23/12/2019
22/12/2019
XMAS CARD
Every family has its own Xmas Traditions – one of ours is for Wilson to make a Xmas Card to send to all his friends, and he's just completed this year's.
It's a logistical nightmare, much harder than you might think – just getting everyone together at the same time is an achievement in itself, then you have to keep everyone still, stop the younger children fighting and messing about, ensure that everybody has their eyes open when the shutter clicks, it's a major operation – it's just a good thing we only have to do it once a year!
It's a logistical nightmare, much harder than you might think – just getting everyone together at the same time is an achievement in itself, then you have to keep everyone still, stop the younger children fighting and messing about, ensure that everybody has their eyes open when the shutter clicks, it's a major operation – it's just a good thing we only have to do it once a year!
20/12/2019
THE END IS NIGH
I don't know how to break this to you, but here are yet more DIY Xmas decorations.
Two of them date from last year, so you've probably already printed them, cut them out and thrown them away, but just so you don't feel too short-changed, there is one NEW design too: a Xmas Bauble featuring what W describes as 'A wonderful Golden Anteater Angel!'
I'll leave it for you to judge just how Wonderful it is – and please don't send me the bill for the printer ink you must have gotten through in the last few days.
On the plus side, this is the LAST DAY you'll be getting home-made decorations!
As Xmas grows ever closer the residents of Chez New Dad will doubtless be sending out their Xmas Cards, worrying about whether they names appear on the Naughty or the Nice List, and generally waiting impatiently to hear Sleighbells In The Snow…
Two of them date from last year, so you've probably already printed them, cut them out and thrown them away, but just so you don't feel too short-changed, there is one NEW design too: a Xmas Bauble featuring what W describes as 'A wonderful Golden Anteater Angel!'
I'll leave it for you to judge just how Wonderful it is – and please don't send me the bill for the printer ink you must have gotten through in the last few days.
On the plus side, this is the LAST DAY you'll be getting home-made decorations!
As Xmas grows ever closer the residents of Chez New Dad will doubtless be sending out their Xmas Cards, worrying about whether they names appear on the Naughty or the Nice List, and generally waiting impatiently to hear Sleighbells In The Snow…
18/12/2019
Ant Wars 2: TABLE DECORATIONS
Not especially Xmassy as far as I can see, but today's Free Download is a Xmas Spaceman designed by Wilson and a Xmas Robot designed by Nërp.
Nërp has pointed out that you could use the Xmas Robot as a Place Setting Name Card at meal times if you were to write people's names on the little screen, but neither he nor Wilson can think of any specifically Xmas-related use for the Spaceman figure beyond Wilson's (totally unsubstantiated) assertion that 'Nothing says Xmas like an Anteater in a Space Suit!'
Nërp has pointed out that you could use the Xmas Robot as a Place Setting Name Card at meal times if you were to write people's names on the little screen, but neither he nor Wilson can think of any specifically Xmas-related use for the Spaceman figure beyond Wilson's (totally unsubstantiated) assertion that 'Nothing says Xmas like an Anteater in a Space Suit!'
15/12/2019
NOT AN ELF ON THE SHELF
Today's Xmas Decoration to Make and Treasure is a variation on the tyrannical Elf On The Shelf – except it's an Anteater!
The instructions must surely be annoyingly familiar by now:
• Print it
• Cut it out
• Fold it where shown
Then when it's complete (unless already consigned to the Waste Bin)
• Sit it on a shelf
• Reposition it every night…
I am happy to say that Elves on Shelves were not a thing when I had young children – I don't count Wilson as a young child because, although young, he is old WAY beyond his years…
The instructions must surely be annoyingly familiar by now:
• Print it
• Cut it out
• Fold it where shown
Then when it's complete (unless already consigned to the Waste Bin)
• Sit it on a shelf
• Reposition it every night…
I am happy to say that Elves on Shelves were not a thing when I had young children – I don't count Wilson as a young child because, although young, he is old WAY beyond his years…
13/12/2019
XMAS DECORATIONS TO MAKE AND TREASURE #1
These will be, Wilson assures me, Heirlooms of the Future, and may well turn up on some far-distant episode of Dickinson's Real Deal… if so, I imagine the Dealers will be using loose change rather than paper money to buy them…
Anyway, here is the first of Wilson's Xmas Decorations to Make and Treasure – it's a Xmastree Bauble in the shape of an ANTeater with ANTlers…
The instructions are to print it on to thin cardboard, cut it out and hang it on your Xmas Tree, but W counsels you to be very careful with the cutting-out, as in the past he has had some nasty scissor-related incidents resulting in embarrassing bald patches in his fur.
