Wilson opens his presents...

Here you see Wilson halfway through opening his Christmas presents. He's wearing his new vegetarian-certified faux-fur jacket while eating a box of imported chocolate-fed ants. 

Just after this photo was taken, he opened his main gift — which was a ticket for a sunshine cruise to the Canary Islands for him and a friend! 

I'm really hoping he'll choose me as his travelling companion, since I'm quite as fed up with this weather as he is…

Boxing Day!

We all had a lovely time on Christmas Day! The Stone Brothers were allowed indoors on condition that they didn't frighten Antony or Tiny Toy (who were both very brave about this) and everyone ate and drank too much. 

One of Wilson's highlights of the day was pulling his giant cracker, with him at one end and everyone else at the other!

W gave me a pair of ODDSIES! and a new set of Journals. I can't wait to start using them, but you won't get to see them until the first one is filled at the end of January. That's the journals, not the ODDSIES! obviously!

Wilson had a Dr Who Sonic Screwdriver and some other toys, but was most excited by his main present from me. 

I'll tell you what that is tomorrow…

Happy Christmas from us all!

Wilson has hung up his stocking and placed a glass of milk and some reindeer treats by fireplace. Now he's gone to bed in hopes that the night will pass more quickly… though I won't be surprised to see him up again in a few minutes complaining that he's too excited to sleep.

There won't be any update tomorrow, but I hope you'll hear from us again on Boxing Day.

   

In the meantime, we all wish you a Very Happy Christmas!

We wish you a Happy Christmas!

Wilson and I would like to wish all our friends a Very Happy Christmas and, as Wilson puts it, A Merry New Year!

A Christmas Tradition

Wilson and I have been to our local for our traditional last-Sunday-before-Christmas drink. Well, it's not actually a tradition yet, but if we do it again next year it will be.
 

W settled down with an Irish Coffee and I with a Barley Wine, and he related a story his friend Bob had told him. It seems that an acquaintance of Bob's had bought an apple pie, and when he bit into it, he found it was full of live ants!
 

'What are the chances of that happening, eh?' he asked. Then he smiled and shook his head ruefully, saying, 'Some people really do have all the luck!'

Wilson and I both receive mail

As Doctor Who once said, we are now Halfway Through the Dark. And not a moment too soon — we've both had enough of this miserable weather!

Wilson is a bit miffed, having received an anonymous Christmas card from his 'Secret Admirer.'

'This totally does my nut in, New Dad!' he declared. 'Every birthday, every Valentine's day and every Xmas it's the same! Who can be sending them?'

He thought for a moment, then added, 'It had better not be my Mum, Mrs Vermilingua!'

In the same delivery I was very relieved to receive an envelope containing Wilson's main Christmas present. I'd begun to fear it wouldn't arrive in time, but now it's safely here I can relax. 

I think he's going to love it!

A letter from the Mayor...

In this morning's post, Wilson received a brief note from the Mayor's secretary saying that the Mayor thanks Wilson for his interest. However he is very busy right now campaigning for Boris Island Airport so is too occupied to consider W's dung beetle scheme at present.

W was understandably disappointed by this, but was a little cheered when, in the same delivery, he received a big bundle of identical Christmas cards from his family. He had forgotten to buy any cards himself, so we rushed out to choose some. 

As usual, all the cards will be exactly the same, but he told me that he will put a special message inside Byron's card.

Christmas Cracker

Wilson decided to spend all his carol singing earnings of £1.62 on a giant cracker. He tried to swap the unwanted six Liquorice Allsorts for a bag of popcorn, but the lady on the checkout was unwilling to trade, so I treated him to that. I'll probably be able to dispose of the liquorice unobserved.
 

During the trip home W said that he had been considering his friend Serena's suggestion, and reached a decision: rather than using Skype, which would require his real-time presence, he and his choir would make a video!
 

'I will distribute this digital dose of Seasonal Good Cheer via YouTube and Vimeo etc, and charge a small fee per view through PayPal. I shall be rich after all!'

