JOB OPPORTUNITY

According to SKY News* Boris Johnson is advertising for a spokesperson to front new televised White House-style press briefings.

The post is allegedly 'a unique opportunity to work at the centre of government, and communicate with the nation on behalf of the prime minister' and although the salary is not specified it is 'certain to be in excess of £100,000 pa'.

Wilson is sorely tempted to apply, saying, 'In just ten years I'll be a millionaire!'

Byron, Billi and Antony are doing their very best to talk him out of it: 'You'll just be a patsy, Bro!' Byron told him earnestly, and the others agreed.

'A pasty?' Wilson asked, incredulously, 'What, like a Cornish pasty?'

'No, you twonk' Byron replied, 'a patsy, a fall-guy, a scapegoat – someone to blame when it all goes wrong!'

Billi joined in, saying, 'you'll have to stand up in front of everyone, on national tv and tell people lies – you'll know they're lies, the people you're telling them to will know they're lies, everyone will know they're lies! You'd be just like Donald Trump's Press Secretary…'

Antony added, 'And you won't get to be a millionaire because they'll sack you after a couple of months – that's if you don't resign first out of shame and embarrassment…'

Wilson nodded glumly and said, 'I suppose you're right. I'll forget all about it.'

I think he'd been looking forward to standing behind that lectern and saying things like, 'That's a very good question, thank you for asking it. It's a very important question' before proceeding to not answer it…

—

New Readers Start Here Nº 04

TINY TOY aka “TT”

• Antony’s plush toy and constant companion – is it usual for plush toys to have their own plush toys?

• Spends most of his time sleeping.

• Stand-up comedian.

——

* Here's the link, in case you fancy a life of duplicity among a nest of vipers: https://news.sky.com/story/number-10-wants-to-smash-the-lobby-in-hunt-for-pms-new-163100k-a-year-spokesperson-12038741

UCKFIELD GOTHIC

Taking a break from marketing termites, the boys have been relaxing by re-creating another classic painting.

This time their choice is Grant Woods' American Gothic.

As soon as they'd finished it they promptly hung it in the gallery and for some reason invited Jīqìrén in to see it.

The young robot had never been inside the Vermilingua Contemporary before, but if either of the gallerists were hoping she would be impressed, they would have been gravely disappointed.

The young android stared at the painting for several minutes before asking, 'What is its meaning? Its purpose? Its significance?'

Byron immediately started to explain all about the artist and the painting, but I fear Jīqìrén remained unconvinced…

—

New Readers Start Here Nº 03

ANTONY

• Wilson’s plush toy, confidant, consultant and constant companion.

• Occasionally acts as Marketing Manager, Publicist, Editor and CEO when required.

• Encyclopaedic knowledge of the History of Film.

FREE REPLACEMENT POSTER

To make up for the disappointment of receiving a poster with mistakes on it, here is a new version for your postering pleasure.

 

As usual, Wilson requests that you put it up somewhere the maximum number of people will see it, thereby increasing sales and hasten his journey to millionairehood…

 

 

New Readers Start Here #02

KENNETH BYRON EUSTACE VERMILINGUA (BIRO)

Wilson's half-brother [technically his uncle, but Wilson doesn't like to talk about that], art authority, artist and published author.

Intellectual, introverted and a bit less impulsive than Wilson.

Hasn't made any unrealistic promises about becoming a millionaire.

 

GUERRILLA ADVERTISING

Assisted by Nërp (but not by Byron, who wisely wants to keep out of trouble with the law) Wilson has embarked on what he calls a 'Guerrilla Advertising Campaign'.

 

He says that this kind of publicity carries the most 'Street Cred' which is why clubs and record companies always use it.

 

I had naïvely assumed they did that because it was cheap, but clearly I'm no expert…

 

Starting today we're running a new feature to introduce all the members of Wilson's family, some of whom may be less familiar than others. We're starting with Wilson, then moving on to introduce you to everyone else in his family!

New Readers Start Here:

WILSON BOO VERMILINGUA

Philosopher, entrepreneur and inventor, Wilson labours under the heavy burden of a promise he unwisely made to his Mum, Mrs Vermillingua, that he would be a millionaire by the time he was seven.

That time has been and gone, but he is keeping his age a secret from Mrs V until after he's made his first million – Mrs V has so many pups that she long ago lost count of their ages (and names) so this isn't as difficult as you might imagine! I think she may be part of a Tamandua Breeding Programme, but I have never mentioned this to Wilson…

Fun Fact: one of Wilson's Great, Great… Grandfathers was Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López, the legendary Blue Baron who fought in the Great Ant Wars of 1921!

LAND ART: DEAD PIXEL

While Wilson has been developing the packaging and advertising for his friend Arnold's new snack product, Byron has been busy too.

 

He's produced a piece of what he tells me is called Land Art, which represents what a 'dead pixel' in a Google Earth photograph of our garden would look like if it were real instead of a camera artefact.

 

Unfortunately, he's chosen quite a windy day to install it, and the 'pixel' keeps getting picked up by the wind and blown into the bushes, so he's had to secure it with little metal stakes.

