Now that our trip to TheatreLand is over, Wilson has settled down with the art books I lent him as a reward for washing the car.
He is very impressed by the work of French artist Yves Klein and the Color Field Painters, asking me many questions about them and their work.
I can't remember if any of these books contains details of the trick Klein played on visitors to his 1958 Exhibition, The Void — I really hope not!
Meanwhile, Polly keeps practicing the Bend and Snap — much to Billi's delight...
Perhaps the highlight of our day in Theatreland came after the performance, when everyone got to meet Ms Julia, the show's choreographer!
Polly later sighed, 'Oh, if only I had the hind metatarsi to wear cropped pants like Ms Julia's...'
As we drove home — with Polly and Billi now on the back seat instead of in the boot — we all sang 'Omigod, you guys!' until our throats hurt...
As usual, Wilson insisted on entering the auditorium the moment the doors were unlocked.
Our seats were reserved, so there was no rush to get a good view, but he told me he didn't want the Bees to miss a moment of the pre-show atmosphere!
Polly and Billi claimed they had never been to the theatre before... but they were extremely well prepared for the performance, having come equipped with a programme, a box of honey-filled chocolates and tiny little opera glasses.
After the show, everyone kept shouting, 'Omigod, you guys!' and running around re-creating the dance routines.
Billi even told me that she was now considering a career in Law!
Yesterday I took Wilson to Gravesend to see a musical put on by his friend Ms Julia!
It was our first proper outing in the Juke — or the Jukey-Wukey as Wilson insists on calling it.
The journey was very enjoyable — the hedgerows were green with the arrival of Spring and the blackthorn was in flower — if you discount Wilson's constant cries of, 'Faster, New Dad! FASTER!' He seems to think this vehicle is less Nissan, more Formula 1 Ferrari.
However, just before we arrived at the theatre the car started making a funny buzzing noise.
I pulled in to a lay-by to check everything was okay, and discovered Polly and Billi hiding in the boot [trunk] giggling. They said they had stowed away in order to see Legally Blonde — The Musical with us.
It's very difficult to be cross with two bees who are thoroughly overexcited and can't stop giggling...
Hello — we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our Guest Blog!
Still no news about Uncle Zoltan — not even a postcard — but wonderful news about dangerous pesticides that kill bees!
However, Billi (who is the more political one in this marriage) says that since the UK is in the process of leaving the EU and implementing the Great Repeal Bill, we'll probably all get poisoned by pesticides after all. :(
She also says that if we bees go, you'll be next — and that's not an April Fools' Joke!
Here's the link to the story: https://tinyurl.com/k34zv3w
Anyway, we've both got our tarsi crossed for Ms Johanna Konta in this afternoon's Miami Open Final!
Ms Konta lives in Eastbourne, which is only a few days' flying time from Uckfield, although we've never actually met her.
Good Luck Ms Konta!
Tomorrow, Wilson is going to see Legally Blonde! We're a tiny bit jealous, so we might stow away in the new car and go too! Hahaha!
We've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month — until then, BEEEEE GOOD!
Today Wilson washed the car — which was very brave of him, considering his legendary dislike of water!
While he worked he kept his spirits up by singing a traditional car-washing song:
🎶At the car wash, baby
Talking about the car wash, yeah
Come on y'all and sing it for me
Car wash, woah, car wash yeah! 🎶
When he'd finished, he told me I shouldn't expect this to become a habit, as it was strictly a one-off.
He
made a very nice job of it — shiny and streak-free — so as a reward
I've lent him some of my History of Modern Art books... once he'd
thoroughly dried himself off.
Also, I made him swear to me he would never get the new car sign-written.
I've just found Wilson drawing moustaches and various other facial accessories on the TV using the special Glass Marker he borrowed from the Bees.
He's given Nigel Farage (or Nigel Farrago as W wittily calls him) the full works.
I asked why he hadn't done President Trump, and he told me that he's too scared to get close to the screen when 'that man' is on.
That's fair enough — I feel pretty much the same.
However, I have confiscated the marker, and returned it to Polly.
I just hope he can get the drawings off the screen before I settle down to watch Person Of Interest and Broadchurch this evening...
Today I gave Wilson a little history lesson:
WHEN THE MODE OF THE MUSIC CHANGES, THE WALLS OF THE CITY SHAKE!
It
may be 20 years ago today that Sgt Pepper taught the band to play, but
it is now exactly FIFTY years since I headed up to Alexandra Palace for
the 14 HOUR TECHNICOLOUR DREAM — the International Times' benefit event...
