The Authentic Smell of Great Literature

Wilson proceeded to demonstrate the versatility of his invention, pointing out that it would simulate the smell of old and new books, plus magazines, and that it would fit not only Kindles but also Nook, Kobo, Icarus, Omnia, Cybook and other e-readers.

'You can even stick it on a real book,' he said, 'if you don't think it smells bookey enough!'

Impressive though this was, I was curious about where he would obtain the 'essence' of books and magazines, but W said confidently that he had everything under control. 

Wilson invents another Boon to Mankind...

Wilson produced a Kindle and declared dramatically: 'This… is an e-book reader — it is the future of literature!'

'You're too late, dear,' Billi commented laconically, 'It's already been invented!'

W sniffed pointedly and continued, 'It is small, it is convenient, it is practical, and yet still it lacks a certain something. It smells of electronics; it doesn't smell like a book!'

Everyone waited expectantly — even I was impatient to see what came next.

'I have now solved this problem with — Ta-da! The Perfumed BookPatch! It's small, it's self-adhesive and it smells of books! You stick it on the back of your Kindle and Bob's Your Uncle, it's exactly like reading a real book!'

'Can we smell it?' Polly asked.

''Umm. Well, no. Not yet.' W replied. 'This is just a prototype. It doesn't smell of anything yet, but you're welcome to give it a sniff if you like?'

Wilson bravely puts his past failures behind him...

I suggested to Wilson that maybe he could assemble some more clocks, but he told me he's 'more of an Ideas Person' and better at delegating than doing. I left before he delegated me to clock-making duties.

A little while later he called everyone into the kitchen for an important announcement. 

Once we were all assembled he told us that he was very disappointed with the production figures for his new Mk2 WASTE clock, but had decided to put that behind him and move on. He would be putting the one completed clock on eBay with a starting bid of £250 to finance his new invention. With a dramatic flourish he then produced a magazine and asked us all to sniff it. 

It smelled strongly of VOC inks and recycled paper. 

Tiny Toy complained that it made him feel dizzy.

The Use of Meditation in Problem Solving

Wilson has a lot on his mind today and must make some difficult decisions.

Only one Mk2 WASTE clock has been completed and his workforce has scattered — the Bees are decorating the spare room in the hive ready for Uncle Zortan, Antony and TT are in the tumble dryer recovering from their holiday and the sTone Brothers, although well meaning, are not very good at assembling clocks, what with having no arms and being unable to move.

To help him make these hard choices W is meditating in the garden — the sunshine and fresh air are good for his brain.

At least, he told me he's meditating. 

Do meditation adepts snore during meditation?

Industrial Relations problem...

As soon as we arrived home Wilson shuffled into the kitchen to see how production of his Mk2 WASTE clock was progressing. 

He was not pleased when he found only one clock completed and his entire production line personnel missing — with the exception of sTony and sToneye, who were waiting patiently for someone to move them.

W demanded and explanation and sTony told him that after they'd converted the first clock no-one knew what to do next because the foreman had disappeared. 

'And who, pray, was the foreman?' W enquired.

'Oh, it was Tiny Toy,' sTony explained. 'We elected him foreman because we thought he wouldn't make us work too hard!'

A last (illicit) drink before the journey home...

I went upstairs to our room to search under the bed (a favourite hiding-place when they play Hide-and-Seek) but it was Wilson who discovered them, in the Residents' Lounge enjoying a last Mojito before the journey. 

Wilson helped them finish it before letting me know that they were found...

Missing without trace!

We were all in quite a sombre mood over breakfast, and later in our room as Wilson, the boys and I all packed our cases and made ready to leave the hotel and Bournemouth. 

We carried everything out to the car park and were preparing to load the car when W noticed something was missing — Antony and Tiny Toy had disappeared! 

They were both with us a moment before, but now they were nowhere to be seen...

Holidays all have to end...

Yesterday was the last day of our holiday. 

Over breakfast Wilson told me that he'd had a brilliant time and, although he didn't want the holiday to end, he was quite keen to get home and see how production of his Mk2 WASTE clock was coming along.

Antony said he'd had a good time too, while in a very tiny voice Tiny Toy timidly said that this had been the most exciting few days of his life.

Of course, TT doesn't get out much...

Co-piloting is harder than it looks!

Antony was feeling a bit overwhelmed by now, so we sat him in the restaurant with a Pepsi Max while Wilson and I climbed into another aircraft which he kindly consented to allow me to co-pilot for him. 

I clearly had no idea what I was doing, so he patiently explained what he thought some of the dials and switches were for.

Following this briefing he sat back in the pilot's seat and started making loud engine noises, interspersed with shouts of 'Ants at twelve o'clock, New Dad!', 'Watch our six, New Dad — bandits!' etc. 

It was very exciting, but we had to 'land' quite soon as Wilson was out of breath from making all the engine noises. 

Chocks Away!

Wilson called down to Antony, 'Pass me my bally helmet old chap, there's a good fellow!'

Then after wiggling what he called the 'beer lever' he shouted:

'Chocks away old boy, got to go and beat Anty so we can all be home before Xmas!'

'Flying is in my Blood!'

Once inside Wilson began telling Antony that 'Aviation is in my blood!' 

I've lost count of the times I've heard about W's Great, Great … Grandfather, the legendary Blue Baron of the Great Ant Wars of 1921, but I listened again as these tales were re-told to Antony. 

