Birthday present

Wilson's birthday gift to Rowan was a pre-production pack of Oddsies! He's made several prototype packs by taking socks from my sock drawer — he's confiscated one sock from each pair I own, thus forcing me to, in effect, wear Oddsies! all the time.

I can't say I'm happy about this, but I must admit that it does save a lot of time in the mornings!

Birthday Barbecue Blues!

Here is Wilson cooking at Rowan's Birthday Barbecue! He repeatedly tells me that 'everything is under control' but he sounds a little less certain each time, and has already singed the fur on both his arms. 

I wish he would be more careful with the barbecue lighter fluid — this looks less like cordon bleu, more like conflagration!

Birthday preparations

Tomorrow is Rowan's birthday! Rowan is of one of Wilson's closest friends, and Wilson has promised to cook a celebratory barbecue. He's popped in to Tesco to buy the ingredients. 

I imagine I'll be spending the rest of today helping him thread ants onto kebab skewers...

CHECK THIS OUT! 

April has been a very busy month for Wilson Vermilingua OBE!

I've just uploaded the sixteenth monthly volume of Ant Wars II: April 2013 so you can catch up on anything you've missed.

Please tell all your friends, as it is Wilson's stated ambition for his life story to be, as he puts it, "As Popular Easter Eggs!". 

You can download it or read it online at:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/ant_wars_ii_april_2013

You can now SUBSCRIBE to Wilson's blog by email!

The BLOG is right here: http://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/

You can TRANSLATE Wilson's blog into other languages!

You can COMMENT on Wilson's blog — and he'd love to hear from you!

Photographs of the lovely WILSON are by Tamanduagirl at 

http://www.livingwithanteaters.com/ and are used by kind permission.

Wilson tells me a joke...

In the resulting mood of relief and jollity following Tiny Toy's recovery, Wilson told me a joke. This in itself is an unusual event as he isn't a 'joke' kind of person. However, he sat opposite me and said:

'How many ants does it take to change a lightbulb?' I shook my head and he continued, 'It doesn't matter — I'll eat them in the dark then get my New Dad to change the bulb!'

Giggling uncontrollably, he told me he was considering a career as a stand-up comedian, just in case his Oddsies! enterprise failed, then proceeded to tell me another:

'What's the difference between a Queen Ant and The Queen?' I shook my head again, and he thought for a moment and said, 'Well, one is The Queen of England, and the other… Oh, hang on, I haven't really thought this through.'

Panic over!

Tiny Toy was eventually located under the sofa. Wilson says Antony told him that Tiny Toy thought the socks were a bit obvious so chose a more unexpected hiding place. 

This is all too much for me.

Missing Person!

Ant Wars II:

We're having a bit of a crisis! Antony was playing hide-and-seek in a pile of Wilson's prototype Oddsies! and has lost his Tiny Toy somewhere. It was apparently Tiny Toy's turn to hide, and Antony couldn't find him; all he can tell W is that his toy is inside one of the socks. Probably. 

Antony's alternative theory is that his toy has been abducted by sTony, but I discount this on account of sTony being an inanimate (though admittedly sinister) statue.

A major search has ensued — W rummaging through all the socks while Antony looks on anxiously — so far without success. I have had to physically restrain Wilson from calling the Emergency Services. The atmosphere here is pretty tense!

Oddsies! A boon for the fashion-conscious gentleman!

Having grown exasperated waiting for me to dress in the mornings, Wilson has invented something of real value! He is calling his invention 'Oddsies!' 

What he proposes is that he makes it fashionable to wear non-matching socks by marketing packs of odd socks, or 'Oddsies!', thus saving the fashionable gentleman up to 10 minutes every day searching for matching or closely-similar socks. 

I objected that this was just wearing odd socks, but Wilson smiled and said, 'That's the beauty of the idea! You won't be wearing just odd socks, you'll be wearing Oddsies! You'll be wearing Oddsies! by Wilson Vermilingua! I will create a need, then I will fulfil that need. That is how fashion works!'

Perhaps he will, after all, be a millionaire before he is seven… he certainly has the inventive, entrepreneurial instinct!

My heart sinks...

Wilson and I went to the Garden Centre today to buy some ivy to grow over the folly. On our way to the plants we  passed the statuary area, and I saw the worst thing I have ever seen: a display of sTony's Friends and Relations. What a motley bunch of troublemakers they look! 

My heart sank when Wilson saw them, but he is still pretty cross about sTony's refusal to write a reference for him when he applied to be General Manager of Stonehenge… so he decided not to buy any of them. 

Result! I am SO relieved! Now home to plant the ivy!

Demolition in progress

Today is warm and sunny, and Wilson, as good as his word, is in the garden working on his Folly. He has reduced its height significantly and I think it is much less overpowering now. He did admit to me that it had turned out quite a lot bigger than he'd expected. 

He says that if we pop out to the Garden Centre later he'll buy some ivy to train up the walls, and then the Folly's 'picturesqueification' will be complete.

I raise a difficult subject...

Despite minor concerns about his body image, Wilson has framed and hung his likeness on the dining room wall, right next to Diesel's portrait. He is very proud!

