The whole purpose of the Wall is to be covered in graffiti, so I dare say a poster or two won't make much difference…
22/01/2020
SLOTH PARTY POSTER CAMPAIGN
Wilson knows that I strongly disapprove of Fly Posting, but since he and Nërp are sticking his Sloth Party posters only on the newly-constructed Uckfield Wall I suppose I can't really complain.
The whole purpose of the Wall is to be covered in graffiti, so I dare say a poster or two won't make much difference…
The whole purpose of the Wall is to be covered in graffiti, so I dare say a poster or two won't make much difference…
20/01/2020
FREE BADGE
Should you wish to walk around wearing a badge proclaiming you to be a MUG, this is your big day!
Wilson is certain that many of his friends and readers will want to avail themselves of such an opportunity, so he is giving you each a free Make Uckfield Great badge… I'm not quite as confident!
Wilson is certain that many of his friends and readers will want to avail themselves of such an opportunity, so he is giving you each a free Make Uckfield Great badge… I'm not quite as confident!
18/01/2020
MAKE UCKFIELD GREAT
Another of the Sloth Party's Manifesto Pledges is to Make Uckfield Great!
I happen to think Ucky is already pretty great, so I asked Wilson exactly what he meant by 'Great', for I suspect the is using the slogan Make Uckfield Great in the sense 'Make Wilson Rich' – and I was not disappointed.
'Well,' Wilson explained, 'There will be top quality Make Uckfield Great merchandise: baseball caps, badges and… well, mugs. Would you like one? I can let you have it at mate's rates – let's call it £10.'
I declined, saying that I had no wish to wear a baseball cap proclaiming me as a MUG – enough people already hold that opinion of me, without me wearing a hat confirming it. 😕
W countered that if everyone in Uckfield wore a MUG cap and drunk their coffee out of a reusable MUG mug, it would be a clear statement of intention, and might even make the National tv News channels.
I can't argue with that…
I happen to think Ucky is already pretty great, so I asked Wilson exactly what he meant by 'Great', for I suspect the is using the slogan Make Uckfield Great in the sense 'Make Wilson Rich' – and I was not disappointed.
'Well,' Wilson explained, 'There will be top quality Make Uckfield Great merchandise: baseball caps, badges and… well, mugs. Would you like one? I can let you have it at mate's rates – let's call it £10.'
I declined, saying that I had no wish to wear a baseball cap proclaiming me as a MUG – enough people already hold that opinion of me, without me wearing a hat confirming it. 😕
W countered that if everyone in Uckfield wore a MUG cap and drunk their coffee out of a reusable MUG mug, it would be a clear statement of intention, and might even make the National tv News channels.
I can't argue with that…
16/01/2020
WORK BEGINS ON THE WALL
At first I assumed this proposed wall was to be constructed as a Tourist Attraction in the manner of the Great Wall of China, or perhaps Hadrian's Wall, but it is apparently to be erected in the village near the skateboard park for the use of graffiti artists.
Never having been one to let the grass grow under his paws, work on constructing the wall has already begun: in spite of the inclement weather, Wilson (Architect), Byron (Senior Brick Layer) and Antony (Foreman and Site Safety Officer) are all down at the Skate Park hard at work architecting, brick-laying, foreman-ing and site safetying – whatever that actually means.
Never having been one to let the grass grow under his paws, work on constructing the wall has already begun: in spite of the inclement weather, Wilson (Architect), Byron (Senior Brick Layer) and Antony (Foreman and Site Safety Officer) are all down at the Skate Park hard at work architecting, brick-laying, foreman-ing and site safetying – whatever that actually means.
14/01/2020
THE GREAT WALL OF UCKFIELD
Another of The Sloth Party's Manifesto Pledges is – inconceivably – to build a WALL.
Wilson assures me that it will be 'A Magnificent wall. A Beautiful wall. A Great wall: The Great Wall Of Uckfield!'
I asked whether the Mexicans are going to pay for it, but Wilson appeared not to understand the reference.
After discussing this most improbable of plans for a few minutes, Wilson asked me, 'Do you think the Mexicans WOULD pay for it?'
_______
Wilson is very excited to report that his Blog has received an all-time total of 70,000 hits!
Please tell all your friends so he can go on to reach the target he's set his heart on: 100,000.
Wilson assures me that it will be 'A Magnificent wall. A Beautiful wall. A Great wall: The Great Wall Of Uckfield!'
I asked whether the Mexicans are going to pay for it, but Wilson appeared not to understand the reference.
After discussing this most improbable of plans for a few minutes, Wilson asked me, 'Do you think the Mexicans WOULD pay for it?'
