Sleeping arrangements

Our room is very nice — bright with a lot of sunshine — although the suitcases do take up quite a lot of room.

As I think I've mentioned before, when travelling with Wilson I prefer a room with twin beds, although that isn't always possible. 

The problem with sharing a bed with W is that it's like sharing a bed with a cuddly doormat that fidgets and scratches constantly, snores loudly and gets up for snacks in the middle of the night. Sometimes I've ended up sleeping in an armchair out of desperation!

Once we'd unpacked (well, I unpacked — W tends to leave everything in his suitcases because he almost certainly won't need any of it) we headed off into the village in search of food… and adventure! 

A slight misunderstanding...

While I struggled with the cases, Wilson went through to Reception to book us in. 

Addressing the receptionist in a loud, slow voice, he said, 'Bonjour! Do… you… speak... English?' and without waiting for a reply presented his Business Card. 

The receptionist read aloud from it: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5, Pavement Ant' and handed it back. W blushed and exchanged it for one of his  Consulting Detective cards. 

Apologising for the confusion, he explained, 'That was one of my Wilson Vermilingua patent-pending "Name That Ant!" cards.'

The receptionist passed him our keys, and I started to carry the cases upstairs to our room.

Hotel Life

Wilson started to help me unpack the car, but after the first suitcase he said he'd come over 'a bit funny' and would have to have a sit down in the shade. 

I asked him if he was alright, but he disregarded my concern, saying that he was just unused to the 'rich foreign air.'

Happily, though, he felt well enough to give me a lot of advice on the best way to unpack heavy suitcases from a car…

Landfall at last!

The ferry started to dock but Wilson, glancing back over his shoulder, could still see Portsmouth on the mainland. 'Are you certain this is Abroad, New Dad?' he asked me, 'You don't think you've fallen victim to some internet-booking scam?'

I pointed to a roadside sign saying, 'Welcome to the Isle of Wight' which seemed to reassure him and we set off for the hotel.

Passing through a lovely little village, Wilson wound down the passenger window and cried out to some surprised pedestrians, 'Prepare yourself, Wight Island — I am amongst you!'

Turning to me he asked, 'Amongst? Among? I wouldn't like them to think me an illiterate buffoon!' 

I told him I was sure that was not what they'd be thinking.

Taking a deep breath, he remarked, 'This is the smell of Abroad, New Dad! You can feel its differentness, its foreign-ness, the spicy aromas of its strange Native Cuisine… Wonderful!'

The anteater stood on the burning deck / Whence all but he had fled...

After considering the Riddle of the Seven Wonders of the Isle of Wight for a little while, Wilson said he'd like to get some fresh air… though I think what he really wanted was to locate a life-belt and stand very close to it.

We went up to the top deck and he stood bravely by the rail, firmly clutching the bag with Antony and TT in it, pondering the depth of the water while watching the Portsmouth coast recede behind us as we approached the Ryde Ferry Terminal. 

Bon Voyage!

We made ourselves comfortable in the passenger area and waited for the boat to set sail.

Wilson, Antony and Tiny Toy all got very alarmed when the Captain's Safety Announcement started, so I popped Antony in the brown paper bag with TT to calm him down, then tried to distract Wilson.

I gave him a list of the Seven Wonders of the Isle of Wight to ponder over during the voyage. The Seven Wonders consist of: 

   •  LAKE where there is no water;

   •  NEEDLES that you cannot thread;

   •  RYDE where you walk;

   •  COWES you cannot milk;

   •  FRESHWATER you cannot drink;

   •  NEWPORT you cannot bottle; and

   •  NEWTOWN which is very old.

We're off!

We loaded all our suitcases into the car, climbed in and set off — for the Isle of Wight! Hurrah!

It wasn't long before we were driving onto the Isle of Wight Ferry. 

TT caused a bit of a drama by declaring himself seasick as soon as he saw the ship, so I popped him into a brown paper bag to calm him down. 

We parked up on the car deck without further incident and made our way to the passenger deck to find a good seat near the window...

Secret Rites…

Hello everybody, this is Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.

We know that today we were scheduled to tell you about The Birds, but quite honestly birds are dirty creatures and we don't think you'll really want to know about their disgusting habits, so instead we're going to tell you some more about Bees! Lovely! 

Today we're going to describe a Secret Rite carried out by bees which has never been seen by humans before — it's called 'Pollination'!

Wilson had been a bit concerned that his strawberry plant wasn't doing very well, so we offered to 'pollinate' it for him.

Now I'll admit that since Billi and I got married we have piled on the ounces, so flying is not as easy as it once was — this is why, in the photo, we're balancing on Wilson's head. That's Billi right on top, with the paintbrush, because she has the better head for heights. 

The paintbrush is an integral part of the 'pollination' ritual but its use is SO secret that I don't think we can reveal what it's used for.

Anyway, that is the Secret Rite of 'Pollination' explained — please keep this to yourselves or it won't be a secret any more, will it? 

