Shopping in the village

Today being sunny and a little warmer than of late, Wilson popped in to the village to buy more ingredients for his 'warm snow' invention.

When he returned he had just one tub, explaining cheerfully, 'Talcum powder is way more expensive than I expected — its cost might jeopardise my entire invention!'

I was puzzled why he didn't seem at all upset by this realisation, so I enquired whether he'd done anything else while he was out.

'Well, it's funny you should ask,' he replied, 'but I was right by the Travel Agents and they've got some brilliant deals — it would probably be cheaper to go away on holiday than it would be to stay at home…'

Also, Wilson has just told me that today is World Pangolin Day, so he'll be cooking something a bit special for dinner tonight, by way of celebration!

Designing a poster

One of Wilson's friends, Ms Jan, has suggested a name for his 'warm snow' product: 'No Freeze.' 

W was very taken by this and, never one to let the grass grow under his paws, has already designed a promotional poster for it, re-spelling and branding it NOFREEEZ.

'I've got to get this on the market straight away, New Dad!' he explained excitedly, 'This is a product just waiting to happen, and I don't want someone else pinching my idea — like they did with my Odd Socks invention!'

He's made a very nice job of the poster but, although he's excited, I do wish he wouldn't stand on the furniture.

A brisk walk in the fresh air!

Wilson has a lot on his mind at the moment, what with the games he's developing, his Periodic Table of Ants and his new invention, Warm Snow. Then there's his worries about Uncle Zoltan abducting the children. I hope all this isn't getting on top of him.

Recalling the Animal Psychiatrist's advice about Exercise and appropriate Anteaterly Activities, this morning, before he had time to protest, I took him out for a nice brisk walk in the fresh air.

He didn't enjoy it, moaning all the way about how walking was a waste of time when we have cars, and pointing out that, since real snow is so cold, his Warm Snow (still awaiting a marketing name — suggestions welcomed) would assuredly be an unqualified hit!

A surprising invention

Wilson looked very thoughtful as he vacuumed up all the spilt talcum powder in the living room, and shortly after he'd finished I found him in the kitchen.

'Don't speak, New Dad!' he warned me, 'Don't interrupt my chain of thought! I am inventing… Warm Snow!'

_________

Please feel free to Share and re-post Wilson's Adventures — you'd make an ambitious young anteater very happy!

Letter of complaint

Finally, after literally hours of speculation and excitement, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor tore open their parcel. 

It's difficult to say what happened next, as everything in the room disappeared in a cloud of whiteness! There was much coughing and laughing as the boys played in the snowdrift of what turned out to be talcum powder.

A little later, while the boys still threw the dusty white powder at each other and ran around in the mess, Wilson found a note that had accompanied the pot of talc: it was a letter of complaint addressed to Messrs. Johnson & Johnson, grumbling about the 'inadequate packaging' of their product.

W tossed the missive aside, sighing, 'I suppose I'm going to be the one who has to Hoover all this up...'

Johnson & Johnson

There was much excitement this morning when the postman delivered a parcel addressed to Johnson & Johnson. The Johnson Brothers have never received any mail before, let alone a mysterious package, so they and Polly spent a long time just staring at it excitedly and speculating over its possible contents.

Wilson is beside himself with curiosity, and can barely contain himself — I think if the Johnsons or Polly don't unwrap it soon he might explode!

Stain removal

Today the bees agreed to try to clean up the mess Wilson had made when dying his curtains. 

While W looked on anxiously, they got out the cleaning materials (a top-secret product containing Royal Jelly) and set-to with mop and bucket. The stain has not completely vanished, but it does look quite a lot better than before.

W has promised that he'll ask me before he dyes anything else. 

And read the instructions.

And wear rubber gloves.

Déjà Vu

Exactly the same thing happened today as happened last St Valentine's Day. In fact, the same thing that has happened every St Valentine's Day since Wilson first came to live here: he received a Valentine Card signed from 'A Secret Admirer.' 

When the huge envelope fell onto the doormat he sighed wearily. 

He sighed wearily again as he tore it open. 

He sighed wearily as he opened the enormous card and read the message, 'Happy Valentine's Day from your Secret Admirer!'