War heroes must be honoured, after all, and it's not as though there are any in my family that I know of...

Aircraft Museum!

Today is a day Wilson has been looking forward to since the start of the holiday: our visit to a local Aircraft Museum.

Wilson is seen here contemplating the admission charges and wondering whether he'll have to pay for Antony. 

Coincidentally, I was wondering whether I'd have to pay for W!

TT has an exam

Last night Wilson took his microscope to the restaurant so he could 'Check the food for microbes.' 

I was afraid there might be a scene with the chef, particularly as this was the first time W had used his microscope and he had no idea what a microbe looked like, so while we were waiting for our order to arrive I persuaded him to examine Tiny Toy through his instrument. 

After the meal W confided to me, out of Antony's hearing, that TT was not as well made as he'd expected and he might soon need some emergency needlework…

Wilson cheers up...

Bad news is never easy to hear, so I attempted to lift Wilson's mood by taking him to a nearby amusement arcade.

We had a game of Air Hockey (Antony insisted on sitting on the puck, so we couldn't play very hard) then W found a Sonic the Hedgehog ride, which is one of his favourites.

By the time we left the arcade everyone was in pretty good spirits again, although I suspect I've not heard the last of Towel Screening for Health and Profit!

Wilson asks for the truth...

Before heading back to the hotel we stopped off for a coffee, and Wilson asked me a question I found very difficult to answer: he asked me what I thought of his fledgling towel-screening business… and he asked me to tell him the truth. 

I told him as kindly as I could that I thought it was basically a good idea beset by practical difficulties, chiefly the cost of sending towels to him for testing, and the cost of returning them to their owners.  

W frowned and admitted that he too had been concerned about postage costs.

Without warning Antony suddenly announced, 'The truth? You can't handle the truth!' 

W and I turned to stare at him and he blushed, explaining, 'A Few Good Men. 1992. It's a very famous quote! Sorry...'

WIlson makes plans for his future...

When we'd finished our ice-creams we headed down to the beach. 

Wilson admired some boats and said he'd quite like a boat when he was a millionaire, but a bigger one than these. He would get one that someone else could drive for him, with proper bedrooms and an engine. And that would allow him to stay further away from the water.

Antony helpfully suggested it could be called the SS Antony, at which W raised his eyebrows and shook his head despairingly.

Before we left, Wilson gathered up a pinch of sand to look at under his microscope when we got back to the hotel. 

Wilson has another good idea. Well, an idea, anyway...

Once Wilson and Antony had finished re-enacting gangster movies on the giant globe, we sat on the prom for a spell while W outlined his plans for his microscope.

At first he wants to check all the towels at home for microbes, skin flakes, nematode eggs and antigens, to ensure our safety. This is just a rehearsal, however, as his eventual ambition is to start an international company offering a towel health-screening service. 

'I haven't thought of a name for it yet,' he explained, 'but I need to get it up and running in time for World Towel Day on 25 May next year!'

I nodded non-committally, having heard many of Wilson's business plans before. 

He interrupted my reverie, though, to clarify that 'Antigens haven't got anything to do with ants, you know!'

Wilson is on top of the world!

Wilson was very, very excited about his microscope, but he consented to proceed to Durlston Country Park just outside Swanage, where there was something I thought he'd enjoy seeing: a giant globe of the earth.

In the event, it seems I'd over-sold it to him. 

'It's not giant at all, New Dad!' he remarked scathingly. 'It might be giant when compared to a grape, or ping-pong ball, or even a football… but compared to the World, well, it's tiny!'

Nevertheless his disappointment didn't prevent him from climbing over the fence and clambering up the globe until he bestrode the North Pole like a Colossus and shouting, 'Made it, Ma! Top of the world!' as loud as he could.

'What are you doing?' I called up to him.

'I'm re-creating the final scene from "White Heat" the iconic 1949 gangster movie!' he shouted down to me. 'I'm James Cagney!' 

'You dirty rat!' called Antony...

Wilson has a lucky find!

We were driving through Bournemouth on our way to Durlston Country Park when Wilson suddenly shouted 'Stop! New Dad, stop the car!!'

Fearing some dire emergency I screeched the car to a halt, but before I could ask what was the matter Wilson had jumped out and darted into a Charity Shop.

I don't know whether I've mentioned this before, but for some time now W has craved a microscope. In fact he has a large collection of magnifying glasses and cardboard tubes at home from which he'd hoped to build one — but now he won't need to: 

He emerged from the shop after a couple of minutes proudly clutching... a microscope!

I hope he'll still want to go to Durlston and won't insist on going back to the hotel to check all the towels for microbes…

If you'd like to share Wilson's adventures with a friend — which would be a GOOD THING TO DO — just send them this link:

http://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/

Simple! 
Wilson thanks you — you've made a young anteater very happy!

Doctor Who

We ate early again last night then Wilson rushed us back to the hotel for what he called 'An epoch-defining event': the new Doctor Who! 

I'm beginning to think hotels should provide PVRs so guests don't have to rush back to watch 'unmissable' tv. 

Either that or guests should wait until they get back home to catch up on what they've missed. 

And when I say 'guests' I mean 'Wilson'…

W, though, is a part of the MTV Generation, with a short attention span and an unwillingness to wait for anything! 

And I enjoyed watching it too.