Entering IKEA's labyrinthine Room Sets Zone, the first room we entered was a very attractive study — a study such as I would quite like for myself, as it happens.
Wilson jumped into the office chair, spun it around a few times then scooted it across the room, declaring, 'I need a study EXACTLY like this one! Just think of the INVENTING I could do in a study like this! Look, New Dad, there's a clock... a world map... a pinboard... a tv... We can convert the Guest Bedroom — we'll make a start on it as soon as we get home!'
I thought about that for a moment, and tried to move him on.
So, I have but a few hours to think of a reason not to spend a small fortune converting the guest bedroom into a 'study' for Wilson — or 'playroom/den' as I'm certain it would quickly turn in to.
I wonder if he'd settle for me putting up a clock in his tumble dryer?
Moving away from the frozen treat dispensers and into the store, the first thing Wilson noticed was a display of Shopping Bags, Pencils and Tape Measures.
Pointing to them, he asked me, 'Are those things free, New Dad? They're not priced.'
I explained that the shopping bags were to use just while we shopped and had to be handed back at the checkout but, I supposed, the pencils and tape measures were, in a sense, free.
'Woah!' he exclaimed, climbing onto a stack of chairs and helping himself to a pawful of pencils and tape measures, 'I'll be able to start an on-line Pencil and Tape Measure Shop!'
I shook my head ruefully as he continued, 'I shall call it "Pencils and Tape Measures R Us!"'
I finally tempted Wilson inside IKEA by telling him about the Ice cream dispenser in the foyer.
It's my experience that all children like putting coins in slots, and W is no different — especially when frozen treats are on offer.
Actually there were three machines, vending respectively Soft Ice Cream, Frozen Yogurt and Milkshake. He couldn't decide which to have first... although he ended up having all three. Obviously. It is his birthday, after all.
Actually, I had to help him finish the ice cream because it gave him 'brain freeze'.
Then we headed further into the depths of the Scandinavian Superstore...
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In other news, Wilson has just received an email from The Bees, saying that they'll be flying into Brighton tomorrow for the Brighton and Hove Albion Victory Parade! 🐝🐝⚽️
Having had a very sheltered childhood at the zoo, Wilson is fascinated by – and finds fun in – the strangest things.
When he first came to live with me it would take ages to get into any shop with automatic doors, because he would spend so long playing with them. Likewise, before this trip he had never come across revolving doors.
He spent a very long time going in, round and out again, then just walking round and round inside them — it was as though they were a free 'ride-as-long-as-you-like' Roundabout!
I think I know how to coax him out of the doors, though — I've spotted something inside that he's going to love!
TODAY IS WILSON'S BIRTHDAY!
As soon as it got light this morning, and while the rest of the household was still sleeping, he tossed his breakfast down his throat, grabbed his birthday cards and a carton of Ant Juice and went outside to wait in the car.
Remembering how exciting birthdays are when you haven't had very many of them I didn't have the heart to make him wait while I had breakfast, so I just had a cup of coffee then went to join him.
When I saw the Ant Juice I made him promise not to spill any on the upholstery of our new Juke, as I know how his juice stains!
Then we set off for a day at IKEA!
The sun is shining and the country lanes are lined with the green of trees newly in leaf and blooming Blackthorn hedges, the grassy banks fringed with bluebells.
You may think IKEA is an unlikely destination for a young boy's birthday treat, but Wilson is no ordinary lad — I really think he'll love it there!
Wilson has made it clear that, in spite of the liberal use of Splurge, custard pies and flour bombs in Antsy Malone — The Musical, he will NOT be showering after each performance, and he will have a Rider to this effect written into his Contract.
However, should any member of the audience be 'accidentally' splurged, Souvenir Splurge Removal Products will be available from the Concessions Stand in the foyer, price £5, cash only please.