If in doubt, he says, get a grown-up to help you!
Anyway, here is the first of Wilson's Xmas Decorations to Make and Treasure – it's a Xmastree Bauble in the shape of an ANTeater with ANTlers…
The instructions are to print it on to thin cardboard, cut it out and hang it on your Xmas Tree, but W counsels you to be very careful with the cutting-out, as in the past he has had some nasty scissor-related incidents resulting in embarrassing bald patches in his fur.
If in doubt, he says, get a grown-up to help you!
12/12/2019
A VERY QUICK QUESTION:
If you are reading Wilson's Blog because you were given or found one of his cards, could you let me know?
Wilson and I would be very grateful!
11/12/2019
XMAS FAVOURITES OLD AND NEW
Here it is – Wilson's Xmas Favourites Old and New CD, featuring the Wilson Vermilingua Xmas Singers!
Wilson assures me that it's available in All Good Record Stores.
I questioned his use of the word 'All', since I knew that some shops had churlishly refused to stock it, but he said if there were record stores that didn't have it they couldn't properly be described as 'Good', which I suppose makes a certain kind of sense.
Anyway, you can buy a copy in the Village Record Shop – although they agreed to take only ten copies (and those are on Sale or Return) which leaves us with only 1⁹⁹/₁₀₀ boxes still in the house…
Wilson assures me that it's available in All Good Record Stores.
I questioned his use of the word 'All', since I knew that some shops had churlishly refused to stock it, but he said if there were record stores that didn't have it they couldn't properly be described as 'Good', which I suppose makes a certain kind of sense.
Anyway, you can buy a copy in the Village Record Shop – although they agreed to take only ten copies (and those are on Sale or Return) which leaves us with only 1⁹⁹/₁₀₀ boxes still in the house…
09/12/2019
XMAS TREE TIME
Wilson has waited as long as could reasonably be expected, and I've finally let him go into the village with Byron (assistant chooser) and Nërp (senior carrier) to buy a Xmas Tree.
Now they – together with the rest of the family – are in the living room preparing to decorate it.
Obviously there is great excitement, and no shortage of unwanted advice – chiefly from Uncle Zoltan, who claims he once lived in a nest adjacent to Santa's Grotto in a Department Store and is thus an acknowledged Authority on Xmas Tree Dressing.
Wilson is doing his best to ignore Uncle Z – but in as tactful a way as possible in order to minimise his risk of being stung…
Now they – together with the rest of the family – are in the living room preparing to decorate it.
Obviously there is great excitement, and no shortage of unwanted advice – chiefly from Uncle Zoltan, who claims he once lived in a nest adjacent to Santa's Grotto in a Department Store and is thus an acknowledged Authority on Xmas Tree Dressing.
Wilson is doing his best to ignore Uncle Z – but in as tactful a way as possible in order to minimise his risk of being stung…
07/12/2019
FURTHER CLARIFICATION REQUIRED
Once Wilson had finished his explanation of the MEANING OF XMAS, Jīqìrén asked him if she had understood correctly.
'Let me get this straight,' she began, 'I've been watching a lot of stuff about Xmas on tv, especially the adverts – and it would appear that Xmas is about giving people cheap plastic crap made in China by slave labour. It's flown or shipped here clocking-up millions of tonnes of greenhouse gases and sold by companies owned by billionaires and paying no taxes, then distributed by zero-hours-contract van drivers earning below minimum wage (and polluting the environment even more), then most of it is put into a land-fill in January.'
