Ghost Train

Some of you might remember Wilson's ill-fated 'Haunted Tours of Uckfield' which had to be cancelled at the last minute due to his fear of darkness and the supernatural. Emboldened by his recent success in facing his fear of water on the Canoe Ride, he has decided to confront his other terror by riding on the Ghost Train. Alone.

He purchased his ticket and took a seat in one of the cars. 

Nothing happened for a moment — then with a spine-chilling scream the ride burst into life and Wilson, gripping the hand-rail tightly, was borne away to face his demons in the unknown interior depths… 

Wilson tests his skill

Next stop on the pier was a booth where you could win toys by throwing darts. To win a toy you needed to score over 45, which Wilson whispered to me would be 'Pathetically easy!' 

As it turned out, it wasn't pathetically easy even to strike the dart board, and after a couple of turns W declared that darts was much harder than it looked on TV, where overweight drunken men somehow contrived to make it look simpler than it actually was.

I offered to buy him one of the toys, but W said that if he couldn't win it fair and square he'd rather go without.

The stall operator offered to sell us some of the Hello Kitty toys damaged by W's darts at half price, but W remained resolute. 

Before we left, though, Wilson handed the man one of his Consulting Detective cards, telling him not to hesitate to contact him should the need arise…

Bravery causes hunger — this is a well-known fact. Apparently.

Following his extreme bravery in facing his fear of water, Wilson was keen to rush off down the pier in search of further diversion. And snacks. Apparently there's nothing like a bit of bravery to pique one's appetite for junk food.

You're never far from a snack at the seaside — the smell of hot fat and burning sugar permeates the salty air like ozone…

Before he scooted off, though, he posed for a photo:

White Water Rafting!

One of the first rides we came across on the pier was this log-canoe ride. Wilson regarded it suspiciously, walking slowly round the perimeter and asking the operator how deep the water was at its deepest point. Reassured by his answer (four inches) he announced that he might, just might be persuaded to ride one of the canoes.

While I bought him a ticket he carefully inspected all the canoes to locate the one with the driest seats — and therefore, he reasoned, the one in which he was least likely to get wet. 

He insisted that I walk beside his canoe throughout the ride, and at the first sign of his vessel sinking I was to snatch him out and dry him. 'This could be like The Titanic all over again!' he told me, nervously.

When he finally disembarked the only wet part of him was his brow — with sweat! 

You'd have thought he'd been on The Big One at Blackpool, but for W, with his fear and dislike of water, it was a real achievement. 

I bought him a big Candy Floss [Cotton Candy] to reward his bravery.

Chuckle Brothers

Once we got to the pier we paused only to stock up on essential supplies (Donuts and Waffles) before heading out over the water in search of fun and adventure.

I am already experiencing some pressure to buy tickets to see The Chuckle Brothers at the Pier Theatre — they are one of Wilson's favourites. I've told him 'We'll see' and I think he knows by now what that means, although when I handed him another Donut he said, 'To me! From you!'

I've put my foot down about Roy "Chubby" Brown — far too rude for a young anteater's ears — but I might be persuaded about ABBA, The Show...

Great Yarmouth Pier

To get the holiday off to a good start, I thought we'd go to Great Yarmouth to visit one of its two pleasure piers. 

Between the car park and the pier, Wilson stopped to make one of his traditional holiday purchases: a new bucket and spade set. I've lost count of the number of buckets and spades W must have by now — dozens, at least — but he always has to start each new holiday with a new set.

Once this was done we headed off to the Britannia Pier. Wilson was very keen to know why Great Yarmouth was so called, wondering whether there was another, Not-so-Great Yarmouth somewhere else that perhaps had not two but only half a pier. 

'That must be a hard sell for the Tourism Department,' he mused. 'Come on holiday to Not-so-Great Yarmouth! It's not Great, but it's Okay!' He giggled to himself.

I told him that the only other Yarmouth I knew of in the UK was on the Isle of Wight, and I expected that it was just lovely there but didn't like blowing its own trumpet.

Booking in

Once we'd arrived at our hotel, Wilson went ahead to book us in while I unloaded the rest of the luggage from the car.

W signed the registration documents, then handed one of his Consulting Detective business cards to the Receptionist; she read it, then handed it back. 

At this point I staggered in with the remainder of our cases; W took our key and we went up to our room to unpack.

