We're All Going on a Winter Holiday!

I tried to convince Wilson to take only one suitcase, but I eventually relented and let him take a separate 'emergencies' bag, which I suspect is full of Cheesy Wotsits and Ant-Based Snacks, but it's not very big.

Once all the packing was in the car everyone gathered in the front room to wave us off.

As we drove away I whispered the name of our destination to W, who immediately started to panic! He calmed down once I explained, but his reaction might be a clue to you of where we are going.

Otherwise, you'll just have to wait until we get back and we show you the photos!

In the meantime the bees Polly-B and Billi-B will take care of you on the blog (they're both very excited!) and Wilson and I will see you in a few days…

Packing for a holiday

This morning I told Wilson that we'd be going on holiday Saturday, but our destination is still a mystery to him — all he knows is that he won't need his passport.

He also doesn't know how long we're going for, and I think he's rather overestimated how much packing to take with him.

I shall have to have a word…

Computer Training Course

When we go on our holiday shortly, I have insisted that Wilson should leave his iPad at home so he can relax completely without constantly checking his email and Twitter accounts.

However, so that he is not completely out of touch with his friends, he is teaching Polly and Billi the Bees how to use his iMac to Blog on his behalf during his absence.

W says they are both quick learners and are taking in everything he tells them… the most important thing, apparently, being that they shouldn't let either of the Johnson Brothers anywhere near the computer!

Oh Xmas Tree, Oh Xmas Tree...

Today Wilson, with help and advice from the Bees, decorated the tree — and it looks lovely! 

Polly and Billi both counselled W that Monochromatic was the way to go for a sophisticated, 2014 look, so all the lights and decorations are white or silver, and the finished effect is very glittery and shimmery.

Polly summed it up, saying, 'It looks like a great big Xmas Diamond twinkling in the corner!' and they both assured Wilson that he would have 'A totes amazeballs Xmas!'

The lights must go up!

Today, despite the bitter cold and drizzle, Wilson started fixing up the outside Xmas Lights. 

We were both chilled to the bone when we finally came in so we had a big mug of hot chocolate with squirty cream and marshmallows together while we warmed up. 

Tomorrow I hope we'll be doing the Xmas Tree.

Indoors.

In front of a big fire! 

Wilson starts work on the decorations...

Given his love of climbing and of ladders, I quite thought Wilson would start with the lights on the side of the house, or perhaps the Xmas Tree, but instead he decorated the door wreath and the bay trees. 

I have made it quite clear that it is his job to go outside to turn off the lights at night, whatever the weather.

Xmas lights

Tomorrow will be 1 December, the date on which Wilson traditionally puts up the Xmas Decorations, and he's been in 'The Museum' (AKA Garden Shed) all day looking for some special plug he needs to work the outdoor lights. 

It's chaotic out there, but I know he won't quit until he finds it!

Wikipedia

To pass the time until he can start putting up the Xmas Decorations, Wilson is drafting a letter of complaint to Wikipedia. He takes exception to Tamanduas, of which he is one, being described by them as the 'Common or Lesser Anteater.'

'We are neither "common" nor "lesser", New Dad — and I shall tell them so in no uncertain terms!'

This is exactly like the time he complained to an on-line dictionary for claiming that Vermilingua, his family name, means 'Worm Tongue.' 

He'll get no satisfaction and just make himself cross…

FREE ADVENT CALENDAR pt 2

Here is the second, and final, component of your Free Advent Calendar! 

Wilson says you should download it, print it out and glue it behind yesterday's sheet. When the glue is dry you can hang it on the wall ready for 1st December. Or the fridge door. Or anywhere else — that's how versatile it is.

He advises that 'You should close your eyes when working on today's sheet, or risk spoiling the surprise,' adding that 'Perhaps a friend could help make sure you don't stick todays sheet upside-down. If you've got any friends. And take care not to glue your claws together…'

Good luck with that!

FREE ADVENT CALENDAR pt 1

So, here it is! The thing you've been waiting for! Your FREE ADVENT CALENDAR!

Here is the front of the calendar for you to print out. Once it's printed Wilson says you should cut round the solid black lines of the doors so you can open them on the appropriate day.

IMPORTANT: W advises that you should open, download and print tomorrow's image with your eyes closed, so as not to spoil the surprise when you look behind the little doors.

Sounds like good advice! 

A new photo of Colin arrives!

Another photo of Colin has arrived, and this time Ms Jenny has (wisely) not written a first-person message on the front!

As he pinned it up on his notice board, Wilson remarked that Colin really seems to be settling down and integrating with Baby William's family.

Also on the notice board you can see the Advent Calendar that W intends to send to you all tomorrow. 

Please try to contain your excitement!

Free Xmas Decoration/Craft Project for You!

Today being exactly one month from Xmas Day, Wilson has started thinking about Xmas, and has designed what he describes as 'This charming, faux-rosewood and pine decorative Rocking Anteater' for your Xmas Delight.

He says that you should print it out, cut out the printed bit very carefully (with the assistance of a grown-up if necessary) then fold it in half. Then you can allegedly stand it on your mantel-piece or hang if from your Xmas Tree, should you wish to do so.

Let's face it, nothing says 'Xmas' quite like a wobbling cardboard cutout of an anteater…

Winter Holidays

I had promised Wilson a nice walk in the woods yesterday, but the constant torrential rain was so bad that I let him off and instead took him out for dinner at the newly-refurbished pub just outside the village. 

