Wilson has just read yesterday's post, and taken offence at it!
He says he was not 'Dozing in the sunshine' as I'd had 'erroneously' stated, but purposely remaining motionless while Nërp created his likeness in watercolours.
'In fact,' he continued, 'so far from dozing was I that I composed this Haiku to express my feelings!'
Anteater,
Dozing in the summer sun
His head filled with thoughts of Ants
I pointed out that the verse actually contains the word 'Dozing' but Wilson insisted that this was merely for poetical effect, and because it had exactly the required number of syllables to complete the Haiku.
Home again following our holiday in Margate, everything is returning to what passes here for normal.
Nërp has been inspired by Ai-Da, 'the world's first Painting Robot' to take up painting as a hobby.
Ai-Da was designed by Cornish robotics company Engineered Arts, and her robotic hand was developed by engineers in Leeds, while Nërp was designed and built by the good people at eBay…
Nërp told me he was a bit disappointed, as he could have been the world's first Painting Robot if only he'd thought of it, but added, 'Disappointment is a human emotion to which I have neither wish nor capacity to fall prey. As are Dismay, Sadness, Despondency, Jealousy, Bitterness and Resentfulness.'
I have to say, he did sound the tiniest bit all those things, but I expect that's just my imagination…
Anyway, why I mention this is because while Wilson was sitting dozing in the sunshine, Nërp painted a picture of him – and although I'm no expert, it looks pretty good to me!
Before we left the Turner Contemporary, while the lads were occupied in the Gift Shop, I bought a copy of Katie Paterson's Book of Ideas – A place that only exists in moonlight – it was quite expensive, but I think it will be a nice souvenir for Byron – I'll give it to him when we get home.
But at last it's time to leave Margate and return to Uckfield.
On the drive back we passed some seaside Beach Huts, and Nërp noticed that some of them had been decorated in quite unusual ways.
We parked the car to investigate (and to buy ice creams, sweets and comics – obviously) and went to investigate.
Someone remarked that the one in the middle should be called Spongebob Beach Hut!
Byron was characteristically quiet on the rest of the journey, studiously writing in a little notebook he'd bought.
The boys met up again in front of Vatnajökull (the sound of) – a piece comprised of a neon sign of a long number.
Wilson asked Byron, 'So, Biro – this isn't just a neon sign, is it?'
'You're right!' Byron replied enthusiastically, 'It's a telephone number. You can call it from anywhere in the world and hear the Vatnajökull Glacier in Iceland dying as it melts… it's a very melancholy sound, and a sorrowful thought, don't you think?'
Wilson considered this for some moments, the silence broken only by a performance of Earth-Moon-Earth (an automated grand piano playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, the data having been transmitted from the Earth to the moon, reflected off the Moon's surface and received back on Earth, the music occasionally interrupted or altered by data-loss).
Then he asked, 'Biro, how do you know so much about all this… stuff?'
'Mostly,' Byron replied, 'I just read the labels!'
The next installation was Timepieces (Solar System) (2014)
Wilson, though, had by now stood all he could stand, and took Byron to one side.
'Byron, mate – I say this for your own good: open your eyes: it's a row of clocks – and they're all showing the wrong time! You could buy your own row of clocks from Rymans, and set them all to the wrong times, but that wouldn't make you an artist!'
Byron turned to Wilson and explained quietly, 'Wilson, the artwork is not the clocks. It's not the Lightbulbs or the DHL Package. The Artwork is the IDEA – the CONCEPT. The clocks, the lightbulbs, the package – they're just the Physical Manifestation of the Concept.'
Wilson was quite thoughtful after this, and while Byron went off to listen to As The World Turns (a recording of Vivaldi's Four Seasons played on a record player whose turntable rotates only once per day) Wilson remained looking at 'Timepieces', deep in thought.
Nërp explained helpfully that, having just completed the calculations, all the clocks were in fact showing the correct times, but for other planets, not the Earth… except for Saturn, which was running two minutes slow.
Wilson remained immersed in thought, while Nërp went off to report the timekeeping error to someone…
The next work we came to was titled Second Moon and consisted of a DHL package in a vitrine.
Inside the package was a fragment of Moon Rock which had orbited the Earth for a year by means of an Air Freight Courier, travelling counterclockwise at twice the speed of the actual Moon.
Wilson declared scathingly, 'Biro – it's a parcel! I could have given you an Amazon parcel myself, then we could be downstairs in the café now drinking coffee and buying souvenirs…'
Nërp moved across to Wilson and whispered, 'Please stop being so cynical – it makes you sound like a Philistine, and might be spoiling Byron's enjoyment.'