Notwithstanding his personal hygiene issues, I really do think this could be the IDEAL musical for Wilson — not only does he have the Mediterranean good looks of an Italian-American Gangster, he also has the hat!
Ms Julia should expect to hear from Wilson soon!
Anyway, here is what Wilson calls an 'Authentic Autographed Promo Photo' for you — it shows him posing in the garden, 1930s-style, with his Splurge Gun.
It's apparently part of the Antsy Malone Press Pack, but so far the photo is all he's got...
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There will be an EXTRA POST tomorrow (Thursday), because it's Wilson's birthday — do check in to see what he's up to!
In an effort to distract Wilson from overexcited anticipation of his imminent birthday, I've taken him on a trip to Staverton's Garden Centre.
We hadn't been to Staverton's since the massive make-over, and it is magnificent — Wilson couldn't even believe it was the same place, because it looks completely different... and about five times larger!
We bought some bark chippings and quite a lot of plants for the garden, but W's favourite purchase was a small, iron ant — you can just see it resting on a bag of Levington's at the front of the trolley.
I fear this is going to be used in a large number of Practical Jokes...
Wilson, a follower of Lee Strasberg's Method Acting, wears his Leonard Cohen hat all the time now to help him get into his role. He says that not only does it help him 'inhabit' the part of Antsy Malone, it also makes him look 'WELL trendy-bendy — and v. popular with the Ladies!'
Hmmmmm...
It's not long now until Wilson's birthday!
He has a love of all things Scandinavian (Scandiana he calls it): Nordic Noir tv series, ABBA, Daim Bars, Freja Beha Erichsen, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo etc (in fact he's re-watching the English-language version of Dragon Tattoo right now) so on his birthday I'm planning to take him on a trip to... IKEA!
I know one or two of you regard a trip to IKEA like visiting the Eighth Circle Of Hell, but I'm certain he'll love it!
Visiting IKEA is almost like visiting Sweden, except it's warmer, nearer and all the prices are in £ Sterling! 🇸🇪🙂
It's a surprise, so please don't say anything to him!
Antony, Wilson's Musical Director for Antsy Malone — The Musical, has become bored and disillusioned by the lack of progress on the aforementioned production.
He says that so far there are more posters than songs, and unless Wilson puts in some more effort he will be directing his creative skills elsewhere.
In fact, he has already started composing some Football Chants and Songs for the Bees' fledgling footy team, Uckfield Bees.
They're not quite 'Three Lions' or 'You'll Never Walk Alone' but they're not bad... for a toy anteater!
He's in the dining room trying them out on TT — in a style more reminiscent of Nat King Cole than a footy crowd — while channeling Liberace, judging by the candelabra!
Here's one of Antony's Football Anthems:
❝Have you seen the Uckfield Bees?
They fly with the ball between their knees!
They play with all their heart and soul,
Then drop the ball inside the goal!❞
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This morning on The Danny Baker Show (BBC Radio 5 Live) Danny said that he'd recently trapped and killed a Hornet! Everyone is afraid it might have been Uncle Zoltan.
I've emailed the show to ask, but received no reply as yet...
Wilson has just shown me yet ANOTHER Antsy Malone Poster — he seems to be turning them out far more quickly than he's writing songs for the show.
I asked him about this, and he said he's a bit 'musically and lyrically blocked' and that what would REALLY free-up his creative side and get his euphonic juices flowing would be the holiday to 'Weston Super Market' that I promised him before Xmas.
He's right — I DID promise him a holiday once the weather warmed up, and the time has probably come to make good on that promise, I suppose.
The holiday will have to wait until after his birthday, though, as I've got a special event planned for that!
In the meantime, he'd be very grateful if you'd print out the poster and stick it up on the noticeboard where you work.
Or near the water cooler.
Or in your car window.
Or get it printed on a T-shirt...
This morning Wilson saw a news item about Adele being top of the Rock Richlist, with a net worth of $125M — that's about 70,633,000,000 Costa Rican Colón!