 

He persuaded Wilson to take a brief look at it – he said it was 'Very nice, Bro!' – but then pleaded 'other things to do' and hurried off…

—

Due to my underlying medical conditions, I am still in Full Lockdown, but I'll tell you this: I'm getting really bored, and I can't wait to get Wilson and Byron out of the house and go on a proper adventure with them…

 

 

POT TERMITES – CORRECTION

Several of Wilson's friends have pointed out that the name of the product on the poster is incorrect, saying 'Park Ants' when it should say 'Park Termites'!

 

He is very grateful to have had the chance to correct this before falling foul of the Trades Description Act, and now having been up all night printing new posters he's taken an armful round to Everything Ant in the village to replace the faulty ones he took round yesterday.

 

By way of apology for getting the first posters wrong, he (well, Byron actually) also took a pavement advertising display consisting of a huge model of a Pot Termites pot, which Nërp kindly constructed for them.

 

It's a lot heavier than it looks, but Byron had to carry it on his own because Wilson's arms were full of a few posters…

 

 

THE FUTURE OF SNACKING – NOW!

Wilson has now worked yesterday's photo of him with a tub of Pot Termites into a poster.

 

I'm not certain such a poster would persuade me to buy a pack of Instant Park Termites, but to be fair I'm probably not the target audience.

 

Wilson assures me that 'Novelty is King' in the pre-packed snack game, and the colour scheme has been 'Specifically fine-tuned to appeal to anteaters and other insectivores.'

 

I assume this just means that Wilson likes the colours and Byron didn't raise any objection…

 

Anyway, Wilson has made this poster available to all his friends to print out and stick up where they work, preferably near the tea or coffee-making facilities, so it gives everyone the munchies…

 

 

NEW SNACK SENSATION

So Wilson's groundbreaking invention was not, after all, a new face mask for animals – it is instead what he rather grandly calls The future of snacking!

 

It's a sort of Termite-flavour Pot Noodle, but without the noodles – you can either microwave it or add boiling water and in sixty seconds you have an allegedly delicious bowl of Hot Termites. 

 

It sounds absolutely vile, but he's shown it to Byron and got a very positive reaction.

 

Now it remains only to see what his friend and business partner Arnold* makes of it…

 

Claws crossed!

—

*Visit Arnold here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CCjOIfNBC74/

or search for the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

ROYAL ACADEMY OF ARTS

Wilson has yet to hear from the Royal Academy of Arts and has grown tired of waiting for them to call – he's left Byron in the Library to deal with them if they do eventually make contact, while he is in his study working on his new invention.

 

It's a bit too early to tell what it is, but I'm guessing it might be a new model of his Snoot Face Mask for Animals – perhaps with a replaceable filter in the end? 

 

He and Antony are deeply engrossed in the finer details of its design, and TT is… well, he's sleeping. As usual.

 

Whatever this 'amazing wonder product that will make us all rich and famous' turns out to be, I'm sure I'll find out soon enough – and when I know, you'll know!

 

Since yesterday I've done a bit of research on Gilbert and George, and I'm wondering just how appropriate they are as role models for a pair of young anteaters – for a start, a lot of their artwork seems to involve poo, and the police have been called to investigate their Scapegoating Pictures show at a gallery in Belfast! 

 

 

NOW WE WAIT...

Byron and Wilson are now relaxing in the library waiting expectantly for an approach from the Royal Academy, inviting them ('begging' was Wilson's choice of phrase) to become members of the RA to replace Gilbert and George.

While they wait they are both sipping cocktails so that, should their invitation arrive via FaceTime or Zoom they will both look suitably sophisticated… and drunk in the daytime 🤔

While being a Living Artwork yesterday (which he said was actually a bit boring) Wilson had a chance to do some thinking and has invented a new product.

He can't wait to tell his friend Arnold* about it, and hopes it might cheer him up a bit following his recent injury.

_________

*Visit Arnold here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CCjOIfNBC74/

or search for the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

LIVING ARTWORKS

Both boys are in the garden balancing on plinths, carrying placards, while rotating very slowly.

 

As they turn, a tape recorder plays the theme song from 80s nostalgic British comedy series Hi-de-hi!:

Well, if you're feelin' lonely, and gettin' in a stew

Just bend your ear, come over here

And man here's what you do

If you got the blues, I got some news

Join in the fun in your blue suede shoes

Do the holiday rock

Do the holiday rock

Hi-de-hi-de-hi

Ho-de-ho-de-ho

Go, Go, Go do the holiday rock

over and over again.

 

It must be said that Wilson is finding the simultaneous turning and placard-carrying quite difficult and sometimes wobbles alarmingly… but perhaps that's part of the performance.

 

I'm also a little worried that after half-an-hour of spinning, albeit very slowly, they might both be getting a bit dizzy and risk falling off their podia!

 

 

GILBERT AND GEORGE QUIT RA

Byron has just come into breakfast in a state of high excitement.

 

Brandishing his iPad at Wilson, he explained that he'd just read artists Gilbert and George have had a falling-out with the Royal Academy and quit.