1967
was the Summer of Love, when we wore kaftans with flowers in our hair
and bells round our necks, the year of Flower Children and Hippies, the
year we believed Love was All We Needed, the year we thought we could
change the world, when we Made Love Not War, a time of hope, a time when
anything seemed possible...
__________
As a footnote, in 1967
£1 was a LOT of money to pay for a gig ticket. In this case, it was
worth every (old) penny — although I think I got my ticket for 15/-
(75p) by buying it in person from the promoter, Harvey Goldsmith, with
whom I worked at the time.
Wilson woke me just after dawn this morning, sticking his head round my bedroom door and shouting, 'Wake up, New Dad! Wake up! I've got a surprise for you!'
I pulled on my jeans and a T-shirt, and as he hustled me downstairs W explained that because he didn't want me to feel left out by Mothers' Day yesterday, he'd bought me a special present which he knew I really wanted.
Opening the front door, I immediately noticed that our car was missing... replaced by a brand new Nissan Juke!
He grinned at me, and said, 'Don't worry — it's all paid for. Um... one way or another.'
'VISA?' I asked, and he nodded.
I frowned and asked him, 'Have you stolen my identity?'
He looked shocked.
'New Dad — how could you even THINK that of me?' he replied. 'I merely borrowed it for the deposit and the finance. And the insurance, of course.'
Deftly changing the subject, he continued, 'I was going to buy you a yellow one, but I always think a yellow car just screams "Mid-Life Crisis" don't you agree?'
By a cruel irony of fate, on the very day that British Summer Time [Daylight Saving] begins, the battery in Wilson's famous WASTE* MkII self-adjusting clock failed, and he had to not only manually re-set the hands to Summer Time, but also change the battery.
To compound his misery, he had forgotten to send his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, a Mothers' Day Card, so he tried to telephone her at the zoo.
When the phone was answered, I heard Wilson say, 'Hello? Is that... Mr Barry White? Oh. You sound just like him!'
The phone had been answered, he later told me, by a strange, male anteater who identified himself as Mrs Vermilingua's Significant Other.
This person said that Mrs V was unable to come to the phone as she was giving birth to some more pups at the moment, so Wilson just left a message.
'That was probably the latest Dad!' he remarked, matter-of-factly — 'My Mum, Mrs V, would really go for a voice like that!'
________________
*Winter And Summer Timekeeping Equipment
Just in the nick of time, Wilson has prepared the latest page of his Calendar part-work: APRIL 2017!
The picture shows Wilson relaxing while dreaming about the crop in his Tomato Farm growing, flowering, fruiting, ripening and generally taking care of itself.
🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅
Oh, if only it had turned out like that...
Mole keeps wandering round in the new glasses Billi has given him, asking, 'What's that?' about things he's never been able to see before.
Things like the TV, the armchair, me, the huge red thing on the end of Wilson's nose etc.
Wilson is wearing his Red Nose while watching Sara Cox's 24-hour 80s Dance Marathon on TV. I'm pretty sure he fancies Sarah Cox, because he can't take his eyes off the screen while she's on, and he blushes whenever I mention her name!
The comedic but charitable nose is quite uncomfortable, but W told me that he's wearing it for Miss Sara: 'If she can dance for 24 hours,' he said, 'this is the least I can do in return!'
Meanwhile the Johnson Brothers, whose probosces are too tiny to wear prosthetic noses, played football with some spares left over from previous Red Nose Days.
I asked W how the April instalment of his Calendar part-work was coming along — he said not to worry, he'd get round to it as soon as Ms Sara's Dance-a-thon ended.
Mole has told Polly that thinks he might like a pair of glasses Like Billi's, on account of hardly being able to see anything at all.
Once he'd tried Billi's on he said he thinks they may help him look for Uncle Z.
Even though the investigation into Uncle Z's disappearance has now been officially declared a Cold Case, he says it might be a good idea to keep looking on a casual basis, 'Just in case'.
Polly agreed, and gave him her CSI baseball cap, declaring him to be an Official Bounty Hunter.
Wilson is a tiny bit miffed that he didn't get a CSI Baseball Cap too, but he made off with his Cold Case Series 1 Box Set and special marker for writing on glass before anyone changed their minds about them.
Johnson Major is finding it quite a struggle to wipe the Evidence Wall clean — I'm afraid there may be the wrong sort of Incident if that glass Evidence Wall falls over and crushes someone...