The sighing is all because he is convinced it is his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, sending these cards every year, and he finds it a bit… well, embarrassing. 

Polly and Billy, on the other hand, find it very funny and do rather tease him about it...

Uncle Z's Memoirs

Polly has just returned from the hive, where she has been reading Uncle Zoltan's Memoirs, Chapter 1.

She told us all that Uncle Zoltan was hatched in 1961, which makes him about 54.This is exceptionally old for a bee. So old that he thinks he is due several telegrams from the Queen. 

Whether that would be from HRH HM Queen Elizabeth II or the queen of the hive was not made clear.

Billi remarked that it's only being so bitter that keeps him going...

Redecorating

Yesterday Wilson ordered a 'Mystery Box' of fabric dyes on eBay — I think he was a bit hurt by my describing his new curtains as 'the horriblest things I've ever seen' so he had the dyes sent Express.

Not only did they arrive before breakfast, W has already dyed the curtains a livid magenta colour, and re-hung them!

He asked me if I thought they looked better now. To avoid having to give an honest answer, I asked him what all those magenta streaks running down the kitchen wall were. 

He confessed that in his haste he hadn't read the instructions, and it was possible he hadn't rinsed and dried the curtains quite enough before he re-hung them… but he was sure the bees would have a Top Tip for getting stains off wallpaper.

I hope he's right about that; Billi said she 'hadn't got a Scoobie', and Polly is still in the hive with Uncle Zoltan…

Autobiography

Today Polly popped round to the hive to check on Uncle Zoltan, since no one had seen or heard anything of him for several days.

She found him in his study, typing. He told her that he'd started to type a Post-It Note a couple of days ago and it gradually turned into his autobiography!

He's written nearly thirty pages, and he hasn't even reached the bit where he hatched yet! This looks set to be a very detailed autobiography…

Prying eyes...

Over breakfast Polly mentioned that she hadn't heard from Uncle Zoltan for several days, and she would pop over later to check that he was alright.

Wilson has hung some new curtains in the kitchen — not at the window but in front of the notice board. He says that his invention must at all costs be shielded from prying eyes, and he'd seen curtains used like this in a war film on tv.

The curtains are possibly the horriblest things I've ever seen…

Periodic Table

Today Wilson revealed his 'Scientific and Taxonomic Breakthrough' — it is a "Periodic Table of Ants." Allegedly.

W pinned it up on his noticeboard in the kitchen so it was easier to work on, but impressed on me the need for total secrecy. 

'Dr Rosalind Franklin invented DNA, but those rascals Watson and Crick pinched it from her and won half a Nobel Prize each!' he explained. 'I don't want anyone nicking or sharing my Nobel Prize!'

A little later he told me that he was being extra careful not to go outside the lines with his colouring-in, as he was young enough to compete for the Turner Prize too, and was feeling 'Well confident'…

Open University

Yesterday's Snow Day involved a lot less hardship than the term usually implies — everyone sat round in the living room playing pANTS!, watching Daytime TV, eating and drinking. In Wilson's case, specially drinking.

Several of W's friends have pointed out that he is actually too young to buy (and consume) wines and spirits. I mentioned this to him and he told me not to worry about it because he has a fake ID. He also said that his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, has always been a great gin enthusiast, and he'd been drinking it since he was a tiny pup.

'Anyway,' he added, 'Checkout operators are rubbish at estimating the age of anteaters — I just say grown-up things when I'm near them!'

After dozing off in front of an Open University broadcast, W told me that he's had a BRILLIANT idea. I'm afraid my heart always sinks a little when I hear this, because I know it will cause trouble. 

Anyway, it's keeping him quiet today: he's cut off a length of my Colorama background paper and he's ruling it up into squares, to what end I know not…

SNOW DAY

Today dawned cold but sunny, with blue skies… and a total lack of snow. 

There was a slightly awkward atmosphere over breakfast as the bees eyed all Wilson's emergency stocks on the work top. They both shuffled uncomfortably from foot to foot for a minute, nudging each other, before Polly finally said, 'So… no snow after all! My premonition was probably a touch of rheumatism.'

