Coming downstairs today, I was met with the terrible stench of formaldehyde – every room smelled like a Funeral Home, or a Taxidermist's Workroom!
'Wilson!' I shouted, 'what is that @#$%&* smell?'
'New Dad!' he called back, 'I am shocked by your intemperate language – and in front of young Biro, too!'
His voice had come from the living room, so I went in to see what was going on… and soon located the source of the noxious miasma: both boys were admiring what purported to be an Air Freshener – although it would be fairer to describe it as an Air Polluter.
Wilson spoke first, saying, 'What do you think, New Dad? It's the first prototype of our Ant-Flavour Air Freshener!'
'I think it stinks!' I replied.
'You don't like the concept?' he asked, 'Air Fresheners are very popular, and luxury fragrances command premium prices!'
'No,' I replied, 'what stinks is the smell – what on earth is it?'
'Byron tentatively informed me that it was called 'Eau d'Formol', adding, 'It's the smell ants give off when they think they're about to be eaten…'
In Europe, and particularly here in Uckfield, the weather is hot.
Hot, not in a good way but in an airless, sultry, sticky, clammy, stifling, humid and muggy way that renders sleep almost impossible.
Wilson and Byron, originally from Costa Rica, could normally be relied on to take this sort of weather in their stride – but even they are finding it a bit oppressive.
When I came down to breakfast this morning I was very pleased to be offered a home made Ice Lolly .
I gratefully accepted the proffered icy treat and was about to suck on it, when I noticed a lot of, well, little black things frozen into the ice.
'Are these little black specks what I think they are?' I enquired.
Wilson replied, 'That rather depends on what you think they are – if you think they're ants, then you're correct!'
Byron nodded enthusiastically – but to their surprise and disappointment, I returned the unsucked lolly to the freezer.
'Are you sure you won't have one?' Byron asked, 'They're very refreshing, and there's a bit of Gin in them!'
Wilson agreed, adding that 'Frozen Ants are The Way Forward, and Biro and me are going into mass production.'
I suppose that means I shall have to empty the freezer of all the non-ant-based food that's taking up unnecessary space…
—————
I was reminded today of one of Wilson's other publishing successes, The Big Book Of Free Stuff. Do take a look, it's very good:
https://issuu.com/home/published/big_book_of_free_stuff_4issuu
What with everything that's been going on, I'm quite surprised that Wilson has got this ready in time: the July/September page of your Free 2019 Calendar Partwork!
With the excitement of Byron publishing his new book, I'm aware that Wilson's nose might be a bit pushed out of joint – Sibling Rivalry can be a terrible thing – therefore I'm taking the opportunity to remind you of some of his past Publishing Triumphs (ie the books that have made it past the Title and the Front Cover Design stage) starting today with ANTEATERS IN SPACE:
Wilson's "ANTEATERS IN SPACE" book
Nërp is considering leaving what he calls his 'Life of Domestic Servitude and Drudgery' to strike out as a full-time artist – possibly in Montmartre…
But while he's pondering that, Byron has finished and published a book!
I didn't even known he was working on a book – what a dark horse he is…
Anyway, it's a book about Understanding Conceptual Art, which he's written following our visit to The Turner Contemporary Gallery in Margate to see the Katie Paterson show, A place that exists only in moonlight.
Here you can see a picture of the book (I think it must be printed on very thick paper, because it's not quite as long as this photo makes it look!) and you can read it for yourself here:
Byron's Book Link
He's a very clever lad, I think you'll agree!
In the words of Mark Twain*, 'I don't know much about art, but I know what I hate!', and I really don't hate Nerp's painting of Wilson in the garden!
I think it's much better than anything painting robot Ai-Da has done, and I'm going to frame it and hang it in the living room.
Wilson's interest was piqued when he learned that one of Ai-Da's paintings has sold for £1Million – exactly the sum needed by W to keep the promise he made to his Mum, Mrs V – although Nërp says that if he sells his painting, the proceeds will go to the Home For Retired Robots.
It still looks to me as though Wilson is asleep rather than thinking, although I will concede that his eyes are open.
Of course, that could just be Nërp using some 'artistic licence' in his interpretation…
—————
*Sir Max Beerbohm, Monty Python and Homer Simpson have all said this, but it is not known who said it first.
Wilson has just read yesterday's post, and taken offence at it!
He says he was not 'Dozing in the sunshine' as I'd had 'erroneously' stated, but purposely remaining motionless while Nërp created his likeness in watercolours.
'In fact,' he continued, 'so far from dozing was I that I composed this Haiku to express my feelings!'
Anteater,
Dozing in the summer sun
His head filled with thoughts of Ants
I pointed out that the verse actually contains the word 'Dozing' but Wilson insisted that this was merely for poetical effect, and because it had exactly the required number of syllables to complete the Haiku.
