At the far end of the car park, just by the entrance to the Fun Fair, there is a model of The Needles Lighthouse, and Wilson insisted on being photographed standing next to it.
He was a tiny bit uneasy because a big seagull on top of it kept eyeing his ice cream, and gulls have had a lot of bad press recently about stealing food from tourists.
He returned the seagull's stare, though, and the bird left him alone — he probably realised that he'd met his match in W!
Okay, now that Wilson has been photographed, off to take the Chair Lift to the beach at the foot of the cliff and the boat out to the real lighthouse!
We took a slow stroll down from the bunker to the cliff's edge, from where there is a wonderful view of The Needles rocks and lighthouse.
As we walked, Wilson questioned me about the new kitchen and I was able to reassure him on every count, so by the time we reached the end of the path he was cheerful and looking forward to seeing the remodelled room.
'Okay, New Dad,' he asked me after briefly surveying the panoramic vista, 'what's next?'
I told him that we would go back down to car park from where we would take the Chair Lift down to the beach, then have a boat ride out to the lighthouse, then come back up in the Chair Lift to visit the Fun Fair.
As long as he doesn't get splashed boarding the boat, I think he'll love it!
We were on our way to see the life-sized replica of the first British Satellite (the one that was successfully put into orbit two days before the Government cancelled the programme because they didn't think satellites had any commercial or military value) and the launch control room, when I noticed Wilson checking his iPhone.
'Have you got any signal down here?' I asked.
In reply he shouted, 'Nooooooooo!' and ran up the stairs and out through the Emergency Exit.
I set off in pursuit, and as soon as I caught up with him asked him what the problem was. It seems he'd just seen The Bees' Guest Blog and noticed what had happened to his kitchen!
'I didn't mean for you to find out like this,' I told him. 'I should have discussed it with you earlier… but I'm having the kitchen completely made-over while we're away. As a surprise!'
'It's certainly a surprise!' he replied irascibly, 'But what about my ants? What if the kitchen installeration men eat them… or let them escape?'
He calmed down after I assured him that I'd left special instructions about the ants, adding that the Bees, Polly and Billi, were looking after them, but he said he didn't want to go back into the bunker as he needed air and time to think…
Remember you can join the Wilson Vermilingua Appreciation Society, completely free, at:
http://tinyurl.com/ppmw78q
And you can join in the conversation with Wilson over on Twitter: @WVermilingua
BEES' GUEST BLOG
Hello everyone, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog!
First of all, please excuse the mess in the kitchen!
We'd hoped to bring you some brilliant bee-related news today about a set of Bee Postage Stamps from The Post Office, and the inauguration of World Bee Day… but we do understand that what you must all be worried about is the Big Hole in the ceiling!
We shouted through the hole to the Wasps and asked them to leave, but they ignored us. Then we had a visit from Uncle Zoltan, who offered to go into their nest and talk to them.
Uncle Z bravely flew through the Big Hole in the ceiling and entered the Wasps' nest, where had a chat with them.
He explained that when he was a young bee, barely out of his pupa-hood, he had been engaged to be married. Then at the altar, his fiancée had jilted him. Since then (until he moved in with us) he lived alone in a grand but now ruined bee hive, surrounded by the finery and food of the wedding feast… and the un-cut wedding cake.
Then he revealed a secret that even we had never known — his bride-to-be had been a WASP!
The Wasps were aghast at this news — that one of their own had ruined this elderly bee's life — and to make amends they did as he asked and moved out of the loft.
So, problem solved… except for the Big Hole in the ceiling, obviously!
We're The Bees and we'll see you again next month!
Beeeeeeeeeeeee good!
Once we entered the chilly atmosphere of the bare concrete bunker, Wilson shivered and said he now understood why it was called the 'Cold War.'
The first thing we saw was a Black Knight Rocket, and W was full of questions:
W: 'Might it go off while were here?'
Me: 'No, absolutely not!'
W: 'Even if I accidentally knock it over?'
Me: 'Make sure you don't accidentally knock it over, or we'll both be in trouble!'
W: 'I expected it to be bigger!'
Me: 'This is just an eighth-scale model — the real rockets were WAY bigger than this!'
W: 'Why is it called a "Black Knight" when it's red and green? Does it just go BANG, or do coloured stars fly out the end like on Bonfire Night? Can you get Cold War Roman Candles and Catherine Wheels?'
Me: 'Let's have a look at this thing over here…'
Tomorrow is the first of the month, so The Bees, Polly and Billi, will be guesting on the blog. Find out what 'this thing over here' is the following day!
As we descended into the Top Secret Underground Bunker from where the Cold War rocket tests were controlled, Wilson was very excited.
There were enough other people about that he wasn't at all scared by the gloomy corners, and he was buoyed up by the thought of seeing something Top Secret he could tell everyone about when he got back!
I, on the other hand, couldn't stop worrying about the 'big hole in the ceiling' back at home. I shall try very hard to stop brooding over it, though — the house is fully insured, after all.
