Wedding dates

As soon as we got home, before we had a chance to unload the bee hive from the car roof, Polly-B and Billi-B dragged Wilson inside to show him their list of possible wedding dates.

W examined it thoughtfully, then pointed out that 'Some of these dates have already passed!'

'Yes, but that's because we started work on this list so long ago,' Billi replied.

Wilson took the list of dates, together with his iPad and his best green marker pen, and retired to the tumble dryer to consider. Leaving me to unload the bee hive single-handed.

It's a lot heavier than you might think. Even when there aren't any bees in it.

Wedding venue

As we continued our journey home, I mentioned that a full sized bee hive seemed a bit excessive — I'd thought the wedding guests could stay in the now-vacated little 'bee hotel' by the asteroid shelter in the garden. Wilson soon put me straight about that, however, asking me whether I had any idea how many bees Polly- and Billi-B would be inviting. 

'There'll be thousands of them, New Dad — thousands! They'll invite their entire colonies, and they'll all be expecting a nice sit-down meal at the reception! We won't get away with a buffet, especially if The Queen comes!'

He then went on to explain that while his initial idea had just been the Bee Wedding Florists, having his own hive opened up new possibilities: he was going to convert the garden into a dedicated same-sex bee wedding venue! 

Wilson reveals his Business Plan...

We carried the beehive back to the car, tied it on to the roof with some rope we bought from a ship's chandlers, and set off for home. I drove very carefully and slowly, not wanting to be stopped by the police and have to explain why I had a beehive tied to my car… especially if Wilson joined in and started telling them about his Bee Wedding. 

A night in the cells is not on my Bucket List!

On the journey home, Wilson revealed his 'Great Idea'. Since the village florist had been unable to supply most of the flowers he wanted for the Bee Wedding, he planned to raise his own flowers from seed and supply them through a specialist shop he planned to open, catering exclusively for bees getting married. 

'There are millions of bees in the country, New Dad,' he explained, 'and mine will be the only shop able to supply them with flowers when they get married! I shall have the Bee Wedding Monopoly!'

Wilson makes a purchase. I pay for it. Obviously.

As we made our way back to the car park — Wilson asking me whether I'd like his autograph now he was a racing driver, me insisting that he could NOT drive the car home — he suddenly fell silent. 

I followed his gaze to the pavement display of a junk/antique shop.

'I have GOT to have that!' he exclaimed, dragging me over to see what had caught his eye. 'It will be perfect for putting up all the bees' friends and relations over the wedding!'

Sebastian Vettel watch out!

Ever since we've been coming to Hastings, Wilson has craved a go on the Go-Karts. In the past I've always told him he's too young, but he's almost seven now and I think he's just about old enough to ride responsibly. 

Here you can see him just pulling out of the Pit Lane for his first lap. 

Every time he passed the Finish line he punched the air, shouting, 'Take that, Vettel!', 'Eat dust, Hamilton!' and the like

This is harder than it looks...

Next on Wilson's Schedule of Fun was a go on the trampolines. I paid for a 15-minute session, but after only five he was lying on his back and gasping for breath. 

He told me afterwards that, like many things, it was much more difficult than it looks. 

Once he'd got his breath back he earnestly assured me that the only thing which would help him recover was a 99 ice cream. And some barley sugar sweets. And some chocolate truffles. 

Back outside he critically compared the size of his ice cream with the display model in front of the shop. He said that there should be a law against misleading advertising and, if he weren't so busy with the wedding preparations, he'd take it up with his MP.

Golf Champion!

As predicted, lunch was followed by a round of Crazy Golf, in which I was soundly beaten. As usual. 

If The Masters or the PGA Championship were for Crazy Golf, I think W might make the cut! He takes each hole very seriously, which is why a round with him takes so long to play. I always cross my fingers that we don't win a free round at the final hole!

For myself, I'd quite like to get home and see what date the bees have chosen for their wedding, but past experience has taught me that Wilson is not to be hurried.

_______________

CHECK THIS OUT! 

What with the Bees' Wedding, March has been a very busy month for Wilson Vermilingua OBE!

I've just uploaded the latest monthly volume of Ant Wars II: March 2014 so you can catch up on anything you've missed.

Please tell all your friends, as it is Wilson's stated ambition for his life story to be, as he puts it, "As Popular as an engagement party with free food and drink and music."

You can download them or read them online at:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/journal_mar_14   

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon

The wedding is ON!

I don't encourage Wilson to use the phone while we're eating, but during lunch he received a call from the bees saying that they'd completed their list of possible dates for their wedding. 

Billi-B started reading out the dates but he stopped her, saying that he had an 'extremely busy schedule for the rest of the day' but he would give the matter his 'full attention' as soon as he returned home.

After ending the call he turned to me and said, 'Better buy a hat, New Dad — the wedding is on!'

Typical day at the seaside...

The day started like most days spent at the seaside with Wilson. First we walked along the prom having a go on, or 'testing' as he prefers to call it, all the coin-operated rides.

Judging by previous experience, this will probably be followed by lunch, several ice-creams and a game of Crazy Golf.

Finally before we head home we may take a closer look at the sea, but I confidently predict there will be no paddling by the water-dodging Wilson.

1066 country!

The bees are STILL compiling a list of suitable dates for their wedding! I have no idea what's taking them so long — maybe they're into astrology and they're choosing auspicious days, or perhaps they're telephoning their relations to see when they're all free. 

I hope they don't come from big families — Wilson says that I am traditionally obligated to pay for all the catering and accommodation. 

Wilson made it clear to me that he was bored with waiting and, as the weather was sunny and warm, asked whether we could go to Hastings for the day.

