Today Wilson washed the car — which was very brave of him, considering his legendary dislike of water!
While he worked he kept his spirits up by singing a traditional car-washing song:
🎶At the car wash, baby
Talking about the car wash, yeah
Come on y'all and sing it for me
Car wash, woah, car wash yeah! 🎶
When he'd finished, he told me I shouldn't expect this to become a habit, as it was strictly a one-off.
He
made a very nice job of it — shiny and streak-free — so as a reward
I've lent him some of my History of Modern Art books... once he'd
thoroughly dried himself off.
Also, I made him swear to me he would never get the new car sign-written.
I've just found Wilson drawing moustaches and various other facial accessories on the TV using the special Glass Marker he borrowed from the Bees.
He's given Nigel Farage (or Nigel Farrago as W wittily calls him) the full works.
I asked why he hadn't done President Trump, and he told me that he's too scared to get close to the screen when 'that man' is on.
That's fair enough — I feel pretty much the same.
However, I have confiscated the marker, and returned it to Polly.
I just hope he can get the drawings off the screen before I settle down to watch Person Of Interest and Broadchurch this evening...
Today I gave Wilson a little history lesson:
WHEN THE MODE OF THE MUSIC CHANGES, THE WALLS OF THE CITY SHAKE!
It
may be 20 years ago today that Sgt Pepper taught the band to play, but
it is now exactly FIFTY years since I headed up to Alexandra Palace for
the 14 HOUR TECHNICOLOUR DREAM — the International Times' benefit event...
1967
was the Summer of Love, when we wore kaftans with flowers in our hair
and bells round our necks, the year of Flower Children and Hippies, the
year we believed Love was All We Needed, the year we thought we could
change the world, when we Made Love Not War, a time of hope, a time when
anything seemed possible...
__________
As a footnote, in 1967
£1 was a LOT of money to pay for a gig ticket. In this case, it was
worth every (old) penny — although I think I got my ticket for 15/-
(75p) by buying it in person from the promoter, Harvey Goldsmith, with
whom I worked at the time.
Wilson woke me just after dawn this morning, sticking his head round my bedroom door and shouting, 'Wake up, New Dad! Wake up! I've got a surprise for you!'
I pulled on my jeans and a T-shirt, and as he hustled me downstairs W explained that because he didn't want me to feel left out by Mothers' Day yesterday, he'd bought me a special present which he knew I really wanted.
Opening the front door, I immediately noticed that our car was missing... replaced by a brand new Nissan Juke!
He grinned at me, and said, 'Don't worry — it's all paid for. Um... one way or another.'
'VISA?' I asked, and he nodded.
I frowned and asked him, 'Have you stolen my identity?'
He looked shocked.
'New Dad — how could you even THINK that of me?' he replied. 'I merely borrowed it for the deposit and the finance. And the insurance, of course.'
Deftly changing the subject, he continued, 'I was going to buy you a yellow one, but I always think a yellow car just screams "Mid-Life Crisis" don't you agree?'
By a cruel irony of fate, on the very day that British Summer Time [Daylight Saving] begins, the battery in Wilson's famous WASTE* MkII self-adjusting clock failed, and he had to not only manually re-set the hands to Summer Time, but also change the battery.
To compound his misery, he had forgotten to send his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, a Mothers' Day Card, so he tried to telephone her at the zoo.
When the phone was answered, I heard Wilson say, 'Hello? Is that... Mr Barry White? Oh. You sound just like him!'
The phone had been answered, he later told me, by a strange, male anteater who identified himself as Mrs Vermilingua's Significant Other.
This person said that Mrs V was unable to come to the phone as she was giving birth to some more pups at the moment, so Wilson just left a message.
'That was probably the latest Dad!' he remarked, matter-of-factly — 'My Mum, Mrs V, would really go for a voice like that!'
________________
*Winter And Summer Timekeeping Equipment
Just in the nick of time, Wilson has prepared the latest page of his Calendar part-work: APRIL 2017!
The picture shows Wilson relaxing while dreaming about the crop in his Tomato Farm growing, flowering, fruiting, ripening and generally taking care of itself.
🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅
Oh, if only it had turned out like that...
Mole keeps wandering round in the new glasses Billi has given him, asking, 'What's that?' about things he's never been able to see before.
Things like the TV, the armchair, me, the huge red thing on the end of Wilson's nose etc.
Wilson is wearing his Red Nose while watching Sara Cox's 24-hour 80s Dance Marathon on TV. I'm pretty sure he fancies Sarah Cox, because he can't take his eyes off the screen while she's on, and he blushes whenever I mention her name!
