TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

'Ere it be a laarst!

Talk like a gentleman o' fortune day be an important date in any anteater's calendarrr – a'more so fer Pastafarian anteaters – so today marks the culmination o' much preparation!

 

Nërp an' th' bees be a-joinin' in this here year, although I be not entirely certain Pirate Nërp fully understood the dress code orders.

 

Whatever, 'e be most useful fer translatin' the odd piratical phrase aft into Lubber Talk… unless 'e 'as too much grog, when 'is senses sink t' th briny deep an' e be as smart as a barrel o' bilge!

 

Enjoy yersen on this most propitious o' days, keep yer Cutlass sharp an' yer powder dry me boyos!

 

Now Splice th' Mainbrace an' be quick about it!

—

🏴‍☠️ It's always struck me as odd that the "Pirates of the Caribbean" DVD had a piracy warning – Yarrr!

 

 

STRANGE NOTE

This morning I discovered what I can only describe as a warning note magnetted to the fridge door.

The note advised me that unless I talked like a pirate tomorrow – International Talk Like A Pirate Day – nobody would understand what I was talking about.

 

I take this to mean that Wilson will pretend not to know what I'm talking about, but in order to enter into the spirit of the event I shall dig out my Pirate-English-Pirate Translation Dictionary and do my best…

 

In place of the original message I left a note asking whether Nërp could possibly repair the fridge door now the heatwave has passed.

 

Only one sleep to go until the Big Day: unless you're an anteater, of course, in which case there's about seven – anteaters do sleep a lot – it's Nature's Way of keeping them out of mischief!

 

ALSO: by staying up very late last night, Wilson has just managed to design a free Pirate Mask for you to wear tomorrow on Talk Like A Pirate Day!

—

🏴‍☠️ A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: “They’re benign.” The pirate replies: “no, no doc, there be 11. I counted 'em before I came here.” – Yarrr!

 

 

 

CUT-OUT PIRATE FIGURE

You might be wondering why Talk Like A Pirate Day seems like such a big deal to Wilson and Byron. 

I don't fully understand the reasons, but for anteaters it is second only to Xmas in the calendar of celebrations, and it is particularly significant to Pastafarians – so for Pastafarian Anteaters you can imagine the anticipation and excitement involved! 

In keeping with the spirit of the day, here's something to decorate your Mess Room while you're having dinner on TLaP day.  

— 

In other news, the Blog was nine years old yesterday – Happy Birthday, Blog! Help it celebrate by telling all your friends about it: https://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/

FREE CAR WINDOW STICKER

Wilson has asked me to point out that these car window or bumper stickers have accidentally been printed on a rare pirate treasure map, so please don't throw them away – but don't go searching for the treasure without him!

—

🏴‍☠️ What happened when Bluebeard the Pirate fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned –Yarrr!

 

 

PRINTABLE PIRATE BEER MATS

Aha – I know what's been going on!

 

It's only a few days until International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and yesterday the would-be Pirates were busy printing Pirate Merchandise!

 

Apparently the printer has run out of ink, so here is a sheet of beer mats or drinks coasters for you to print out yourself – using YOUR printer ink instead of MINE! 

 

They'll come in handy if you happen to spill a drop of Grog – or Blood – come Talk Like a Pirate Day!

 

 

CLANDESTINE ACTIVITY

After the tension of yesterday's confrontation with Andrew, I was really looking forward to a hearty breakfast this morning… but I have been locked out of the dining room!

In other news, I can't find Wilson, Byron or Nërp.

 

Even Jīqìrén is not in her customary place slumped in front of the tv watching cartoons.

 

I can hear movement and low voices in the dining room, and the printer sounds as though it's on overdrive.

 

The sTone Brothers have been posted outside the door to repel intruders, but even they won't tell me what's occurring.

 

Something is definitely going on – but in the meantime, I suppose I shall have to eat in the kitchen…

 

 

VERDICT

Nobody was looking forward to telling Andrew the outcome of yesterday's Family Meeting.

