Questions such as:
Is it electric?
Is it self-driving?
Has it got an Ejector Seat?
Rocket Launchers?
An Invisibility Cloak?
and perhaps most important of all,
Will this car make my New Dad happy?
06/03/2017
QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS AND MORE QUESTIONS
Once Wilson had settled down with the first of his many cups of complementary coffee, he asked the salesman countless probing questions about the Juke — questions which he thought I might have been afraid to ask.
Questions such as:
Is it electric?
Is it self-driving?
Has it got an Ejector Seat?
Rocket Launchers?
An Invisibility Cloak?
and perhaps most important of all,
Will this car make my New Dad happy?
Questions such as:
Is it electric?
Is it self-driving?
Has it got an Ejector Seat?
Rocket Launchers?
An Invisibility Cloak?
and perhaps most important of all,
Will this car make my New Dad happy?
05/03/2017
NATIONAL ANT DAY
We made our way over to the showroom and introduced ourselves to the salesman, who asked whether we'd like a cup of tea or coffee.
I said I'd really like a double espresso, but when I turned to see what Wilson wanted, I found he'd left my side and was running out the door! Calling over his shoulder, he shouted: 'I'll be back in a minute! Well, not more than an hour or two, anyway. Probably.' and he was gone.
This left me in a rather embarrassing position, as I had no idea of the purpose of this meeting — but the salesman returned a moment later with my coffee, and showed me a Juke that was parked in the showroom, pointing out its beautiful lines and cleverly concealed rear doors.
After he had demonstrated the Keyless Entry system I sat in the driver's seat while he explained the automatic headlights and the all-round parking-assist cameras. I must admit, it was very impressive!
Finally Wilson returned, wearing his crown and a smile, proudly carrying his jam-jar containing a single ant.
'Did someone mention coffee? he enquired.
I said I'd really like a double espresso, but when I turned to see what Wilson wanted, I found he'd left my side and was running out the door! Calling over his shoulder, he shouted: 'I'll be back in a minute! Well, not more than an hour or two, anyway. Probably.' and he was gone.
This left me in a rather embarrassing position, as I had no idea of the purpose of this meeting — but the salesman returned a moment later with my coffee, and showed me a Juke that was parked in the showroom, pointing out its beautiful lines and cleverly concealed rear doors.
After he had demonstrated the Keyless Entry system I sat in the driver's seat while he explained the automatic headlights and the all-round parking-assist cameras. I must admit, it was very impressive!
Finally Wilson returned, wearing his crown and a smile, proudly carrying his jam-jar containing a single ant.
'Did someone mention coffee? he enquired.
04/03/2017
MID LIFE CRISIS
As we drove out to the Nissan Dealership to keep my Mystery Appointment, Wilson pointed out that a Nissan Juke would be an ideal mid-life-crisis vehicle — sporty, but safer than a Harley-Davidson VR1000 superbike.
I don't know how old W thinks I am, but my mid-life crises are all well behind me now.
Moreover, the Juke remind W of Lightning McQueen in the Pixar movie Cars — Ka-Chow!
Be that as it may, the Juke IS a very attractive car...
I don't know how old W thinks I am, but my mid-life crises are all well behind me now.
Moreover, the Juke remind W of Lightning McQueen in the Pixar movie Cars — Ka-Chow!
Be that as it may, the Juke IS a very attractive car...
03/03/2017
NISSAN
I've been wondering who might be the target demographic for Wilson's Ant Report, because I couldn't think of anyone who needed — or would be even remotely interested in — that kind of information.
When I asked him, he gave me a withering look and sighed in the manner of someone addressing a child. Or an idiot.
He explained, in a tone of voice that suggested he was repeating something which he had told me MANY times before, that such information is like gold dust to anteaters all over the world in the run-up to National Ant Day — which, as it happens, falls this Sunday.
So now I know!