_______
Wilson is very excited to report that his Blog has received an all-time total of 70,000 hits!
Please tell all your friends so he can go on to reach the target he's set his heart on: 100,000.
12/01/2020
MANIFESTO
With the Royal Crisis out of the way, Wilson's attention has returned to his newly-formed Sloth Party.
In an attempt to understand his Party's platform, I asked whether 'Sloth' was being used in the sense of 'Reluctance To Work' or to describe the slow-moving South American mammal?
'The mammal, of course! Wilson replied, 'Sloths are super-cute and V popular right now, as are Llamas and Alpacas – hence the alliance! But never forget,' he added, 'indolence is a Great Virtue!'
I then enquired how he intended to get rich from this enterprise, and he explained, 'In the same way as Mr Trump, but without the lying, the cheating, the nepotism, the racism or the imprisonment of little children – unlike him, I am not a total monster!'
What does that leave, I wonder? I hope it's not a Hotel or a Golf Course.
'Watch and learn, New Dad,' he continued, 'Watch and learn – I have many policies in my… well, our Manifesto. Many, many wonderful policies! Tremendous policies! Believe me!'
He ruffled his hair disarmingly, a very Boris gesture. I fear he's quite good at this…
I don't like to mention that Trump, in common with most of our previous Tory Prime Ministers, is rich because he inherited his wealth – often from parents who are crooks and/or tax-evaders – because I wouldn't want to discourage him in his political awakening.
In an attempt to understand his Party's platform, I asked whether 'Sloth' was being used in the sense of 'Reluctance To Work' or to describe the slow-moving South American mammal?
'The mammal, of course! Wilson replied, 'Sloths are super-cute and V popular right now, as are Llamas and Alpacas – hence the alliance! But never forget,' he added, 'indolence is a Great Virtue!'
I then enquired how he intended to get rich from this enterprise, and he explained, 'In the same way as Mr Trump, but without the lying, the cheating, the nepotism, the racism or the imprisonment of little children – unlike him, I am not a total monster!'
What does that leave, I wonder? I hope it's not a Hotel or a Golf Course.
'Watch and learn, New Dad,' he continued, 'Watch and learn – I have many policies in my… well, our Manifesto. Many, many wonderful policies! Tremendous policies! Believe me!'
He ruffled his hair disarmingly, a very Boris gesture. I fear he's quite good at this…
I don't like to mention that Trump, in common with most of our previous Tory Prime Ministers, is rich because he inherited his wealth – often from parents who are crooks and/or tax-evaders – because I wouldn't want to discourage him in his political awakening.
10/01/2020
ROYAL FAMILY CRISIS
Leafing through the paper yesterday, Wilson asked my opinion of the 'Constitutional Crisis' caused by Prince Harry and Meghan withdrawing from public life.
I think what he meant was,
I knew I'd regret asking, but I couldn't help myself – 'How so?' I enquired.
'Well, if HRH The Queen had been on better terms with me, a little more willing to give and take, I would happily have stepped into the breach,' he replied, 'subject to the usual terms vis-a-vis the Civil List, obviously!'
'Prince Wilson…' I mused, 'and what of your Consort?'
'I think that, following my Coronation, the lovely Caroline Katz might well have reconsidered her position. Or Ms Winkelman – as a prince I would be a Well Eligible Bachelor – the ladies would be fighting over me! HRH Prince Wilson the 1st and Princess Claudia – what do you think?'
He closed his eyes and smiled…
I think what he meant was,
'Should The Sloth Party take a political stance on this?'He remarked that, if only HM The Queen had not repeatedly refused to ratify his OBE, all of this could have been so easily avoided.
I knew I'd regret asking, but I couldn't help myself – 'How so?' I enquired.
'Well, if HRH The Queen had been on better terms with me, a little more willing to give and take, I would happily have stepped into the breach,' he replied, 'subject to the usual terms vis-a-vis the Civil List, obviously!'
'Prince Wilson…' I mused, 'and what of your Consort?'
'I think that, following my Coronation, the lovely Caroline Katz might well have reconsidered her position. Or Ms Winkelman – as a prince I would be a Well Eligible Bachelor – the ladies would be fighting over me! HRH Prince Wilson the 1st and Princess Claudia – what do you think?'
He closed his eyes and smiled…
08/01/2020
A NEW ERA IN POLITICS
It's now almost the middle of January, and the days should be getting longer – but early this afternoon I noticed that it was suddenly getting very dark in the living room.