I've lost count of the number of buckets and spades he's bought on our various holidays and days out, but only a new set would do for today! 

He won't always be little, so I like to indulge him while I can...

April Fool's Day

Today the bees are in the kitchen, still working on their Wedding Schedule. 

They've drawn up a long list of dates they think would be suitable, so Wilson can choose one that doesn't clash with anything on his busy agenda. 

Wilson, meanwhile, is once more working in the garden. He's a bit cross because he didn't think of any brilliant April Fool's Day pranks to play on me. He says that 1 April rather crept up on him, unexpectedly. 

If April 1st can take him by surprise, it does make me wonder how carefully he keeps his diary!

Everyone is very busy today...

The bees are in the dining room drawing up a list of possible wedding dates for Wilson's approval.

I keep setting the clocks to BST, but as fast as I do, W moves them back 30 minutes to British Average Time. He says that the benefits are too great to ignore…

Right now he's in the garden admiring his flowering cherry tree. I'm creeping round the house re-setting all the clocks.

British Average Time

I was surprised to turn on the wireless to listen to The Archers this morning to find I'd missed half of it. I mentioned it to Wilson, and he said that might be something to do with him.

He explained, 'When I adjusted the clocks last night, I put them forward just half an hour. That way, we need never adjust them again! We keep all the clocks half an hour slow in the summer, and half an hour fast in the winter. I call it British Average Time! Brilliant or what?'

There is a certain logic there, but I think I shall find it very confusing.

He's in the garden now, raking moss out of the lawn. 

The perfect Easter gift...

While Wilson was choosing his seeds I spotted the ideal Easter present for him — Giant Chocolate Ants' Eggs! I stealthily bought a jar without him noticing.

On the drive home he asked me whether the clocks should go forward or back tonight. I told him forward. Definitely forward! 

'Okey dokey!' he replied. 'Leave it to me — the clocks will be in safe paws!'

So, at least there shouldn't be any clock-related drama tomorrow. 

Which will be a first. 

A trip to the Garden Centre

Wilson was up early this morning, saying that he wants to do up the garden ready for the wedding. To this end he apparently 'needs' to go to the garden centre to buy some new gardening tools. 

In addition to a new spade, fork, trowel, kneeling-pad, secateurs and a load of other unexpectedly expensive gear, he bought a flowering cherry tree in pot and a lot of wild flower and herb seeds. 

He also bought a Mothers' Day card, remembering that he hadn't yet sent a card to his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua.  

'This isn't the year to upset Mrs V!' he opined, 'Not with the news I've got to break to her on my birthday...'

Wilson must not be disturbed...

Whatever Wilson's great idea is (and he's still not so much as hinted at what it might be) he has been in his tumble dryer all day today thinking about it. He didn't even come out for breakfast, instead sending Antony to bring him provisions, particularly 'brain food,' which I take to mean extra ants with everything. 

Between snacks Antony and Tiny Toy are in there with him in the capacity of 'Marketing Manager' and 'Assistant Marketing Manager' respectively.

Sometimes I wonder what Tiny Toy — a stuffed toy's stuffed toy — actually contributes to these enterprises. 

But what do I know about these things?

Wilson achieves enlightenment. Possibly.

This morning Wilson and the bees gathered around his iPad in the kitchen to choose a new date for the wedding. W has quite a busy schedule so it's not as easy as you might suppose. 

Gradually I noticed W staring blankly into space, oblivious to his surroundings. Suddenly he jumped down from the table and ran off to the tumble dryer, calling back to the bees, 'We'll do the calendar later! I must write this idea down before I forget it!'

He would not give me any details, but did confide that it was the 'most coruscatingly amazing brainwave I have ever had, ever! It's a genuine moment of Satori — I am enlightened!'

This bears all the signs of being another bizarre and totally improbable money-making scheme. Once again, I fear the worst.

Wilson explains...

Actually, by the time Antony had played Babymetal's "Gimme Choco!" fifteen or twenty times, I started to warm to it! 

Wilson took Polly and Billi to one side and explained about the significance of his upcoming 7th birthday and how he would have to visit his mother, Mrs Vermilingua, to explain in person how he'd broken his promise to her about being a millionaire by now. 

He also said that in his view a bit of a drama and some tears make a party seem more authentic — like on EastEnders or Corrie!

Then he donned a deelybopper and boogied for all he was worth — even Tiny Toy emerged from behind the iPad and danced with Antony!

Billi-B offered to teach me how to do the Wiggle Dance, but I declined. I think too much Dad-Dancing can spoil the atmosphere of a party, and I know what she really wanted was to dance with Polly…

The wedding cannot take place...

Wilson made a brief announcement, saying the wedding cannot take place on 11 May as that's his birthday. This was met with an awkward silence, broken only by the sound of Polly sobbing. 

Sensing that the speeches were over, Antony pressed Play and on came Babymetal's techno-rock mega-hit “Gimme Choco!” 

This played a couple of times while Billi-B consoled Polly, and by the third play both bees were doing the Bee Wiggle Dance together.

“Gimme Choco!” is allegedly all bees' favourite song! Try it: click the link, you might like it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIKqgE4BwAY

I didn't, but maybe that's just me. 

Wedding date is announced!

Once the music had stopped, Polly-B made a sweet little speech in which she thanked everyone for coming and announced that the date for the wedding had been decided: 11 May this year. 

Everyone cheered… except for Wilson, whose face fell. 

He then started to make a speech of his own, but he looked very uncomfortable, as though he was about to break some bad news.

Oblivious to the developing awkwardness, Antony cued up his next song.