Wilson has given up on FlashDances With Ants and started work on THE ANTEATER KING...
This follows the adventures of a young anteater, Simba (played by Wilson), the heir of his father, Mufasa (Wilson's New Dad — me).
Simba's wicked uncle, Scar (yet to be cast — would have been Uncle Zoltan if he weren't missing), plots to usurp Mufasa's throne by luring father and son into a stampede of ants. But Simba escapes, and only Mufasa is killed. (I don't like the sound of that!)
Simba returns as an adult (Wilson again but now wearing whiskers) to take back his homeland from Scar with the help of his friends Timon (Antony) and Pumbaa (Tiny Toy).
Dave the Pig is desperately hoping for a part in The Anteater King as he says Musical Theatre has always been his secret ambition... although he refuses point-blank to wear a skirt, regardless of its length.
PS: When you send in your filled Swear Jars, W would like to remind you to change all your OLD £1 coins for NEW ones before they cease being legal tender in October.
Work on Flashdances With Ants is at a temporary standstill, as Wilson is suffering from something he calls 'Librettist's Block.'
He has popped down to Waitrose in the village to stock up on 'brain food' (chocolate) so he can get some 'top musical inspiration' and resume libretting before the weekend.
Also, Wilson thinks that, rather than waste a brilliant word like Blunk©® he has decided to use it as a new swear-word.
Since it is his invention and he owns the copyright of it etc, each time you swear by saying 'Oh, Blunk©®!' (or any variation thereof — eg: 'Oh, Blunking©® Flip!') you will have to send Wilson 10p.
He has asked me to tell you that he will accept Postal Orders, but suggests you keep a Swear Jar handy so you can just send it to him when it's full. This will apparently be 'more convenient for all involved.' Especially Wilson.
Also, he can't decide whether the exclamation mark should go before or after the Copyright and Registered symbols.
I think we can safely leave that to your discretion...
Wilson has given up on his mission to create new colour and, having decided that his future lies instead in Musical Theatre, is writing a libretto for a Musical Show which he intends to send to Ms Julia.
It's apparently called FLASHDANCES WITH ANTS which is quite a clever title, I suppose, combining as it does Flashdance and Dances With Wolves — although I am assured no wolves are involved.
Alex Owens (played by Wilson) is a handsome young anteater who works a day job in a steel mill and dances in a bar at night.
When Alex discovers that his beautiful lady boss, Nikki Hurley (to be auditioned and chosen by Wilson), is both interested in him and supportive of his performing career, he renews his efforts to get accepted into Ms Julia's prestigious Dance School.
Wilson is prepared to play the title role, although he says he'll need a 'body double' for all the dancing. And the singing. However, he says he is quite willing to do all the kissing scenes with his 'beautiful and well pretty' Leading Lady.
Also he says there should be a lot of lady dancers wearing very short skirts on-stage most of the time.
Antony (Musical Director) is working on the score with a Stylophone from Wilson's Museum (we'll gloss over the Rolf Harris connection at this point) while Tiny Toy (Publicist/Promoter) dozes until there is something for him to publicise. Or promote.
I'm afraid the (colour-)wheels* have come off Wilson's new scheme.
He is having serious problems inventing his new colour, since so far all he's got is the name: Vermilingua International Blunk©®.
He confided to me that, the more pigments he adds to his colour, the more it resembles dark greyish brown, while what he'd had in mind was a much more cheerful and jolly shade — a piquant hue in which people would want to paint their bedrooms and kitchens. And their cars.
It would be a shame if he had to give up on this scheme, since (unlike many of his previous plans) it's keeping him out of trouble and not costing me a small fortune (as long as I can get those paint-stains off the solid wood worktops)... but I fear that might be the sensible thing to do.
Also it's a bit of a pity to waste a name like Blunk©® — but I expect he could use that for some other invention in the future.
____________
* Colour-wheels — did you see what I did there? Hahaha! Oh... 😕
Inspired by French nouveau réaliste artist Yves Klein, Wilson has got out out his paint box and has set-to creating a 'new colour' — a bit like Klein International Blue, but a NEW colour — a colour no-one has ever seen or even dreamed of before!
The development process is being conducted under conditions of strict security — each time anyone walks into the kitchen, he closes his pad of paper and empties away his little jar of mixing water, so that no hint of the colour should be known until its official launch.
His colour will apparently be known as Vermilingua International Blunk©®, and whoever uses it will have to pay a royalty to Wilson!
That's the theory, anyway.
He has confided that when his colour is launched upon an unsuspecting art world, he will arrange a series of events in which Antony is covered in Vermilingua International Blunk©® and rolled around on a blank canvas.
He will call these works his Anthropometric series, and they will be very valuable.
Antony is not yet aware of his role in this...
Now that our trip to TheatreLand is over, Wilson has settled down with the art books I lent him as a reward for washing the car.
He is very impressed by the work of French artist Yves Klein and the Color Field Painters, asking me many questions about them and their work.
I can't remember if any of these books contains details of the trick Klein played on visitors to his 1958 Exhibition, The Void — I really hope not!
Meanwhile, Polly keeps practicing the Bend and Snap — much to Billi's delight...
