Wilson is exhausted what with running Radio W non-stop for over a week then putting up the Xmas Lights yesterday, and last night — during the 9pm 'Late, Late Show' — he dozed off at the mic.
I carried him gently to the Tumble Dryer to catch up on his sleep.
He roused himself briefly to tell me that the answer to yesterday's Chase question is 'The M26 is the shortest, at only 15.9km,' then he relapsed into a deep, deep sleep.
I don't think he'll be in any fit state to set Chase questions or play records until tomorrow at the earliest...
The start of December is the time when Wilson puts up our outdoor Xmas lights.
Rather against his better judgement, he has left The Bees and Uncle Zoltan running the Afternoon Show on Wonderful Radio W, having given strict instructions to Uncle Z NOT to play ANY Hungarian folk music.
From the top of the ladder, apropos nothing at all, Wilson suddenly shouted down to ask another of his potential Chase questions:
'New Dad — which of these Motorways is the shortest?
A: M25
B: M26
C: M27'
Trying to sound confident, I called back to him, 'C — the M27!'
On hearing this W smirked and almost dropped his screwdriver, so I imagine I've got this one wrong too. It was only a shot in the dark, as they all seem infinitely long when you're stuck in traffic on them.
As soon as the lights were to W's satisfaction (and you might be surprised by how long that took to achieve) we went indoors to warm up with a mince pie and a mug of hot chocolate with brandy and marshmallows.
Oh, and ants. Obviously.
Hello — we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Yesterday we popped up to IKEA for a few things to brighten up our bedroom. Once we'd chosen some furniture we entered the Market Place area... and we made quite a few impulse purchases!
We bought a couple of glass jars for storing our honey, but then we couldn't resist a can of Swedish Cider for Wilson and some Daim Bars for the children.
What do you think of us in our Viking Warrior and Swedish Maiden headbands? The nice people at IKEA just gave them to us!
We also brought back some free IKEA pencils and tape measures for Wilson because, being a boy, he likes that sort of thing.
If you're stuck for an Xmas present for a loved one (or even someone you don't love but just quite like) remember that Honey and Royal Jelly both make a very welcome gift, and every jar sold benefits bees. 😀🎄
Anyway, we won't be blogging again this year, so we'd like to wish you all a Very Happy Xmas!
We'll see you again in January — until then, BEEEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
The Mayor's secretary has replied to Wilson, thanking him for his offer but explaining they usually use Time Switches to turn the Xmas lights on and off.
Wilson took this news pretty well, considering he'd set his heart on being the Guest Celebrity Uckfield Xmas Lights Turner-On.
He shrugged philosophically and announced that he's had another brilliant and potentially lucrative idea. He intends to develop this while the records are playing on Radio W — time which, he says, would otherwise be wasted.
He sent the Studio Runner (Antony) out for his 'Good Ideas' notebook and a pencil, and Assistant Studio Runner (Tiny Toy) for refreshments.
TT returned with a plate of Empire Biscuits — Wilson had never heard of these before, but after one bite declared them to be 'The Best — almost better than ants!'
Antony has not yet reappeared...
___________
Tomorrow, being the first of the month, it is The Bees turn to blog.
Okay, Radio V has been rebranded. Again. It's now RADIO W.
The bees are in the
studio singing a jingle, overseen by Studio Manager Uncle Z — Wilson was
too scared of being stung not to give him a good job.
While Polly and Billi are singing quite a catchy (if rather Buzzy) background tune, Wilson accompanies them on kazoo and spoons.
Suddenly he breaks
off to intone the station message in a voice as close as he can get to
Morgan Freeman's (which honestly isn't very close):
'🎶🎶 You'll Get Double the Music and Double the Fun with Radio Dubbleyou! 🎶🎶'
In between records he's advertising his range of ODDSIES! socks, and his various Card Games, all of which will allegedly make first-class Xmas Presents.
I have been allowed (albeit a bit grudgingly — the sTone Brothers take their Security duties VERY seriously) into the Radio Vermilingua Studio for the launch party.
Although it's apparently no longer called that — it's now Radio V, because it's easier to say and remember, and uses fewer characters when people Tweet about it.
So far, he's played a lot of Bob Dylan, a lot of Leonard Cohen and his own record, (Don't Make Me Be) This Machine [available on YouTube, if you haven't seen his music video] is on heavy rotation — ie it's every third record he plays.
At the very least, this should provide some competition for Uckfield FM!
We usually keep the car radio tuned to BBC Radio 2 or BBC Six Music, both of which are mercifully free from advertising, but lately W has been listening to Radio-X, a commercial station.
I fear this may have given him an idea to start his own radio station — possibly so he can put his favourite songs on heavy rotation and also advertise his products and services free-of-charge.
I have no idea how he intends to broadcast his station, nor what his target demographic could conceivably be — probably other anteaters who like Peter Dawson records...
While I'm not 100% certain about the Radio Station, the clues are there — the sTone Brothers standing security, the red light, the sign on the door, the queue of auditionees...
And I've a nasty feeling W has been spray-stencilling on the wall...