We had a lovely meal and a super dessert (home-made rhubarb crumble) and over a glass of wine I told W that we would be going on holiday before Xmas… with one condition.

I would organise it myself, and he wouldn't know where we were going until we set off. Also, I asked him to leave his iPad at home so he could really relax. 

'New Dad, that's two conditions!' he observed.

I conceded that he was correct, and he said 'Alright! We're going on holiday — Woot!'

The Reality Problem...

I pointed out to Wilson that the very next issue of New Scientist said that there probably wasn't a multiverse after all. 

'Really?' he asked, 'You're not just saying that?'

'No, really!' I assured him.

Unfortunately, that issue is still somewhere in the bottom of the recycling bin, languishing under the bean cans and ketchup bottles…

He says he might write to Dr Who ℅ the BBC if he's not feeling any better by tomorrow.

In the meantime, his Twitter friends have been very supportive — I hope this takes his mind off thoughts of 'Reality' before he starts thinking that he's 'not real' again…

Multiversal problem

Just as I feared, Wilson did notice the New Scientist Special Edition in the recycling, and is poring over the How To Live In The Multiverse feature.

These metaphysical, 'spacey' articles always unsettle him, and he keeps asking me how he can transfer into the universe where he's a millionaire… 

then reflecting that might be the same universe in which I'm an evil New Dad… 

then realising there'll be another where he's rich and I'm not evil, and wanting to know how to choose the right universe when there's an infinite number to choose from.

Or: 'If everything happens in one universe or another, what does it matter if I'm naughty in this one? I've got to be naughty in some universes, or the Law of the Multiverse will be broken!'

I really don't know what to say to him, but recalling the advice the psychiatrist gave me the last time he had one of these 'Reality' crises, I think a brisk walk in the woods is called for.

As soon as it stops raining...

Multiverse

Following a couple of therapeutic mugs of hot chocolate (with extra therapeutic squirty cream, marshmallows and ant sprinkles) Wilson was pretty much back to his normal, cheerful self today. 

Then I saw him taking out the Recycling…

On top of the pile of magazines I spotted the New Scientist 'Multiverse Special Edition.' I'd meant to hide that and secretly dispose of it in a plain brown envelope at the bottom of the bin.

Perhaps W won't notice it...

SAD — Seasonal Affective Disorder

FIrst thing this morning I heard Wilson playing quite a mournful rendition of There Is Nothing Like A Dame, from South Pacific, on his kazoo and spoons. Gradually his playing grew slower and slower, the kazoo dropped out and soon even the spoons fell silent.

Going to see if everything was alright, I found W gazing dolefully out the living room window at the bare trees and the fallen leaves outside. 

'What's up?' I asked him.

'Oh, I'm just contemplating where my life's going…' he replied disconsolately. 

I think all the new babies may have disturbed his equilibrium — made him feel old, perhaps. That, and the unwelcome approach of Winter. 

Still, once I'd made him a big mug of hot chocolate with squirty cream, marshmallows and ant sprinkles he seemed a bit more his usual self. 

I'm a big believer in the healing power of hot chocolate...

Birth rate rises sharply!

Polly had a long labour, with many refreshment breaks, and it was starting to get dark when Johnson Minor was eventually 'born.' 

However, Billi didn't want to be left out and wanted to experience motherhood for herself — so  'Mother' and 'Midwife' switched roles and the entire process was repeated with Billi 'giving birth' to Johnson Major.

Wilson had by now moved on to Show Tunes and was belting out Ethel Merman's There's No Business Like Show Business. 

Quite a crowd had gathered, attracted by the music, the excitement and Johnson Minor running round shouting, 'I've been borned! I've been borned!' 

Finally, just as Wilson segued from 76 Trombones to the Colonel Bogey March, Johnson Maj. was 'born', with Tiny Toy lying next to him pretending to be his twin and shouting, 'PUSH! PUSH HARDER!'

IT'S A BOY! A boy ladybird...

I was woken this morning by the sound of Wilson playing Roll Out The Barrel very loudly and enthusiastically on his spoons and kazoo, breaking off occasionally to shout, 'Push!' 'Pant!' 'Breathe!' 'I can see the head!' etc.

On going to investigate I was very surprised to find Polly, prone on the kitchen table, apparently giving birth. 

As Wilson segued seamlessly into Joe Pasquale's I've Got A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves, Billi explained that W had been so disappointed to miss Piper Bay's birth that she and Polly were re-enacting the occasion so he could experience what it would have been like if he hadn't arrived at the hospital too late and missed it all.

The 'baby' was played by a very excited Johnson Minor, while a bemused Johnson Major looked on. 

For 'educational purposes' apparently.

When a child is born...

Okay, sorry there wasn't a blog post yesterday, but Wilson had a very trying day.

Because his replica Comet Lander was in 'Idle Mode' he missed the email letting him know that Ms Rowena had gone into labour. Since he is Ms R's Birthing Partner, when he did finally get the news he was thrown into a panic, scrambling out of the tumble dryer clutching his kazoo and calling my name. We jumped into the car and immediately set off for the hospital.

It was only after several miles that W realised that he had left his spoons at home. I assured him that the hospital would have thousands of spoons, but he can apparently only play his 'special' spoons, so we had to return to the house to collect them.

By the time we finally reached the hospital it was all over — Ms Rowena had given birth to a beautiful baby girl, Piper Bay, without the aid of Wilson's Birthing Music. 

All things considered, I have to say that's probably for the best — a stressful event will be made no less stressful when accompanied by a serenade on spoons and kazoo…