Today is International Happiness Day* but the atmosphere Chez Wilson would be more suited to International Melancholy Day, for it is now one month since Uncle Zoltan disappeared without trace.
Billi fears Uncle Zoltan may have travelled to the fabled 'Hornets' Graveyard' — where elderly hornets go to die. Without a doubt, Uncle Z is elderly (he's 56, which for a hornet is beyond ancient) so this seems a tragic but plausible explanation.
The Bees have somehow obtained tiny CSI baseball caps (which make it quite difficult for them to see) but even with these new investigative accessories, I fear this inquiry is now a Cold Case.
Wilson asked Polly whether, since Uncle Z was now officially a Lost Cause, he could borrow the Without A Trace box-set. Oh, and the special pen for writing on glass.
Telling me about yesterday's picnic, he said it went pretty well, although Antony kept making sinister remarks about what happened in the film, Picnic At Hanging Rock which rather spoiled TT's appetite...
_____
* I can only wonder who's idea it was to schedule International Happiness Day on a Monday...
I think the constant talk of Uncle Z's disappearance is getting Wilson down, so this morning he announced that he was going out for a picnic, and anyone who wanted to join him was welcome.
At the top of Mallard Drive, next to the Highlands roundabout, there is an area apparently called Chestnut Ridge, where some landscaping work seems to have been abandoned half-way through.
At the moment it looks a bit of an eyesore, but Wilson reasoned that, if whoever is responsible for it saw people using it and enjoying themselves there, it would encourage them to get the work finished.
Accordingly, he packed his picnic basket with ant-based comestibles and headed off — accompanied by Antony, Tiny Toy, Dave the Pig, Neil the Sloth and Mole the Mole.
I didn't go because I think it's still a bit cold for alfresco dining... and I'm really trying to reduce my ant consumption. To zero. 😕
Now the Bees have acknowledged that they can expect no help from the Authorities in tracking down their missing relative, they have erected their glass Evidence Wall — converting the dining room into what we must apparently now refer to as The Incident Room.
Lacking the facilities for Tarsal Pad-printing and DNA analysis, their only technical aids are Wilson's magnifying glass, a marker for writing on their Evidence Wall and a box set of Without A Trace (Season 1) for reference and training purposes.
Wilson popped in to see what was occurring, but complained that he couldn't read the Bees' writing on the Evidence Wall because it looked 'all sort of backwards'...
Polly has telephoned Missing Persons to report Uncle Zoltan missing.
She stood at one end of the phone shouting into the mouthpiece, while Billi sat listening by the earpiece, conveying the operator's answers back to Polly.
At first the operator said the line was too bad — 'all sort of buzzy' — but with perseverance Polly finally made herself understood.
After she had been given Uncle Z's description, the operator said, 'If this is a problem with Hornets, I really think you want Rentokil!' and hung up!
So, it looks like we're on our own in our mission to locate the absent Uncle...
Wilson has somehow learned that this year Angel Delight* turns 50 years old — so naturally he has organised an Angel Delight party.
Once he had tasted it, he announced that Angel Delight is definitely the way forward, Dessert-wise, and he's resolved to write to Premier Foods to compliment them on this outstanding product.
And to suggest they make an Ant Flavour version.
The party passed off smoothly, apart from an unfortunate incident when Tiny Toy accidentally(?) fell into the bowl. He was rescued safely, though the level in the dish had fallen a few millimeters by the time he emerged from the sticky pudding...
Once the bowl was licked clean, W remarked that the Bees (who were unable to attend due to the search for Uncle Z) are acting like Thelma and Louise.
I think he means Cagney and Lacey...
_____
* Angel Delight has been voted the nation's favourite childhood dish — unfortunately I don't think you can buy it outside the UK. ☹️
As the evening drew in and darkness fell, both the sTone brothers looked increasingly morose as they stoically guarded the scene of Uncle Z's last sighting.
sTony remarked that he had once considered a career in Law Enforcement, but he had imagined it would be more exciting than standing motionless with a length of Crime Tape tied round his handle — altogether more Harry Bosch, less Traffic Cone...
Once the Witness Statements were completed, the Bees sealed off the Hedgehog Gate with Scene Of Crime tape, admonishing the sTone Brothers not to let anyone 'Compromise the scene' before the Forensic Examination was completed.
They then headed off into the village to buy a sheet of glass to use as their Evidence Wall — they certainly take it all in when they watch CSI or re-runs of The Bill!
