Tomorrow is Wilson's Big Day!

Leaving the youngsters repairing the goalpost and arguing about who would be Costa Rica in the next game, Wilson is rummaging about in his bedroom looking for his new clock invention prototype. 

While he's doing that, I would like to make an appeal on his behalf ('Make it an impassioned appeal, New Dad!' were his instructions) to everyone reading this to send it to a friend. 

Surprisingly, this is not to expose more people to my peerless prose but to increase the sales base of his Winter And Summer Timekeeping Equipment clock, which he will unveil publicly tomorrow. 

I hope that was impassioned enough! 

Thank you for your kind attention.

Offside!

I thought I knew what was coming next, but I was wrong. 

W continued. 'So I want to ask you, New Dad, to ask everyone who reads your AntWars2 blog to tell a friend about it. That way you will double your readership!'

'So twice as many people appreciate my writing?' I asked.

'So twice as many people will learn about my new Winter And Summer Timekeeping Equipment clock when I reveal it later this week!'

'Offside!' shouted Tiny Toy as he lay on the ground feigning an injury. 

TT has clearly been watching too much World Cup on tv — I must get Wilson to have a word with Antony about that.

Wilson has a serious talk with me

Wilson was sitting in the garden watching Tiny Toy play football with the Johnson Brothers when he called me over for what he called a 'serious talk.'

'Well, New Dad,' he began, 'the Solstice is passed and the nights are drawing in — what task do you think is worrying people most as winter approaches?'

On such a hot day I was surprised by this question, but I hazarded a guess: 'Christmas shopping? Shovelling snow?'

'Putting the clocks back!' he said, as though I hadn't spoken. 'People are dreading the time and effort of putting their clocks back an hour, or forward an hour in the southern hemisphere, as the case may be, and they will pay almost any sum to get out of doing that chore twice every year!'

Family Group Photograph

Wilson agreed to take a group photograph of the entire bee family, even though it would mean using up his last sheet of Polaroid film. (He said this quite pointedly to me, so I think that's my cue to buy him some more.)

He had just arranged everyone nicely for the photo when the sTone Brothers sidled up and pointed out that, since they are now honorary bees, they ought to be in the photograph too.  

Billi groaned and rolled her eyes, but Polly said, 'Oh, come on then, but keep to the outside. At the back. Further back!'

Wilson has thoughtfully written everyones name on the photo, in case anyone forgets who they are.

Wilson makes a gaffe

Wilson examined the diminutive insect closely, watched over protectively by its proud parents. 

'Hello little… er, thing.' he said by way of introduction, before turning to Billi and asking, 'Can it do any tricks?'

Billi bristled angrily, but Polly pretended not to notice this social gaffe and asked W whether he would take a group photograph of their whole family that she and Billi could hang in the hive.

A new addition to the family!

'But I added Johnson last time!' Wilson exclaimed. 'You made him an Honorary Bee, which I didn't altogether agree with, but I put my reservations aside and counted him in the survey!'

'That was our first child,' Polly beamed, 'This is our youngest, Johnson Minor. Do try to keep up!'

The bees moved aside, revealing a diminutive black-and-red figure that bore little resemblance to a bee.

'Why are both your children called Johnson?' W demanded.

'All ladybirds are called Johnson,' Billi explained. 'Haven't you ever heard of the famous "Lady Bird Johnson"?'

Selfie

Wilson finally burst into the kitchen brandishing a Polaroid in his paw.

'Look everyone, I've done a Selfie in the bathroom!' he exclaimed, proudly waving it in the bees' faces. 'I'm going to post it on Twitter and be a Twitter Celebrity!'

Once it had been admired to his satisfaction, he asked the bees what they had wanted to see him about, and Polly replied that they needed him to log in to the Bee Survey site again.

W sighed and patiently explained that neither Antony, Tiny Toy, Diesel the Goldfish or even he himself could be Honorary Bees. 'I'd be drummed out of the Science Club if anyone found out!' he said apologetically.

'No, no, it's not that!' Billi interrupted. 'We need you to update the survey by adding our new child, Johnson!'

A queue for the bathroom...

I was awoken this morning by Wilson's muffled cries of 'Go away! I'm busy!'

Stumbling from my bedroom to see what was going on I was most surprised to see a queue outside the bathroom door. Surprised because Polly and Billi have their own bathroom in the hive and because Wilson is well known for his dislike of water — the only time he ever uses the bathroom is when he pretends to shower to stop me nagging him about washing.

Eventually the door opened a crack and W's head emerged.

'What is it?' he demanded tersely, 'What do you want?'

Polly replied that they needed to speak with him on a matter of some urgency.

W replied, 'Wait for me in the kitchen and I'll come down when I'm finished!' before slamming the door. 

His muffled voice then added, 'You could make some coffee while you're waiting, if you like.'

Scientific Method

The bees demanded to know why their child Johnson had been excluded from the Bee survey.

'Well, that's because Johnson is a ladybird, not a bee,' Wilson answered reasonably. 

Polly and Billi immediately retorted, in unison, 'Johnson is a bee by adoption!'