Going outside to investigate, I found Wilson steadying a ladder against the house while Byron balanced precariously at the top attempting to fix a banner to the wall.
I was about to ask W what was going on when I was accosted by Nërp asking me whether I would like to join The Sloth Party for the trifling sum of £5 (cash only).
Hearing me pass up this offer, Wilson came over to enquire whether I was completely and utterly certain I didn't want to join, as the price of membership was about to increase to £10.
When I asked what on earth the Sloth Party was – and why I now appear to be living in its International Headquarters – Wilson told me that it was his new Good Idea – AKA moneymaking venture.
'Now that the Labour Party has been wiped out,' he explained, 'The Sloth Party is the new Centre Left political group for people who don't like Boris Johnson.'
'Isn't that the Liberal Democratic Party?' I asked.
'Poof!' he replied with a Gallic shrug, 'The LibDems are sadly a spent force. Disillusioned Labour voters are crying out for a dynamic new Centre-Leftish Party – and that's us! I am all set to be as popular as Tony Blair once was…'
Going outside to investigate, I found Wilson steadying a ladder against the house while Byron balanced precariously at the top attempting to fix a banner to the wall.
I was about to ask W what was going on when I was accosted by Nërp asking me whether I would like to join The Sloth Party for the trifling sum of £5 (cash only).
Hearing me pass up this offer, Wilson came over to enquire whether I was completely and utterly certain I didn't want to join, as the price of membership was about to increase to £10.
When I asked what on earth the Sloth Party was – and why I now appear to be living in its International Headquarters – Wilson told me that it was his new Good Idea – AKA moneymaking venture.
'Now that the Labour Party has been wiped out,' he explained, 'The Sloth Party is the new Centre Left political group for people who don't like Boris Johnson.'
'Isn't that the Liberal Democratic Party?' I asked.
'Poof!' he replied with a Gallic shrug, 'The LibDems are sadly a spent force. Disillusioned Labour voters are crying out for a dynamic new Centre-Leftish Party – and that's us! I am all set to be as popular as Tony Blair once was…'
06/01/2020
THE FRUITS OF WILSON'S INVENTING
Following his New Year's Eve realisation that yet another year has passed without his attaining millionairehood, Wilson has spent most of January in the dining room with Byron, doing some 'Serious Inventing'… although after several barren days he confided to me that he has a bad case of Inventor's Block.
He's grabbed a black coffee with a double shot of ant gin – apparently a Sovereign Cure for All Blockages (according to his Mum, Mrs V) – and he is now confident of coming up with a Top Notch Money Generating Idea before the day is out.
I can only fear the worst…
He's grabbed a black coffee with a double shot of ant gin – apparently a Sovereign Cure for All Blockages (according to his Mum, Mrs V) – and he is now confident of coming up with a Top Notch Money Generating Idea before the day is out.
I can only fear the worst…
04/01/2020
STONE BROTHERS' XMAS
The sTone Brothers' Xmas was spent a bit differently to everyone else's.
It's not widely known, but stones do not generally celebrate Xmas, but having been caught up in the general excitement sTony and sToneye decided to host a Xmas Party for local underprivileged and orphaned stones!
In the photo you can see the brothers overseeing a boisterous party game, before a big sit-down Xmas dinner of sand with all the trimmings.
Discussing it later, they told Wilson that all the guests had really enjoyed themselves.
In the same way that I invariably think fish look miserable, I've always found it hard to tell whether or not stones are enjoying themselves, but I expect it's easier for other stones to perceive pleasure in their own kind – and in any case it was a lovely, kind and selfless gesture…
It's not widely known, but stones do not generally celebrate Xmas, but having been caught up in the general excitement sTony and sToneye decided to host a Xmas Party for local underprivileged and orphaned stones!
In the photo you can see the brothers overseeing a boisterous party game, before a big sit-down Xmas dinner of sand with all the trimmings.
Discussing it later, they told Wilson that all the guests had really enjoyed themselves.
In the same way that I invariably think fish look miserable, I've always found it hard to tell whether or not stones are enjoying themselves, but I expect it's easier for other stones to perceive pleasure in their own kind – and in any case it was a lovely, kind and selfless gesture…
03/01/2020
MY XMAS GIFTS
Today I'm going to show you what Wilson gave me for Xmas – a very thoughtfully-designed coffee mug (which does pretty much sum up my thought processes) and a new cover for my iPhone.
Tomorrow I will reveal the unusual and very kind way the sTone Brothers spent their Xmas.
Then I will finally try to put Xmas behind me and try to return to Normal Life – or as normal as life can be living with two precocious young anteaters…
Tomorrow I will reveal the unusual and very kind way the sTone Brothers spent their Xmas.