 

'That leaves the door wide open for us, Bro!' he told Wilson, who carried on chewing his cereal with ants ruminatively.

 

Byron persisted, 'Don't you see what a great opportunity this is for us to become the country's foremost Living Artworks?' 

 

Wilson slowly put down his spoon and asked, 'What exactly is a "Living Artwork"? Is it hard work, and how much does it pay?'

 

Byron gave his brother a brief resumé of the careers of Gilbert and George, stressing how much their work sold for.

 

Wilson listened quietly before objecting, 'But I'm right in the middle of an advertising campaign for Park Termites – would I have time to do both things?'

 

Byron then played his trump card, saying, 'The Prime Minister has just awarded a £140M grant for the arts…'

 

Wilson immediately jumped up from the table and left the room with Byron leaving Antony to finish his cereal for him – calling back to instruct him to share it with Pterry…

—————

https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2020/jul/12/gilbert-and-george-quit-royal-academy-over-dashed-hopes-for-major-exhibition?utm_term=LTIwMDcxNw%3D%3D&utm_campaign=ArtWeekly&utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&CMP=artweekly_email 

 

 

THIS IS NOT AN ANTEATER

The package from Arnold has been opened, the termites tasted (and pronounced to be 'Totes Delicious') and Wilson and Byron are now in the Vermilingua Contemporary hanging the painting on loan from Arnold.

After it had been hung and lit, Wilson stared at it for a few minutes, then mused aloud to himself, 'I wonder why it's called "This is NOT an anteater" when it's obvious to anyone with eyes that it IS an anteater?'

Byron patiently explained that it was a surrealist work, after a painting by the famous Belgian artist René Magritte.

'Yes,' Wilson interrupted, 'but why is it called "This is NOT an anteater" when it IS?'

'Well, think about it,' Byron continued, 'is it an anteater… or is it a painting of an anteater?'

STOP PRESS: Wilson learned yesterday that Arnold has suffered a serious tail-related injury – our thoughts are with him at this difficult time 😢👩‍⚕️❤️

_________

Visit Arnold here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CCjOIfNBC74/

or search for the.gourmet.anteater

SPECIAL DELIVERY

A parcel has been delivered from America!

 

Pterry (the only person who has no idea what's inside) is extremely excited, jumping up and down on it and shouting, 'What is it, Mummy? What's inside? Is it a present? Is it for me?' and so on.

 

To save you worrying about it until Saturday, and to reduce the levels of tension and stress in the world, I will reveal now that the package probably contains a painting on loan from Wilson's friend Arnold* and with any luck some more sample termites for Wilson and Byron to taste-test!

_____

Reminder – there will be no post tomorrow, but normal service will be resumed on Saturday 🤞

*Arnold – IG: the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

 

TERMITE MARKETING BOARD

Wilson has received a telephone call.

He initially thought it was from the Termite Marketing Board, calling to commend him on his advertising!

 

Unfortunately, it actually was from the Association of Termite and Pest Exterminators, demanding to know, as they put it, What on earth he thought he was doing *selling* termites?'

 

Wilson was caught off guard for a moment but deftly turned the conversation to his advantage by talking about Green Conservation and the Web of Life.

 

Eventually he even sold them a couple of tins – the exterminators intend to sprinkle a few termites around the homes of prospective customers to drum up business! 

 

Not very ethical, perhaps, but this is a fledgeling business...

_____

ADVANCE WARNING – tomorrow's post will be later than usual and there will be no post on Friday. ☹️

Normal service will be resumed on Saturday 🤞

 

 

TERMITES ARE GO!

Last night Wilson got the go-ahead from Arnold* to proceed with the latest design!

 

Following a very early start, the billboard posters are now ready (and the printer is completely out of ink) and the first Park Ants by Arnold poster is in place.

 

Wilson, Byron and Nërp are standing round discussing it, generally admiring their handiwork and wondering how long it will be before orders start pouring in and they're all joint millionaires…

 

I hope they're not holding their breath for that!

_____

*Arnold – IG: the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

AWAITING A DECISION

Wilson is on tenterhooks awaiting a decision from Arnold about the revised

Tinned Termites packaging design.

 

He's especially anxious because he has already designed the poster advertising and booked several billboards to put them on.

 

I hope he hasn't paid for these in advance! 

 

I'll find out soon enough when my Visa bill arrives…

 

He's passing the time by watching old episodes of detective show VERA with Antony and drinking more coffee than is really good for him.

 

In normal times he'd be drinking Ant Gin, but he wants to keep a clear head in case Arnold wants another Zoom Conference to discuss things!

 

 

CLIENT PRESENTATION

In light of feedback from his Focus Group, Wilson has completely redesigned the packaging for the Tinned Termites.

 

Today he is making a Client Presentation of the revised design to Arnold*.

 

He's quite nervous and really hoping that Arnold likes it.

 

We'll have to wait and see: what with living in America, Arnold may not even be awake at the moment – it might be the middle of the night there!

_____

*Arnold – IG: the.gourmet.anteater