So, taking advantage of his good mood, I raised a topic that has been troubling me for some time: The Folly. When he first proposed building a folly in the garden, I imagined a small, picturesque ruin; what he has built is more like a complete castle. I asked him whether he'd consider making it a bit less overwhelming, a little more… quaint. 

He took this request surprisingly well, saying he'd get round to it as soon as the weather improved. I hope he's not just humouring me...

Fan Art!

There was much excitement when the postman called today — he brought 'fan mail' for Wilson! W tore open the envelope and inside there was a drawing of him. 'It's Fan Art!' he exclaimed. 'It's brilliant! I shall frame it and hang it on the wall, next to the photograph of Diesel the Goldfish!'

About an hour later he showed me the drawing again, and asked whether I thought it made him look stout? 

'Is that how people see me?' he asked. 'I've always imagined that I looked slimmer and more athletic.'

International Space Station

One of Wilson's friends told him that the International Space Station would be passing overhead last night, so after a day's keen anticipation we went out into the garden to observe it. 

The ISS was very bright and easy to see, but Wilson refused to believe that it was a space station. 

'I've seen space ships on tv' he told me, 'and they're way bigger than that! That's just a dot in the sky. What's supposed to be living on it — Russian and American ants?'

Suddenly he burst out laughing. 'They must be Antstronauts!' he spluttered.

When he went to bed he wrote in his diary, 'Saw shooting star. Made wish. Also made v. good joke about ants.'

A disturbed night...

What a night! Wilson watched Dr Who last night, and it seemed to press all his 'fear' buttons — he was terrified… but still adamant about watching. He sat on my lap, with his paws over his eyes most of the time, whimpering. Then he refused to to sleep in the tumble dryer, claiming that it was haunted, and insisted on sleeping with me. 

This morning, though, he seems fully recovered, waking me at the crack of dawn to ask whether I fancied moving to Wiltshire. He has heard that there is a vacancy for General Manager at Stonehenge with a salary of £60k, and he thinks that, what with his experience of managing sTony, he would be ideally suited to the post.

Now he's in the kitchen trying to persuade sTony to write a reference for him. 

I think that could take some time…

Record Store Day!

To celebrate NATIONAL RECORD STORE DAY, Wilson has brought out his treasured collection of Peter Dawson vinyl recordings (actually they're so old they're not vinyl, they're shellac) caressing them, smelling them and smiling nostalgically. 

Unfortunately he can't actually play them as we don't own a gramophone — which for the benefit of younger readers is a record player, probably clockwork, with a 78rpm setting — but he has got them all as MP3s so he'll be listening to them later on his (ie my) iPad! 

Free Gift!

Wilson has prepared a small gift for all his friends who are making and enjoying his secret Ant Gin recipe! He says that this bottle label will give a sense of professionalism to the brew, and 'increase the enjoyabilityness' of it.  

Having tasted his Ant Gin, I think its 'enjoyabilityness' could be increased only by something to take the taste away, though of course I would never tell him that.

TOP SECRET!

Okay, here it is: Wilson's secret recipe for Ant Gin.

Half-fill the empty wine bottle with ants. (This is the hardest part, as the ants never want to go in.) Then add sugar until the ants are covered. Finally fill the bottle with gin and seal tightly. Add the gin quickly, or the ants will have eaten all the sugar, which would spoil the drink.

Once the bottle is tightly sealed, shake it then leave it to mellow and age in a cool dark place. You should wait at least half an hour, more if possible — wait at least until the have ants stopped swimming about.

Serve in a warmed glass, or add it to your cooking if you like! Delicious…

Please remember that Wilson's mum, Mrs Vermilingua, must NEVER find out he has shared this recipe!

Wilson's secret is shared...

Wilson is coming under a lot of pressure to reveal his top-secret recipe for Ant Gin. Many people expected to find it in his new book, Wilson Vermilingua's Big Book of Free Stuff, and were disappointed to find that it wasn't, so he has reconsidered and agreed to share the recipe.

You will need:

   Fresh ants

   Gin

   Sugar

Gather the ingredients (or as Wilson likes to call them, 'ingrediANTs') together with a funnel and an empty wine bottle, and he will reveal the method tomorrow.

Not a word to Wilson's mum, Mrs Vermilingua, though!

Wilson receives some complaints

Wilson's book, the Wilson Vermilingua's Big Book of Free Stuff*, has been very well received, but some readers have expressed disappointment that it didn't contain his recipe for Ant Gin. 

I asked him about this, and he explained  that, 'Ant Gin is prepared from a secret recipe handed down to me by my mum, Mrs Vermilingua. It is my inheritance and my birthright. I shall never, never reveal it!'

*Still available as a free download from ISSUU:  http://tinyurl.com/d4hh6bb

Wilson's exciting tale

On the journey home, Wilson tells Antony and Tiny Toy all about the caves. The tour was good, but Wilson's telling of it makes it sound even more exciting… especially the part about the tour guide banging his head on a stalactite and losing his memory, so that Wilson had to guide everyone to safety. 

I confess I don't remember that bit.

Hot coffee!

Wilson finally bids farewell to Chiselhurst Caves and we head off to the gift shop and restaurant for hot coffee and a bun.