App is weeks behind schedule and there are serious doubts about its effectiveness.

 

He therefore proposes the introduction of the Sniff-'n'-Trace App, an iPhone App which sniffs the air to detect the presence of the Covid-19 virus.

 

If it identifies Coronavirus germs, it will sound a very loud klaxon and announce, 'Covid-19 is present in this vicinity – move two metres away immediately!'

 

He has taken Nërp down into the Asteroid Shelter so he can discuss this proposal in private – 'Away from Government Spies' as he put it.

 

Wilson obviously has no idea how to write an App so has delegated this task to Nërp.

 

Nërp has no idea how to write an App either, but (possibly as a delaying tactic) has suggested changing the warning message.

 

The announcement will now say, 'Move two metres away or prepare to be exterminated!' – which actually seems like a pretty good idea, considering the public's general reluctance to comply with simple instructions.

 

Remember that it's the Bees turn to Blog tomorrow – they say they've got something which will really ease the pain of lockdown, and that Joe Wicks should forget about that 'Fitness Tzar' job. Maybe you should wear Lycra just in case…

 

 

A GENUINELY BRILLIANT INVENTION

It's taken a while (he's been trying since he first moved in with me) but at long last I think Wilson has invented something genuinely useful!

 

I admit I was a bit sceptical when he and Byron first showed it to me, but we all went out into the garden for a practical demonstration of this as-yet unnamed boon to humanity.

 

The Bees accompanied us in case of a medical mishap, and Nërp bravely volunteered to be Test Subject.

 

Once in open ground I was able to properly examine Wilson's invention (code-named The Device) and I could see that it consisted of a two-metre-long pole with a plastic hand affixed to one end.

 

Byron enquired whether everyone was ready for the demonstration to commence, then nodded to Wilson – who proceeded to wave his stick wildly around his head!

 

'Hey, take care!' I shouted, 'You're going to hit someone with that!' – but he carried on regardless.

 

Nërp slowly approached him, and received a vicious blow to the head.

 

Wilson placed The Device on the ground and explained that hitting someone was the whole idea – but no one would be hit unless they were within 2m, so it would perfectly enforce the government-approved social distance between the person holding it and everyone else!

 

'If anyone complains about being whacked around the head,' he continued, 'I shall simply explain that I am a Government Social Distancing Officer working under-cover and issue an on-the-spot fine. That should shut them up!'

 

Once I grasped the concept I could see what a simple but brilliant game-changer it would be, and I immediately placed an order for one.

 

It will be exactly what I need next time I go to the Garden Centre or Supermarket…

 

 

FINAL CLAP FOR CARERS

Rather than allow Clapping for Carers to fade away it has changed gear, transforming from a weekly event to an annual one.

 

Last night's demonstration will thus be the last one until this time next year, which is why we celebrated it even more vigorously than usual.

 

We all gathered to show support for the NHS, Carers and Key Workers by means of applause, cheering, blowing whistles, banging saucepans and sundry other noise-makers.

 

Byron had been busy working on his painting all day but arrived shortly before 8pm to join in with the rest of us, and even Uncle Zoltan turned up for this momentous final demonstration of support.

 

After a few minutes everyone's hands began to hurt from the sustained applause, throats became sore from cheering, arms tired from excessive pot-banging etc and we all trooped back into the house, where we discussed these strange times over mugs of hot chocolate.

 

Once Wilson and Byron had finished their chocolate they excused themselves, saying that they had 'something important' to do.

 

Worryingly, they took Wilson's Book of Brilliant Inventions notebook with them…