GLITCH IN THE MATRIX

Apologies for the lack of Blog over the last few days. 

Please stand by for a RESUMPTION OF NORMAL BLOGGING in the near future!

A POSTCARD ARRIVES

Over breakfast this morning, the postman called with a postcard addressed to Wilson – from Uncle Z! 

In it he reported a sell-out for his performances at prestigious music venue King Tut's Wah Wah Hut in Glasgow.

The postcard, however, was postmarked Ringles Cross, which is about two miles from here and, as Wilson pointed out, Uncle Z and his drum kit look like a very poor Cut-n-Paste job, which still bears traces of Glu-Stik…
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FYI: Updates from Wilson may be a bit intermittent for the next few days, due to an illness in the family.

BRILLIANT IDEAS

Wilson is now fully recovered from his self-imposed incarceration in the Brain Lab, and has just shown me the fruits of his cerebral labours – his list of allegedly Brilliant Ideas:

•  Write a Book of Inspirational Quotations [I daren't think]
•  Invent a Celebrity Diet [I'm guessing ants will feature heavily]
•  Rebuild his Museum [sounds expensive, I'll try to talk him out of this]
and
•  Publish a series of Educational Books for Children [he's still a child himself – but perhaps that will give him a natural advantage!]

I don't mean to be churlish, but four ideas seems a meagre harvest for two whole days of thinking…

WILSON EMERGES

Two days after confining himself in The Mind Laboratory (AKA his bedroom) Wilson has run out of Essential Supplies and emerged, his notebook replete with (ostensibly) brilliant ideas.

Once out, the first thing he asked for was breakfast cereal and a quad espresso.

I hope he still thinks his ideas are brilliant once he's had a chance to consider them – but honestly I'll be pleased if any of them provide something to occupy him in the tedious interlude between Xmas and Easter.

He told me he'll explain his many schemes once he's fully recovered his equilibrium – I think he means once his hangover has subsided…

THE MIND LAB

Even with his calendar to help him plan, Wilson still can't think of anything to do.

Therefore he has announced that he will move into the Tumble Dryer, now re-named THE MIND LABORATORY and vowed not to emerge until he has had at least one 'brilliant idea'.

He's taken with him a catering-size box of Cheesy Wotsits and a litre bottle of Ant Gin (both of which he assures me are 'brain food'), his iPhone (in case of emergencies) and a note pad to write down his ideas. 

When boiled down to basics, this amounts to nothing more than a day in bed – but even so, I can't see him lasting more than a day, two at most…

WILSON'S WONDERFUL CALENDAR

This morning Wilson was still complaining that he's bored and he's got nothing to do.

When I was his age, I'd nothing better to resort to than a jigsaw puzzle, but I don't bother telling him this.

Instead, I've persuaded him to produce a Quarterly Calendar so, when he does think of something to do, he can write it on the calendar to remind himself about it later.

He's just finished the calendar, but says he still can't think of anything interesting to put on it… 

Perhaps you could print out a copy for yourself and write interesting things on it – Dentists' Appointments, getting the car MOT'd and so on – so you've got something nice to look forward to!

POST XMAS BLUES

Yesterday Wilson's brother Byron was returned safely to the bosom of his family.

Today a sense of ennui has descended upon the house, as W wanders around aimlessly saying he's 'lonely', 'bored' and has got 'nothing to do'.

He's even put on the Duck Slippers he had for Xmas – which always make him smile – but to no avail.

I'm not a professional psychiatrist, but even I can diagnose a case of Post Xmas Blues when I see one…

HOMESICKNESS

Byron has been staying with us for several weeks now, and I think I can detect early signs of homesickness.

I asked Wilson to have a word, and he told me that Biro is indeed ready to return home to the Zoo.

It didn't take him long to pack his things, and Wilson has put together a suitcase stuffed with loads of leftover food, and gifts for his family.

Also a box of Do The Ants Know It's Xmas? records – some to give to his family, and some to try to sell to the Zoo Gift Shop.

MILD PERIL

Watching Paddington 2 did not altogether have the desired effect of cheering up the children.