Finally we have entered the first gallery and seen some art!
Byron let out a little squeal of delight, then he and Nërp hurried over to look at a piece called Light Bulb to Simulate Moonlight (2008) part 1.
Wilson followed him and contemplated the piece in silence, finally observing dryly, 'It's several shelves covered in light bulbs. I could have seen this at B&Q's Lightbulb Department.'
Byron and Nërp moved on to part two of the work, again followed by W.
Wilson called out, 'Are you alright in there, Biro? I'd hate to think of you lost in the infinite depths of the universe…'
Entering the Turner Contemporary Gallery, we encountered two things none of us had expected!
The first was a lift [elevator] as big as a house – Byron remarked that it was bigger than the entire Anteater Enclosure at the Zoo, while Nërp compared it favourably to the factory where he had been built…
The second was when Wilson looked out of the massive windows overlooking the sea and thought he could see a man on the end of the groyne trying to drown himself!
He had already grabbed his phone and started to call Emergency Services when Byron reached out and took the phone, informing him that what he could see was in fact a famous Antony Gormley sculpture.
Wilson was a bit put out as he'd thought this had been his chance to Save The Day and Be A Hero – perhaps even get his photograph in the Margate Mercury or the Isle Of Thanet News…
Wilson (a reluctant art-lover) looked longingly at the outside café tables, while remarking how good the coffee smelled and how great was his need for a Danish Pastry, but Byron and Nërp waited by the entrance, giving him pleading and stern looks respectively.
Visiting the Turner Contemporary is really the raison de'être for our trip to Margate, and young Byron can't be done out of it now!
Besides, I'm quite looking forward to it myself, and I'm sure Wilson will come round in the fulness of time…
Just as paddling was a disappointment to Wilson, I hope The Turner Contemporary Gallery isn't a disappointment for young Byron – as that is where we're headed today!
Byron grew increasingly excited as we drew closer to the iconic building, and by the time we'd located the entrance was almost unable to contain himself...
Since paddling turned out to be quite disappointing to Wilson, I think today's visit to Dreamland might have put things right.
We all had a good time on the rides and playing sideshow games like Hook-A-Duck, then Nërp came across a Giant Robot being assembled by a team of workmen with cranes!
He tried to engage the robot's head in small-talk, but (possibly because the head was not yet connected to its body) it was pretty much a one-sided conversation – more of a monologue really – in which Nërp tried to introduce himself and tell the oversized android about his niece Jīqìrén…
Last night Wilson asked me whether I thought his body was 'Beach Ready' as he'd like to go paddling!
P A D D L I N G !
'What, in the sea?' I asked in amazement.
'Of course in the sea!' he replied, scathingly. 'We're at the seaside – where else would I go paddling?'
Given his legendary dislike of water, I never thought I would hear him utter these words.
Following on from Nërp's unexpected revelation that he has a niece, I don't know how many more shocks I can take...
So obviously, we headed down to the beach today to indulge Wilson's wish – he disappeared into a shelter for a short time, while Byron ran into the sea and started splashing about and shouting in excitement.
Eventually Wilson emerged… wearing an enormous pair of rubber Waders!
Shuffling a little distance into the water, he stood looking around before emerging a few minutes later declaring that he couldn't see what all the fuss was about.
Nërp asked whether he could borrow his Waders so he could try paddling himself without risking getting salt water into his internal electronics or joints – Wilson said he could keep them, as he didn't expect to need them again.
At least now we know what was in that last-minute Amazon package…
Despite its unprepossessing exterior, The Shell Grotto proved very interesting.
Its origins are shrouded in mystery, as it was already very old when it was discovered in 1837 – which just adds to the fascination.
There are around 20m of underground winding passages, the walls and ceiling being clad in some 4½ million shells (which Wilson thought was 'a bit creepy')!
The passages eventually lead to a room where a famous séance was held in the 1930s (which Wilson thought was 'a bit spooky').
However, he was full of admiration for the Shell Grotto Gift Shop, buying a few mementos of our visit to display in his little Museum.
Nërp declared that the Grotto was 'fascinating, if bizarre' and that his niece Jīqìrén would love to see it.
We were all stunned by this, as no-one knew that Nërp had any relatives…
Once back at the hotel we went to the dining room, and over dinner we planned a timetable for our stay in Margate – there's a lot to do here, and we might have trouble fitting everything in!