In other news, I have received a phone call from the local NISSAN Dealership, confirming my appointment for tomorrow.
I know absolutely nothing about this, but the young man who called sounded very nice, and as I didn't like to disappoint him I agreed to go.
Still no news of Uncle Zoltan.
When I asked him, he gave me a withering look and sighed in the manner of someone addressing a child. Or an idiot.
He explained, in a tone of voice that suggested he was repeating something which he had told me MANY times before, that such information is like gold dust to anteaters all over the world in the run-up to National Ant Day — which, as it happens, falls this Sunday.
So now I know!
In other news, I have received a phone call from the local NISSAN Dealership, confirming my appointment for tomorrow.
I know absolutely nothing about this, but the young man who called sounded very nice, and as I didn't like to disappoint him I agreed to go.
Still no news of Uncle Zoltan.
02/03/2017
WORLD BOOK DAY
To celebrate the 20th World Book Day, please accept a free copy of two of Wilson's books:
Anteaters In Space:
http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/anteaters_in_space_book
and Wilson Vermilingua's Big Book of Free Stuff:
https://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/big_book_of_free_stuff_4issuu
You're welcome!
http://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/
Anteaters In Space:
http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/anteaters_in_space_book
and Wilson Vermilingua's Big Book of Free Stuff:
https://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/big_book_of_free_stuff_4issuu
You're welcome!
http://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/
01/03/2017
THE BEES' BLOG
What with Uncle Zoltan disappearing without trace, the Bees are feeling quite low.
So Wilson suggested that instead of writing their Blog today (which, let's face it, is often filled with quite distressing news about the imminent extinction of bees due to indiscriminate use of pesticides) they go down to the Mall and have a few goes on the Happy Bee ride, while he stays at home to man the phone in case there is news of uncle Z.
He even gave them a big pile of £1 coins to spend on the machine, in hopes that it might cheer them up.
He's a generous lad, although I know deep down I shall find all the £1 coins missing from my loose change jar...
Billi has taken her 'Have you seen this insect?' banner with her to the Mall.
Polly thought 'Insect' was more likely to elicit a positive response than 'Hornet' which, she admits, does have 'one or two' negative connotations...
So Wilson suggested that instead of writing their Blog today (which, let's face it, is often filled with quite distressing news about the imminent extinction of bees due to indiscriminate use of pesticides) they go down to the Mall and have a few goes on the Happy Bee ride, while he stays at home to man the phone in case there is news of uncle Z.
He even gave them a big pile of £1 coins to spend on the machine, in hopes that it might cheer them up.
He's a generous lad, although I know deep down I shall find all the £1 coins missing from my loose change jar...
Billi has taken her 'Have you seen this insect?' banner with her to the Mall.
Polly thought 'Insect' was more likely to elicit a positive response than 'Hornet' which, she admits, does have 'one or two' negative connotations...
27/02/2017
THE ANT REPORT
Now I understand what an 'alternative media platform' means — Wilson has decided to host his Ant Report on the Blog instead of on broadcast tv, since it will cost him nothing... although with a readership significantly below the 5 Million viewers Sky News had promised.
Out of idle curiosity, I asked Wilson where he was getting the data for his Ants Report, and he said he was using AI.
'Artificial Intelligence?' I asked, greatly impressed by his resourcefulness.
'No,' he replied, 'Anteater Intuition — it never lets me down! Well, not often, anyway...'
At least with all this going on, plus the search for Uncle Zoltan still in full swing, Wilson has been distracted from thoughts of his Winter Holiday!
Out of idle curiosity, I asked Wilson where he was getting the data for his Ants Report, and he said he was using AI.
'Artificial Intelligence?' I asked, greatly impressed by his resourcefulness.
'No,' he replied, 'Anteater Intuition — it never lets me down! Well, not often, anyway...'
At least with all this going on, plus the search for Uncle Zoltan still in full swing, Wilson has been distracted from thoughts of his Winter Holiday!