I thought I could feel the Receptionist's eyes following us as we climbed the stairs…

Driving to Norfolk

It's been a good drive up to Norfolk, broken only by numerous 'comfort breaks' and visits to motorway service station shops and snack bars.

One of Wilson's purchases was a Magic Tree car air freshener. I hung it from the mirror, but W kept reading and re-reading the packet it came from. 

Just before we crossed the border into Norfolk, while stationary in traffic, W turned to me and asked whether I thought Anteater air-fresheners for cars would be popular.

'Well, a cute cardboard anteater hanging from the mirror would look nice!' I said. 'What would it smell of?'

'Anteaters!' he replied.

We're off!

We're all packed and ready to go; Diesel the Goldfish has been left with our next-door neighbours and the Bees, Polly- and Billi-B will be looking after everyone else.

I hope we haven't forgotten anything. I doubt Wilson has, because his suitcases are stuffed to bursting point — he must surely have packed everything he owns!

So, next stop Norfolk! 

Unless, as usual, I'm persuaded by W to stop for snacks at every motorway service station we pass…

Loading up

Wilson has loaded his suitcases into the car ready for our departure on holiday. 

Antony and Tiny Toy are at pains to make themselves obvious, so they don't get left behind. 

If by some misfortune they were to be overlooked, I do realise — no matter how far we'd travelled — Wilson would make me drive back to collect them!

He is a very responsible parent.

Holidays are coming…

Wilson was very keen to continue working on his Music To Watch Eclipses By project today. I told him that the next total eclipse wouldn't be until 2026 — and that visible only from Iceland — but he was caught up in composing the music and didn't want to break his concentration.

However, when I pointed out that now I had finished the redecoration of the hall we could go on holiday as soon as he was ready, he immediately ran off to fetch his suitcases.

Within an hour W pronounced himself 'Good to go!' and Antony and Tiny Toy stationed themselves on top of his packing to avoid any danger of being left behind.

W then walked around the house announcing, 'Wheels up in thirty!' to anyone who would listen.

I think he may be watching too much Criminal Minds… 

Music to Eclipse By

This morning I found Wilson in the kitchen humming tunelessly. 

'What's up, matey?' I asked him.

'I had a totes brill idea in the night!' he replied earnestly. 'I was thinking about the Eclipse, and I thought to myself, "What would make an eclipse even more pleasurable? And make me some money?"'

He waited for me to respond. I considered for a moment before replying, 'Clear skies?'

'My idea will make eclipses more exciting and pleasurable even if there's total cloud cover!' he said. 'I present: Music to Watch Eclipses By!'

He held up a CD for me to see. 

'This is blank Proof of Concept CD at the moment because I haven't composed the music yet. It will be quite Ambienty, and I shall play it on my spoons and kazoo — I'm just composing it now.'

'Oh!' I said, nonplussed.

'But that's not all,' he continued. He nudged Antony who held up a round chocolate biscuit with a single bite taken from it. 'There are also Eclipse Snacks!'

Letter from Home

Wilson rose late today owing to a slight (ie massive) overindulgence of chocolate yesterday left him feeling a tiny bit, as he puts it, 'Uncle Dick'. He assures me that a hearty breakfast of fried ants will be just the thing to put him back on his paws — but I shall probably steer clear of the kitchen while that's happening…

He has received a letter from his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, wishing him a Happy Easter, advising him that he has another seven half-siblings, and enquiring whether Kenneth Byron Eustace Vermilingua (W's young stepbrother who came to stay with us a while ago) could holiday with us again. 

W got on really well with little Byron, and it was lovely for him to have another anteater to do anteaterly things with, so he's going to write back and say he'd be welcome to visit during the summer holidays.

Summer holidays at the zoo are always a particularly trying time for Mrs V, due to the oppressive heat and increased visitor numbers. Mrs V. doesn't like visitors.

Easter Egg Hunt

At long last Chocolate Day has dawned, with everybody assembling in the garden for the Great Easter Egg Hunt. Within minutes everyone was running around frantically searching for hidden eggs. 

Polly was concerned that one of the children might be injured, but Billi told her they'd be fine, pointing out that all children have to graze their knees, get trapped on a few fly-papers and swallow some pesticides — it's just a natural part of growing up.

To my surprise, even Uncle Zoltan turned up with some eggs he had painted himself and which he handed out to the youngsters! 

