Good luck, Wilson!

I've just waved Wilson off from Uckfield station. Polly-B, Antony and Tiny Toy all came to wish him well, and as the train pulled out we all waved and shouted 'Good Luck, Wilson! Good Luck!' 

Once the train had pulled out of sight Polly-B turned to me and whispered, 'I've got a very bad feeling about this.'

'Nonsense!' I replied, 'The Force is strong with this one!'

I have given W strict instructions not to turn on his light sabre while on the train or in any no-smoking areas!

I take Wilson to one side...

Wilson has put an enormous amount of effort in preparing for this audition, but I felt I had to take him aside and warn him not to get his hopes too high. 

'There will be thousands of people auditioning for this one part!' I reminded him. 'In Bristol, they stopped the auditions early, and lots of people didn't even get seen!'

'That,' he replied, 'is why I am leaving early. I shall travel up to London Town tomorrow, so I am at the head of the queue on Saturday morning!'

'Even so,' I said, 'don't set your heart on playing "William" in the new film. It's possible they might, however misguidedly, choose someone else.'

'I find your lack of faith disturbing' he replied.

The audition draws near...

I had to intervene yesterday and insist that Wilson release Polly-B from her Lego R2-D2 suit. Now they're having a much more relaxed rehearsal in the conservatory, with Polly-B wearing a comfy R2-D2 felt hat. I must say that, for a bee, she has a very forgiving nature!

Now that the Audition is drawing closer, W has booked his rail ticket to London. He told me that obviously he would have preferred to travel in First Class, but roughing it in Second would help get him into his role of Rebel Freedom Fighter. 

R2-D2 taken prisoner

Polly-B is helping Wilson with his rehearsals. He's getting a bit cross with her because, instead of saying her lines (which after all consist only of whistling and buzzing) she keeps saying, 'Can I come out yet? I'm getting cramp in my left wing!' and 'This feels as though I'm being walled-up alive!' and even 'Help! Help!'

Wilson keeps telling her (in a very scary Darth Vader voice) that the more she complains the longer rehearsals will take.

Antony and Tiny Toy are hiding under a chair in the dining room, lest they be press-ganged into rehearsals too.

Wilson builds a Space Ship

To help him 'get into' his part, Wilson is now building a model Millennium Falcon out of Lego bricks. 

Polly-B is in charge of handing W the next brick, while Antony and Tiny Toy are allowed only to observe. 

In silence. 

From behind a tiny Lego fence. 

Considering that he's working without plans or instructions, he's making quite a nice job of it!

The Jeremy Kyle Show

Polly-B has just rushed in, very excited, to tell Wilson that she's managed to arrange a ticket for him to be in the audience of the Jeremy Kyle Show. 

He told her that he couldn't be doing with that right now, due to rehearsals. 

'Anyway,' he asked, 'how will I publicise my book if I'm just in the audience?'

'Wear a sandwich board saying "Postcards From The Zoo" is a brilliant book, and I wrote it!"' Polly-B replied.

W regarded her for a moment, then retorted, 'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

I think he was a bit torn, though, as the Jeremy Kyle Show is one of his favourites. 

TV interference

Wilson's Light Sabre seems to cause a lot of interference on our TV — you'd think the Jedi Scientists would have sorted that out by now!

I pointed this out to W, who replied, 'But how could they be jamming us if they don’t know… that we’re… coming?'  As usual, I don't know what he's talking about, but he agreed to keep his weapon turned off at least while Boardwalk Empire is on tonight. 

We didn't watch much of Children in Need last night, but W was very affected by what we did see, and was moved to make a donation. 

If you'd like to do the same, you can go to: http://tinyurl.com/9ej37v2 

Make it so

Today, Wilson is communicating only in quotations from Star Wars. He says that it's part of 'The Method.' 

I asked him if he fancied coming into the village with me for a coffee, and he said, 'Awwwww! But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!'

I have no idea what that means, but I took it as a No and asked him if he'd like me to bring him a cup of tea and a cookie? 

He deepened his voice and replied, 'Make it so, Mr Riker!'

I'm not an expert, but even I know that's Star Trek, not Star Wars!

The Method

Amazon has just delivered a load of book about Method Acting, all addressed to Wilson. He's in the conservatory with them now, reading about Lee Strasbourg and Stanislavsky and 'The Method.' 

Also, he appears to be speaking to me only in quotes from Star Wars. 

The sooner this audition comes and goes, the better!

An unusual insurance claim...

I've just found a Light Sabre burn on the sofa. I don't know exactly how I'm going to explain that to the insurance company.

Wilson has received yet another message of encouragement, this one from his friend Joe:

"The Force, young Wilson, strong with you may be."

Although this is clearly from Joe, W insists that it's really from Yoda, and won't be persuaded otherwise. He's taking it as a very Good Omen.

I am your father!

Wilson is now in rehearsal, with Polly-B playing the part of Darth Vader: 

W: 'I'll never give in. You killed my New Dad!'