This should keep him out of mischief, I suppose, so long as it's not as ambitious a production as his last video epic, Titanic — The Film…

Decorations for Xmas

Wilson eventually emerged from his bed, declaring himself exhausted and vowing never to sing another carol.
 

'It's just too draining, New Dad!' he announced, 'I just can't keep it up! At heart, I am a member of the Great Sloth Dynasty, and we're simply not suited to this much work!'
 

I tried to lift his mood by taking him to the Garden Centre to choose some decorations, and on the drive out I mentioned that one of his friends, Serena, had suggested that he might do his carol singing by means of Skype, so that he and his choir need never leave the house. Moreover, because of the wonder of time zones, he could do it whenever he felt like it, regardless of the time here in Uckfield.
 

He received this in silence, but I could tell that he was mulling it over. 

Wilson goes carol singing

Before he went to bed last night, I had a brief chat with Wilson on his return from his first evening of carol singing. He said that his schedule of house visits had turned out to be a bit optimistic, and that people didn't care for his Rate Card of suggested donations.
 

In spite of being out all evening, he managed to visit only three houses! At the first house there was no reply (although W suspects they were hiding under the table and just pretending to be out); at the second house everyone was very appreciative, but gave him only £1.50; and at the third house the door was opened by an old lady who invited him and his choir in and gave them all mince pies and hot chocolate in front of a log fire.
 

'She was a very nice old lady,' Wilson conceded, 'and we spent a couple of hours with her, chatting. But as we were leaving she handed each of us tuppence and a Liquorice Allsort. I'm never going to get rich like that!'
 

His total night's takings, then, amounted to £1.62 and six liquorice sweets which no-one wanted to eat.
 

I don't know whether he intends going out again tonight as he's still in bed at the moment, recovering.

Wilson wishes all his customers a Very Happy Xmas!

Wilson is a bit despondent after doing some more calculations.
 

'There are nine days until Xmas,' he explained. 'Allowing, say, 2½ minutes for each house, 4,600 houses will take more than 21 hours a day! I should have started this back in August!'
 

He pondered for a moment, then asked me, 'Do you think householders might be annoyed by Carol Singers calling at, say, 2am? Because if they're a bit cross, that might result in reduced donations.'
 

However, he has produced a 'Rate Card' of Suggested Donations for when he starts carolling this evening, 'So that people won't be embarrassed by not knowing how much to give!'

If you live in Uckfield, do listen out for him — he'll be setting off with his choir in a few minutes.

Spreadsheet

Wilson has been doing some population research and financial calculations to determine the profitability of carol singing. His findings are as follows:

Population of Uckfield = 14,000

Equivalent to households ≈ 4,600

Carol singers' suggested donation:

Wilson Vermilingua OBE £2.00

Polly-B                                 £1.00

Antony                                 £1.00

Tiny Toy                              £0.50

sTony                                   £1.00

sToneye                              £0.50

                            TOTAL = £6.00

Grand total therefore
             4,600 x £6.00 = £27,600

This, he says, is substantially short of the £1Million he needs, but still well worth doing.

Wilson's Xmas Choir

Following our recent visit from a carol singer, Wilson is now in the dining room putting his 'choir' through its paces.
 

It's difficult to tell what they're learning, but from the words I've picked out I'd guess they're tackling Silent Night and We Three Kings. They had to give up on Good King Wenceslas because no-one could pronounce 'Wenceslas.'
 

Also, they're learning only the first verse plus two lines of the second verse — W has told them that if they haven't had a donation by then they should give up and quickly move on the the next house. 

There is a certain pragmatism about Wilson's attitude which I find hard not to admire! 

I explain an ancient tradition...

Late last night there was a ring on the front door bell. Wilson answered it, to find a small, sullen-looking child singing an approximation of Once In Royal David's City. W and I shuffled our feet and glanced at each other, embarrassed, as he launched into the second verse, whereupon I gave the boy a £1 coin.
 

He immediately stopped singing, turned on his heel and walked away.

'Happy Christmas!' I called after him.

'Whatever!' he replied, without looking round.