What with Ms Julia's wedding being so imminent, Wilson insisted on visiting the Wedding Shop in the village to buy some special wedding shoes.
Since all he will be wearing for the occasion will be wedding shoes and a bow tie, the shoes are pretty important!
Having been shown by an assistant to the 'wedding shoes' display, he whispered to me that he was quite surprised by their appearance... but once he'd tried them on he declared them to be 'Well comfy!'
As we drove back through the village, we saw some workmen putting up the Xmas Lights, so it shouldn't be long before W hears from the Mayor's Office about his offer to switch them on.
This morning, Wilson had another question for me.
'Which of these well-known species of ants is the largest?' he asked.
A: Big Headed Ant
B: Caribbean Crazy Ant
C: Bullet Ant
I had no idea of the correct answer, but the Big Headed Ant sounded quite big, so I replied, 'A — the Big Headed Ant!'
W shook his head in a patronising way, observing, 'You really don't have any idea about ants, do you, New Dad? The Big Headed ant's only about 7mm long, whereas the Bullet Ant can be up to 30mm!'
'But you said "C" was always the joke answer!' I protested.
'I think you'll find I said "almost always",' he replied.
'Next question,' he continued, 'when are we going on our holiday to Weston Super Market?'
I think I know the answer to this one, so I said 'Xmas won't be long, and Ms Julia's Wedding is barely four weeks away — I don't think there's time to fit in a holiday this year...'
Wilson looked stricken and, clapping his paw to his head repeated, 'Only FOUR WEEKS? But I have so much yet to do before the wedding!'
Perhaps formulating Quiz Questions can go on the back burner for a little while now — I hope so, because they're making me feel pretty ignorant...
'Okay, New Dad,' Wilson repeated, 'To go through with seven thousand pounds, which of these books did William Golding famously write?
'A: Lord Of The Ants,
'B: Lord Of The Flies, or
'C: Lord Of The Spiders?'
After a few moments he said urgently, 'Need an answer!' and in my panic, in spite of knowing the correct answer, I shouted, 'C!'
'You've chosen "C" — Gotta be, innit? All day long! Do you know this, or was it a guess?
I shook my head.
'Let's see. Is William Golding famous for writing "Lord Of The Spiders"? — NO! The correct answer is "B". Elementary error there, New Dad: "C" is almost always the joke answer.'
Actually though, that wasn't such a bad question for The Chase — perhaps Wilson is on to something here...
_________
Wilson will pose another question on Wednesday...
As Hurricane Angus swept across Southern England, Wilson emerged from his bedroom/study [AKA the tumbledryer] to check for storm damage.
In the garden he surveyed a scene of what he later described as 'utter devastation' and gravely intoned, 'This looks like an insurance job, for certain!'
After lunch, he sat with me in the living room to try out some of his 'Chase' questions on me for 'difficultness' before submitting them to The Chase.
'Okay, New Dad, you've got to imagine I'm Mr Bradley Walsh!' He squinted with one eye to simulate poor Bradley's conjunctivitis, and asked, 'To go out with seven thousand pounds, which of these books is William Golding famous for writing?
'A: Lord Of The Ants,
'B: Lord Of The Flies, or
'C: Lord Of The Spiders?'
To be continued...
Wilson is a bit grumpy today, as he hasn't been invited to Ms Julia's 80s-themed Hen Night — he thinks as Best Man it is his duty to be there, and had laid out his Adam Ant costume in expectation of receiving a last-minute invitation.
Over breakfast today Wilson confessed that he'd made no progress in writing jokes about the 'Chasers' for the tv quiz show, and had decided instead to sell questions to Potato, the production company that makes The Chase.
He spent a long time ferrying all his Encyclopaedia Britannica volumes in from his 'museum' and stacking them in front of the tumble dryer, to which he has retired to 'study'.
I suspect The Chase's production department is about to be inundated with questions about and relating to... well, ants, but least while he's reading his encyclopaedias he's not reading that troublesome copy of New Scientist.
I'd take it away from him, but when he's not reading it he hides it from me, knowing I don't like him reading that particular issue.
Our conversation over breakfast was mostly about a new method of rousing people trapped in a Minimally Conscious State. So far, so good — he's still only on page 12.
Later, Wilson replied to the Mayor's Office, stating explicitly that he would be available for the Grand Xmas Street Lights Turn-On Ceremony, should his services be required.
Assuming a favourable reply (you can't say he's not an optimist!) he retrieved his medal from the fridge, taped it to his chest and went into the living room to rehearse the Big Turn On, as he calls it.
'Fellow Uckfieldians!' he declaimed loudly, 'Or perhaps Uckfielders! I don't even know, but probably one or the other! Welcome to the Uckfield 2016 Xmas Lights Big Turn On! It is with ginormous pleasure that I declare these lights... Turned On!'
With that, while Polly and Billi the Bees applauded enthusiastically, Wilson stretched out his paw to turn on the living room lights.
The switch was just beyond his reach, and he toppled off his podium onto the floor.
Happily only his pride was hurt, and as he gathered himself up he remarked, 'I hope the real switch is a bit lower than that...'