Then I will finally try to put Xmas behind me and try to return to Normal Life – or as normal as life can be living with two precocious young anteaters…
02/01/2020
ALL XMASSED OUT
Speaking for myself, I've had enough of Xmas now – I'd like to get on with life and face whatever challenges 2020 has to offer.
Wilson is still in his library trying to invent something groundbreaking with massive profit-making potential (so far without success) but the Johnson Brothers are very keen to show you their Xmas Present!
It's one of those wooden toys with a button on the base which, when pressed causes the toy to collapse into a heap.
I had similar toys when I was little, and never found them to have much play value, but Johnson maj. and Johnson min. seem delighted with theirs, which is a model depicting two insects dancing.
At least, I think they're dancing…
The insects are allegedly Bees, although to my untrained eye they rather resemble Ladybirds – which by coincidence is what the Johnson Brothers actually are.
Wilson is still in his library trying to invent something groundbreaking with massive profit-making potential (so far without success) but the Johnson Brothers are very keen to show you their Xmas Present!
It's one of those wooden toys with a button on the base which, when pressed causes the toy to collapse into a heap.
I had similar toys when I was little, and never found them to have much play value, but Johnson maj. and Johnson min. seem delighted with theirs, which is a model depicting two insects dancing.
At least, I think they're dancing…
The insects are allegedly Bees, although to my untrained eye they rather resemble Ladybirds – which by coincidence is what the Johnson Brothers actually are.
01/01/2020
AN AGE-OLD QUESTION ANSWERED!
Hello, Happy 2020, and welcome – we are 🐝 Polly and 🐝 Billi The Bees, and this is our first Guest Blog of 2020!
Today we are going to SOLVE A MYSTERY for you:
You must all have asked yourselves a million times, 'I wonder what it's like to be a Bee?'
Speaking as Bees ourselves, both Billi and I can tell you it's brilliant – hard but rewarding work, excellent social life, lots of dancing and of course our lovely little family of Johnson Major and Johnson Minor – but that doesn't really tell you what being a Bee FEELS like – but this will:
So far we haven't been, but sometimes we think that it's only a matter of time, and we both really fear for the world our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, will inherit…
Please join us in our fight against neonicotinoid pesticides – if the EU reverses its ban, or if that horrible Mr Johnson legasises them, it will be 💀curtains💀 for us Bees!
And as Billi is always saying, 'If the Bees go, you humans won't be far behind!'
I think that clever Mr Einstein actually said it first, but Billi is always saying it too, which is nearly as good.
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we sincerely hope that we'll carry on being Bees!
Pesticides permitting we'll see you again at the beginning of February – until then, BEEEEEEEEE PESTICIDE FREE!
Today we are going to SOLVE A MYSTERY for you:
You must all have asked yourselves a million times, 'I wonder what it's like to be a Bee?'
Speaking as Bees ourselves, both Billi and I can tell you it's brilliant – hard but rewarding work, excellent social life, lots of dancing and of course our lovely little family of Johnson Major and Johnson Minor – but that doesn't really tell you what being a Bee FEELS like – but this will:
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/what-is-it-like-to-be-a-beeBut there is also a DOWNSIDE to being Bees: being poisoned by pesticides!
So far we haven't been, but sometimes we think that it's only a matter of time, and we both really fear for the world our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, will inherit…
Please join us in our fight against neonicotinoid pesticides – if the EU reverses its ban, or if that horrible Mr Johnson legasises them, it will be 💀curtains💀 for us Bees!
And as Billi is always saying, 'If the Bees go, you humans won't be far behind!'
I think that clever Mr Einstein actually said it first, but Billi is always saying it too, which is nearly as good.
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we sincerely hope that we'll carry on being Bees!
Pesticides permitting we'll see you again at the beginning of February – until then, BEEEEEEEEE PESTICIDE FREE!
31/12/2019
NEW YEAR'S EVE
New Year's Eve is traditionally a time for reflection – a time to meditate on the successes and failures, the gains and losses of the outgoing year.
Wilson is in his library contemplating his last 12 months, by brooding over the fact that – despite his best efforts – he is still not a millionaire.
I have tried to comfort him by pointing out what a good Dad he is to Antony and TT, and how well he looks after and provides for the rest of his family, but he is inconsolable.
Byron is doing his best to comfort him, but doesn't really know what to say.
Wilson says that his New Year's Resolution must be to knuckle down and do some of his best-ever inventing and creative thinking – to which end both he and Byron are consuming prodigious quantities of Brain Food (AKA Cheesy Wotsits and Snowballs) and hoping to have a brilliant idea.
