My Stash is Raided!

Wilson has raided my Secret Stash of Easter Eggs — I found him this morning in the garden with all the Easter Eggs I'd bought for him and the children!

When I asked what he thought he was doing, he said he was hiding the eggs for tomorrow's Easter Egg Hunt — because I am apparently rubbish at hiding things, due to me always choosing obvious hiding places.

I protested that I was actually a good and ingenious hider, but he raised one eyebrow and replied, 'I found your Secret Easter Egg Stash, didn't I?'

'I won't be much fun for you tomorrow will it?' I said. 'You'll already know where all the eggs are!'

'They will be SO well hidden'' he replied, 'that by tomorrow I shall have totes forgotten where I've put them!'

He may be right — I'm always doing that with the TV remote and my keys, and they're not even hidden!

Chocolate Egg Day. Not.

I was woken before dawn this morning by the sound of Wilson rooting round under my bed with a torch. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was on his Easter Egg Hunt.

I hauled him out and explained that he didn't get any eggs until Sunday, not Good Friday.

He looked very disappointed, and said he'd thought that was why it was called GOOD Friday: because of the chocolate. Actually, he looked so downcast that I relented and gave him an early Mini-Egg just to cheer him up. 

He went off happily enough, saying that he was going to share his egg with the children then plan his Easter Weekend — which will probably involve a lot of cocoa solids in one form or another, not to mention ants…

Business Card Printing

Wilson  has designed and printed a short run of his Consulting Detective business cards, and today he revealed the design. He says he's printed just a few thousand to sound out interest before he has what he calls 'a proper print run' professionally printed.

If a few thousand is just 'a short run', goodness knows how many 'a proper print run' might be!

He watched DCI Banks on TV last night and remarked that police officers have to mix with a lot of very unsavoury characters, but he's sure that a Consulting Detective will meet 'a better class of criminal.'

Actually, he's started calling the lawbreakers 'crims' or 'perps'… or even (though I disapprove) 'scrotes'!

The Bill, although greatly missed, does have a lot to answer for…

____________

Wilson also sends Get Well Soon wishes to his one-time love, Ms Joni Mitchell, who has been taken seriously poorly.

Health and Safety

P+B [in unison]: 'Hello! We are The Bees, Polly-B and Billi-B, and this is our guest blog!'

P: 'Today I want to say just two words to you: "Health and Safety".'

B: 'That's three words.'

P: 'I wasn't counting the "and".'

B: I think you should have!'

P: 'It doesn't signify.'

B: 'Nevertheless.'

P: 'We'll discuss it later. Anyway, you will be aware that Wilson recently suffered a nasty injury when he got his sniffer stuck in a megaphone, so I want to tell you one thing: BE VERY CAREFUL when using a megaphone. Don't get anything stuck in it!'

B: 'That's two things!'

P: 'Whatever! Johnson Minor, come out of there or you might get stuck!'

P+B [in unison]: 'Today's guest blog was brought to you by The Bees! Take care and we'll see you next month!'

Consulting Detective

It has occurred to Wilson that he will never be a millionaire just by drawing a salary, so before throwing in his lot with the Sussex Police Force he's decided to see whether being a Private Detective would pay better — and indeed whether anyone would consult him.

To this end he's designing himself a Business Card along the lines of that greatest of all Consulting Detectives, Mr Sherlock Holmes, which he intends to hand out while we're away on our holidays in order to assess the possible demand for his services.

He is under strict instructions from me not to light his meerschaum pipe in any circumstances!

Convalescence

Now that Wilson's sniffer has finally been released from the end of his megaphone he has gone into 'recuperation' mode, ie watching TV while being waited on.

He's watching a lot of Lewis, DCI Banks and Vera, having decided that he might be a detective when he grows up. Or failing that, a TV detective. 

He's told me he'd like to be 'Vermilingua Of The Yard' with a Sargeant like DS Hathaway from Lewis. Or DI Helen Morton, who is played by Caroline Katz — she also plays Louisa Glasson in Doc Martin, and W has a bit of a crush on her.

He's got the children saying things like, 'We're totes baffled — we must send for Vermilingua of the Yard!'

A&E

What with his concentrating on the recent Solar Eclipse, Wilson has been caught out by the start of British Summer Time today. On the plus side, this means we've not all had to endure weeks of him plugging his automatic Daylight-Saving invention, the WASTE MkII Clock.

However, back in the so-called Big Brother House it turns out my REAL Secret Mission for today was getting Wilson to the Accident and Emergency unit of the village hospital without anyone seeing. 

He was extremely embarrassed to have got his nose stuck tight in his megaphone.

Secret Task

My Secret Task from Big Brother turned out to be to finish painting without complaining, so we can go on holiday.

In fact, while Wilson had been planning for and recovering from the Eclipse I pretty much finished the re-decorating anyway, so it wasn't too difficult. 

My next Secret Task is to pack for the holidays...

Big Brother

I don't wear many 'Label' clothes, but I was surprised to find this morning when I opened my wardrobe that all my clothes had Gaffer Tape stuck over any visible logos. 

I was even more surprised to hear a VERY loud voice coming from downstairs, announcing: 'This is Big Brother — Will New Dad assemble in the kitchen immediately!'

When I arrived I found Wilson addressing me through a megaphone.

'Hello New Dad!' he shouted, 'Big Brother has noticed that you've been looking a bit glum lately, so I've decided to pretend you're in Big Brother on TV — it will be fun and will cheer you up! I have a Secret Task for you…' 

Recycling

I'm a pretty resolute Recycler, but today I made an exception with a recent copy of New Scientist Magazine. It's the one with a big feature about Head Transplants and with instructions for carrying out experiments in your kitchen.