This morning the postman brought a letter bearing the Seal of the Mayor of Uckfield and addressed to Wilson.
He carried it into the living room, opened it carefully and read it in silence.
Twice.
It didn't help that Uncle Zoltan was reading it over his shoulder and began to snigger.
'What does it say, then?' I asked.
'It's not even really from the Mayor!' Uncle Z jeered.
W replied despondently, 'Well, it's from one of her secretaries, and she says the Mayor is quite interested in having a celebrity to switch on the street decorations.'
'That sounds encouraging,' I said.
'But it goes on to ask whether I know any celebrities who might be willing to do it!'
Uncle Z burst out, 'Hahaha! THEY know you're not a celebrity, my boy — talk about illusions of grandeur!'
'Well,' I replied, 'I'd just ignore that and write a nice letter saying that YOU would be willing to turn on the lights for them if they'd like. And remind them that you do have the Freedom of Uckfield — if that doesn't make you a celebrity, I don't know what does.'
Wilson agreed, 'That's exactly what I'm going to do.'
Uncle Z unhelpfully added, 'I'd start the letter with "Don't you know who I am?"'
Late last night Wilson went out into the garden to observe the Supermoon — apparently the moon would be closer to the Earth, and appear brighter and bigger, than at any time since 1948.
This is not the sort of event W likes to miss so, equipped with a mug of hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows) and a lantern he went outside to observe this lunar phenomenon.
When he came back inside I enquired, 'So how was the moon — was it super?'
'Hmmm...' he replied, 'It was okay, but I think "super" would be to overstate it, honestly.'
Collapsing onto the sofa, he continued, 'But while I was out there, in the dark, contemplating this disappointing extraterrestrial occurrence, I had an idea!'
My heart sank a tiny bit at this news, but I did my best to control my features.
'I shall re-launch my range of "ODDSIES!" Non-Matching Socks, but this time in a limited "Pro HD" edition! I'll do it In time for the Xmas shopping bonanza.'
I have no idea what HD socks are, and I'm not about to ask — I shall doubtless find out in the fullness of time...
Breakfast conversation this morning touched on Google's race to build a world-beating Quantum Computer, and the risks posed by solar flares to our nearest Earth-like planet, Proxima b — meaning that Wilson still hasn't reached the New Scientist Metaphysics feature. Thank goodness.
Having been disappointed in his bid to cut the ribbon when the High Street was re-opened, and not being invited to open the Allsorts Christmas Shop, Wilson has written to the Mayor enquiring whether she'd like a Local Celebrity to switch on the Uckfield Xmas Illuminations.
W was on quite good terms with John Carvey, one of Uckfield's previous mayors, but he's never met the new Mayor, Ms Louise Eastwood, so he's very keen to make a good first impression. To this end, he's asked Antony to proof-read his email for grammatical and spelling errors.
OMG — I've just noticed that while W fine-tunes his email, Antony is passing the time by reading the New Scientist Metaphysics Special Edition! I don't know what I'll do if HE starts to display 'Reality Problems' — I imagine psychiatrists for soft toys must be very difficult to find... and probably expensive too!
Wilson has just seen the new John Lewis Xmas Advert, and he's not happy.
He complained bitterly about the lack of anteaters in advertising, but conceded that the presence of a cute badger might help in its battle against being culled.
'PLEASE tell me this one didn't cost £7M like last year's!' he exclaimed.
Wilson — a seasoned film-maker — proceeded to explain in some detail how he would have made it for £1M plus snacks, AND included his friend @I_am_badger in the trampolining scenes...
As I predicted, Wilson has left the TrumpCave and returned to the house, having run out of Cheesy Wotsits and Ant Gin.
He almost ran out of oxygen too, and had been forced to tell his fellow-evacuees Antony and Tiny Toy to breathe more slowly.
I can judge from his breakfast conversations how far he's progressed in the New Scientist Metaphysics Special Edition. This morning he's mentioned Coal, Elephants, SETI, Mars and NASA's Juno Probe to Jupiter, so he's still reading the Upfront and 60 Seconds sections.
He's had no luck making up Chaser jokes — I suggested he has a word with the Joke King, Tiny Toy...
______________
❤️ Both Wilson and I are enormously saddened by news of the death of poet, songwriter and singer Leonard Cohen. ❤️
🎶 "It seems so long ago, Nancy..." 🎶
Never knowingly off-trend, Wilson has gathered his family to take part in the Mannequin Challenge.
I'm not in the picture because, well, somebody's got to hold the camera.
I'm aware it's supposed to be a video, but I haven't worked out the video function on this camera yet — sorry! 😕
Wilson stayed awake all last night listening to coverage of the US Elections on the wireless.
By the time I came down to breakfast, I found a note on the kitchen table explaining that he had taken Antony and Tiny Toy with him to the Asteroid Shelter in the garden for safety, and requesting that I retrieve them all in four years time after the next election.
I'm not unduly worried about Wilson — I'm sure he'll be back in a couple of days once he runs out of supplies.
Trump, however, I am much more concerned about...