Reluctantly, Wilson amended his entry, muttering that this made a mockery of the scientific method.

Just then sTony and sToneye shuffled in and asked whether they could be honorary bees as they'd never been in a survey before...

If you would like to take part in the survey, head to http://greatbritishbeecount.co.uk/ but I wouldn't let the bees see what you put on the questionnaire. 

The Great British Bee Survey

Lyn, one of Wilson's Facebook friends, suggested that he might like to take part in Friends of the Earth's Great British Bee Count. Since this would involve a lot of sitting around in the garden he embraced the idea, grabbing his iPad and making himself comfortable in the sunshine. 

Polly, Billi and Johnson came over to see what he was up to, and W immediately counted them: 'One, two Hairy-Footed Garden Bees — check!' 

Outrage ensued as Billi said she wanted to be described as 'Young, pretty with luxuriant fur, fun-loving and GSOH.' 

'And in a relationship!' Polly added, pointedly. 'Also, definitely NOT hairy-footed!'

'Oh no,' Billi agreed, 'NOT hairy-footed. We both shave our feet weekly and before we go clubbing!'

They both then demanded to know why W hadn't included Johnson in the count.

Wilson develops his invention still further!

After accidentally hypnotising himself several times yesterday, once I'd carried him unconscious to his bed Wilson dreamed of another ingenious adaptation for his New Clock invention! 

He's sitting in the conservatory making notes before he forgets his dream. His clock contraptions are so top secret, he won't even tell me or Antony how they work.

In other news, he has decided NOT to market his own range of relaxation tapes, lest everyone who buys them starts dreaming about brilliant inventions themselves. He wants to keep all the best inventions for himself, to make him rich and famous! 

Seems fair enough to me. 

Also, too few people still have cassette players for his tapes to have been great sellers…

Wilson records a self-help tape...

Wilson was so impressed by the relaxation tape he bought for Diesel that he has decided to record one himself. He told me that he would sell it on eBay and that it would hypnotise people who bought it, enabling them to achieve a state of deep, deep relaxation.

Unfortunately, whenever he starts recording he hypnotises himself into a state of deep, deep relaxation.

Well, I suppose that proves it's effective!

Gardening on a summer's day...

Watched by an admiring crowd of spectators, Wilson has planted up all of his garden centre purchases, and I must admit they do look lovely. He has done well!

He plans to spend the rest of the day practicing with his yo-yo, today being World Yo-Yo Day.

How does he know these things? I think Google has a lot to answer for!

The hardest part is yet to come...

Having paid for the plants, the next problem was fitting them all into the car. 

Of course even when we get them home, the real trick will be to get Wilson to plant them, rather than sit around drinking Ant Gin-based cocktails in the sun while talking about planting them…

Wilson goes shopping!

It takes only a couple of sunny days for Wilson to be well-and-truly bitten by the gardening bug, so today we headed off for a (surprisingly expensive) trip to the local Garden Centre.

I'm just really hoping that this isn't a portent of one of W's infamous Charity Garden Open Days…

World Chocolate Ice Cream Day!

Wilson stayed in bed all day today, inventing — he really thinks he's got his new clock contraption sorted! 

He took a break from his designing only to ask me to pop out to the Mr Softee van to get him a chocolate ice-cream. 

Since today is World Chocolate Ice-Cream Day I indulged him in this… and had one myself. 

I think it's important to observe these special celebrations to keep them going.

Especially when ice cream is involved!

Wilson invents a new kind of clock!

After listening to Diesel's relaxation tape, Wilson became unconscious and had to be carried to bed. This morning he awoke bright, early and full of enthusiasm.

He told me he had a dream in which he invented a new sort of clock that didn't need adjusting when the hour changes to and from Summer Time (Daylight Saving Time) and with help from Tiny Toy and Johnson he is now busy remembering how the clock worked in his dream so he can invent it in real life.

He says this could be 'The greatest thing since Oddsies!'

If it is to be at all successful, it will need to be quite a lot greater than Oddsies! 

Diesel is not relaxed!

Wilson finally located his Ghetto Blaster and is playing the relaxation tape to Diesel in the kitchen. 

Before the tape started, Diesel was already completely chilled, but as it progressed Wilson too became more and more unwound and has now fallen fast asleep. 

Diesel, thinking Wilson had passed out, was somewhat alarmed by this, and despite my reassurance is now quite agitated. 

While this is the exact opposite of what W had hoped to achieve, I've never seen him so relaxed. 

and relax...

Diesel's Relaxation Tape arrived this morning. Wilson is in his Museum looking for a cassette player — he says he's 'pretty sure' he's seen one in there somewhere.  

I suggested that most museums had a catalogue of their exhibits, but he said that too much organisation would deprive visitors of the spirit of serendipitous discovery as they picked their way through his displays.

Still, there's no hurry — Diesel is as relaxed as can be. If he was any more relaxed he'd be floating belly up at the top of his bowl…

Family tree...

After extensive research (consisting mostly of idly clicking through Ant Cookery pages on the internet while listening to Spotify) Wilson has drawn up a family tree for young Johnson. 

Needless to say, Johnson is very excited!