I hope you had a wonderful Winter Solstice Celebration yesterday (or Summer Solstice Celebration, for those of you lucky enough to be in Australia or New Zealand!)
Also I hope your hangover isn't as bad as Wilson's…
He and Byron have gone round to the mail box to post their letters to Father Xmas – talk about leaving it to the last minute!
Byron still seems quite sceptical about Father Xmas, raising many philosophical and pragmatic objections to his existence.
Moreover, he said that Father Xmas' constant monitoring of Naughtiness vs Niceness reminded him of Big Brother in George Orwell's classic dystopian novel, 1984!
Wilson advised him to suspend his disbelief or he wouldn't get any presents, so he eventually consented to pop his letter to this most unlikely of Household Gods through the slot…
Today is the WINTER SOLSTICE and, as Wilson pointed out, from tomorrow every day will be a little longer, and we'll be one day closer to Summer!
He also pointed out that longer days will mean a longer wait until Xmas, though I'm not certain he's right about that…
While we're waiting for Summer, though, (or Spring even!) Wilson, Byron and the whole family would like to wish you a Very Happy Yule!
In the picture you can see our Winter Yule Log Cake – since the photo was taken, I must confess the cake has been eaten… and we're half way through our spare!
The boys have decided not to open their presents from Father Xmas until Xmas Morning – such self-control!
To pass the time, Byron is enjoying himself by checking out the books in the Library.
Wilson, however, is sitting in his arm chair staring at his present, consumed with curiosity, wondering what it can possibly be.
I shall be astonished if he hasn't given in and opened it before Xmas Day!
Wilson and Byron have received their presents from Father Xmas, but haven't yet opened them – Byron suggested that it would be better to wait until Xmas morning to open such a special gift.
I'll be very surprised if Wilson can hold out that long!
On the drive home, Wilson heard something on the radio about Xmas Number One records.
Apparently Fairytale of New York earns Shane MacGowan and his co-author £540,000 ($678,000) every year, and Noddy Holder (who wrote Merry Xmas Everybody) said that having an Xmas Hit was like 'Winning the Lottery every 25 December for the rest of your life' – a lottery win that this year will be worth £800,000 ($1M+).
These remarks were not lost on Wilson, and he and Byron spent the rest of the journey sitting on the back seat of the car 'Writing a No1 Xmas Hit Song.'
Today they are recording that song, a pathos-filled number called Do the Ants Know It's Xmas? by Wilson Vermilingua, feat Biro V and the Bees Chorus.
The B-side will apparently be called: If Every Day was Xmas, when would we do the shopping? – if the boys can finish writing it in time…
Wilson has taken Byron to one side so that he can explain the Real Meaning of Xmas to him…
'Xmas,' he explained confidently, 'was invented, oh, years ago by Ms Queenie Victoria and her husband Al, and by Mr C Dickens. Nowadays it is sponsored by Amazon, John Lewis, VISA, the Hallmark Card Company and the Brussels Sprouts Marketing Board.'
Byron considered this, but looked doubtful.
'Xmas is especially vital now.' W continued, 'In a time of Brexit Uncertainly and Political Turmoil: without Xmas the entire UK Economy might collapse – and then how would I become a millionaire?'
Byron scratched his head thoughtfully, but before he could raise any objections Wilson briskly announced, 'Now come with me and let's get our presents before the Elves revolt and Father Xmas has us thrown out!'
By leaning over the barriers and peering closely at the displays, Biro has observed that most of the toys he's seen are marked Made In China.
Therefore, he has concluded, they are not actually made here, and Father Xmas's Xmas Wonderland is nothing but a front.
'Probably for drug distribution!' he whispered to Wilson.
After a moment's thought, he added, 'or possibly Elf-smuggling…'
This was too much for Wilson – taking Byron by the shoulders he looked into his eyes and said sternly, 'Look here, Biro – enough with the Conspiracy Theories. Father Xmas is a magic old man; the Elves are magic, and so are the Flying Reindeer.'
Byron gulped loudly – this was the first he'd heard of the reindeer.
Wilson continued, 'Come away from the Elf Village, sit down and listen to me – I'm going to tell you the Real, True and Authentic Meaning of Xmas…'
Soon the boys arrived at the little village where the Elves live. Byron was not impressed.