What can I say? The wrapper described it as a 'Delightful Adventure' and it was classified "U": suitable for audiences of all ages. 

It also said there were 'Some scenes of mild peril' and I admit I should have paid more attention to that.

SPOILER ALERT!
Everything started so well with Paddington at home with The Browns, choosing a birthday present for his Aunt Lucy and starting work as a window cleaner… but once he was framed for theft, TT and the Johnson Brothers began to fret. 

Once Paddington was jailed, even Antony began to look worried, and during his fraught jailbreak many of the children were openly sobbing.

Then finally, when the little bear was trapped underwater in a locked container and about to drown, I had to press Pause and comfort everyone while The Bees administered Royal Jelly to the disturbed and shocked youngsters. 

During the drowning scene, I noticed that both Wilson and Byron were dabbing at their eyes and even stoic sToneye's massive orb appeared to be leaking…

The upshot was that everyone had to sleep in my bed, while I dozed fitfully in an armchair – the cries of despair and weeping making proper sleep impossible…
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I can only hope everyone will have returned to normal when we see you again on Friday…

 

PADDINGTON BEAR

So, Uncle Zoltan has left to seek his fortune in what he calls the Music Biz.

Wilson – who never hit it off with Uncle Z – was pleased to see him go, but the children are missing him. 

When all is said and done, he was an excellent pastry chef, and good with kids, and the younger ones are already pining and asking when he'll be back.

Personally, I'll be surprised if he's away more than a week, but to cheer everyone up I've bought a copy of Paddington 2 to watch – from the trailers I've seen, it looks brilliant!

After tea, everyone gathered in the living room and settled down for an evening of first-class entertainment!
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Anyway, we'll see you again on Wednesday!

NATIONWIDE TOUR

There was a bit of a commotion in the garden this morning. 

When Wilson and I went out to see what was occurring, we found Uncle Zoltan with his tiny Citroën Van and his drum kit on board, and The Bees – Uncle Z is apparently leaving on a Nationwide Tour. 

Back in the 70s, when Drum Solos were a thing, I found them pretty tedious – and I can't see them being any less tiresome now!

Ringo Starr had The Beatles; Roger Taylor had Queen; Ginger Baker had Cream, and Keith Moon had The Who – all Uncle Z's got is a Short Fuse and a Bad Attitude.

However, he is certain that there is a public craving, an unfulfilled yearning for a musician who's entire repertoir is drum solo after drum solo.

I predict that this will be a pretty brief tour…

POOR TIMING

Once Wilson and Byron had carried the boxes of records into the dining room (where they will no doubt languish until next Xmas) they both sat at the table staring mournfully into space.

Wilson held up one of the vinyl singles and stared at it morosely.

'This,' he said, 'could have been the UK Xmas No1 hit record… if only my timing had been better.'

He sighed a dejected sigh. 

'Now, we shall never know. I might as well convert them all into Novelty Flower Pot Holders…'

YOU HAVE MAIL

This morning I came across Wilson and Byron contemplating two large boxes which had just been delivered. 

They contained 45 rpm records – Wilson removed one and showed it to me. 

'It's my Xmas Single, Do The Ants Know It's Xmas?' he explained. 

'When I ordered them I thought I could cash in on the Vinyl Revival – but I hadn't thought it through. Nobody will want to buy Xmas Records in January – it's the most un-Xmassy month there is…' 

Byron asked W whether he'd like any help moving them through to the dining room. W thanked him, and between them they began to carry them through.

I tried to cheer him up by pointing out that he'd be all ready to go next December…

Ant Wars 2: NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

On New Year's Eve I came downstairs to breakfast and found Wilson's New Year's Resolutions magnetted onto the fridge door.

This year there are only two, so perhaps he's in with a chance of keeping at least one of them!

If Uncle Z persists with his drumming, I think I'll be making a bulk purchase of noise-cancelling headphones for the whole family, so #2 will be taken care of; as for being Better Off, W's been trying to achieve that ever since he came to live with me – without success, though not for want of trying!
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Wilson, Byron and the rest of the family would like to wish you all a Very Happy New Year!
We'll see you again on Friday 🙂

 

BEES' BLOG

Hello. We are Polly and Billi The Bees, this is our Guest Blog and we'd like to wish you a Very Happy Random Calendar Date!