We'll see you next month with more interesting Bee News when it's our turn to Guest Blog again. And remember to: BEE HAPPY!

Lovely!

WE HAVE A WINNER!

The correct answer, the unfortunately- (but accurately-) named Big-Headed Ant, was determined by Wilson's long-time friend and WV App Soc* member Ms Jan — to whom, hearty congratulations!

By now even the sTone Brothers had arrived, and Uncle Zoltan, who'd scuttled away to the bee hive, returned with a freshly-baked celebratory cup-cake!

Once every last crumb of cake had been consumed (and the paper container thoroughly licked out) Wilson toddled off to finish his packing for our departure on Monday, while Polly and Billi the Bees left to work on tomorrow's Guest Blog. 

This, they assure me, is going to be 'a bit special' as it will reveal a 'secret, never-before-seen rite'!

*https://www.facebook.com/groups/wilsonvermilinguaappreciation/

Excitement reaches fever pitch

Tiny Toy and Antony have now revealed the third section of the Name That Ant! card, yet still no-one has worked out the answer! The garden is literally buzzing with anticipation. Or that might just be the bees, in which case, the garden is metaphorically buzzing with anticipation. Whatever.

Uncle Zoltan says that if somebody doesn't guess the answer soon he will quite swoon away! 

I think he was being sarcastic, but Wilson took exception to his use of the word 'guess' insisting that Name That Ant! is a game of skill in which guessing played no part. 

He also pointed out that the ants climbing up the card are not part of the clue, merely part of his lunch that he hasn't got round to eating yet.

Please do get in touch if you think you know the solution — Wilson has packing to do for our holiday, and the Bees want to do their Guest Blog on Saturday!

Can you Name That Ant in TWO?

Due to his being distracted by some ants he'd found in the garden, Wilson forgot to give you the answer to this week's first card, which was: Ghost Ant. This was correctly guessed by Ms Viv Styles — CONGRATULATIONS!

Back to the new card, though, and TT has carefully withdrawn the card a little further so you can see a bit more of the picture; the clue, you remember, is 'This ant should practice some humility.' 

Have you worked it out yet?

Uncle Zoltan whispered loudly to Billi that if nobody had guessed the answer by Saturday, he expected Wilson would cancel the Bees' Blog! 

Billi scowled at Uncle Z, while Polly remarked that Wilson was an anteater of honour, and she was sure he wouldn't do that.

This, for some reason, made Uncle Z laugh, and he replied, 'Let's hope someone guesses the answer and we don't have to find out!'

W ignored all this, as he was just finishing up the last of his ants.

Can you Name ANOTHER Ant in one?

Wilson was quite shocked that his card had been correctly guessed so quickly — he says that you're all getting too good and he'll have to find some really hard ones for you next time.

This next card isn't 'really hard' though, as he had prepared it before he knew how clever you all were. The clue for this one is: This ant should practice some humility.

Wilson called Polly over to look after his medal and keep an eye on the children as he'd just found some ants and was a tiny bit distracted. 

Polly told me that she and Billi were extremely excited about their next Guest Blog on Saturday, as they'd thought of something special to talk about that you probably won't have seen before!

I for one can hardly wait...

Name That Ant: the rematch

Wilson tells me that many of his friends are anxious to play another round of his card game, Name That Ant! 

As a reward for Antony's and Tiny Toy's achievement yesterday, he is putting them in charge the card this time. He told me privately that he'd been afraid TT might pull out too much of the card at once, thus revealing the answer, so he made him practice several times until he could do it perfectly.

Antony held the envelope steady, TT carefully withdrew the card exposing the first section and Wilson sang the clue: 

"If there's something strange

In your neighbourhood

Who ya gonna call?

GHOSTBUSTERS!"

Can YOU Name That Ant in one?

If you can read this, thank a teacher!

'I'm just going to write to my Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, to tell her about my medal and our holiday on Wight Island!' Wilson announced. 'Then I'll get another game of Name That Ant! ready — some of my friends are very anxious for a rematch.'

'Actually, it's always called the Isle of Wight,' I corrected him, 'because...'

'Whatevs…' he replied, cutting me off. 

He had just picked up his medal and coffee mug (in separate paws, to protect his medal from the heat) when something caught his eye: Tiny Toy had picked up a crayon and was adding an entry to the Holiday List!

'Well, I never know he could do that!' W exclaimed.

'Oh, I taught him to read and write while you were busy doing things without us!' Antony proudly explained, adding, 'It can be very boring when you do things without us…' 

'My Bursting Heart Must Find Vent At My Pen!' Tiny Toy cried. 

Wow — hidden depths or what?!

Island Paradise

Wilson removed his medal from its box and examined it closely. 

'All your suggestions are excellent,' I said, 'but rather more costly than I'd hoped. What do you think of a holiday on the Isle of Wight?'

'The Isle of Wight?' he asked, 'I've never heard of it — is it abroad?'

'Oh, pretty much,' I replied, trying to sound casual rather than evasive. 'We'd get there by boat, they mostly speak English and we could take the car. It's a lot like Jersey…'

I waited anxiously for his response, but he seemed engrossed by his medal.