'Honestly,' he remarked to Wilson, 'this village is like a shanty town and the dwellings are little better than tinsel-covered hovels!'
Then, while Wilson looked on in horror, Byron waded through the snow and knocked on the front door of one of the little houses.
A cheerful-looking Elf answered.
Byron asked him if he didn't feel oppressed by being made to work under such tyrannical and inadequate conditions by this so-called Father Xmas, but the elf was puzzled by the question.
'Well, of course not!' he replied, chuckling. 'We Elves are Magic, our village is Magic, our work is Magic, everything here is Magic – we laugh and sing all day long. All night long too, sometimes…'
Byron asked if they had a Company Benefits Scheme, and whether they received Double Time for all-night singing duties, but the Elf had gone.
Returning to Wilson's side, B whispered, 'They're too scared to complain – they think I'm an Informer working for this "Father Xmas" despot!'
Wilson grasped him firmly by the paw and led him away…
The boys spent some time watching the Elves making and packing Xmas presents.
Wilson excitedly explained that this is the actual workshop where the elves spend all year making toys for Good Children to receive at Xmas.
Byron said that many of the Elves appeared to be well past retirement age, and voiced some concerns about Health and Safety, citing the unguarded machinery Drive Belts.
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CELEBRATE! 🍾 🍰
Wilson's Blog at https://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/ has now been read more than 60,000 times!
SIXTY THOUSAND!!!!!
Byron is still a bit confused and apprehensive about the whole Xmas thing – on the way to meet Father Xmas, he won't let go of Wilson's paw!
I'm curious to know whether, with Wilson out of the way, Uncle Zoltan is still playing Bob Dylan's dreadful Christmas In the Heart on repeat…
I will admit I've been a little bit worried about how to keep two boisterous and overexcited anteaters occupied between now and Xmas, which is still over two weeks away.
After just a few days, I'm beginning to understand why their Mum, Mrs V, is such a great Gin Enthusiast...
Then I had an idea – I'll take them to see Father Xmas!
They'll get to see the elves making the presents, meet the Great Man himself and come away with a small toy each to play with – problem solved!
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*Santa Claus
Uncle Z has now switched to playing Dylan's strangely wavering rendition of I'll Be Home For Xmas (it sounds as though it's being sung by someone who has never heard the tune and is making it up as he goes along) on Continuous Repeat.
Wilson has escaped the racket by going out with 'Biro' to stick up some Xmas Posters.
Xmas at the zoo is a very low-key affair, so for Byron everything is new and magical – Wilson has even had to explain Father Xmas [Santa Claus] to him…
Byron, while chatting to the sTone Brothers in the garden, heard a terrible asthmatic wheezing noise coming from the bee hive.
He rushed inside to fetch Wilson who, on investigation, found it was Uncle Zoltan – not, as the evidence suggested, having a terminal asthma attack but playing Bob Dylan's Here Comes Santa Claus on his BoomBox.
Shouting to be heard over the din, W asked him what he was doing, and Uncle Z replied that he was 'Getting into the Xmas Spirit' by playing this track.
Very Loudly.
On Continuous Repeat.
'Because I know it's your favourite, Dear Boy!'
Wilson, who (as Uncle Z well knows) hates this song above any other, pointed out that so-called 'Music Torture' had been outlawed by The United Nations, the European Court of Human Rights, and possibly the Geneva Convention…
Uncle Zoltan has an uncanny ability to press Wilson's buttons.
As W later remarked wryly, Uncle Z is going to LOVE his Xmas present…
Byron has just given Wilson a load of Xmas Cards from his family at the Zoo.
In keeping with tradition, they are all identical as Wilson's Mum, Mrs V, tries to discourage arguments among her ever-growing family about who's got the 'best' Xmas card.
Also, to be fair, there's not a lot of choice at the Zoo Gift And Souvenir Shop.
Many of the cards are from people Wilson has never heard of, and Byron has had to explain about his many new 'Uncles' and siblings…
Once Wilson had arrived home with Byron, although it was already quite late, they retired to the Library together to have a catch-up.
Wilson then got out his Advent Calendar, and between them they opened the first door.