26/02/2017
THE HIGH COST OF SPONSORSHIP
Wilson has learned that sponsoring The Ant Report on Sky News would be prohibitively expensive.
He told the young lady from the Sales Department who called him that he wanted to sponsor a 30 seconds report — not buy the entire SKY Network!
So, he has told me he will find an 'alternative media platform' to host his Ant Report.
I don't really know what that means...
He told the young lady from the Sales Department who called him that he wanted to sponsor a 30 seconds report — not buy the entire SKY Network!
So, he has told me he will find an 'alternative media platform' to host his Ant Report.
I don't really know what that means...
25/02/2017
ONE OF OUR HORNETS IS MISSING!
Wilson has been out and about in the village this morning, putting up posters offering what he describes as 'a substantial reward' for information about Uncle Z, of whom there is still no news.
I disapprove of Wilson's fly-posting activities, but I suppose these are extenuating circumstances.
I've only just seen the posters, and I have to say I don't think the Bees would altogether approve of the wording he's used — it doesn't exactly say 'Reward for information leading to Uncle Zoltan's safe return' which is what they asked for... and personally I think the bullets-holes are just a bit gratuitous.
Still, with any luck the Bees won't see them!
Wherever you are, could you go outside and shout, 'Uncle Zoltan — please phone home as your relatives are concerned for your safety!' just in case he's somewhere near you?
Thanks!
I disapprove of Wilson's fly-posting activities, but I suppose these are extenuating circumstances.
I've only just seen the posters, and I have to say I don't think the Bees would altogether approve of the wording he's used — it doesn't exactly say 'Reward for information leading to Uncle Zoltan's safe return' which is what they asked for... and personally I think the bullets-holes are just a bit gratuitous.
Still, with any luck the Bees won't see them!
Wherever you are, could you go outside and shout, 'Uncle Zoltan — please phone home as your relatives are concerned for your safety!' just in case he's somewhere near you?
Thanks!
24/02/2017
STORM DORIS
Wilson is in the garden with Dave, inspecting the damage caused by Storm Doris as it swept across Britain yesterday.
Happily, there was no structural damage nor loss of life, but as W is constantly reminding me, 'You can never be too careful where hurricanes are concerned, New Dad — they're treacherous coves!'
He has promised the Bees that once he's completed his inspection he'll design and print some posters offering a 'substantial' reward for information leading to Uncle Zoltan's safe return.
Happily, there was no structural damage nor loss of life, but as W is constantly reminding me, 'You can never be too careful where hurricanes are concerned, New Dad — they're treacherous coves!'
He has promised the Bees that once he's completed his inspection he'll design and print some posters offering a 'substantial' reward for information leading to Uncle Zoltan's safe return.
22/02/2017
MARCH 2017
In spite of the furore caused by Uncle Zoltan's sudden and baffling disappearance, Wilson has completed the March page of your Free 2017 Anteater Calendar!
This may be because of his sense of public duty to you, his loyal reader, or it may be that he's secretly relieved by Uncle Z's absence because he's no longer subject to constant criticism by the irascible insect!
Whatever, this month's picture shows Wilson relaxing with a bottle of wine at a pavement café in Jersey.
Or it might be Devon.
Or even the Isle of Wight.
Wherever it was, he says it was lovely and warm and relaxing, and he'd like to be back there very soon!
This may be because of his sense of public duty to you, his loyal reader, or it may be that he's secretly relieved by Uncle Z's absence because he's no longer subject to constant criticism by the irascible insect!
Whatever, this month's picture shows Wilson relaxing with a bottle of wine at a pavement café in Jersey.
Or it might be Devon.
Or even the Isle of Wight.
Wherever it was, he says it was lovely and warm and relaxing, and he'd like to be back there very soon!
20/02/2017
GRAVE NEWS
Polly still hasn't returned from Uncle Zoltan's hive, so after breakfast Billi popped round to see what was occurring.
