An unsuitable love match?

Wilson has just pinned up a photograph of the lovely Nina Morato on his noticeboard, next to his Eurovision Voting Chart. 

I've done a little research of my own, and Ms Morato is now a serious film star and stage actor. Also, she is now almost 50 years old — I can't accept that she would be a suitable partner for a seven-year-old anteater. I've told W this, but he will brook no objections, saying that he will write a formal letter of proposal to her as soon as he can find her email address.

This so reminds me of Pictures Of Lily, the Who song about a young boy infatuated by the long-dead Lily Langtry. It cannot end well.

Also on his board I spotted a note headed, 'What to do about Mrs V.' I asked him about this and he said he'd had an idea…

Wilson asks me to remind you that today is Lost Sock Memorial Day — and what better way to celebrate than with a pair of ODDSIES! Non-Matching Socks?!

Wilson finds True Love. Again.

As I'm sure you know by now, Wilson never does anything by halves; thoroughness is (or should be) his middle name. 

Accordingly, he has done quite a bit of research in preparation for the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday. 

While studying past shows he came across the song 'Je suis un vrai garçon' which was the French entry in the Dublin Eurovision way back in 1994, sung by Nina Morato. 

Wilson called me in to show me her photo, and she is indeed very pretty — a gamine waif with a cheeky smile. He then announced that he was in love with her. 

'It's not an inappropriate infatuation like it was with Joni Mitchell, New Dad,' he assured me. 'This time it's the Real Thing!'

I quickly performed a calculation in my head: 2014 - 1994 = 20 years.

Busy weekend ahead...

Next Saturday is the Eurovision Song Contest, then the following day is Wilson's birthday. 

His seventh birthday. 

The birthday by which he'd promised his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, he would be a millionaire.

He is manifestly NOT yet a millionaire and agrees with me that his chances of becoming one within the next five days are vanishingly small.

So, he is distracting himself by drawing up a hugely complex chart on which to score the Eurovision contestants. 

As for his birthday, he told me that he doesn't want to talk about it. 

Bees on honeymoon — do not disturb!

When we arrived at the hotel, Wilson went to check the girls in while they waited in the front garden.

The proprietor was quite surprised when she opened the door to Wilson — partly that he was an anteater, and partly that the guests were bees. Looking at the hotel's sign, I think I can see how the misunderstanding arose… 'Bee & Bee'… 'Honey'…

Anyway, since the reservation had been paid in advance there was no real problem and Polly and Billi were shown to their room. It had an enormous double bed and a vase of fresh flowers which the girls said was all they could have hoped for! 

I think they intend to sleep in the flowers, actually. 

After they were settled in and we were driving home, Wilson confided that he was quite glad the wedding was finally over and he could return to his normal life.

As though his life could ever be considered 'normal' in any meaningful sense of the word...

Honeymoon Hotel...

After the reception the happy couple climbed into the car and, following Wilson's directions, I drove them to their honeymoon hotel. 

The girls sat on the rear parcel shelf while Wilson sat in front with me — partly to help with navigation but mostly to allow the newlyweds some privacy.

WEDDING DAY!

Billi surprised everyone by arriving at the ceremony with a new fur-do — she'd had some colour put in. Polly loved Billi's new look, describing it as 'tres punk!' 

Wilson then intoned, 'By the Power Vested in me by the Internet and the Flying Spaghetti Monster Online Theological College, I declare you Bee and Bee!' The girls kissed each other and all the guests cheered!

After this, everyone retired for a slap-up sit-down meal of vegan jalfrezi kindly supplied by Wilson's friend Jan. This was very fortuitous since, what with being so busy memorising the words of the ceremony, W had completely forgotten to order any food.

During the meal, large quantities ant-flavoured mead were consumed before Antony, aided by Tiny Toy, gave the Best Man's Speech.

In a small, wavering voice, he began, 'I would like to thank everyone for coming. The brides look lovely. I hope they…' He paused, whether for dramatic effect or nervousness I couldn't tell. Tiny Toy began to giggle. Antony resumed. 'I hope they will… BEE… very happy together!'

Tiny Toy collapsed in laughter as Antony added, 'Did you see what I did there? Did you?'

We all clapped and clapped while Antony blushed and smiled, relieved to have discharged his duties successfully. 

Pre-wedding nerves

There is an air of expectation, an undercurrent of excitement about the house today. 

The girls have popped into the village to get their fur done, while Wilson tries to memorise the words of the marriage ceremony. 

Best Man Antony and Assistant Best Man/Flower Girl Tiny Toy are working on the joke in the Best Man's Speech. 

sTony and sToneye are outside rehearsing their role of Ushers/Security Guards by arranging the guests in straight lines, checking invitations and other Usherey tasks. 

In keeping with tradition, Polly and Billi will spend the night apart and not see each other until the ceremony. 

Everyone involved wants tomorrow to be perfect!

Wedding Cake

When the wedding was first announced one of Wilson's on-line friends, Malicya Anne (@missdeed666) offered to bake a honey cake for the wedding. It arrived this morning, and it looks just lovely. Polly and Billi both think it's exquisite! 

Wilson poked a tiny hole in the icing so he could insert his tongue and wiggle it around, 'Strictly for testing purposes!' he assured me. I assume it passed the test because he declared it to be 'The Bees' Knees!' and he couldn't say fairer than that.

The first guests are starting to arrive and I've already been stung a few times. Of Mad Uncle Zortan, however, there is as yet no sign. 

Tiny Toy does something very brave!

Antony's Tiny Toy is not happy with his role as 'Flower Girl' and has asked Wilson whether his job title could be amended. He would like W to re-name his post "Chief Floral Operative" or perhaps "Blossom Mechanic" — or even "Flower Boy" — but Wilson says he's written the list now and it would be a shame to waste paper by re-writing it. 