When I was a child, Advent Calendars didn't even have chocolate inside – just a picture of, say, a star, a shepherd or an angel etc, building up to a crescendo of excitement and anticipation on Xmas Eve when you'd open the final, double door, to reveal a picture of Baby Jesus in a manger!
They were simple days.
Wilson's Advent Calendar, however, has little bottles of Gin behind each door!
Really, whatever will they think of next?
Once Wilson had phoned Byron at the zoo, neither of them could wait for the visit to begin, so B jumped on the first train to Uckfield.
Wilson waited anxiously on the platform for the train to arrive, and eventually it pulled into the station and 'Biro' emerged from a First Class carriage, suitcase in paw.
After a brief hug they fist-bumped (well, paw-bumped, really) each other, then began some complicated paw-slapping routine while they both chanted:
Wilson! Wilson! Bo-bil-son
Bo-na-na fanna, fo-fil-son
Fee fi mo-mil-son,
Wilson!
Biro! Biro! Bo-bir-ro,
Bo-na-na fanna, fo-fi-ro,
Fee fi mo-mir-ro,
Biro!
When their initial greeting was finally completed, they climbed into the car together to be driven home.
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*Older readers might get this reference…
Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Our elderly relative, Uncle Zoltan, is always very difficult to buy gifts for at Xmas – usually we give everyone a bottle of Royal Jelly and a jar of Honey, but Uncle Z always complains, whatever we give him.
Yesterday, though, Wilson showed us this cutting from New Scientist magazine, and it's given us a brilliant idea!
Wilson is going to help us using Amazon (he's very good at that, because he gets so much practice) and we'll order up a surprise for Uncle Z that he's sure to love!
We know he'll love it, because he loves to annoy people, and we think this gift could be well annoying, especially at night!
Anyway, we've been The Bees and we'll see you again next month.
Until then, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD, and have a Fantastic Winter Solstice, Xmas or whatever!
After about an hour of heavy snoring, Wilson stirred.
'Is it Xmas Eve yet?' he asked, testily.
'Not quite,' I replied, but as he reached for the gin bottle I continued, 'How would you like your brother Byron to come over for Xmas?'
W immediately brightened, asking, 'Could he stay for Xmas Day, and have Father Xmas bring him presents and everything?'
I nodded.
'That,' he replied, 'would be totes Ace – can I phone him now and invite him?'
I think hibernation has been successfully deferred for another year…
There may be only about 27 Sleeps 'til Xmas, but for a Frequent Napper like Wilson that equates to about 108 sleeps – which is a long time if you're a young anteater eagerly anticipating the Big Day!
Consequently, it's usually around this time of year he starts to think about hibernating, so that he can wake up, refreshed, on Xmas Eve.
Hibernation is not a natural activity for anteaters, so W's attempts usually involve prodigious amounts of Gin, followed by a crippling hangover the following day.
A hungover Wilson is not nice to be around, so I am anxious to distract him before he goes too far down this road.
This year, I think I have the perfect solution…
While Nërp is recharging his batteries (both literally and figuratively) after his recent sojourn at the railway station, Wilson has popped back to where he posted Nerp's posters to add a couple more of his own…
As he left, he told me that disposing of Xmas Trees is a major contributor to Global Warming [actually, it's not] and in any case everyone hates taking the decorations off in January, so his Xmas Tree Hire business was a Dead Cert to make him both rich and famous.
But mostly, rich.
'After all,' he explained, 'why buy when you can hire? The tree will come already decorated, and after Xmas, before twelfth night, I'll collect it and take it away!'
Actually, I have to admit that sounds like a pretty good service.
I enquired how he intended to finance the initial purchase of his xmas trees and decorations, and where he proposed storing them for the eleven months they weren't in use, but he brushed my objections aside.
As usual…
Nërp has designed a Logotype for himself.
It's a very good logo, and I know Wilson agrees because he's quite put out that he didn't think of something similar for himself…
However, Nërp still thinks his profile is insufficiently high, so W has printed some promo posters, pop-star style, and they're out sticking them up now.
I don't approve of fly-posting, but I'm relying on Nërp – sorry, I mean The N-Man – to keep Wilson out of trouble…
