Birthday Honours List

'Moles?' Wilson repeated, 'What's "Moles"?'

Uncle Z gave a derisory snort. 'You are a city boy, aren't you!' he observed. 'Moles is little furry things that scuttle about underground in tunnels.'

W turned to me and announced that he wanted, no needed, a pet mole. It is apparently the one thing he has always most wanted in the world (after being a millionaire, presumably).

I considered for a moment and told him I couldn't see any harm in it, as long as no cages were involved. The mole must live in the garden and be free to leave when he wants.

'Brilliant!' W shouted, 'I'm going to have a mole! Where is he?'

'He's down under there somewhere,' Uncle Z replied. 'You'll have to wait quietly and watch. Can you do "quietly"? I've never seen any evidence of it.'

Wilson sat stock still with his eyes fixed on the mole hill.

'Oh, by the way,' Uncle Z added as an afterthought, 'You're not in the Queen's Birthday Honours List. Again. I checked the Court Circular this morning.'

The Periodic Table

'Aah yes, the... um, Periodic Table of Ants!' Wilson replied, 'It's progressing well and will be a boon to mankind and science!'

'That's good to hear,' I said, 'because I was hoping we could take that ghastly "secrecy curtain" down soon and resto…'

Wilson cut me off: 'Out of the question, I'm afraid!' before deftly changing the subject.

'What on earth is that on the lawn?'

He ran over to a loose pile of soil and regarded it suspiciously.

'It looks like an Asteroid Crater!' he announced, 'We must prepare for imminent catastrophe — everyone to the Asteroid Shelter!'

Uncle Zoltan strolled out on to his balcony and observed sardonically, "That's no asteroid! You've got Moles, my boy. Moles.'

Not Quite Sport

Today I found just about the whole family out in the garden, all playing Top Trumps: Ants. There was little or no arguing, and everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves. 

I was almost surprised not to find Uncle Zoltan out there too, saying 'That's not how we played Top Trumps when I was a boy!' but it's probably too sunny for him.

This isn't exactly the Outdoor Exercise that Wilson's psychiatrist recommended, but it's good to see him getting some sunshine and fresh air.

Between hands, while the cards were being shuffled, I interrupted to ask W how his Periodic Table of Ants was coming along.

He frowned with blank eyes, as if racking his memory...

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Top Trumps

Wilson has now finished designing his special Top Trumps Ants game. This morning he printed out a full deck and challenged me to a game. 

By the time he'd beaten me seven times straight he'd concluded that my ant knowledge was just about non-existent and that I'm a slow learner. 

Both of these observations are probably fair comment, but I had come to a different conclusion: that this might not be the best Top Trumps game to sell to humans — I can't see this making him the £1Million he so desperately needs… 

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Satori

Around 4am today, Wilson had a moment of Satori, of Enlightenment, of Clarity! 

Honestly, I'd have been just as happy if he hadn't woken me up to share it with me, but it's done now. Anyway, his idea was to post his video to YouTube. 

'That's the place to go Viral, New Dad!' he told me, with rather more enthusiasm than I could handle at that time of day…

By breakfast his video had been up on YouTube for four hours and still hadn't gone viral. Wilson said that 'Going Viral' is taking much longer than he'd expected, so he's starting another project before he gets bored: Top Trump Ants!

He settled down at the kitchen table with his Ant Reference Books and crayons and set to work.

Wilson's Music Video is now on YouTube, so EVERYBODY should be able to see and hear it, including iPad users! 

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Fly-posting

Wilson was up and about early this morning — he popped into the village to fly-post some posters for his record and music video. I'm so afraid he'll get into trouble for this one day, but he just tells me that I worry too much.

He's gone off his first poster a bit and designed a new one in bright yellow. There's a copy of it attached, and he says that if you all print out and display a copy it would make him very happy. 

Also it would save me quite a lot in printer ink...

Catch the music and the video free at: http://tinyurl.com/ow57g73

Technical Problems cause disappointment

Wilson is puzzled and disheartened by the fact that, while some people can see his Music Video just fine, others can't. 

It seems to play okay on Macs, PCs and Android devices, but not on iPads. He looks to me for help, but I really don't know what to say — I'm not very technical like that. 

I try to comfort him with the fact that, of those who could see the video, the response has been very positive. Considering.

'This isn't the way to make it go Viral, New Dad!' he complains morosely… 

Anyway, he's made a poster to help promote it.

Music Video World Premiere

The sense of expectation in the room was palpable as Wilson pressed the PLAY button with his claw and the video started…

If you can't see and hear the video here, please use this link:

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Wilson assuages his guilt

At this point, showing great bravery and presence of mind, Wilson turned off the robot's Emergency Switch, thus saving the day. 