Wilson, on the other hand, is still waiting for his first PRS cheque.
Why not cheer him up by listening once again to his Music Video? You can even download it, if you like!
http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU
http://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/
Today is The Bees' Third Wedding Anniversary — doesn't time fly, eh?
Unlike human weddings with their gifts of Paper, Cotton... Silver... Gold etc, apparently all Bee wedding anniversaries are designated Honey Anniversaries — which I suppose makes gift-buying a lot simpler...and cheaper!
Wilson organised a party in the garden, and after a lot of music, waggle-dancing and booze Tiny Toy gave a very funny speech.
Well, I say 'speech,' but basically it was a lot of one-liners told in very quick succession:
❝WELCOME, everybody, to Polly and Billi's THIRD WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!
❝Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married... and she didn't have to hear about how well his mother cooked.
❝Always remember you’re unique... just like everyone else.
❝I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.
❝My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
❝Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
❝I went to the corner shop — bought four corners.
❝A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
❝I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
❝I received some bad news whilst eating a curry at an Indian Restaurant. My naan had slipped into a korma.
❝If you don't know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
❝We know the location of the Big Apple, but do we know where the Minneapolis?
❝They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for...
❝Thank you! Thank you! I've been Tiny Toy, and you've been a wonderful audience! Happy Anniversary, everyone! Goodnight!❞
Hello, we are Polly and Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Usually we blog about the terrible things that are happening to bees, who are being poisoned all round the world, but today we thought, 'Life's Too Short!' (especially what with all the poisoning) so we decided to tell you about something wonderful we've just discovered: Football*!
We started playing football with our children a few days ago, after Billi saw a programme on TV about bees playing football and, although you do get a bit muddy, it's great fun!
Billy has discovered that there's a Ladies' Football Team called London Bees.
Obviously, a perfect name for our (mostly) ladies' team would be: UCKFIELD BEES, so we've decided that will be our team name from now on.
We've got Wilson to take a Team Photo for fans and supporters of our team, and Antony says that when he gets time he'll write some football chants and songs for our supporters to sing and shout.
Wilson has called his photograph of us "Team Photo" and suggests you print it out poster size and pin it on your bedroom wall, as apparently this is the traditional thing to do with Team Photos!
Anyway, we've been The Bees and, until next time: BEEEEEEEEE GOOD!
PS: There's still no news of Uncle Zoltan — please keep your eyes peeled and let us know if you see him!
*Football = soccer, if you're American.
Wilson has just launched a NEW 'Limited Edition' Antsy Malone poster — on sale to raise 'seed money' for Antsy Malone — The Musical. He assured me that this poster will become 'extremely collectible' in no time at all, adding that I should expect to see it turning up on Antiques Roadshow within months. Hmmm. 😕
I asked him what this so-called Seed Money was needed for; he shrugged and replied, 'Well, necessities that are required before the production is launched. Things like, oh, I don't know... Greasepaint. Scenery. Gin.'
In other news, tomorrow is the day of The Bees' Blog, and Billi tells me it will be unlike any of their previous blogs.
So, don't say you haven't been warned!
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If you are a member of the Mailing List or the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society on Facebook, I must apologise for today's post being late. To make up, expect one of Wilson's Souvenir Antsy Malone — The Musical souvenir badges to pop into your inbox or Appreciation Society account soon!
This morning Wilson asked to be driven into the village, so he could show me his Antsy Malone poster in situ.
I have to admit it looks very fine, but when I asked how much it costs to have a poster displayed in a Bus Shelter, he was strangely evasive.
I'm guessing that either I'll find out the cost when my VISA bill arrives, or the people responsible for Bus Shelter advertising are blissfully unaware that it's there...
Dave the Pig is VERY excited — he has been cast as Reporter No. 2 in Antsy Malone — The Musical!
While Reporter No. 2 isn't a major character, it IS a speaking part!