Wilson is (obviously) very keen to spend some time at Dreamland, a large yet traditional theme park (which I'm sure Byron would enjoy too) but Margate has many other interesting attractions on offer.
The main reason for our trip, though, is to visit The Turner Contemporary Gallery, and I've promised Byron that he can spend as much time there as he needs to see everything – he won't be rushed round it or hustled – although I did tell him I'd like our visit to be on our final day here.
He said that would be perfect as it would give him plenty of time to reflect on what he'd seen in the Gallery during the drive home.
Then we retired to our room and the boys chose their beds.
Looks like I shall be sleeping on the couch…
As it happens it was lucky we didn't leave on Monday as Wilson had wanted, because just before we departed a package from Amazon arrived addressed to him.
He grabbed it and stuffed it secretively into his already-bulging suitcase, declining to discuss what this new purchase might be…
However, we're here now!
What with all the comfort stops and refreshment stops (and quite a long stop while Nërp recharged) we arrived quite late, so once we'd booked into our hotel we all went for a stroll along the prom…
Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees and this is our Guest Blog!
Welcome to the first day of Meteorological Summer! 🌞
As you can probably guess, we Bees are not great fans of technology.
However, some inventors – nicer and kinder than the Evil Inventors who brought you Pesticides, Self-Service Checkouts and 'Fortnite' – have invented something wonderful – something that could help you save a life:
THE BEE SAVIOUR CARD.
You can carry it in your purse or wallet just like a credit card, but instead of containing Money, it contains HONEY – or at least, a specially-formulated sugary stuff that can revive a sick bee who's been working too hard and can't fly – perhaps an urban bee, lost in the concrete jungle – and who wouldn't want that?
You can read all about BEE SAVIOUR CARDS at these interesting links:
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2019/apr/24/bee-saviour-sugar-cards-could-help-starving-bees
https://saviourbees.co.uk/
https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/take-savethebees-to-the-streets
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you all again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
We're off!
An air of suppressed excitement and keen anticipation (and one or two other things) pervades the car as we leave Uckfield.
Nërp has never been on holiday before and has no idea what to expect, while Byron's only vacations have been to stay with Wilson and me, so everyone's expectations are sky-high!
It's The Bees' turn to Blog tomorrow, so you won't see us actually in Margate until Sunday – a treat to look forward to!
... or not.
In the meantime, please think of me over the coming hours – long hours of being asked incessantly,
'Are we there yet?',
'Is it MUCH further?' and
'Can we stop to buy some sweets/drinks/comics/buckets & spades/novelty USB sticks?'…
I told Wilson about our planned long weekend in Margate, and before I could stop him he had packed his suitcase and taken it out to the car!
Calling back to me, he shouted impatiently, 'I've put my stuff in the Jukey, New Dad – LET'S GO!'
At risk of disappointing him, I explained that Byron, Nërp and I hadn't even started our packing, and that I had yet to book accommodation.
I told him I'd aim to get away Friday, and he ran off to 'help' Byron and Nërp with their packing…
Cursory research revealed (well, actually Nërp told me) the home of the Turner Contemporary Gallery to be not Moorgate (in Central London) but Margate on Kent's north coast.
Margate is a famous seaside holiday resort, and home town of the wonderful and iconic one-time YBA Tracey Emin!
While Wilson is not overly concerned with the Fine Arts unless they involve a depiction of himself, he is a great enthusiast of both the seaside and holidays – a short trip to Margate would give us all a seaside vacation AND fulfil young Byron's dream, thus killing two birds with one stone!
Or as Wilson prefers to put it (expressing the same idea without involving the gratuitous death of wildlife) throw two sixes with one dice…
Die.
Whatever – the English Language is littered with Irregular Plurals…
My curiosity now piqued, I persisted… and eventually Byron told me that Katie Paterson is an artist of whom he is a great admirer.
He'd read that she had an exhibition at The Turner Contemporary Gallery in Moorgate, and if it wasn't too far from Uckfield, he wondered whether we could visit…
I enquired what kind of an artist she is, and Byron told me she was a Conceptual Artist, and one of the reviews he'd read said the show is 'an overwhelming and fascinating experience – truly magical and remarkable.'
'I'd just thought it would be nice to be Overwhelmed and Fascinated by a Truly Magical Experience... but I shouldn't have brought it up – please forget I ever mentioned her name.'
At this moment, Nërp wandered past.
'Hi Biro!' he greeted Byron, 'Did I just hear someone mention Katie Paterson, the famous artist? I LOVE her work, although of course I've only ever seen it in reproduction, sadly.'