Wilson was still a bit unsettled by his odyssey through the dark tunnels when we sat down with our Lattes and Carrot Cake in the wartime-themed café.
He took his coffee back over to the counter and asked if he could have some ant sprinkles on it, and without missing a beat the assistant replied, 'I'm sorry, ant sprinkles are still on ration — don'tcha know there's a war on?'
He had just started to relax when an email arrived, and this time it was MY turn to be upset.
Wilson consulted his iPhone and read the message aloud to me: 'It's from The Bees, New Dad — they say that the wasps have gone, though now there's a big hole in the ceiling. But not to worry, everything is alright. Apart from the hole, obviously.'
Turning his phone off, he gave me what I can only imagine was meant to be a reassuring smile.
We finished our coffees and set off to the Secret Rocket Testing Range.
After what seemed a very long time (I think I must have caught some of Wilson's unease!) we saw daylight ahead, and emerged into what I suppose was an Observation Post, empty but for a huge military searchlight.
There was a magnificent view of the jagged Needles rocks and of the lighthouse which guarded them. We spent some time admiring the vista and watching the seagulls wheel and glide effortlessly through the clear blue sky, and W played with the searchlight for a bit.
Then when we'd seen enough, Wilson asked where the exit was. His face fell as I said we'd have to go back the way we'd come.
He remarked it was a shame Dennis couldn't be with us, as he was very interested in tunnels and history… and probably wasn't scared of the dark…
As we descended into the darkness, I could sense in Wilson a growing unease, and as we stood at the foot of the stairs waiting for our eyes to grow used to the dim light, he remarked that he was very glad Antony and TT had not accompanied us.
'They're not as brave as me,' he explained as he slipped his paw into my hand and gripped it tightly.
I think the difference between these tunnels and Ironbridge's famous Tar Tunnel is that, where that was a single straight structure, here there are many turns and corners where a bogeyman might hide before jumping out at him.
Walking through the descending shaft, W sang tunelessly under his breath The Jam song 'Going Underground' — perhaps in an effort to control his nerves, or maybe to drown out the echoing sounds of distant voices and footsteps that ricocheted eerily off the walls…
Wilson is a vegetarian and a pacifist — 'I'm a Lover, New Dad, not a Fighter!' he sometimes tells me, apropos of nothing at all.
But like many small boys he is also very interested in guns, and on our way to the tunnels this ancient cast-iron cannon caught his eye.
He spent a few minutes examining it closely and climbing all over it (narrowly avoiding getting his head stuck in the barrel and a claw trapped in the touch-hole) before we again headed towards the tunnels.
Following our recent chat about diabetes, he confided that he has decided to donate all his left-over rock and sweets to The Bees.
This is good news as they are constitutionally suited to eating sugar. Also, they will guard it fiercely — thus preventing me from eating any when I know I shouldn't!
Now, having reached the tunnel entrance, Wilson led the way down a narrow iron spiral staircase into the depths of the earth; from brilliant sunshine, we were suddenly engulfed in darkness…
Once we arrived at The Needles we headed first for the Old Battery.
Wilson said he didn't see the point of OLD batteries, and couldn't we have NEW batteries instead, but in fact, as I explained to him, The Battery is a Victorian Fort looking out over the Solent.
It was used in both World Wars, and has a museum showing how the first soldiers lived there, and some remnants of WW2… including the Secret Rocket Testing Range!
Also, there are tunnels leading down through the cliffs to a lookout post right by the lighthouse… and there is little that Wilson enjoys more than a good tunnel. He STILL talks about our visit to The Tar Tunnel in Ironbridge, and that was years ago!
I think we'll start off in the tunnels…
Today we are on our way to The Needles — this is a brilliant place and Wilson will LOVE it there!
• There's a lighthouse on huge jagged rocks, and you can take a boat out there for a really close look;
• An exciting 'ski-lift' to carry you down to the beach;
• A rocket testing base you can go inside;
• Coloured sand you can make into your own souvenirs;
• And a fairground!
I can't decide which he'll love most!
But first a holiday tradition must be performed, where W chooses a new
Bucket and Spade set.
At home the spare bedroom is half-full of previous
holidays' Bucket and Spades, but W 'needs' a new set for the Isle of
Wight.
Several of Wilson's friends have have been in touch with me expressing concern about his level of sugar consumption, because anteaters are vulnerable to diabetes.
Over our drink we had a serious talk about this, and he's agreed to cut down. When we finished, he said, 'You'll be telling me next that Gin isn't good for me, New Dad! Hahaha!'
This seemed to be an ideal opportunity for a discussion about reducing his alcohol intake… but we were interrupted by a train-whistle sound from his iPhone.
W picked it up and found an email marked URGENT. 'It's from The Bees, New Dad.' he told be. 'They say that the loft has been invaded by Wasps, but not to worry because they've got everything under control.'
Hmm. I think it's inevitable that I should worry a little bit...
We arrived back at the hotel just as darkness began to fall. All the tables in the garden had little candles on them, and Wilson thought it would be lovely to sit outside in the cool evening air with our drinks.