Home again following our holiday in Margate, everything is returning to what passes here for normal.
Nërp has been inspired by Ai-Da, 'the world's first Painting Robot' to take up painting as a hobby.
Ai-Da was designed by Cornish robotics company Engineered Arts, and her robotic hand was developed by engineers in Leeds, while Nërp was designed and built by the good people at eBay…
Nërp told me he was a bit disappointed, as he could have been the world's first Painting Robot if only he'd thought of it, but added, 'Disappointment is a human emotion to which I have neither wish nor capacity to fall prey. As are Dismay, Sadness, Despondency, Jealousy, Bitterness and Resentfulness.'
I have to say, he did sound the tiniest bit all those things, but I expect that's just my imagination…
Anyway, why I mention this is because while Wilson was sitting dozing in the sunshine, Nërp painted a picture of him – and although I'm no expert, it looks pretty good to me!
Before we left the Turner Contemporary, while the lads were occupied in the Gift Shop, I bought a copy of Katie Paterson's Book of Ideas – A place that only exists in moonlight – it was quite expensive, but I think it will be a nice souvenir for Byron – I'll give it to him when we get home.
But at last it's time to leave Margate and return to Uckfield.
On the drive back we passed some seaside Beach Huts, and Nërp noticed that some of them had been decorated in quite unusual ways.
We parked the car to investigate (and to buy ice creams, sweets and comics – obviously) and went to investigate.
Someone remarked that the one in the middle should be called Spongebob Beach Hut!
Byron was characteristically quiet on the rest of the journey, studiously writing in a little notebook he'd bought.
The boys met up again in front of Vatnajökull (the sound of) – a piece comprised of a neon sign of a long number.
Wilson asked Byron, 'So, Biro – this isn't just a neon sign, is it?'
'You're right!' Byron replied enthusiastically, 'It's a telephone number. You can call it from anywhere in the world and hear the Vatnajökull Glacier in Iceland dying as it melts… it's a very melancholy sound, and a sorrowful thought, don't you think?'
Wilson considered this for some moments, the silence broken only by a performance of Earth-Moon-Earth (an automated grand piano playing Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, the data having been transmitted from the Earth to the moon, reflected off the Moon's surface and received back on Earth, the music occasionally interrupted or altered by data-loss).
Then he asked, 'Biro, how do you know so much about all this… stuff?'
'Mostly,' Byron replied, 'I just read the labels!'
The next installation was Timepieces (Solar System) (2014)
Wilson, though, had by now stood all he could stand, and took Byron to one side.
'Byron, mate – I say this for your own good: open your eyes: it's a row of clocks – and they're all showing the wrong time! You could buy your own row of clocks from Rymans, and set them all to the wrong times, but that wouldn't make you an artist!'
Byron turned to Wilson and explained quietly, 'Wilson, the artwork is not the clocks. It's not the Lightbulbs or the DHL Package. The Artwork is the IDEA – the CONCEPT. The clocks, the lightbulbs, the package – they're just the Physical Manifestation of the Concept.'
Wilson was quite thoughtful after this, and while Byron went off to listen to As The World Turns (a recording of Vivaldi's Four Seasons played on a record player whose turntable rotates only once per day) Wilson remained looking at 'Timepieces', deep in thought.
Nërp explained helpfully that, having just completed the calculations, all the clocks were in fact showing the correct times, but for other planets, not the Earth… except for Saturn, which was running two minutes slow.
Wilson remained immersed in thought, while Nërp went off to report the timekeeping error to someone…
The next work we came to was titled Second Moon and consisted of a DHL package in a vitrine.
Inside the package was a fragment of Moon Rock which had orbited the Earth for a year by means of an Air Freight Courier, travelling counterclockwise at twice the speed of the actual Moon.
Wilson declared scathingly, 'Biro – it's a parcel! I could have given you an Amazon parcel myself, then we could be downstairs in the café now drinking coffee and buying souvenirs…'
Nërp moved across to Wilson and whispered, 'Please stop being so cynical – it makes you sound like a Philistine, and might be spoiling Byron's enjoyment.'
Finally we have entered the first gallery and seen some art!
Byron let out a little squeal of delight, then he and Nërp hurried over to look at a piece called Light Bulb to Simulate Moonlight (2008) part 1.
Wilson followed him and contemplated the piece in silence, finally observing dryly, 'It's several shelves covered in light bulbs. I could have seen this at B&Q's Lightbulb Department.'
Byron and Nërp moved on to part two of the work, again followed by W.
Wilson called out, 'Are you alright in there, Biro? I'd hate to think of you lost in the infinite depths of the universe…'
Entering the Turner Contemporary Gallery, we encountered two things none of us had expected!