When the time came to break the news, Wilson grew visibly nervous, putting on a protective anorak and a hard hat before venturing outside to confront the bird.

 

Dave the Pig accompanied him in his role of Guard Piglet, although I think he'd have preferred not to be there, and all the insects and younger toys wisely remained indoors for their own safety.

 

I think Andrew may have guessed which way the decision had gone, as he belligerently strutted out to confront Wilson – the new sign on the beach hut door might have been a clue. 

 

He strode up to Wilson and began to Guilt Trip him, reminding him of what mates they'd been back in the day.

 

Byron tried a conciliatory approach, holding out the lunch box and explaining, 'We prepared this for you so you're not hungry on your trip.'

 

Andrew strode aggressively over to where Byron had placed the box and fluttered up to grasp the handle.

 

After a moment's vigorous flapping, he announced, 'I can't lift it, I'm too weak from malnourishment. What have you put in it anyway – lead weights?'

 

Byron replied that it was full of Cheesy Wotsits, and some Honey Sandwiches from Polly.

 

Andrew grudgingly conceded that he might just give it a once-over if anyone could be bothered to undo the catch for him.

 

An hour later, after Andrew had departed – leaving behind nothing but an empty lunch box, a bad atmosphere and a small pile of guano – Wilson announced cheerfully, 'Well, that didn't go too badly; at least nobody was maimed or lost an eye…'

 

 

FAMILY MEETING

Wilson has called everyone to his library for a Family Meeting to discuss Andrew's offer to provide Environmental Atmospheric Services for the artificial beach.

 

He kicked off the discussion by reading out the list of services Andrew had promised to supply; when he reached the bit about 'attacking small animals' several of the smaller toys visibly blanched, and TT and Pterry both burst into tears.

 

He then held aloft a printed metal sign reading, 'Do not feed the seagulls' which went on to list some of their many faults. 

 

'No offence intended, Uncle Z, but it would be like living with a 2½kg hornet with kleptomania and anger control issues!'

 

'None taken, dear boy,' Uncle Z replied, preening himself.

 

After a few minutes of lively discussion – notable mostly for Diesel laboriously trying to ask whether seagulls ate fish (Nërp was able to confirm that fish was in fact the gull's food of choice) – a vote was taken.

 

After the count the verdict was declared to be Unanimous – although there was some concern that all the insects had voted six times each, by raising all their legs in the air…

 

Polly then made a statement to the effect that she did feel some sympathy for Andrew, suggesting that perhaps a Packed Lunch could be prepared for him before he left.

 

ANDREW MAKES A DEAL

Wilson was sitting in the garden quietly enjoying the last of the sun and trying to contact his Inner Spirit Anteater, when he was rudely interrupted by the arrival of Andrew, the troublesome seagull.

Addressing Wilson, he asked, 'Wotcher mate – alright? Look, I know we've had our differences in the past, but I've got a proposition for you!'

 

Before Wilson could reply, he continued, 'You've got a good thing going here with your artificial sea shore and your little beach hut – I can see it must be a nice little earner for you – but there's something missing! Do you know what it is? I'll tell you: AMBIENCE! You've got a serious ambience shortfall… and that's where I come in!'

 

While Andrew paused for breath, Wilson managed to ask, 'Ambience Shortfall? What are you talking about?'

 

The gull immediately replied, 'Well, your seaside sound effects are all right, as far as they go, I suppose, but what does everybody remember about a day at the beach?'

 

Without waiting for a reply, he continued, 'Seagulls! The quintessential seaside experience depends on seagulls! For a trivial consideration I, Andrew the Seagull, will provide a Total Seaside Ambience including (but not limited to):

• flying around, including wheeling, swooping and hovering

• screeching

• stealing chips

• stealing ice-creams

• liberal guano distribution

• littering

and last but not least

• attacking small animals

Whaddya say? You can't refuse, can you?'

 

Wilson asked the bird what fee he would require for providing this service, and Andrew replied, 'You let me live in the beach hut, and you feed me – it's a snip, no? I'm no trouble – you can't afford to say no!'