Inventing a new Hangover Cure would be a good start, as they'll surely both need one tomorrow…
Wilson is in his library contemplating his last 12 months, by brooding over the fact that – despite his best efforts – he is still not a millionaire.
I have tried to comfort him by pointing out what a good Dad he is to Antony and TT, and how well he looks after and provides for the rest of his family, but he is inconsolable.
Byron is doing his best to comfort him, but doesn't really know what to say.
Wilson says that his New Year's Resolution must be to knuckle down and do some of his best-ever inventing and creative thinking – to which end both he and Byron are consuming prodigious quantities of Brain Food (AKA Cheesy Wotsits and Snowballs) and hoping to have a brilliant idea.
Inventing a new Hangover Cure would be a good start, as they'll surely both need one tomorrow…
30/12/2019
ANTONY AND TT PLAYING
Today it's the turn of Antony and Tiny Toy to show you their Xmas present – a toy helicopter!
Here you can see Wilson 'helping' them play…
Here you can see Wilson 'helping' them play…
29/12/2019
XMAS MORNING
Xmas Day started shortly before dawn and was marked by a blizzard of torn wrapping paper and Snowballs [a cocktail consisting of Advocaat Dutch brandy liqueur mixed with lemonade] but by early afternoon things had calmed down a little, and people had started playing with their presents.
Over the next few days many of the children want to show you their gifts, but Wilson insisted on going first because, as he pointed out, it's his Blog, but has kindly allowed his brother Byron to share the limelight too…
Over the next few days many of the children want to show you their gifts, but Wilson insisted on going first because, as he pointed out, it's his Blog, but has kindly allowed his brother Byron to share the limelight too…
24/12/2019
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS…
… and all through the house…
everybody was extremely hyper – I don't suppose anyone will get any worthwhile sleep tonight.
I'm sure it wasn't like this in the famous poem, but young anteaters are notoriously more excitable than children…
Even Uncle Zoltan has been heard inquiring, 'Has Father Xmas* been yet?' a few times.
However, the Vegetarian Mince Pies, Carrots and Ant Gin have been laid out by the hearth, and as everybody grows increasingly tired, there is finally some talk of going to bed – soon, but not yet!
I shall be taking a break from the Blog for a few days, so Wilson, Byron and I would like to wish you all a Very Happy Xmas from everyone here!
We'll see you again very soon – not least because I know everybody will want to show you their presents!
_________
*Santa
everybody was extremely hyper – I don't suppose anyone will get any worthwhile sleep tonight.
I'm sure it wasn't like this in the famous poem, but young anteaters are notoriously more excitable than children…
Even Uncle Zoltan has been heard inquiring, 'Has Father Xmas* been yet?' a few times.
However, the Vegetarian Mince Pies, Carrots and Ant Gin have been laid out by the hearth, and as everybody grows increasingly tired, there is finally some talk of going to bed – soon, but not yet!
I shall be taking a break from the Blog for a few days, so Wilson, Byron and I would like to wish you all a Very Happy Xmas from everyone here!
We'll see you again very soon – not least because I know everybody will want to show you their presents!
_________
*Santa
23/12/2019
READY FOR XMAS
Wilson and Byron have now completed all their preparations for Xmas and are waiting impatiently in the dining room for it to be Xmas Eve, using cocktails to help them pass the time.
Byron keeps asking when it will be HIS turn to wear the Mistletoe deely-boppers.
Wilson has agreed to let him have a go with them, once he has successfully kissed someone himself, 'Just to make sure the mistletoe is working properly'…
Byron keeps asking when it will be HIS turn to wear the Mistletoe deely-boppers.
Wilson has agreed to let him have a go with them, once he has successfully kissed someone himself, 'Just to make sure the mistletoe is working properly'…
22/12/2019
XMAS CARD
Every family has its own Xmas Traditions – one of ours is for Wilson to make a Xmas Card to send to all his friends, and he's just completed this year's.
It's a logistical nightmare, much harder than you might think – just getting everyone together at the same time is an achievement in itself, then you have to keep everyone still, stop the younger children fighting and messing about, ensure that everybody has their eyes open when the shutter clicks, it's a major operation – it's just a good thing we only have to do it once a year!
It's a logistical nightmare, much harder than you might think – just getting everyone together at the same time is an achievement in itself, then you have to keep everyone still, stop the younger children fighting and messing about, ensure that everybody has their eyes open when the shutter clicks, it's a major operation – it's just a good thing we only have to do it once a year!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)