Perhaps the highlight of our day in Theatreland came after the performance, when everyone got to meet Ms Julia, the show's choreographer!
Polly later sighed, 'Oh, if only I had the hind metatarsi to wear cropped pants like Ms Julia's...'
As we drove home — with Polly and Billi now on the back seat instead of in the boot — we all sang 'Omigod, you guys!' until our throats hurt...
As usual, Wilson insisted on entering the auditorium the moment the doors were unlocked.
Our seats were reserved, so there was no rush to get a good view, but he told me he didn't want the Bees to miss a moment of the pre-show atmosphere!
Polly and Billi claimed they had never been to the theatre before... but they were extremely well prepared for the performance, having come equipped with a programme, a box of honey-filled chocolates and tiny little opera glasses.
After the show, everyone kept shouting, 'Omigod, you guys!' and running around re-creating the dance routines.
Billi even told me that she was now considering a career in Law!
Yesterday I took Wilson to Gravesend to see a musical put on by his friend Ms Julia!
It was our first proper outing in the Juke — or the Jukey-Wukey as Wilson insists on calling it.
The journey was very enjoyable — the hedgerows were green with the arrival of Spring and the blackthorn was in flower — if you discount Wilson's constant cries of, 'Faster, New Dad! FASTER!' He seems to think this vehicle is less Nissan, more Formula 1 Ferrari.
However, just before we arrived at the theatre the car started making a funny buzzing noise.
I pulled in to a lay-by to check everything was okay, and discovered Polly and Billi hiding in the boot [trunk] giggling. They said they had stowed away in order to see Legally Blonde — The Musical with us.
It's very difficult to be cross with two bees who are thoroughly overexcited and can't stop giggling...
Hello — we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Still no news about Uncle Zoltan — not even a postcard — but wonderful news about dangerous pesticides that kill bees!
However, Billi (who is the more political one in this marriage) says that since the UK is in the process of leaving the EU and implementing the Great Repeal Bill, we'll probably all get poisoned by pesticides after all. :(
She also says that if we bees go, you'll be next — and that's not an April Fools' Joke!
Here's the link to the story: https://tinyurl.com/k34zv3w
Anyway, we've both got our tarsi crossed for Ms Johanna Konta in this afternoon's Miami Open Final!
Ms Konta lives in Eastbourne, which is only a few days' flying time from Uckfield, although we've never actually met her.
Good Luck Ms Konta!
Tomorrow, Wilson is going to see Legally Blonde! We're a tiny bit jealous, so we might stow away in the new car and go too! Hahaha!
We've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month — until then, BEEEEE GOOD!
Today Wilson washed the car — which was very brave of him, considering his legendary dislike of water!
While he worked he kept his spirits up by singing a traditional car-washing song:
🎶At the car wash, baby
Talking about the car wash, yeah
Come on y'all and sing it for me
Car wash, woah, car wash yeah! 🎶
When he'd finished, he told me I shouldn't expect this to become a habit, as it was strictly a one-off.
He
made a very nice job of it — shiny and streak-free — so as a reward
I've lent him some of my History of Modern Art books... once he'd
thoroughly dried himself off.
Also, I made him swear to me he would never get the new car sign-written.
I've just found Wilson drawing moustaches and various other facial accessories on the TV using the special Glass Marker he borrowed from the Bees.
He's given Nigel Farage (or Nigel Farrago as W wittily calls him) the full works.
I asked why he hadn't done President Trump, and he told me that he's too scared to get close to the screen when 'that man' is on.
That's fair enough — I feel pretty much the same.
However, I have confiscated the marker, and returned it to Polly.
I just hope he can get the drawings off the screen before I settle down to watch Person Of Interest and Broadchurch this evening...
Today I gave Wilson a little history lesson:
WHEN THE MODE OF THE MUSIC CHANGES, THE WALLS OF THE CITY SHAKE!
It
may be 20 years ago today that Sgt Pepper taught the band to play, but
it is now exactly FIFTY years since I headed up to Alexandra Palace for
the 14 HOUR TECHNICOLOUR DREAM — the International Times' benefit event...
1967
was the Summer of Love, when we wore kaftans with flowers in our hair
and bells round our necks, the year of Flower Children and Hippies, the
year we believed Love was All We Needed, the year we thought we could
change the world, when we Made Love Not War, a time of hope, a time when
anything seemed possible...
__________
As a footnote, in 1967
£1 was a LOT of money to pay for a gig ticket. In this case, it was
worth every (old) penny — although I think I got my ticket for 15/-
(75p) by buying it in person from the promoter, Harvey Goldsmith, with
whom I worked at the time.
Wilson woke me just after dawn this morning, sticking his head round my bedroom door and shouting, 'Wake up, New Dad! Wake up! I've got a surprise for you!'
I pulled on my jeans and a T-shirt, and as he hustled me downstairs W explained that because he didn't want me to feel left out by Mothers' Day yesterday, he'd bought me a special present which he knew I really wanted.
Opening the front door, I immediately noticed that our car was missing... replaced by a brand new Nissan Juke!
He grinned at me, and said, 'Don't worry — it's all paid for. Um... one way or another.'