 

Wilson told him he'd think about it, but he'd need to discuss the matter with the rest of the family before he could reach a decision…

 

 

Ant Wars 2: GUIDE TO INNER GROWTH

Here is the first chapter of my new book, Contacting Your Spirit Anteater, free of charge for my closest friends:

❝Close your eyes* and Centre yourself… take a deep Anteater breath, breathe into your heart… feel your heart expand, and breathe out of your Third Eye…

Feel a Ball of Light moving through your Third Eye…

Surround yourself with a Ball of Pure White Light, sparkling like diamond ants, connecting you to the Anteater Frequency… you are now attuned to the Anteater Realm…

You may sense, feel, imagine or even know your anteater is standing in front of you – reach out and touch it! Tickle it behind its ears, it will like that… ask it its name, it may answer you telepathically… rest peacefully with your anteater, feeling and absorbing its love and friendship…

Open your eyes and know that – whether you sensed it or not – your Spirit Anteater is now with you…

Now open your eyes.❞

—
* Closing your eyes does make reading the book more difficult – maybe you could get someone to help by reading it to you.
If the book sells well I might bring out an audio version on cassette – do people still use cassettes?
 

 

CONTACT YOUR SPIRIT ANTEATER

Yesterday Wilson was watching some daytime tv and saw an item about a woman who had written several books about 'Contacting Your Inner Angel'.

Perhaps because her sales have slumped – or maybe she was just curious about the gullibility of her readers – she has now written a book about Contacting Your Spirit Unicorn.

 

Wilson immediately ran to his study and has now started work on his new book, working title: 'Contact Your Spirit Anteater'.

 

He is consulting with Literary Agent Antony and Publicist TT, (and assisted by Pterry who still can't be left alone without bursting into tears – which is apparently not at all conducive to writing a Major Spiritual Handbook).

 

As Wilson pointed out to Antony, 'In the words of the Great P T Barnum, "No man ever went broke overestimating the ignorance of the public!"!'

 

Oh dear – I hope we don't get any complaints from Angel enthusiasts… or Unicorns!

 

 

ANDREW RETURNS

During breakfast, we heard a disturbance in the garden.

Wilson went out to investigate, and found Andrew the Seagull perched on top of the beach hut. 

 

As soon as he saw Wilson, he shouted down, 'This is a nice gaff – what about me moving in?'

 

'Oh,' W replied, playing for time, 'How are you Andrew? How was the Sewage Farm?'

 

'Rubbish!' the bird replied, 'Complete lack of fish heads. I should have stayed in Weston – coming here was a total waste of Air Miles!'

 

Thinking quickly, Wilson called back, 'Today is Dustbin Collection Day, so why don't you fly around and see what you can find – follow the Bin Truck for a bit – there's "Pickins for All!" as they say in Weston…' 

 

 

TT's XMAS COMEDY SHOW

After seven months in lockdown, everyone is getting restless.

The air of ennui and resignation has been replaced with an atmosphere of rebellion – perhaps even of mutiny – ever since the Xmas Demonstration on August Bank Holiday!

 

Wilson noticed it too, and has had a word with Antony, who in turn has spoken to Tiny Toy, and it's been agreed that TT should give a special Xmas Comedy Show to relieve the tension – please note this does NOT mean Xmas will be held even a single day before 25 December!

❝ Hello, good evening, and welcome to the TT Xmas Comedy Show – I am Tiny Toy, and this is my Xmas Comedy Show BlogCast!

What happens to elves when they're naughty? Santa gives them the sack.

What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap.

What is a snowman's favorite breakfast? Ice Crispies.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party? He had no-body to go with.

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A Mince Spy!

What says 'Oh Oh Oh'? Santa walking backwards!

What do you call a greedy elf? Elfish.

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Can you smell carrot?

Whats the best Christmas Present? A broken drum – you just can't beat it.

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners? Rude-olph!

Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho, ho, ho.