'Well I never!' exclaimed W. 'What was that about? Did you give him the money just to get him to stop making that awful noise?'
  

I sat Wilson down with a mug of hot chocolate and a mince pie while I explained to him the traditional ritual of Christmas Carol Singing. 

A special, urgent message from Wilson:

Wilson has heard that a Canadian mining company, Infinito Gold, is mounting a $1 Billion lawsuit to force Costa Rica to allow them to create an open-pit gold mine, which would destroy 190 hectares of pristine rain-forest.
Costa Rica is Wilson's homeland, and he feels very strongly about this, so he is asking you to read about this threat to endangered species and to the rain-forest, and sign this petition: 
http://tinyurl.com/mbhl7br

Free Gift for Xmas!

Here, as promised, is Wilson's set of gift tags to print, cut-out and use — he says that it is his Xmas Gift to all his on-line friends, and will help them remember him when they are doing their Xmas wrapping!

With regard to W's Xmas present, I've done a bit of research on the Noma restaurant, and it's not looking so good: 

     Meals cost £390  per head; 

     There doesn't seem to be a vegetarian option; 

     The waiting time for reservations is four-months; 

     Earlier this year, 63 Noma diners were struck down with food poisoning.

But it has given me an idea! I'll say nothing else until I've looked into it, but I think W would love it! 

A meal at Noma

To pass the time while waiting for Boris' reply, Wilson has been making some Xmas gift tags. He says they'll be finished by tonight and you can all have a sheet of them tomorrow.

I've been reading about the Noma restaurant in Copenhagen. The thing is that they serve live ants! They're famous for it, apparently. Or notorious.

Anyway, Wilson is very fond of fine dining, and I wondered whether he would like a meal there for his Xmas present. Also, I've always wanted to visit Denmark!

I'll do a bit of research and see about making a reservation for the two of us, and see how much flights would cost!

Wilson replies to the Mayor

So, here is the letter Wilson has sent to Boris Johnson. He's pinning a lot of hopes on a favourable reply from the Mayor's Office, but I am not optimistic.

As for Xmas, one of Wilson's friends, Rhonda, suggested that he might like some 'Cuddle Duds.' Apparently these are like Long Johns for ladies, which would certainly keep him warm, but I'm not certain just coldness is his problem. I think what's getting him down is the constant greyness, dampness and general joylessness of the English winter.

Maybe he'd like an SAD lightbox? They are supposed to be very effective at cheering people up during the dark months.

Wilson crafts a reply to the Mayor

Wilson has written his reply to Boris, outlining how he proposes to tackle the Capital's Dog-Fouling Problem. 

I don't know what the Mayor will make of it, but I think I can predict his reaction to the price.

W has been complaining about the weather for weeks now, so I wonder whether he'd like a scarf for Xmas? What do you think? Any suggestions would be welcome!

Winter Wonderland

I really don't know what to get Wilson for Xmas! 

Hoping for some ideas, I asked him when he would be writing his letter to Father Xmas, and he told me he'd written and posted it last week. When I enquired what he'd asked for, he said that was between him and Father Xmas, so no clues to be had there.

W asked whether we could go to the Blackstock Farm Winter Wonderland near Hailsham; I agreed, and we spent a lovely afternoon there! Wilson went through the huge Xmas Tunnel to see Father Xmas, and half way round was given a mince pie by an elf — I think that made his day!

Afterwards we had a look at all the animals, then something to eat in the restaurant. 

CHECK THIS OUT! 

November has been a very busy month for Wilson Vermilingua OBE!

I've just uploaded the latest monthly volumes of Ant Wars II: October AND November 2013 so you can catch up on anything you've missed.

Please tell all your friends, as it is Wilson's stated ambition for his life story to be, as he puts it, "As Popular as a visit from Father Xmas."

You can download them or read them online at:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/ant_wars_ii_october_2013

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/ant_wars_ii_november_2013

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon

Original photographs of the lovely WILSON are by Tamanduagirl at 

http://www.livingwithanteaters.com/ and are used by kind permission.