'VISA?' I asked, and he nodded.
I frowned and asked him, 'Have you stolen my identity?'
He looked shocked.
'New Dad — how could you even THINK that of me?' he replied. 'I merely borrowed it for the deposit and the finance. And the insurance, of course.'
Deftly changing the subject, he continued, 'I was going to buy you a yellow one, but I always think a yellow car just screams "Mid-Life Crisis" don't you agree?'
By a cruel irony of fate, on the very day that British Summer Time [Daylight Saving] begins, the battery in Wilson's famous WASTE* MkII self-adjusting clock failed, and he had to not only manually re-set the hands to Summer Time, but also change the battery.
To compound his misery, he had forgotten to send his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, a Mothers' Day Card, so he tried to telephone her at the zoo.
When the phone was answered, I heard Wilson say, 'Hello? Is that... Mr Barry White? Oh. You sound just like him!'
The phone had been answered, he later told me, by a strange, male anteater who identified himself as Mrs Vermilingua's Significant Other.
This person said that Mrs V was unable to come to the phone as she was giving birth to some more pups at the moment, so Wilson just left a message.
'That was probably the latest Dad!' he remarked, matter-of-factly — 'My Mum, Mrs V, would really go for a voice like that!'
________________
*Winter And Summer Timekeeping Equipment
Just in the nick of time, Wilson has prepared the latest page of his Calendar part-work: APRIL 2017!
The picture shows Wilson relaxing while dreaming about the crop in his Tomato Farm growing, flowering, fruiting, ripening and generally taking care of itself.
🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅
Oh, if only it had turned out like that...
Mole keeps wandering round in the new glasses Billi has given him, asking, 'What's that?' about things he's never been able to see before.
Things like the TV, the armchair, me, the huge red thing on the end of Wilson's nose etc.
Wilson is wearing his Red Nose while watching Sara Cox's 24-hour 80s Dance Marathon on TV. I'm pretty sure he fancies Sarah Cox, because he can't take his eyes off the screen while she's on, and he blushes whenever I mention her name!
The comedic but charitable nose is quite uncomfortable, but W told me that he's wearing it for Miss Sara: 'If she can dance for 24 hours,' he said, 'this is the least I can do in return!'
Meanwhile the Johnson Brothers, whose probosces are too tiny to wear prosthetic noses, played football with some spares left over from previous Red Nose Days.
I asked W how the April instalment of his Calendar part-work was coming along — he said not to worry, he'd get round to it as soon as Ms Sara's Dance-a-thon ended.
Mole has told Polly that thinks he might like a pair of glasses Like Billi's, on account of hardly being able to see anything at all.
Once he'd tried Billi's on he said he thinks they may help him look for Uncle Z.
Even though the investigation into Uncle Z's disappearance has now been officially declared a Cold Case, he says it might be a good idea to keep looking on a casual basis, 'Just in case'.
Polly agreed, and gave him her CSI baseball cap, declaring him to be an Official Bounty Hunter.
Wilson is a tiny bit miffed that he didn't get a CSI Baseball Cap too, but he made off with his Cold Case Series 1 Box Set and special marker for writing on glass before anyone changed their minds about them.
Johnson Major is finding it quite a struggle to wipe the Evidence Wall clean — I'm afraid there may be the wrong sort of Incident if that glass Evidence Wall falls over and crushes someone...
Today is International Happiness Day* but the atmosphere Chez Wilson would be more suited to International Melancholy Day, for it is now one month since Uncle Zoltan disappeared without trace.
Billi fears Uncle Zoltan may have travelled to the fabled 'Hornets' Graveyard' — where elderly hornets go to die. Without a doubt, Uncle Z is elderly (he's 56, which for a hornet is beyond ancient) so this seems a tragic but plausible explanation.
The Bees have somehow obtained tiny CSI baseball caps (which make it quite difficult for them to see) but even with these new investigative accessories, I fear this inquiry is now a Cold Case.
Wilson asked Polly whether, since Uncle Z was now officially a Lost Cause, he could borrow the Without A Trace box-set. Oh, and the special pen for writing on glass.
Telling me about yesterday's picnic, he said it went pretty well, although Antony kept making sinister remarks about what happened in the film, Picnic At Hanging Rock which rather spoiled TT's appetite...
_____
* I can only wonder who's idea it was to schedule International Happiness Day on a Monday...
I think the constant talk of Uncle Z's disappearance is getting Wilson down, so this morning he announced that he was going out for a picnic, and anyone who wanted to join him was welcome.
At the top of Mallard Drive, next to the Highlands roundabout, there is an area apparently called Chestnut Ridge, where some landscaping work seems to have been abandoned half-way through.
At the moment it looks a bit of an eyesore, but Wilson reasoned that, if whoever is responsible for it saw people using it and enjoying themselves there, it would encourage them to get the work finished.
Accordingly, he packed his picnic basket with ant-based comestibles and headed off — accompanied by Antony, Tiny Toy, Dave the Pig, Neil the Sloth and Mole the Mole.
I didn't go because I think it's still a bit cold for alfresco dining... and I'm really trying to reduce my ant consumption. To zero. 😕