What do you get if you combine Santa and a duck? A Christmas Quacker!

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Iceburgers!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!

What is a skunks favourite Christmas song? Jingle smells!

Thank you, thank you, you're very kind.

My time's nearly up, but before I go, let me ask you a serious question: Why did the turkey cross the road?

Becase the chicken was on holiday!

I must go now, because I'm wanted by the Joke Police for that last joke!

I've been Tiny Toy and I hope you've been a wonderful audience – Happy Xmas! ❞

 

FIRE STATION OPEN DAY

Following Andrea's extraordinary revelations about Mrs V, Wilson and Byron spent most of yesterday brooding about how different their lives would have been, had not they been betrayed by fate – how they would have been living in Costa Rica, in a grand house with many servants and probably girlfriends…

I clearly needed to snap them out of their dejected and melancholic mood, so I took the whole family to see the Uckfield Fire Station!

 

Each year the Fire Station holds an Open Day, when visitors can meet the firefighters, climb all over the fire engines etc, but for various reasons (usually because we've been away on holiday at the time) Wilson has never attended one.

 

Because of the pandemic there won't be any Open Day this year, so I've done the next best thing and taken everyone to see The Old Fire Station.

 

Since the new fire station was built next to Tesco, The Old Fire Station has been converted into living accommodation, and of course we can't just knock on the door and ask to be shown round, so we just stood outside and looked at it.

 

Admittedly it wasn't quite as thrilling as sliding down the fireman's pole and working the Blues-&-Two's, but after so long in lockdown, just leaving the house was quite exciting!

 

 

Ant Wars 2: ANDREA'S SHOCKING REVELATION

It seems that following the discovery of the photo of her mother, Mrs V, Andrea was trying to uncover some of her family history.

 

At first Mrs V was taciturn, but eventually she turned to face Andrea and said, 'Oh well, you're not a child any more – I suppose you deserve to know the truth…'

After gathering her thoughts for a few moments, she began: 

 

'Your life was not supposed to be like this, my dear. You were not destined for a life of drudgery and childbearing in a zoo conservation project, for you are the child of Nobility!'

She continued, 'I was born of a Patrician family – one of Costa Rica's finest! When my family moved to England I was even presented at Court as a Debutante!'

Rummaging in her handbag, she produced a photograph (reproduced below) of herself taken at the Deb's Ball as she was presented to Queen Charlotte's Birthday Cake [don't even ask what that's all about!].

She paused to dab at her eyes with a Kleenex before resuming her sorry tale:

'At the Debutante's Ball I met the most wonderful and handsome boy – he was a real Boar, and he quite swept me off my paws! He met my family and we became betrothed… it was like a fairy tale!'

Mrs V had to pause, her shoulders shaking with emotion, before she could continue: 'But after the wedding he revealed his true nature. He spent all night gambling and fornicating with sows of easy virtue in nightclubs; he made many unwise investments, and eventually even persuaded my dear father to invest in Coffee Futures, promising to multiply his investment tenfold!'

Another pause ensued before she could pick up the sorry tale: 'When the Great Coffee Crash came, we were wiped out! My father lost all his money and the family was in ruination!'

Andrea asked, 'So what became of your husband… my father?'

'Husband?' Mrs V. spat the word like an oath. 'My so-called "husband" deserted me, leaving me with a cub to bring up on my own, and left the country. Neither I nor my family ever heard from him again. He is dead to me!

'I was alone in the world with you, Andrea, the sweetest anteater cub in the world, and the only way to survive was to move to the zoo – the only home you remember – and accept their charity.

'I have never spoken of this before, partly because my foolishness and naïveté pains me, but mostly because I didn't want you or the rest of my family know what they have lost! Dear Boo [Wilson] for instance is desperately trying to earn £1million to try to restore us to our lost grandeur, and even he doesn't know why…'

 

Mrs V lapsed into silence while Andrea tried to comfort her.

—

There will be no post tomorrow, to give everyone a chance to come to terms with this most unexpected revelation!