Ever since then the robot has been a static exhibit in Wilson's 'Museum of Old Stuff And a Robot' but every time he enters he feels the reproachful gaze of the defunct android upon him, and a shiver of guilt passes through him. 

He always maintained that the robot could easily have passed the Turing Test, if only he hadn't been trying to rip everyone to pieces…

So this record, dedicated to The Robot, is Wilson's apology, his expression of regret, his act of contrition for turning off a sentient machine.

Anyway, today everyone has gathered in the living room to see the first ever showing of: (Don't Make Me Be) This Machine -- the Music Video. 

W outlined the above story for the benefit of those too young or too vague to remember the incident, then pressed PLAY on the remote. 

The screen burst into life and there was an expectant intake of breath from the assembled...

A mystery is revealed...

Wilson's parcel arrived last Monday, but we've been too busy to tell you what was in it!

W carried the package proudly into the kitchen, opened it and removed a load of 7-inch vinyl records — I didn't even know they were still a thing. 

When I questioned him about them, he asked me whether I remembered 'The Robot.'

How could I ever forget?

A couple of years ago, Wilson watched a documentary on TV about an orphanage for baby sloths, and apparently each sloth needs a soft toy to cuddle — it seems they can't survive without this comfort. 

W designed and built a robot to help him make teddy-bears, which he intended to send to the orphanage for the sloths (the bears, not the robot!)… but once he switched the robot on it ran amok!

First it ripped apart several prototype teddy-bears, then tried to do the same with little Antony and Wilson!

To be continued...

The Facts of Life

Hi, this is Polly-B and Billi-B, the Bees, guesting on Wilson's 'Antwars 2' Blog once again.

Today we will start to tell you the true facts about the Birds and the Bees, sometimes called The Facts Of Life!

First of all, forget all the fairy-tales about ovipositors and suchlike you may have heard, the truth is much, much worse…

One day each year, called BeeDay, all the young girl bees dress up as Princesses in tiaras and tutus. Some of the boy bees do the same, but make no mistake: the Hive is not an equal-opportunity environment, and they soon get asked to leave.

Then all the little princess bees take part in a beauty pageant, to see which is the most beautifulest, friendliest and kindest bee of all. I'm not going to lie, this does involve a fair amount of eye-gouging, wing-pulling and leg-biting — quite a lot like your human Miss World contest.

Then finally, one princess bee remains conscious and able to walk down the bee-walk [it's like a cat-walk, but smaller and with more pollen] and is crowned Queen Bee!

Next month, we'll tell you what happens thereafter… but before that, here is an important announcement: 

If you should come across an exhausted bee on the ground, it's probably been overworking. Please dissolve a little sugar in a teaspoon of water and offer it to the bee. This could actually save its life!

Online Delivery Tracking

Today I found Wilson in the living room with his MacBook and looking a bit suspicious, as though he didn't want me to see what he was looking at.

'What's up, matey?' I enquired.

W shuffled around in his seat, before replying evasively, 'Um… nothing?'

I raised one eyebrow and fixed him with a stern stare. Antony coughed, and whispered to W, 'You're going to have to tell him eventually!'

W took a deep breath and said, 'Okay, I'm tracking a parcel — but you can't ask me anything about it as it's a complete secret!'

I let it lie, as I know I'll find out soon enough… for good or ill.

Tomorrow is the day of the Bees' Guest Blog. They say that they'll be starting on their series on The Facts Of Life, and suggest you might want to sit down before you start reading it.

Incidentally, my EarWorm seems to have subsided, thanks for asking. 

That is such a relief — it was driving me mad!

Souvenir Rock

After Wilson had opened his birthday presents, he distributed the rest of his sticks of souvenir Great Yarmouth Rock.

W's goldfish, Diesel, always looks forward to his stick, as does sTony, but his brother sToneye never really sees the point of it and usually lets sTony eat his.

In other news, who knew Ear Worms were contagious? Guess who's got Spanish Harlem Incident stuck in his head now? Me! 

Grrrrr...

Belated Birthday Wishes

Once Wilson had woken and staggered out of his bed into the kitchen, he found everyone gathered and waiting to sing Happy Birthday to him.

Uncle Zoltan had baked a beautiful birthday cake, but he was a bit put out by our tardiness.

'It's probably quite stale by now!' he remarked, testily; 'I baked it in time for your birthday, but that was over two weeks ago! You're lucky we didn't eat it without you! It's really not good enough.' Then as an afterthought, he added, 'Oh, Happy Birthday.'

The cake proved to be delicious, in spite of it's age — Wilson told Uncle Z that it had probably matured by being kept — and once everyone had eaten their fill of it, W handed out souvenir sticks of Great Yarmouth Rock.