Wilson considered for a moment and replied, 'Well, if you take Father Xmas, Reindeer, Elves and Magic out of the equation, that does pretty much sum it up…'
'Let me get this straight,' she began, 'I've been watching a lot of stuff about Xmas on tv, especially the adverts – and it would appear that Xmas is about giving people cheap plastic crap made in China by slave labour. It's flown or shipped here clocking-up millions of tonnes of greenhouse gases and sold by companies owned by billionaires and paying no taxes, then distributed by zero-hours-contract van drivers earning below minimum wage (and polluting the environment even more), then most of it is put into a land-fill in January.'
Wilson considered for a moment and replied, 'Well, if you take Father Xmas, Reindeer, Elves and Magic out of the equation, that does pretty much sum it up…'
05/12/2019
THE REAL MEANING OF XMAS
Wilson has taken Jīqìrén, Pterry and Diesel the Goldfish to one side so that he can explain The Meaning of Xmas to them…
'Xmas,' he explained confidently, 'was invented ages ago by Mr C Dickens. Nowadays it is sponsored by Amazon, John Lewis, VISA, the Hallmark Card Company and the Brussels Sprouts Marketing Board.'
Pterry appeared intrigued but confused, while Jīqìrén looked openly sceptical – actually, her plush toy robot appeared more interested.
Diesel, however, was totally enthralled by Wilson's explanation – he's heard it all before, of course (several times) but has always forgotten it again within five seconds…
'There may also be something about a Baby Lying In A Mangle, 'W continued, 'but the details are unclear. Anyway, the point is, Xmas is especially vital now.' 'In a time of Brexit Uncertainly and Political Turmoil, without Xmas the entire UK Economy might collapse – and then how would I become a millionaire?'
'Xmas,' he explained confidently, 'was invented ages ago by Mr C Dickens. Nowadays it is sponsored by Amazon, John Lewis, VISA, the Hallmark Card Company and the Brussels Sprouts Marketing Board.'
Pterry appeared intrigued but confused, while Jīqìrén looked openly sceptical – actually, her plush toy robot appeared more interested.
Diesel, however, was totally enthralled by Wilson's explanation – he's heard it all before, of course (several times) but has always forgotten it again within five seconds…
'There may also be something about a Baby Lying In A Mangle, 'W continued, 'but the details are unclear. Anyway, the point is, Xmas is especially vital now.' 'In a time of Brexit Uncertainly and Political Turmoil, without Xmas the entire UK Economy might collapse – and then how would I become a millionaire?'
03/12/2019
XMAS CD POSTER
Wilson would like to suggest you order your copy of his Xmas CD early, before stocks run out!
I'd like to suggest you do it so we don't get stuck with a house full of unsold CDs, but perhaps I'm being unduly pessimistic.
Either way, here is a poster for you to print out and stick up, perhaps on the notice board where you work – if you don't mind getting a reputation for being a bit… well, weird.
Anyway, Wilson has assured me it's a Top Cyber-Monday Buy, would make a Well-Wicked Xmas Gift and contains recordings of All The Old Favourites, including that Xmas Classic, "Do The Ants Know It's Xmas?"
I'd like to suggest you do it so we don't get stuck with a house full of unsold CDs, but perhaps I'm being unduly pessimistic.
Either way, here is a poster for you to print out and stick up, perhaps on the notice board where you work – if you don't mind getting a reputation for being a bit… well, weird.
Anyway, Wilson has assured me it's a Top Cyber-Monday Buy, would make a Well-Wicked Xmas Gift and contains recordings of All The Old Favourites, including that Xmas Classic, "Do The Ants Know It's Xmas?"
01/12/2019
BEES' BLOG – XMAS BEES
Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.
It's hard work being bees and mothers at Xmas, because our children Johnson Major and Johnson Minor are way overexcited and it does get a bit… stressful at times.
Every second sentence is about something expensive they want for Xmas, usually some plastic rubbish they've seen advertised on tv!
It doesn't help that Wilson and Byron are also constantly going on about Naughty Lists…
Actually, Billi and I have both started hitting the Royal Jelly and Mead a bit early this year – it's the only thing that really settles our nerves.