The comedic but charitable nose is quite uncomfortable, but W told me that he's wearing it for Miss Sara: 'If she can dance for 24 hours,' he said, 'this is the least I can do in return!'
Meanwhile the Johnson Brothers, whose probosces are too tiny to wear prosthetic noses, played football with some spares left over from previous Red Nose Days.
I asked W how the April instalment of his Calendar part-work was coming along — he said not to worry, he'd get round to it as soon as Ms Sara's Dance-a-thon ended.
Mole has told Polly that thinks he might like a pair of glasses Like Billi's, on account of hardly being able to see anything at all.
Once he'd tried Billi's on he said he thinks they may help him look for Uncle Z.
Even though the investigation into Uncle Z's disappearance has now been officially declared a Cold Case, he says it might be a good idea to keep looking on a casual basis, 'Just in case'.
Polly agreed, and gave him her CSI baseball cap, declaring him to be an Official Bounty Hunter.
Wilson is a tiny bit miffed that he didn't get a CSI Baseball Cap too, but he made off with his Cold Case Series 1 Box Set and special marker for writing on glass before anyone changed their minds about them.
Johnson Major is finding it quite a struggle to wipe the Evidence Wall clean — I'm afraid there may be the wrong sort of Incident if that glass Evidence Wall falls over and crushes someone...
Today is International Happiness Day* but the atmosphere Chez Wilson would be more suited to International Melancholy Day, for it is now one month since Uncle Zoltan disappeared without trace.
Billi fears Uncle Zoltan may have travelled to the fabled 'Hornets' Graveyard' — where elderly hornets go to die. Without a doubt, Uncle Z is elderly (he's 56, which for a hornet is beyond ancient) so this seems a tragic but plausible explanation.
The Bees have somehow obtained tiny CSI baseball caps (which make it quite difficult for them to see) but even with these new investigative accessories, I fear this inquiry is now a Cold Case.
Wilson asked Polly whether, since Uncle Z was now officially a Lost Cause, he could borrow the Without A Trace box-set. Oh, and the special pen for writing on glass.
Telling me about yesterday's picnic, he said it went pretty well, although Antony kept making sinister remarks about what happened in the film, Picnic At Hanging Rock which rather spoiled TT's appetite...
_____
* I can only wonder who's idea it was to schedule International Happiness Day on a Monday...
I think the constant talk of Uncle Z's disappearance is getting Wilson down, so this morning he announced that he was going out for a picnic, and anyone who wanted to join him was welcome.
At the top of Mallard Drive, next to the Highlands roundabout, there is an area apparently called Chestnut Ridge, where some landscaping work seems to have been abandoned half-way through.
At the moment it looks a bit of an eyesore, but Wilson reasoned that, if whoever is responsible for it saw people using it and enjoying themselves there, it would encourage them to get the work finished.
Accordingly, he packed his picnic basket with ant-based comestibles and headed off — accompanied by Antony, Tiny Toy, Dave the Pig, Neil the Sloth and Mole the Mole.
I didn't go because I think it's still a bit cold for alfresco dining... and I'm really trying to reduce my ant consumption. To zero. 😕
Now the Bees have acknowledged that they can expect no help from the Authorities in tracking down their missing relative, they have erected their glass Evidence Wall — converting the dining room into what we must apparently now refer to as The Incident Room.
Lacking the facilities for Tarsal Pad-printing and DNA analysis, their only technical aids are Wilson's magnifying glass, a marker for writing on their Evidence Wall and a box set of Without A Trace (Season 1) for reference and training purposes.
Wilson popped in to see what was occurring, but complained that he couldn't read the Bees' writing on the Evidence Wall because it looked 'all sort of backwards'...
Polly has telephoned Missing Persons to report Uncle Zoltan missing.
She stood at one end of the phone shouting into the mouthpiece, while Billi sat listening by the earpiece, conveying the operator's answers back to Polly.
At first the operator said the line was too bad — 'all sort of buzzy' — but with perseverance Polly finally made herself understood.
After she had been given Uncle Z's description, the operator said, 'If this is a problem with Hornets, I really think you want Rentokil!' and hung up!
So, it looks like we're on our own in our mission to locate the absent Uncle...
Wilson has somehow learned that this year Angel Delight* turns 50 years old — so naturally he has organised an Angel Delight party.
Once he had tasted it, he announced that Angel Delight is definitely the way forward, Dessert-wise, and he's resolved to write to Premier Foods to compliment them on this outstanding product.
