Trick or Treat...

Hallowe'en rather crept up on Wilson this year — he'd been so busy with his (doomed) Pud-U-Like business plan that it was only yesterday he realised the event was upon him!

He rushed round to Tesco for a pumpkin and quickly carved it into a helmet. 

By the time he'd finished it was already getting dark, so he scampered out to go Trick-or-Treating, without even stopping for dinner.

'It's alright, New Dad,' he called back to me as he left, 'I'll just eat my Treats as I get them!'

No win, no fee

'We were researching the Pud-U-Like name online, like you said,' Billi gasped out, flushed and breathless, 'and it's already taken! It's being used by a company in Yorkshire!'

'They make Yorkshire Puddings with Exotic Fillings!' Polly added.

Wilson's response was immediate: 'Okay, bees — find me a cheap on-line no-win no-fee solicitor and we'll sue for infringement!'

The bees both looked at me for confirmation, but I shook my head.

W threw up his arms in despair, declaiming, 'This is a calamity!'

I think only a holiday will cheer poor Wilson up now…

Grave news from the bees...

Wilson wants to plough the so-called Winter Holiday Fund into his Pud-U-Like scheme, and is now trying to persuade me to invest an equal amount myself! 

I pointed out that with such a similar name, Spud-U-Like might sue him. 

'Also,' I asked, 'isn't your pudding shop idea pretty much like a cake shop? Or tea rooms?'

'This is a totally different concept,' he replied, 'These wouldn't be cakes, these would be puddings!'

I watched as he scribbled a note in his pad: 'Sell cakes too!'

At this point Polly and Billi rushed in bearing grave news.

Pud-U-Like

While we were driving back from the supermarket this morning, Wilson suddenly shouted for me to stop the car! As soon as I'd done so, he jumped out and stood regarding the local Spud-U-Like franchise, deep in thought.

'Do you want a baked potato?' I asked him. 'We can have spuds here if you like.'

'No no no!' he replied. 'But it's given me a brilliant idea — a total gap in the market!'

As we drove home, he began to expound his plan for a chain of fast-food restaurants called, wait for it, Pud-U-Like. These would cater for people who like dining out, but only like dessert. 

'People like you, New Dad!' he exclaimed, rather unkindly I thought. 'You are exactly Pud-U-Like's dream demographic!'

Spending money

Wilson has returned to the topic of Winter Holidays, asking whether the Canary Islands are out of the question. 'This time, we might see some canaries!' he added, hopefully.

I told him that what with my recent unexpected expenditure on a clock, we just couldn't afford a holiday right now.

'But there's £200 in the Holiday Fund!' he countered.

'£200?' I queried, 'I paid you £300 for that clock — what's happened to the other £100?'

'Spending money' he replied, nonchalantly. 

Whatever, I was pleased to notice a tourist brochure for Bristol — perhaps the Canaries are just an opening gambit. I wonder whether he'd be satisfied with a day in Seaford…

BBC Northern Dance Orchestra

Wilson is in the conservatory playing his Kathryn Tickell CD, and wondering whether it would be suitable as Birthing Music for his friend Ms Rowena's baby. Some of the tracks are mournful and haunting, while others are quite foot-tappy, and he's not sure whether either would be appropriate.

I asked him what his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, used to listen to when she was giving birth, and he said, 'The BBC Northern Dance Orchestra mostly. Oh and Metallica!'

'She had very catholic taste!' I observed.

'They were the only two records we had when I was little,' he explained, 'the Dance Band and the Thrash Metal.'

I just nodded, but reflected that being born to the sounds of Anthrax probably explained quite a lot about Wilson's family. 

I'm a Winner! But I don't feel like it...

Why couldn't I see this coming? Now I've got TWO clocks — one a birthday present, and one I appear to have bought at auction for the astonishing sum of £300!

Wilson's clock did sell on eBay last night. To me! The bid I placed — at his insistence, simply to pique bidders' interest — was the only bid received so I was, as he put it, 'The lucky winner!' 

W banked my £300 this morning before hanging the clock in the hall next to my almost-identical birthday clock.

He told me not to feel bad about the money as he would donate 'most of it' to our Winter Holiday fund.

I was unaware that we even had a Winter Holiday fund — this is almost certainly the only money in it!

eBay

Some time ago, Wilson put his one completed Mk2 WASTE Clock on eBay. The unique feature of this clock is that it never needs adjusting for Winter or Summer Time — it just carries on showing the correct time throughout the year with its extra hour-hand!

The Hour changes back tomorrow morning, however, and his clock has not attracted any bids; no one is even 'watching' it. 

So he has prevailed on me, much against my better judgement, to place a bid on it, to stimulate interest. 

The reserve price is £250, so W says I should make a bid of £300, to make the clock look desirable.

This strikes me as sharp practice, as 'manipulating the market', but he assures me that 'everybody does it' and 'it never fails!'

Wilson is a Winner!

All thoughts of a Winter Holiday were (thankfully) put aside once the postman called this morning, bringing with him Wilson's PRIZE CD!

He entered a competition with the English Folk Dance and Song Society to win Kathryn Tickell & The Side's CD — and he won!

We popped it in the CD player in the car when we drove to Lewes to do the week's shopping and W tapped his paws to the music all the way there and back!