She has just returned, bearing grave news.
The hive is deserted — they have searched it from top to bottom, and there is no sign of Uncle Zoltan.
The only evidence of recent activity is an empty vodka bottle (which is disturbing in itself, as Uncle Z is a lifelong teetotaller) and a letter discarded on the floor.
Polly picked the letter up and read it: it is from Vogue UK Magazine, declining his application for the post of Editor on the grounds that they do not normally employ vespinae for reasons of Health & Safety.
They even spelled his name wrongly, addressing him as Mr Soltan — what more profound insult could there be?
Wilson quickly sorted out a couple of his W Vermilingua OBE — Consulting Detective cards to give to the bees, in case they wish to avail themselves of his professional investigative services...
She has just returned, bearing grave news.
The hive is deserted — they have searched it from top to bottom, and there is no sign of Uncle Zoltan.
The only evidence of recent activity is an empty vodka bottle (which is disturbing in itself, as Uncle Z is a lifelong teetotaller) and a letter discarded on the floor.
Polly picked the letter up and read it: it is from Vogue UK Magazine, declining his application for the post of Editor on the grounds that they do not normally employ vespinae for reasons of Health & Safety.
They even spelled his name wrongly, addressing him as Mr Soltan — what more profound insult could there be?
Wilson quickly sorted out a couple of his W Vermilingua OBE — Consulting Detective cards to give to the bees, in case they wish to avail themselves of his professional investigative services...
19/02/2017
SPONSORSHIP
Wilson has emailed Sky News to ask how much it would cost for him to sponsor something like the Snow Report.
He still hasn't told me exactly what he intends to sponsor — merely hinted that it would be a 'Totes game-changer.'
I suspect their reply will say it will be enormously expensive — I'd hide my VISA card, but W has memorised all the details...
Polly has popped round to see Uncle Zoltan, just to check he's alright following the letter he received a couple of days ago.
He still hasn't told me exactly what he intends to sponsor — merely hinted that it would be a 'Totes game-changer.'
I suspect their reply will say it will be enormously expensive — I'd hide my VISA card, but W has memorised all the details...
Polly has popped round to see Uncle Zoltan, just to check he's alright following the letter he received a couple of days ago.
18/02/2017
SNOW REPORT
Wilson was just finishing a late breakfast of boiled egg and soldiers with ant sprinkles, when he noticed the Sky Snow Report on tv.
He ran out to me and asked whether I knew how much it would cost to sponsor the Sky Snow Report.
I replied by asking him why on earth he'd want to, but he tossed his head in frustration and ran off.
He ran out to me and asked whether I knew how much it would cost to sponsor the Sky Snow Report.
I replied by asking him why on earth he'd want to, but he tossed his head in frustration and ran off.
17/02/2017
A PORTENTOUS EVENT GOES UNNOTICED
Driving home from the restaurant last night, in a (probably doomed) attempt to persuade Wilson to postpone his Weston Super Mare holiday until later in the year, I reminded him how cold and wet our holidays in Blackpool and Liverpool had been.
He countered my every point by saying how great those holidays had been in spite of the cold, wet and windy weather.
Once he'd said, 'You know, New Dad, wherever we go, we have a brilliant time as long as we're together!' I knew I had lost my case...
This morning Uncle Zoltan received an official-looking letter in the post — he carried it off to his hive, probably in order to read it in private.
He countered my every point by saying how great those holidays had been in spite of the cold, wet and windy weather.
Once he'd said, 'You know, New Dad, wherever we go, we have a brilliant time as long as we're together!' I knew I had lost my case...
This morning Uncle Zoltan received an official-looking letter in the post — he carried it off to his hive, probably in order to read it in private.