P-B: 'Bzzzzz No, Luke, I AM your bzzz father!'

W: 'Noooooooooooo!'

P-B: 'Yessssszzzzz!'

W: 'Why did you cut my arm off?'

And so on.

WIlson's friend Rhonda has sent him a message: 

"Break a leg, Wilson!!"

At first he thought this was a curse from a rival auditionee, but I explained that it was in fact a traditional good-luck message to actors of the highest calibre. 

Star Wars script

Wilson has settled down in the dining room, his trusty Light Sabre (he hasn't tried it yet — couldn't find enough AA batteries) and a cup of tea at his side, script on his lap, learning his lines for his Star Wars Audition. Antony is helping by reading all the other characters' parts. 

Occasionally I will hear raised voices as W declaims in a Shakespearean voice, 'You are a member of the Rebel Alliance and a Traitor!' or 'Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try!' or something equally dramatic.

Meanwhile, messages of encouragement continue to trickle in; here's another typical one from his friend Sheila:

'Whoo hoo Wilson! Knock 'em dead in that audition!'

Light Sabre

Wilson has received several letters of support, encouraging him in his bid to land a starring role in the next Star Wars movie! 

Here is a typical message, from his friend Bob:

"I really would love to see Wilson in Star Wars; just imagine an X-wing fighter piloted by an ant eater, it would be a box office smash. Good luck, W, in the auditions."

He's just popped in to the village to buy a Light Sabre so he can start rehearsing tomorrow. 

Just a TOY Light Sabre, I hope!

Star Wars

All thoughts of his novel have been temporarily thrown aside as Wilson has read that the Producers of 'Star Wars' are holding Open Auditions today in Bristol, with London to follow on November 23 and 24. The Producers are looking for a handsome, smart and athletic male to cast as the lead character called William. 

'I am a handsome, smart and athletic male!' he declared. 'My name is Wilson — that's LIKE "William"! Also, "Star Wars" is my favourite film — I shall be a shoe-in! I hope my Leading Lady is pretty!'

Following the aftermath of him watching 'Moon' Wilson has been banned from seeing any Science Fiction movies, including 'Star Wars,' but he's pleaded to be allowed to download them onto the iPad, and I've agreed.

He's asked me to call him William from now until the audition date, to help him get into character. 

Wilson tries to promote his new book

This morning Wilson, hung-over and dehydrated, looks a lot less Noël Coward and a lot more Hunter S Thompson as he sips his triple espresso with paracetamol. 

'I've still got Writers' Block, New Dad,' he complained. 'Also my Literary Agent couldn't get me onto The Alan Titchmarsh Show, nor Loose Women. Not even The One Show.'

'Really?' I asked, trying to sound surprised.

'She said the best she could do was get me an appearance on Dickinson's Real Deal, as long as I had something old to sell.'

He buried his face in his paws and sighed.

Writers' Block

Wilson, after starting work yesterday on his novel 'Postcards From The Zoo,' is now suffering from Writers' Block. He's spent all day in the tumble dryer with his Editor (Antony), Researcher (Tiny Toy) and a bottle of Ant Gin. Occasionally he will stick his head out to shout, 'The Pressure! It's Intolerable, Dear Boy!'

Meanwhile his Literary Agent (Polly-B) is on the phone trying to arrange an appearance for him on The Alan Titchmarsh Show to promote his book. 

Hopefully after he's finished writing it. 

Noel Coward

Unable to sleep after the excitement of last night's bonfire, Wilson started reading Carrie 'Princess Leia' Fisher's book 'Postcards From The Edge.' This morning he has decided to write a book based on the postcards he sent me while on holiday with his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua.

He's working on it now, and tells me it will be a 'funny, brash and biting novel called "Postcards From The Zoo" and will apparently be quite like "Postcards From The Edge," but with more pictures.' He is confident that it will be 'a sure-fire best seller, as long as it gets the right promotion.'

He's writing it in his dressing-gown because he thinks it makes him look, as he puts it, 'well Noël Coward.' I just hope he doesn't start smoking a pipe and calling me 'Dear Boy!'

At least this should keep him out of mischief for a couple of weeks, maybe longer!

Bonfire Night!

Wilson is in the kitchen finishing up his Pumpkin Soup With Ants and home-made Ant Croutons after what he is calling 'The Best Bonfire Night Ever!'

Wilson builds his bonfire

Wilson came home yesterday with a lot of wood for his Firework Night Bonfire — more than I expected. 

Much, MUCH more than I expected. 

Still, he's stacked it neatly in the garden, so I suppose it's alright. 

I just hope he doesn't make his bonfire too big, what with the FBU strikes…

Bonfire Night preparations

The house seems very quiet now that Byron has gone home. I enjoyed having him here, and I think it was good for Wilson… but I can begin to see why their mother, Mrs Vermilingua, gets through so much Gin!

Anyway, the house is quieter still at present as Wilson has gone out to gather wood for his Fireworks Night bonfire.