He told me that he's specially excited because, apart from the title of Ant King (which doesn't have a prize) he's never won anything before. 

Although he would have preferred if it had been the National Lottery he'd won, in which case he'd have bought himself a copy of the CD.

Winter break

Wilson caught me reading his notes on the fridge door this morning.

He shuffled about for a bit, before suddenly announcing, 'Honestly, New Dad, you're looking a bit peaky. I think a break would do you good!'

I fixed him with a sceptical stare, but he brandished a brochure about Holidays in the New Forest at me, then continued. 

'You need some, er,  Autumn colour. Some light. You need to get away from it all…'

Winter holidays aren't just cold, they're cool!

By the time we arrived home from the party Wilson was sound asleep, but I managed to lift him out of the car and pop him into the tumble dryer with Antony and Tiny Toy without waking him.

This morning, however, he was up before me, and when I came down to breakfast I found a new note on the fridge door extolling the virtues of a winter holiday.

If he'd put something about dodging Halloween and Guy Fawkes' Night I'd have been more kindly disposed to the idea…

Nutritional concerns

After his feed William fell into a deep and satisfied sleep while Wilson watched over him like a fretful father.

At first Wilson had been surprised that William hadn't brought Colin with him, but soon realised that he probably wouldn't have the social skills to deal with a big family gathering, and was better off at home playing with William's teddies.

When the party ended, Wilson shook hands with the guests and thanked them all for coming, as though it had been his party!

But as we walked back to the car he muttered to me, 'If I know one thing, it's that milk is not enough — that baby needs more ants!'

What are a Birthing Partner's duties?

When Baby William was fed, Wilson expressed some concern that he wasn't getting enough ants in his diet, adding that he had some spare dried ants with him if required.

As for his offer to be Rowena's Birthing Partner, it turns out when he helped his mother, Mrs Vermilingua, with her deliveries, this meant playing with his younger siblings to keep them out of the way, while his big Sister Andrea got on with the actual 'towels and boiling water — and lots of it!' business…

Party time!

We had a fabulous time at Ms Ann's Birthday Party! 

Wilson had a starter of nachos as well as a main course of linguini followed by two desserts, finally declaring himself 'too full to move safely'.  Although that didn't stop him also having a quite a big slice of birthday cake.

W met another of his friends at the party, Ms Rowena, who is also about to have a baby. He told her that he had helped his mother, Mrs Vermilingua, with many of her deliveries, and asked if she'd like him to be her Birthing Partner. 

Rowena smiled bravely and said she'd 'think about it'.

Reasons to go on holiday...

Next to the Cartoon on the fridge door this morning, I found a list of reasons to go on holiday now. I fear Wilson's Holiday Campaign is stepping up a gear.

We've been invited to a Birthday Party tomorrow, so there probably won't be time for a post — but expect photos the following day! 

Unless W is too hung-over, of course…

Ants In Their Pants

One of Wilson's Twitter friends, Moose Allain ( @MooseAllain ) has sent him a cartoon called 'Ants in their Pants' which W thinks is the funniest thing he's ever seen in his life!

He's magneted it on the fridge door and taken everyone to admire it. 

And to have it explained to them, in the case of the younger ones who don't yet understand word-play.

Uckfield Art Trail

Wilson has framed his new photo of Colin in a spare frame which he'd bought 'just in case', and hung it in the living room next to what he calls his 'Picasso' portrait. 

He told me that he's thinking of opening our house for the Uckfield Art Trail next year. 

I told him that I'd think about it. 

We all know what that means, don't we?

Unfortunately his friend Giraffe has received some bad news and W doesn't quite know what to say to ease his distress: http://urls.ht/3eK

Wilson is able to relax at last...

Wilson has been a bit on edge since Colin left, but this morning the postman brought a new photograph of him cuddling Baby William, and a note from Ms Jenny which read:

'Well, Colin had a sleepless night the first night but he seems to have settled in quite well now, and he's made friends with a few of William's teddies!'

As he read it I could see the tension drain out of W's shoulders… 

He's still not managed to get the print heads out of the printer, so I think I'll have a go at that myself over the weekend.

Printer repairs

So, how are you getting on with your Free Business Cards? 

(If you missed them, you can download them from here: http://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/free-gift.html)

Feedback from Wilson's friends suggest they're good for:

 • Playing Snap

 • Cake Decorations

 • Using as Pretend (or Fraudulent) Credit Cards

 • Building Houses of Cards

 • Playing Top Trumps

 • Swapping With Your Friends (if you have any friends)

and not so good for

 • Playing Contract Bridge

Wilson hasn't been able to print any himself, due to his breaking my printer by gumming up the printheads with home-made perfume. He's in the kitchen now, trying to repair it. 

There's no shortage of advice, but little sign of success so far.

Nightmares

Wilson slept in my bed again last night following a specially scary Dr Who! I watched this episode with him, and I can sympathise as it was indeed totally terrifying. One of the special effects in particular will probably give me nightmares...

Wilson's Separation Anxiety has eased since his friends Ms Jenny and Mr Simon sent him a photo of Colin the Toy Camel, safe and well, playing with Baby William.

Wilson gazed at it for a long time, before saying, 'I think Colin looks happy with Baby William! Now I wish I'd tried a bit harder to stuff him, but the kapok just kept coming out of his eye-holes.'