'Rheumatism…' Billi echoed. 'We're martyrs to it. Both of us.'

Wilson cut them off, cheerfully assuring both bees that it was an honest mistake, and pointing out that if we did have any snow later on, at least we were well ready for it.

'Anyway,' he declared, 'since we were all prepared to be snowed-in today I don't think we should waste it. I therefore declare today to be a Snow Day!'

This was received with cheering!

Stockpiling

The bees arrived during breakfast, grim-faced, and announced that snow was on the way. 

I glanced outside at the clear blue sky and asked them how sure they were. 

'We can feel it in our tegulae,' they replied in unison. 'That's a  sure sign,' Polly added, 'So we're certain!'

'The thing is,' Billi began, 'if we get snowed in until next month we won't have enough honey to do our Blog Recipe, so we were wondering whether Wilson could pop into the village and buy us a couple of kilo jars?'

Wilson was already looking alarmed at the thought of being without supplies for almost a month and was out the door before I could stop him.

'I'll just buy the essentials!' he called back to me as he left the house.

Now we have sufficient honey to survive being cut off for many months. 

Also ample Cheesy Wotsits. 

And Wine. 

And Gin. 

All the 'essentials' in fact...

Game Theory

When the cards were dealt into two piles, Wilson turned his top card and placed it face-up on the table. He nodded to me, so I did the same. Both cards bore an identical picture of an ant, and I automatically started to shout, 'Sna…' before W silenced me with a look.

'That's the difference between Snap! and pANTS! you see, New Dad — if the cards are the same, you say nothing.'

We continued to take turns placing the cards on the table until W suddenly shouted, 'pANTS!' so loudly and unexpectedly that I dropped the rest of my cards.

'When the two top cards are different,' he explained, scooping up all the cards in play, 'That's when you call!'

'Both cards look the same to me!' I protested. 

'Ahhh,' he replied, 'That's because you don't really know ants like I do!' He indicated a minute difference in the abdomens of each ant. 'Pavement ant… Argentine ant. Very similar, to a beginner. I win!'

He turned another card, and the game continued…

Presentation time

Messages of support for Wilson's and for the bees' Blogs have been arriving in about equal quantities, so everyone is quite happy and the atmosphere in the house has lifted perceptibly.

Today is the day Wilson has planned to make a presentation to me about his new pANTS! card game. He sat me down in the kitchen and showed me a dummy of the box, then produced a deck of cards. 

I turned over the top card and wasn't surprised to see a picture of an ant on it.

'Okay,' I asked him, 'how do you play this game that's "Taking the world by storm"?'

He started to deal the cards...

Troubled times...

Since the bees posted their first Blog yesterday, an air of unease has descended on the house; the angst is almost palpable!

Polly and Billi are afraid their blog might not have been popular and no-one is interested in what bees have to say. 

Wilson, on the other hand, is fearful that readers might be more interested in the bees' affairs and opinions than in his own!

The are all sitting silently in the living room constantly checking their readership numbers and feedback. 

If you have anything positive to say either to the bees or W, I know they'd appreciate it!

Welcome to The Bees First Blog!

It's the first of the month so the bees, Polly and Billi, have joined me in the kitchen to write their first proper blog! Neither of them is very good at typing, so they're going to dictate it to me and I shall Blog it for them. Here goes, then…

Hello! Hello! We are Polly and Billi, Wilson's bees, and this is our Blog!

Oh dear, perhaps we haven't thought this through properly, I don't know what to say… I know, we'll tell you some bee jokes. Bees have a wonderful sense of humour, we're well known for it!

Polly: What Bee is good for your health?

Billi: I don't know, what Bee is good for your health?

Polly: Vitamin Bee! 

[Giggling in unison]

But enough fun, we would like now to send a very serious message to you all now: Be Nice!

[Billi whispers: 'BEE nice!' there is a lot more giggling]

Anyway, next time we're going to give you some cookery tips and recipes, so you might want to buy some nice honey before then!

I've been Polly!

And I've been Billi!

And we'll see you again this time next month!

The regular Wonderful World of Wilson Blog will return tomorrow. With any luck!