I sent him off to choose a nice table while I ordered at the bar.
As he left, he remarked, 'I expect Dennis will be having a cocktail round about now, New Dad. Tonight, will you get me a Pimms Nº1 with lemonade — with extra cucumber and a little umbrella please!'
Wilson added that he could probably make me 'a bit urbane' too, although he thinks making me cool would be beyond even his skills. Nevertheless, he offered me 'Mates' Rates' if I wanted to enrol in his Finishing School and give it a try.
Once we reached Shanklin, he had me park in the village so he could pop back into the Rock Shop, as it seems that Antony and TT have finished off his supplies of rock and sweeties.
I know anteaters don't have any teeth, so there should be no dental problems from excessive candy consumption — I just hope they're proof against Type-2 Diabetes as well…
As we drove back to Shanklin, Wilson told me of his newly-formulated plan to open a Finishing School.
'Dennis gave me the idea, New Dad,' he explained, 'with his urbane mien and cool deportment. I would like to be urbane and cool myself, and I bet LOADS of other people would too, so there's a real Gap in the Market. As soon as I am urbane and cool, I shall fill that Gap!'
I hope that doesn't mean hordes of ill-behaved animals coming to the house… Still, I'm pleased that Wilson wants to improve himself — it will do wonders for his prospects when he grows up!
And I don't really mind coming second to an anteater in a zoo as a role model — it helps to keep me in my place...
Once we reached the Gift Shop, Wilson considered buying a souvenir toy anteater. I think he really wanted to, but eventually decided against it, thinking Antony's feelings might be hurt by a newcomer usurping his place as Largest Toy Anteater.
As we ate our cakes, Wilson was all, 'Dennis this… Dennis that… what Dennis thinks is…!'
Apparently Dennis serves only Lapsang Souchong, which Wilson thinks is way cooler than Happy Shopper, and thinks he might start serving Lapsang Souchong too when we get home... from a teapot, no less!
He also remarked on the size of Dennis's nose. I told him not to feel inadequate, but W says he's always felt embarrassed about the size of his own nose, and was happy to know someone with an even bigger sniffer who nevertheless still felt able to act cool and urbane!
As we were leaving W spotted one of the shop assistants taking a toy anteater — the very same one he'd nearly bought — out into the sunshine and giving her a Diet Coke. Now he knows that they are well cared for at the shop, he feels much better about leaving her there.
I begged Wilson not to, but he scaled the wall into the Giant Anteater's enclosure, jumped down on the other side… and waited.
In the tense silence, the revving of a distant motorbike engine seemed unnaturally loud.
Eventually we heard something pushing through the dry grasses and the Giant Anteater appeared. Up close, standing next to Wilson, he looked enormous! He strode straight up to W… and introduced himself, saying, 'Hello old chap, I'm Dennis — delighted to meet you!'
Wilson introduced himself. They briefly rubbed noses before Dennis offered to show him round what he referred to as his 'Estate' and they strolled off together.
After a few minutes they passed me again, still deep in conversation; then I noticed them going in to Dennis's little house.
Half an hour later they emerged and said their goodbyes. Wilson climbed out of the compound and we left.
'Well?' I asked, 'How did you get on?'
'What a Dude!' W replied. 'He's way cool! I think I've got a role-model now for when I date ladies, 'cos he's well smooth!'
After consulting W's map of the zoo we made our way to the Gift Shop.
As we walked along, I noticed that he was avoiding stepping on the cracks in the path.
Leaving the Anteater House we made our way to see the Giant Anteater who, unlike the Tamanduas, lived outside.
Wilson's Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, had always told him to keep away from Giant Anteaters, but he thinks that was just because she thought they'd beat him up and steal his ants. With this one living in an enclosure, W figured he'd be okay, and that it would be rude not to even say Hello.
As we followed Wilson's little Zoo Map, he remarked that he thought he might try being nocturnal himself and staying up all night himself. I pointed out that when we went out, everywhere would be closed... and that Overnight TV is even worse than Daytime TV.
W then told me that having a girlfriend who spoke no English AND WASHED was totally out of the question. The relationship would be doomed even if the aggressively protective Barios had let him see her.
'Think about it,' he said, 'I'd have to take that armadillo on our honeymoon with us just so I knew what she was talking about!'
Wilson then asked Barios the anteater if he lived there alone, but the armadillo, whose name was Eduardo, didn't bother translating the question, simply telling W, 'There's just him and his girlfriend.'
''What is your girlfriend's name?' W called, and the armadillo transliterated the anteater's angry reply, 'Barios, he say, "Why you want to know this? She is washing her fur now, and she KEEP ON washing her fur until you gone."'
W said that he'd just have liked to meet her while he was here, and Eduardo translated the shouted reply, 'He say his girlfriend is mucho faithful and the y be getting married as soon as her family can get Entry Visas for wedding.'
Eduardo then announced that he didn't wish to become any further involved in this awkward conversation, curled up and went to sleep.
I wish I could get off to sleep as easily as that — perhaps I should try curling up into a ball...