One of its projects explained how to build a Large Hadron Collider using a salad spinner, tin foil and an HT unit from a dismantled air conditioner. I would have thought this would inevitably be a Small Hadron Collider, but I'm not an expert.

Whatever the details, though, I didn't want Wilson upset by talk of Head Transplants, and I didn't want him experimenting with HT units either, so while he played in the garden I snuck this particular copy out to the dustbin for landfill. 

I apologise to the environment, but it was necessary!

Dymo addendum...

Wilson is enormously proud of the Blue Plaque which he persuaded the Mayor to have placed on the front wall of our house, and he thought today would be a good day to update his achievements listed on it.

Rather than impose the cost of a new plaque on the ratepayers of Uckfield, he has used his Dymo Labelmaker as a temporary solution…

2015 Eclipse Blues

Wilson has written a 12-Bar Blues to celebrate the recent Solar Eclipse. He calls it his '2015 Eclipse Blues' and today he sang it to everyone:

   Woke up this morning

   Moon came in front of the sun

   Yes I woke up this morning

   And the moon was in front of the sun

   It was dark for a moment

   But now it's all over and done.

   Oh yeah! 

Thankyouverymuch!

Happy Eclipsmas, everyone!

Uncle Zoltan Has Left The Building! Oh...

W sang this quite quickly as he was worried about missing Judge Rinder on afternoon tv… he is an anteater with clear priorities.

Eclipse debrief

Once the eclipse was deemed to have concluded, everyone headed back into the house to watch the eclipse again on TV. There we were able to see what we would have seen if we'd been under clear skies in the Shetland Islands… rather than under heavy cloud in Uckfield.

It was interesting to get such a good view of the total eclipse, although since everyone — at Wilson's insistence — was still wearing their goggles ('just to be on the safe side') it was quite difficult to make anything out.

As W explained to me later, when it comes to eclipses, you can't be too careful. 'Health and Safety have to be our watchwords, New Dad!'

ECLIPSE — dramatic new photograph

Wilson asked me to take this snap at the moment of Maximum Occlusion… although since that amounted to only some 80% and there was thick cloud cover overhead, it didn't get very dark.

Nevertheless, W told everyone that this was a historic moment to be treasured.

The children complained that they couldn't see the eclipse because it was too dark — once W had explained that WAS the eclipse, they kept squeezing their eyes tight shut and shouting, 'It's Eclipsing! It's Eclipsing!'

Eclipse Drill

I was roused from my bed before dawn this morning and summoned to the living room to take part in Wilson's Eclipse Drill — a safety exercise designed to ensure that everyone knows what to expect during the eclipse, thus avoiding any distress or panic.

The drill consisted of everyone donning their Eclipse Safety Glasses and looking at the ceiling light while Wilson switched it on and off. Several times.

Once he was satisfied that all would be well, he ushered us out into the garden to witness the Big Event itself. As we filed out he wished us all a Very Happy Eclipsmas!

Tomorrow I shall post dramatic photos taken at what W calls 'the Moment of Maximum Eclipsity.'

Safety glasses

An interesting-looking parcel arrived this morning, addressed to Wilson. He took it into the living room and opened it to reveal several pairs of Eclipse Goggles he'd ordered on-line in preparation for tomorrow's Solar Eclipse.

He handed one pair to me and gave the rest to the Johnson Brothers, Antony and Tiny Toy, asking them to distribute a pair to everyone — and also to pass on the message that he would be holding a 'safety rehearsal' shortly, so that no-one would be scared by the actual eclipse.

I don't think anyone had been nervous about the prospect of the eclipse... until he mentioned that fear was a possible reaction.

Rare Astronomical event is foretold

Wilson was watching The Sky At Night recently and heard about the upcoming Solar Eclipse this Friday — he's very excited by this rare event and is reading up on how they work, why they're so uncommon and so on.

Perhaps when he was closeted in his Museum he was converting it into a Solar Observatory? 

There's no sign of it having a domed roof yet, but who can tell...

Recovery position

After his fainting spell yesterday, Wilson has assumed what he calls the 'Recovery Position' — which is lying on the sofa eating snacks provided by his 'Nursing Staff' (Polly and Billi) — while he reconsiders his career path.

Having turned his back on the medical profession, he's watching back episodes of Lewis on tv and says that being a Detective is quite appealing, but he might prefer to be a Consulting Detective like his hero Mr Sherlock Holmes. 

A further complication is that he read recently that The Pope is considering retiring. W really wanted that job last time it was vacant, and was pretty upset not to even get an interview…

Training video

This morning Wilson was in the living room watching one of what he calls his 'Medical Training Videos' — probably an episode of Doc Martin, a comfortable drama about a family doctor — while I sat quietly with a mug of coffee in the kitchen, reflecting that I'm sure he isn't getting up to anything irresponsible in his Museum. 

I've often found him out there furtively reading copies of New Scientist magazine and getting into a state about 'Reality' and 'Alternative Universes,' so an unhealthy interest in magic seems very unlikely.

I was rudely roused from my musings when the bees rushed in to tell me that Wilson had passed out!

Turns out he wasn't watching Doc Martin but CR:IT:IC:AL — an extremely realistic drama about a Trauma Unit — and had fainted at the first sight of internal organs.

Perhaps I should consider setting up the Parental Lock on the Sky+ Box…

Dabbling in the Occult

Yesterday the bees borrowed an old radio from Wilson's 'Museum.' W seemed quite upset by this, and today he asked them whether 'anything had happened' while they were in there. He seemed reassured by their negative reply, but scuttled off and shut himself inside.

I don't know what he's been up to in there, but he's certainly very secretive about it. I hope he's not experimenting with the Dark Arts, Dabbling in the Occult. 

At the first sign of a Ouija Board or a Pentagram I shall have a word with him…