15/02/2017
ROBERT DE NIRO
Once our main courses had arrived — vegetarian Ravioli for W, Calzone for me (W was initially outraged, thinking I'd ordered Calamari) — Wilson began to outline the many and manifold reasons why mid February would be the ideal time for a seaside holiday: how the beaches wouldn't be crowded, hotels would be cheap, parking would be easy and there wouldn't be crowds of noisy, ill-behaved children shouting 'Ooh — look at that anteater!' and pointing rudely at him.
Then he glanced back over both his shoulders, leaned forward conspiratorially and asked, 'New Dad, in that song Robert de Niro's Waiting — is he a waiter here? 'Cos I'd like his autograph if he is.'
Then he glanced back over both his shoulders, leaned forward conspiratorially and asked, 'New Dad, in that song Robert de Niro's Waiting — is he a waiter here? 'Cos I'd like his autograph if he is.'
13/02/2017
EATING ITALIAN
As soon as we'd ordered our food, I took a deep breath and prepared myself to raise the thorny topic of Wilson's illegal FlyPosting, but before I could speak he surprised me by raising one paw and saying, 'It's alright, New Dad, you don't have to say anything — I know why you've brought me here.'
I began to think this difficult discussion might be a lot easier than I'd feared, but before I could say another word, W continued: 'It's about the holiday you promised me before Xmas, isn't it? Our holiday in Weston Super Market!'
I began to think this difficult discussion might be a lot easier than I'd feared, but before I could say another word, W continued: 'It's about the holiday you promised me before Xmas, isn't it? Our holiday in Weston Super Market!'
12/02/2017
CAR TALK
For the rest of the journey to the restaurant, Wilson chatted excitedly about the cars we'd just seen, extolling the special virtues of each one.
I expect he's imagining the sort of car he'd like to have when he gets older...
As we entered the restaurant, I straightened my back and steeled myself for the coming unpleasantness: NOTHING was going to stop me discussing W's illegal FlyPosting activities, and how they have to stop!
Wilson was cheerfully unaware of the coming confrontation, however, cheerfully humming Robert De Niro's Waiting, Talking Italian.
I expect he's imagining the sort of car he'd like to have when he gets older...
As we entered the restaurant, I straightened my back and steeled myself for the coming unpleasantness: NOTHING was going to stop me discussing W's illegal FlyPosting activities, and how they have to stop!
Wilson was cheerfully unaware of the coming confrontation, however, cheerfully humming Robert De Niro's Waiting, Talking Italian.
11/02/2017
EATING OUT
As I suggested, today I'm taking Wilson out for a nice meal to get him in a good mood... so I can break the news to him that his FlyPosting activities must cease.
We're going to an out-of-town restaurant to avoid the inevitable embarrassment when W offers to treat me and tries to pay with Uckfield Pounds!
On the way to the restaurant we passed a car dealership, and W asked whether we could stop to take a look round.
It wasn't quite dark yet, so I agreed — though I forbade him from speaking to any salesmen and utterly prohibited him from signing anything!
We're going to an out-of-town restaurant to avoid the inevitable embarrassment when W offers to treat me and tries to pay with Uckfield Pounds!
On the way to the restaurant we passed a car dealership, and W asked whether we could stop to take a look round.
It wasn't quite dark yet, so I agreed — though I forbade him from speaking to any salesmen and utterly prohibited him from signing anything!
10/02/2017
WELCOME HERE — NOT
I've already had a word with Wilson about FlyPosting, but this morning I learned that he'd been out again, sticking up Uckfield Pound Welcome Here stickers on local shop windows.
Over the weekend I think I'll take him out to a nice meal, then when he's in a good mood, sated with food and drink, I'll break it to him that it has got to stop.
In other news, I should like to apologise to the late Sir John Betjeman for the dreadful title of Wednesday's Blog Post. :(
Over the weekend I think I'll take him out to a nice meal, then when he's in a good mood, sated with food and drink, I'll break it to him that it has got to stop.
In other news, I should like to apologise to the late Sir John Betjeman for the dreadful title of Wednesday's Blog Post. :(
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