Ear Worm

Throughout the journey home, Wilson incessantly hummed, whistled or sang the Bob Dylan song, 'Spanish Harlem Incident' — you might be able to imagine how annoying that was. No, more annoying than that.

It didn't help that he knew only two lines of the lyrics, and had at best a tenuous grasp of the tune. He apologised, but said he couldn't help it as the song was just stuck firmly in his head. 

His singing was eventually replaced by his snoring as we passed through Crowborough — only about nine miles from Uckfield, so the relief, though welcome, was short-lived.

We finally got home quite late. Everyone else had gone to bed so I lifted Wilson out of the passenger seat, carried him into the house and popped him into his tumble-dryer for the night…

A Life Story

Just before we reached where we'd left the car, we passed a pub with an elderly chap, possibly the Town Crier, sitting outside. He nodded to us both, and addressed Wilson, saying, 'Hello young sir! You're not from these parts, are you now?'

I'm not usually in favour of W speaking to strangers outside pubs, but as I was there to keep an eye on him I nodded, and Wilson ran over to the man. 

'What sort of a fellow are you, then?' the man asked. In reply Wilson handed him one of his Consulting Detective business cards and proceeded to tell him all about his holiday… followed by his life story… all apparently without stopping for breath. The poor man couldn't say a word!

Eventually I coughed and pointed at my wristwatch to let W know we should be heading off, and he said goodbye and ran back to me.

'Interesting chat, Wilson?' I asked.

'Cor, does that man know how to talk — I could barely get a word in edgeways!' he replied without a hint of irony.

We climbed into the car and, rather sadly, said farewell to Southwold. 

In just a few hours we should be back home…

Southwold Lighthouse

Leaving the pier we passed a row of very pretty beach huts and Wilson, remarking on how lovely they were, asked whether he could have one for his birthday. Sadly that won't be happening as Southwold's beach huts are among the most expensive in the country, being priced at between £50,000—£100,000 each! 

W took this news well, reflecting that it would be quite a long drive to Southwold and there were perfectly nice (and much cheaper) beach huts in Hove and Seaford, which are both much nearer home. 

Or I suggested he might have a shed in the garden painted to look like a beach hut.

Making our way through the centre of this beautiful little village, the lighthouse seemed as characteristic of it as the Eiffel Tower is of Paris, visible from everywhere. 

Speaking of which, Wilson really wants to go to Paris one day. Also Venice, as long as he doesn't fall into a canal.

Quantum Reality revealed!

While Wilson quenched his thirst with an ice-cold Pepsi and his hunger with a toffee-apple, we strolled to the pier head where we came across one last Tim Hunkin machine: the Quantum Tunnelling Telescope.

W was not to be denied a peek through this, and we soon found what proved to be our last £1 coin. 

Popping it in the slot, he peered through the eyepiece and gasped! Then he swung the telescope round and gasped again!

'What is it?' I asked, 'What can you see?'

'I can't really explain,' he replied enigmatically, 'I can see everything like through an ordinary telescope, but it's sort of somehow revealing the world of Quantum Reality too…'

As you can imagine, my curiosity was well and truly piqued, but we didn't have another coin for me to have a go myself.

Anyway, it's high time we thought about heading back to Uckfield, where we can celebrate Wilson's well-overdue birthday!

Walking the Dog

Wilson has always been very wary of dogs, interpreting what is probably just natural curiosity as aggression. Therefore Tim Hunkins' 'Rent-a-Dog' machine seemed the ideal opportunity for W to experience the joy of walking a pet that wouldn't pose a threat. (He has a pet goldfish, Diesel, but he rarely leaves the house apart from when he goes Carol Singing.)

Wilson stood in the machine and inserted his coin, whereupon the robotic dog — which appeared to be modelled on a Bull Terrier, a dog W would normally give a wide berth — turned its head, looked up and seemed to smile at W. 

Then a treadmill started under Wilson's feet, and another, smaller treadmill under the dog's feet, while scenery scrolled past on two monitors, one for W and one for the dog.

When the machine stopped a couple of minutes later, Wilson claimed that the walking had left him 'Totes exhausted!' and he was in urgent need of a cold drink and a toffee apple before he swooned away…

Chiropody

Once we reached the Under The Pier Show Wilson was entranced, and insisted on trying everything, including The Bathyscape, Fly Drive, The Gene Forecaster, Whack-A-Banker and The Frisking Machine.

In the picture you can see him using The Chiropodist apparatus. He put one foot into the 'treatment bay' and inserted a coin; after a moment the 'Chiropodist' in the window disappeared into the bottom of the cabinet as Wilson leapt away like a scalded cat!

'She's interfering with my foot, New Dad!' he screamed. 'If any of my claws are damaged, I shan't hesitate to sue, you know!'