Also, Billi has asked Wilson to knit some tiny football jumpers for her team.
I'd be very surprised if his knitting skills are up to that, and in any case he's devoting every waking minute to writing the libretto for Antsy Malone – The Musical.
Moreover, he is deeply sceptical of Bee Football even being A Thing, believing it to be something Billi hallucinated...
AKA 'Beer Bottles for Goalposts'!
Since seeing that programme on tv about scientists teaching bees to play football, Billi has been trying to form a team.
Fearing that she'll get covered in mud, Polly wasn't very keen at first — but was eventually cajoled into giving it a try.
They're in the garden now having a kick-about with the children, using a (worryingly ripe) cherry tomato as their ball.
There was a brief argument between the Johnson Brothers as to which of them would be Lionel Messi, but it was settled fairly amicably by a Penalty Shootout.
While many people are confused by the off-side rule, Polly is baffled by much more basic aspects of the Beautiful Game: which way to kick the ball, for example, and why she can use only her rear tarsi for kicking.
Billi can't decide whether to name the team Queen Bees of the South or Queen Bee's Park Rangers... or, since they play in a black-and-yellow strip, possibly Beerussia Dortmund.
Here, in the nick of time, is the latest page of your free Calendar Part-work: MAY!
To save you time, Wilson has indicated all the important(!) dates that fall in the coming month.
Now that the 2017 Formula One season has started, the calendar photo shows W getting in some Practice Laps in preparation for the Sochi race.
That's to say, preparation for WATCHING the Sochi race — he is determined to be in the the Pole Position armchair, because it has the best view of the TV!
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Wilson says that there will soon be a special free gift exclusively for members of The Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society and the Mailing List.
To avoid any unnecessary disappointment, I wouldn't get too excited...
Watching The One Show on tv last week, there was a story about scientists at Queen Mary, University of London's School of Biological and Chemical Sciences having taught bumble bees to play football!
When Billi told everyone about it, no-one believed her — but I've done some research and it really is true!
Apparently the scientists taught just one bumble bee how to play, and that bee taught the whole colony!
They've probably got their own League by now, and Sky Sports will be bidding for the exclusive TV rights...
Wilson took some time out from his busy schedule writing 'Antsy Malone – The Musical' this morning to watch the London Marathon.
His friend Ms Jenny (who you may remember is Colin the Camel's New Mum) is taking part, and he hoped to catch a glimpse of her.
Ever since his ill-fated application to be a Torch Carrier at the London Olympics, W has often talked about running a marathon or half-marathon himself – I think this is unlikely, as even watching the event on TV required several cans of Energy Drink to stop him dozing off.
When he did catch sight of Ms Jenny he was so surprised that he knocked his energy drink off the armchair... onto the head of an unsuspecting Antony, sitting on the floor minding his own business.
Such, I suppose, are the perils of extreme sports...
#getinspired
Considering the attention Ms May got when she announced her General Election, Wilson is a bit surprised there's not been more coverage of the big announcement he made yesterday. He said he'd been expecting Sky News to doorstep him this morning.
Or at least Mr Nicky Campbell.
Anyway, to continue with the plot:
Antsy Malone's efforts cost him his relationship with Blousey after he lets her down by not taking her to Hollywood as he'd promised.
Returning to the speakeasy, Blousey and the rest of Fat Sam’s crew are unaware of Dandy Dan’s intent for revenge — his mob burst into the speakeasy and chaos ensues.
Splurge, custard pies, and flour bombs fly across the bar. As the pandemonium comes to a sticky end, it emerges that Antsy and Blousey have reconciled and there is finally peace between the two rival gangs, and Wilson, um, that's to say, Antsy, finally gets the girl.
Anyway, Wilson has already designed the poster, so he won't have to take time out of rehearsals.
He says he'd be very grateful if you would print out the poster and stick it up on the noticeboard where you work.
Or anywhere else, come to that...