As you know, we'd usually be telling you exciting Bee-Related News at this time, but instead we're busy fly-posting (well, technically we're bee-posting!) posters to advertise Uncle Zoltan's forthcoming tour.

Honestly, we're just pleased to be out of the house and away from the incessant drumming noises, and the sooner Uncle Z goes on tour, the happier we'll all be!

Anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEE QUIET!

(Ooops – Freudian slip! 🤔)

BOXING DAY

Uncle Z loved his Xmas gift from The Bees!

When I say he loved it, I mean he REALLY LOVED it! He hasn't stopped playing with it since he opened it on Xmas Morning, which is why he absented himself from Xmas Night's games.

Honestly, by now his constant, incessant, unremitting and relentless non-stop drumming is starting to be a tiny bit annoying – not helped by his almost total lack of timing.

However, what Uncle Z lacks in rhythm, he more than makes up for in enthusiasm and tenacity. 

Also volume – for a tiny insect with a tiny drum kit, he makes a LOT of noise! 

I think even The Bees are beginning to find it a little bit wearing…
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Tomorrow being the First of the Month, it will be Polly and Billi's turn to Blog, so you'll have to wait until Wednesday to find out about Wilson's New Year Resolutions.
In the meantime, Everyone here would like to wish you a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

XMAS NIGHT

In the evening, everyone divided up into two teams to play Taboo – a game where you must describe something without using certain words. 

Much drink was taken, many rules were argued over and many challenges made, so everyone had a brilliant time. I don't even remember which team won!

I can't think why we don't play games more often, even when it's not Xmas.

When I say everyone played Taboo, Uncle Zoltan opted out as he was 'otherwise engaged' – of which more tomorrow. 

His absence was probably for the best since, whenever Uncle Z or his team starts to lose at anything he tries to put his opponents off their game. 

By stinging them. 

Have you ever been stung by a Hornet? I don't recommend it…

XMAS MORNING

Owing to everyone being up so late on Xmas Eve, the morning started a little later than is customary – in fact it was almost 5:30am before Wilson burst into my room, shouting, 'Has he been yet? Has Father Xmas been?'

Once we'd assembled downstairs the children disappeared into a maelstrom of wrapping paper as they all opened their gifts, while Polly and Billi looked on happily.

In spite of all the excitement, little Byron had trouble keeping awake – at the zoo he's usually in bed by eight o' clock, so staying up until midnight is taking a toll…
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I noticed Wilson surreptitiously scanning the New Year's Honours List this morning, 'Just in case the Queen has finally decided to do the right thing.'
Judging by his expression, I think I can safely assume that she hasn't!
 

XMAS EVE

The presents are wrapped, stockings are hung, the carrots, mince pies and Ant Sherry laid out for Father Xmas and his reindeer, and everyone is thoroughly overexcited! 

TT and Johnson Minor have had a brief spell in the Brown Paper Bag Of Serenity®™[pat pending] to calm them down, and Wilson has already gone to bed once, hoping to wake up and find it's Xmas Day. 

I'm looking forward to a couple of days of over-eating, over-drinking and over-excited children – I hope Father Xmas brings me some Paracetamol!

I'll probably be too busy buying batteries, assembling toys and poring over instruction manuals over Xmas to blog, but rest assured – I'll be back soon, filling you in on all the excitement of Xmas with Wilson.

We all (even Uncle Zoltan) hope you have a truly Splendid, Bang-Up and generally Awesome Xmas, and we'll see you again in a few days time.

HAPPY XMAS!
 

HAPPY XMAS EVERYBODY!

Well, Xmas is almost upon us, and now there is nothing left for Wilson and Byron to do but wait and see which of Father Xmas' lists their names appear on – Naughty or Nice…

Here, though, is our Xmas Card to you – we ALL wish you a Very Happy Xmas and an Excellent 2019 – even Uncle Zoltan!

Wilson suggests that you print the card out and stand it on your mantelpiece, for Extra Xmassyness!