And to suggest they make an Ant Flavour version.
The party passed off smoothly, apart from an unfortunate incident when Tiny Toy accidentally(?) fell into the bowl. He was rescued safely, though the level in the dish had fallen a few millimeters by the time he emerged from the sticky pudding...
Once the bowl was licked clean, W remarked that the Bees (who were unable to attend due to the search for Uncle Z) are acting like Thelma and Louise.
I think he means Cagney and Lacey...
_____
* Angel Delight has been voted the nation's favourite childhood dish — unfortunately I don't think you can buy it outside the UK. ☹️
As the evening drew in and darkness fell, both the sTone brothers looked increasingly morose as they stoically guarded the scene of Uncle Z's last sighting.
sTony remarked that he had once considered a career in Law Enforcement, but he had imagined it would be more exciting than standing motionless with a length of Crime Tape tied round his handle — altogether more Harry Bosch, less Traffic Cone...
Once the Witness Statements were completed, the Bees sealed off the Hedgehog Gate with Scene Of Crime tape, admonishing the sTone Brothers not to let anyone 'Compromise the scene' before the Forensic Examination was completed.
They then headed off into the village to buy a sheet of glass to use as their Evidence Wall — they certainly take it all in when they watch CSI or re-runs of The Bill!
Taking Wilson's advice, the Bees headed out into the garden to interview any possible Eye Witnesses to Uncle Zoltan's disappearance.
First on their list were the sTone Brothers.
When questioned, sTony admitted that sToneye had seen Uncle Z leaving through a hole in the fence, carrying a small bundle tied in a red spotted handkerchief hanging from a stick over his shoulder — they hadn't mentioned it before because neither of them was aware of Uncle Z's disappearance.
Billi noted this down carefully in a notebook, while Polly searched in the mud for tarsal pad prints, using a magnifying glass loaned to her by Wilson.
Wilson is in the kitchen replenishing his supplies of Very Special Old Reserve Ant Wine.
As a concession to the Bees, he has agreed to donate a (tiny and unspecified) portion of the proceeds of the sales* of his Very Special Old Reserve Ant Wine to fund a reward for the safe return of Uncle Zoltan, of whom there is still no news.
W finds Polly's and Billi's 'constant harping' about Uncle Z a bit off-putting, so to divest himself of their company he has said that, as a Professional Consulting Detective, his advice would be to collect some witness statements.
The Bees thanked him for his suggestion and left, leaving Wilson to get on with decanting his Ant Vinegar into new bottles.
_____
* I say 'sales' but who in their right mind would buy this stuff? After it has 'matured' for a couple of days, Wilson always ends up drinking it himself...
Driving home from the Nissan Dealership, Wilson mused, 'I wonder whether there'd be any discount for the Ant King of Uckfield 2017?'
Then he proceeded to list, in great detail, the many ways in which the Juke surpassed our ageing Ford in wonderfulness and its abundance of gadgets.
I pointed out that the trade-in value of our current car would be massively reduced by the fact that it had signwriting all over it.
W countered this by saying it would be the perfect vehicle for someone who wanted to start a coffee delivery service.
I would have thought the chances of finding such a person and persuading him or her to buy a second-hand car would be vanishingly small, but W assured me that you can sell almost anything on eBay...
Once Wilson had settled down with the first of his many cups of complementary coffee, he asked the salesman countless probing questions about the Juke — questions which he thought I might have been afraid to ask.
Questions such as:
Is it electric?
Is it self-driving?
Has it got an Ejector Seat?
Rocket Launchers?
An Invisibility Cloak?
and perhaps most important of all,
Will this car make my New Dad happy?
We made our way over to the showroom and introduced ourselves to the salesman, who asked whether we'd like a cup of tea or coffee.
I said I'd really like a double espresso, but when I turned to see what Wilson wanted, I found he'd left my side and was running out the door! Calling over his shoulder, he shouted: 'I'll be back in a minute! Well, not more than an hour or two, anyway. Probably.' and he was gone.
This left me in a rather embarrassing position, as I had no idea of the purpose of this meeting — but the salesman returned a moment later with my coffee, and showed me a Juke that was parked in the showroom, pointing out its beautiful lines and cleverly concealed rear doors.
After he had demonstrated the Keyless Entry system I sat in the driver's seat while he explained the automatic headlights and the all-round parking-assist cameras. I must admit, it was very impressive!
Finally Wilson returned, wearing his crown and a smile, proudly carrying his jam-jar containing a single ant.
'Did someone mention coffee? he enquired.