The first was a lift [elevator] as big as a house – Byron remarked that it was bigger than the entire Anteater Enclosure at the Zoo, while Nërp compared it favourably to the factory where he had been built…
The second was when Wilson looked out of the massive windows overlooking the sea and thought he could see a man on the end of the groyne trying to drown himself!
He had already grabbed his phone and started to call Emergency Services when Byron reached out and took the phone, informing him that what he could see was in fact a famous Antony Gormley sculpture.
Wilson was a bit put out as he'd thought this had been his chance to Save The Day and Be A Hero – perhaps even get his photograph in the Margate Mercury or the Isle Of Thanet News…
Wilson (a reluctant art-lover) looked longingly at the outside café tables, while remarking how good the coffee smelled and how great was his need for a Danish Pastry, but Byron and Nërp waited by the entrance, giving him pleading and stern looks respectively.
Visiting the Turner Contemporary is really the raison de'être for our trip to Margate, and young Byron can't be done out of it now!
Besides, I'm quite looking forward to it myself, and I'm sure Wilson will come round in the fulness of time…
Just as paddling was a disappointment to Wilson, I hope The Turner Contemporary Gallery isn't a disappointment for young Byron – as that is where we're headed today!
Byron grew increasingly excited as we drew closer to the iconic building, and by the time we'd located the entrance was almost unable to contain himself...
Since paddling turned out to be quite disappointing to Wilson, I think today's visit to Dreamland might have put things right.
We all had a good time on the rides and playing sideshow games like Hook-A-Duck, then Nërp came across a Giant Robot being assembled by a team of workmen with cranes!
He tried to engage the robot's head in small-talk, but (possibly because the head was not yet connected to its body) it was pretty much a one-sided conversation – more of a monologue really – in which Nërp tried to introduce himself and tell the oversized android about his niece Jīqìrén…
Last night Wilson asked me whether I thought his body was 'Beach Ready' as he'd like to go paddling!
P A D D L I N G !
'What, in the sea?' I asked in amazement.
'Of course in the sea!' he replied, scathingly. 'We're at the seaside – where else would I go paddling?'
Given his legendary dislike of water, I never thought I would hear him utter these words.
Following on from Nërp's unexpected revelation that he has a niece, I don't know how many more shocks I can take...
So obviously, we headed down to the beach today to indulge Wilson's wish – he disappeared into a shelter for a short time, while Byron ran into the sea and started splashing about and shouting in excitement.
Eventually Wilson emerged… wearing an enormous pair of rubber Waders!
Shuffling a little distance into the water, he stood looking around before emerging a few minutes later declaring that he couldn't see what all the fuss was about.
Nërp asked whether he could borrow his Waders so he could try paddling himself without risking getting salt water into his internal electronics or joints – Wilson said he could keep them, as he didn't expect to need them again.
At least now we know what was in that last-minute Amazon package…
Despite its unprepossessing exterior, The Shell Grotto proved very interesting.
Its origins are shrouded in mystery, as it was already very old when it was discovered in 1837 – which just adds to the fascination.
There are around 20m of underground winding passages, the walls and ceiling being clad in some 4½ million shells (which Wilson thought was 'a bit creepy')!
The passages eventually lead to a room where a famous séance was held in the 1930s (which Wilson thought was 'a bit spooky').
However, he was full of admiration for the Shell Grotto Gift Shop, buying a few mementos of our visit to display in his little Museum.
Nërp declared that the Grotto was 'fascinating, if bizarre' and that his niece Jīqìrén would love to see it.
We were all stunned by this, as no-one knew that Nërp had any relatives…
Once back at the hotel we went to the dining room, and over dinner we planned a timetable for our stay in Margate – there's a lot to do here, and we might have trouble fitting everything in!
Wilson is (obviously) very keen to spend some time at Dreamland, a large yet traditional theme park (which I'm sure Byron would enjoy too) but Margate has many other interesting attractions on offer.
The main reason for our trip, though, is to visit The Turner Contemporary Gallery, and I've promised Byron that he can spend as much time there as he needs to see everything – he won't be rushed round it or hustled – although I did tell him I'd like our visit to be on our final day here.
He said that would be perfect as it would give him plenty of time to reflect on what he'd seen in the Gallery during the drive home.
Then we retired to our room and the boys chose their beds.
Looks like I shall be sleeping on the couch…
As it happens it was lucky we didn't leave on Monday as Wilson had wanted, because just before we departed a package from Amazon arrived addressed to him.
He grabbed it and stuffed it secretively into his already-bulging suitcase, declining to discuss what this new purchase might be…
However, we're here now!
What with all the comfort stops and refreshment stops (and quite a long stop while Nërp recharged) we arrived quite late, so once we'd booked into our hotel we all went for a stroll along the prom…