At least one thing we don't have to worry about is what to give everyone for Xmas: everybody will get a big jar of home-made honey because – let's face it – there's no better gift!
So, we've been the bees and we'll see you again in the New Year – until then, BEEEEE CALM AND CARRY ON!
It's hard work being bees and mothers at Xmas, because our children Johnson Major and Johnson Minor are way overexcited and it does get a bit… stressful at times.
Every second sentence is about something expensive they want for Xmas, usually some plastic rubbish they've seen advertised on tv!
It doesn't help that Wilson and Byron are also constantly going on about Naughty Lists…
Actually, Billi and I have both started hitting the Royal Jelly and Mead a bit early this year – it's the only thing that really settles our nerves.
At least one thing we don't have to worry about is what to give everyone for Xmas: everybody will get a big jar of home-made honey because – let's face it – there's no better gift!
So, we've been the bees and we'll see you again in the New Year – until then, BEEEEE CALM AND CARRY ON!
29/11/2019
WORLD ANTEATER DAY 2019
Wilson is addressing a packed and enthusiastic meeting in the Village Hall, where a crowd has gathered to celebrate this year's World Anteater Day*.
I think Wilson has been watching rather too many TV Election Broadcasts, for his oration is liberally sprinkled with anodyne platitudes such as 'For the many anteaters, not the few!' and 'Get the ants done – they're oven ready!'
Before he started speaking I took him to one side and begged him not to use the phrase, 'My Biggest Fault is that I'm Too Honourable!' or anything even remotely like it…
_____
* I'm not making this up: http://www.paxtag.org/world-anteater-day-details/
I think Wilson has been watching rather too many TV Election Broadcasts, for his oration is liberally sprinkled with anodyne platitudes such as 'For the many anteaters, not the few!' and 'Get the ants done – they're oven ready!'
Before he started speaking I took him to one side and begged him not to use the phrase, 'My Biggest Fault is that I'm Too Honourable!' or anything even remotely like it…
_____
* I'm not making this up: http://www.paxtag.org/world-anteater-day-details/
27/11/2019
A RECORD DELIVERY
The hall is now pretty much filled by two big cardboard boxes, each one far too heavy for even Nërp to move.
According to the delivery note, they are full of Wilson's Xmas CDs, but for the time being they remain unopened, and we are having to carefully pick our way around them.
Wilson says he'll unpack the boxes as soon as he has a spare moment, and once that's done perhaps I wouldn't mind loading them into the car and giving him, Byron and Antony a lift to the village record shop Village Records.
After which he's planned a trip into Brighton to visit HMV, Virgin Records, Rough Trade and Wax Factor, then on to Eastbourne and Crawley…
I had been under the impression that 99% of record sales took place online or via streaming services, but I'm not an expert…
According to the delivery note, they are full of Wilson's Xmas CDs, but for the time being they remain unopened, and we are having to carefully pick our way around them.
Wilson says he'll unpack the boxes as soon as he has a spare moment, and once that's done perhaps I wouldn't mind loading them into the car and giving him, Byron and Antony a lift to the village record shop Village Records.
After which he's planned a trip into Brighton to visit HMV, Virgin Records, Rough Trade and Wax Factor, then on to Eastbourne and Crawley…
I had been under the impression that 99% of record sales took place online or via streaming services, but I'm not an expert…
25/11/2019
HARBINGER OF XMAS
When I was Wilson's age, one of the first Harbingers of Xmas was Ironing Last Year's Wrapping Paper ready to use again. Maybe that was a post-WW2 austerity thing, I don't know.
For Wilson, though, the equivalent activity is Sorting Out the Decorations.
Although I have told him he can't start putting up Xmas Decorations until 1st December, he's got some of the decorations down from the loft so he can dust them off – he's very excited, knowing that Xmas can now be only, as he puts it, 'Days away!'
This will be Pterry's First Xmas with us – he is paying close attention to what's going on, and trying to make some sense of it.
Even Jīqìrén has briefly torn herself away from the tv and is observing the proceedings, although I suspect she is as mystified as Pterry!
I'll ask Wilson to explain Xmas to them both before the Big Day dawns…
For Wilson, though, the equivalent activity is Sorting Out the Decorations.