Polly arrived with a mug of coffee for him, and he asked her whether she'd ever heard of the Isle of Wight.

'Oh yes,' she said, 'it's lovely there!'

'Okay then,' he decided, 'The Isle of Wight it is!'

I turned to leave, but he called me back.

'New Dad, this medal seems to smell of, well... chocolate.'

'Oh yes,' I replied, 'it's not solid gold, it's chocolate on the inside. I wouldn't leave it lying in the sun.'

'I shall keep it in the fridge,' he said, 'when I'm not actually wearing it.'

Holiday plans

Wilson sat opposite me in the kitchen, gazing at his medal… but I've known him long enough to know he had something on his mind. I asked him what he was thinking, and he looked a little uncomfortable.

'Look, New Dad,' he started, 'My Medal, my BDC, is wonderful, and I feel really honoured…'

'But?' I encouraged him.

'But, you did promise me a holiday if my Report from the Digital Detox Clinic was good! And in many ways, it was good! Quite good.' he continued.

'You're right,' I agreed, 'I did promise that, and your Report was pretty good. Considering.'

'Well, I've made a list!' he said, pushing a note towards me.

I read it aloud. 'New York… Venice… Paris… Costa Rica…'

He nodded enthusiastically.

Acceptance speech

By the time the applause and cheering had died down, Wilson's cheeks were scarlet. 

He wiped his eyes with the backs of his paws, took a deep breath and said, in a voice choked with emotion, 'Thank you everybody — this is the best day of my life! Although I am still quite young, so I may experience even better days in the future, I don't even know.'

He thought for a few moments before continuing, 'This Medal, awarded to me for Extreme Bravery in Difficult Circumstances, which I shall call my BDC Medal, it means even more to me than my OBE (which The Queen has still not ratified) because it comes from my friends and family! That being so, I hereby revoke my OBE!'

His audience fell into a stunned silence. Uncle Zoltan coughed; his hat fell off, rolled across the table and fell to the floor.

'I shall return it to Buckingham Palace, if I can remember where I put it, and I shall henceforward be known as Wilson Vermilingua, BDC, nOBE!'

He sat down, still blushing, to more applause and everyone crowded round to congratulate him and get a closer look at his BDC medal.

A young anteater is honoured!

'Wilson,' I began, 'Since I have known you, you have had many business enterprises, projects, inventions, get-rich-quick schemes — call them what you will — and they have all failed! They have all failed dismally!'

Wilson hung his head and stared at his feet.

'But they have been magnificent failures, and you have put them behind you and tried again!' I continued. 'In the words of John Kennedy, "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly!" You have failed greatly, and having put those failures so successfully behind you and moved on, I believe that one day you will achieve your dream, you will fulfil the childhood promise you made to your Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, you will be a millionaire!'

Everyone clapped and cheered wildly. After a moment I held up my hand for quiet, before proceeding.

It is for this reason that your friends in the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society* and on Twitter** have asked me to present you with this, the Wilson Vermilingua Medal for Extreme Bravery in Difficult Circumstances!' 

At this point I pulled his medal out of my pocket and stuck it to his chest with masking tape.

There was more tumultuous applause and calls of 'Speech! Speech!'

* https://www.facebook.com/groups/wilsonvermilinguaappreciation/

** @WVermilingua

A sense of anticipation!

I gathered the entire household together in the living room, in preparation for presenting Wilson with Something Special. There was a great sense of excitement — or ANTicipation, as Wilson put it with a nervous giggle. 

The major topics of discussion were, 'Why is the TV switched off?' and 'Who's in trouble?' but I tried to allay any anxiety by my naturally cheerful and sunny disposition. 

Ha ha — okay, that bit's a joke!

Anyway, once everyone had settled down, I asked Wilson to come to the front of the room. 

Uncle Zoltan, who was standing perilously close to a can of Fly Spray, whispered loudly to W, 'Hah! Now you're for it my boy, and not a moment too soon!'

________

In case you don't know, you can support Wilson by joining the TOTALLY FREE Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society — he'd love that!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/wilsonvermilinguaappreciation/

A bit of a disappointment…

Wilson has just shown me the fruits of his labours: he held up a crispy, drooping and somewhat garishly-coloured twig that had once possibly been a rose.

'What do you think, New Dad?' he asked morosely.

'What do you think?' I returned, playing it safe.

'Well… it's not as good as I'd hoped,' he confessed with a sigh.

I asked him, 'What about all the other flowers you painted?' and he told be that all the petals had fallen off them while he was shaking them about to remove the smell of acetone paint.

I consoled him that it had been a brilliant and ground-breaking idea, let down by the current state of technology.

He smiled bravely, then asked whether I'd like him to get rid of the paint-marks all over the lawn by spraying the whole garden green? 

I replied that it might be best to just let it all grow out… but that I thought I had something which might cheer him up...

Remember you can join in the conversation and chat with Wilson over at Twitter: @WVermilingua