You may notice that Diesel the Goldfish is absent — Wilson thought the sun might be bad for him, so he dropped an egg into his goldfish bowl and left him indoors in the shade. 

Unlike many humans, W is quite a responsible pet owner!

My Stash is Raided!

Wilson has raided my Secret Stash of Easter Eggs — I found him this morning in the garden with all the Easter Eggs I'd bought for him and the children!

When I asked what he thought he was doing, he said he was hiding the eggs for tomorrow's Easter Egg Hunt — because I am apparently rubbish at hiding things, due to me always choosing obvious hiding places.

I protested that I was actually a good and ingenious hider, but he raised one eyebrow and replied, 'I found your Secret Easter Egg Stash, didn't I?'

'I won't be much fun for you tomorrow will it?' I said. 'You'll already know where all the eggs are!'

'They will be SO well hidden'' he replied, 'that by tomorrow I shall have totes forgotten where I've put them!'

He may be right — I'm always doing that with the TV remote and my keys, and they're not even hidden!

Chocolate Egg Day. Not.

I was woken before dawn this morning by the sound of Wilson rooting round under my bed with a torch. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was on his Easter Egg Hunt.

I hauled him out and explained that he didn't get any eggs until Sunday, not Good Friday.

He looked very disappointed, and said he'd thought that was why it was called GOOD Friday: because of the chocolate. Actually, he looked so downcast that I relented and gave him an early Mini-Egg just to cheer him up. 

He went off happily enough, saying that he was going to share his egg with the children then plan his Easter Weekend — which will probably involve a lot of cocoa solids in one form or another, not to mention ants…

Business Card Printing

Wilson  has designed and printed a short run of his Consulting Detective business cards, and today he revealed the design. He says he's printed just a few thousand to sound out interest before he has what he calls 'a proper print run' professionally printed.

If a few thousand is just 'a short run', goodness knows how many 'a proper print run' might be!

He watched DCI Banks on TV last night and remarked that police officers have to mix with a lot of very unsavoury characters, but he's sure that a Consulting Detective will meet 'a better class of criminal.'

Actually, he's started calling the lawbreakers 'crims' or 'perps'… or even (though I disapprove) 'scrotes'!

The Bill, although greatly missed, does have a lot to answer for…

____________

Wilson also sends Get Well Soon wishes to his one-time love, Ms Joni Mitchell, who has been taken seriously poorly.

Health and Safety

P+B [in unison]: 'Hello! We are The Bees, Polly-B and Billi-B, and this is our guest blog!'

P: 'Today I want to say just two words to you: "Health and Safety".'

B: 'That's three words.'

P: 'I wasn't counting the "and".'

B: I think you should have!'

P: 'It doesn't signify.'

B: 'Nevertheless.'

P: 'We'll discuss it later. Anyway, you will be aware that Wilson recently suffered a nasty injury when he got his sniffer stuck in a megaphone, so I want to tell you one thing: BE VERY CAREFUL when using a megaphone. Don't get anything stuck in it!'

B: 'That's two things!'

P: 'Whatever! Johnson Minor, come out of there or you might get stuck!'

P+B [in unison]: 'Today's guest blog was brought to you by The Bees! Take care and we'll see you next month!'

Consulting Detective

It has occurred to Wilson that he will never be a millionaire just by drawing a salary, so before throwing in his lot with the Sussex Police Force he's decided to see whether being a Private Detective would pay better — and indeed whether anyone would consult him.

To this end he's designing himself a Business Card along the lines of that greatest of all Consulting Detectives, Mr Sherlock Holmes, which he intends to hand out while we're away on our holidays in order to assess the possible demand for his services.

He is under strict instructions from me not to light his meerschaum pipe in any circumstances!

Convalescence

Now that Wilson's sniffer has finally been released from the end of his megaphone he has gone into 'recuperation' mode, ie watching TV while being waited on.

He's watching a lot of Lewis, DCI Banks and Vera, having decided that he might be a detective when he grows up. Or failing that, a TV detective. 

He's told me he'd like to be 'Vermilingua Of The Yard' with a Sargeant like DS Hathaway from Lewis. Or DI Helen Morton, who is played by Caroline Katz — she also plays Louisa Glasson in Doc Martin, and W has a bit of a crush on her.

He's got the children saying things like, 'We're totes baffled — we must send for Vermilingua of the Yard!'