Although I have told him he can't start putting up Xmas Decorations until 1st December, he's got some of the decorations down from the loft so he can dust them off – he's very excited, knowing that Xmas can now be only, as he puts it, 'Days away!'
This will be Pterry's First Xmas with us – he is paying close attention to what's going on, and trying to make some sense of it.
Even Jīqìrén has briefly torn herself away from the tv and is observing the proceedings, although I suspect she is as mystified as Pterry!
I'll ask Wilson to explain Xmas to them both before the Big Day dawns…
23/11/2019
THE ART OF DELEGATION
Like most successful businessmen, Wilson is very good at Delegating – it's just a shame that the similarity doesn't extend to actually being successful.
He is always happy to delegate tasks which he doesn't want to do, or which might get him into trouble.
This is the reason it's poor Nërp that's been tasked with fly-posting adverts for Wilson's Xmas CD – the recording was only completed last night, but already W's well-oiled Publicity Department (headed by marketing guru Antony) has swung into action.
I reminded Wilson that in the recent past I had categorically forbidden him to do any fly-posting.
He considered for a moment, then told me he had 'Absolutely no recollection' of me ever saying that…
He is always happy to delegate tasks which he doesn't want to do, or which might get him into trouble.
This is the reason it's poor Nërp that's been tasked with fly-posting adverts for Wilson's Xmas CD – the recording was only completed last night, but already W's well-oiled Publicity Department (headed by marketing guru Antony) has swung into action.
I reminded Wilson that in the recent past I had categorically forbidden him to do any fly-posting.
He considered for a moment, then told me he had 'Absolutely no recollection' of me ever saying that…
21/11/2019
RECORDING SESSION
Wilson has noticed a lot of tv adverts for Xmas CDs and, thinking they sound like a bit of a money maker, has liberated my old reel-to-reel tape recorder from his Museum.
The whole family has been assembled in his Library and are singing what W describes as 'All the Old Favourites' while he conducts – or at least, waves his arms in the air in approximate time to the singing.
After a couple of 'takes' he confided to me that it would sound a lot better with the help of the Animatronic Polar Bears from the garden centre singing background harmonies, and asked me whether I'd drive round there to enquire if they'd help out. He told me to say there'd be a Fish Supper in it for them – it appears he has not fully grasped the meaning of the term 'animatronic'.
He also asked me whether I'd any idea how much an Autotune™ Machine might cost.
The whole family has been assembled in his Library and are singing what W describes as 'All the Old Favourites' while he conducts – or at least, waves his arms in the air in approximate time to the singing.
After a couple of 'takes' he confided to me that it would sound a lot better with the help of the Animatronic Polar Bears from the garden centre singing background harmonies, and asked me whether I'd drive round there to enquire if they'd help out. He told me to say there'd be a Fish Supper in it for them – it appears he has not fully grasped the meaning of the term 'animatronic'.
He also asked me whether I'd any idea how much an Autotune™ Machine might cost.
19/11/2019
DIY DECORATIONS
Here is a taste of what you can expect in the way of Free Decorations this year.
Even Nërp has joined in the… um, fun!
Perhaps I should have warned you to lower your expectations?
I will advise you now, though, that some of the items have been slightly recycled from previous years – but I'm sure we're all agreed that recycling is a good thing?
Even Nërp has joined in the… um, fun!
Perhaps I should have warned you to lower your expectations?
I will advise you now, though, that some of the items have been slightly recycled from previous years – but I'm sure we're all agreed that recycling is a good thing?
17/11/2019
XMAS DESIGNS
Following yesterday's incident in the supermarket I've grounded Wilson, Byron and Nërp!
I've given them some crayons and paper, sat them in the dining room and suggested they design some DIY Xmas decorations.
With any luck this will enable us to avoid any extortionately expensive purchases at the Garden Centre and keep them out of mischief…
I've given them some crayons and paper, sat them in the dining room and suggested they design some DIY Xmas decorations.
With any luck this will enable us to avoid any extortionately expensive purchases at the Garden Centre and keep them out of mischief…
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