As a compromise, he suggested that maybe Tiny Toy, in addition to being Flower Girl, could help Antony with his Best Man's Speech. 

Antony said he would like that as he hasn't any idea what a Best Man does, let alone what a Speech is.

W has received confirmation of his booking of the Honeymoon Suite in the names of Miss Polly-B and Miss Billi-B, so at least that is under control.

Jobs are assigned...

The atmosphere was electric with excitement and anticipation this morning when Wilson gathered everyone in the kitchen to announce the assignment of jobs for the wedding.

Both Polly and Billi were very relieved to discover that their jobs were 'Bride' but Tiny Toy threw a bit of a tantrum when he discovered that he was to be 'Flower Girl'… he'd apparently set his heart on being 'Best Man.'

Wilson books the Honeymoon Suite

Against all expectations, given his recent traumatic experience, Wilson slept very well last night and was up bright and early this morning. 

He has found a lovely hotel which, he said, specialises in bee honeymoons, and he has made a booking for Polly and Billi to stay there for a few days after the wedding.

That sounds perfect, though I must say it seems a very niche market for a hotel!

Debrief...

When Wilson had finished giving the girls their talk on the Facts Of Life, he emerged from the conservatory, shaken and agitated. 

I sat him down in the dining room with a cup of strong tea with ants and asked him what had happened. He insisted that Antony and Tiny Toy be shut out of the room as 'they're just too young to know this… this stuff! They just couldn't handle it.

'The bees told ME the Facts Of Life!' he spluttered. 'They already knew them, and they knew WAY more than I did! They told me all about the birds. And the bees. It was terrible! It was Totes GROSS! I can never un-know some of the stuff they told me! I've been traumatised — I may never sleep again…'

Oh dear.

The Birds and the Bees...

Wilson has taken the betrothed bees, Polly and Billi, into the conservatory to give them a talk on the Facts Of Life. 

I don't know what he's telling them, but I can see that the bees are giggling and sometimes falling about with laughter, while Wilson is blushing almost constantly!

I can't wait to hear his feedback on how it went!

Wilson prepares to do the pre-wedding talk...

With the wedding now barely a week away, Wilson consulted his timetable and told me that it was time to give the bees "The Talk" and he was a bit nervous about it.

'The Talk? What Talk?' I asked, not taking his meaning.

'Yes, The Talk! THE Talk — You know, New Dad,' he rolled his eyes briefly, 'The Facts Of Married Life Talk!'

'Oh, the sex talk!' I replied.

'No, I was thinking more about budgeting, housekeeping, generating strong passwords, safe use of public Wi-Fi, things along those… hang on, SEX? What ABOUT sex?'

Ideal wedding gift

With the Easter weekend behind him, Wilson has returned to matters wedding-related. Right now he is searching for the ideal wedding present for the betrothed bees. and he's VERY taken with these fine-chine plates he's found — they're decorated with fruit being eaten by a swarm of ants!

I suggested that since the recipients are bees, they might prefer plates decorated with, say, wild flowers, but W dismissed this suggestion, saying that the ant plates would remind the bees of him.

I asked him whether he'd like one of the plates for himself, perhaps for his birthday, but he declined. 

'I'd always be licking the plate, New Dad — it would drive me mad. I'd never know if I'd finished my meal!'

The plates are available from: https://www.etsy.com/shop/LAPHILIE but Wilson says you must not buy them for the bees as they're his idea!

A triumphant tour is planned!

Is it just me, or do you agree that a triumphal open-top bus tour around Uckfield, with Wilson, Antony and his entire support crew waving from the top deck to celebrate his so-called 'Olympic Record' bobsleigh run, is a bit excessive?

I'm trying to dissuade him, but everyone else is right up for it — especially Antony, who says it would be 'Well wicked!'

I think the decider will be that Uckfield Bus Company doesn't have any open-top buses. 

Olympic Hero Returns!

As I said, Wilson's only injury was to his pride. Oh, and a bump on his nose. Nevertheless, he insisted on being stretchered home like a returning hero.

I hope that a jar of Giant Chocolate Ant Eggs will take the edge off his pain and disappointment...

An exciting finish, but not a record time!

There is no official length for an Olympic Bobsleigh Track, but the Sochi track was almost 2km long. Wilson's practice track is only about 20m so his time, although very fast, can not be officially ratified as a record, either World or Olympic… although he insists that this is a mere 'technicality' and his time of less than a minute should stand. 

The exact time is not known because in the excitement of the finish Polly-B dropped the stopwatch. By the time she found it more than five minutes had elapsed, but everyone agreed that the time of the run was probably less than 60 seconds.

However, it is most certainly a Personal Best for Wilson, and also for Antony who had never done it before!

The finish, it must be said, did not go precisely to plan, but only W's pride was hurt when he fell off the bob, although he did bang his nose quite painfully on a tree trunk.

Antony was thrown clear and was caught, entirely uninjured though quite shaken, and was pleased to be re-united with a very anxious Tiny Toy. 

Olympic record attempt

The first run is for the Two-Man Bobsleigh Olympic Record. Polly-B held the stopwatch while Billi-B counted down to the start: 'Three, two, one, GO!'

At the 'G' of the 'Go' Wilson and Antony were off down the track at a breathtaking speed, Polly and Billi cheering them on while Tiny Toy hid his face in his paws and whimpered pathetically on Billi's lap. 

Surely a new record must be within their grasp!

Off to break some records!

Wilson and his support crew are heading off to the Luge and Bobsleigh practice track round the corner for a practice session. 

It will be the first time he's ridden his newly-modified sled, and he has high hopes for a record time — certainly a personal best, possibly an Olympic or World record!