THE WIRELESS

For the weekend, Nërp has assumed Conducted Tour duties, to give Wilson time to prepare for tonight's Eurovision Song Contest.

With no visible signs of nervousness, Nërp commenced, 'Ladies and Gentlemen – welcome to this Free Guided Tour of the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff. My name is Nërp, and I shall be your Tour Guide today. I should like first to draw your attention to this small item labelled "Wireless"'. 

The visitors crowded round to peer at the small plastic box Nërp had indicated.

'It is allegedly a miniature unidirectional telecommunications device driven by discrete "transistors" – or "trannys", as they were colloquially known at the time.'

Nërp paused while the small group of visitors variously Ooh'd, Aah'd and muttered that if the tour weren't free, they'd be asking for their money back.

Resuming his commentary, Nërp announced, 'Doubtless you will have observed the delightful QUADROPHENIA 40th Anniversary Badges displayed adjacent to the Wireless. These may be purchased for a trifling sum in the Gift Shop – just ask Uncle Zoltan if you wish to acquire them, but it is recommended to approach him with a measure of… caution.'

HISTORY OF PHOTOGRAPHY

'These little black boxes', Wilson continued, moving on to the next display, 'are cameras. They date from The Leatherette Age, which is a geological period of pre-history coming just after The Wood Age, when everything was covered in Leatherette. My New Dad has confirmed that they really are cameras, although they don't have batteries or anywhere to put a memory card. They may be solar powered, because you could only take photographs if the sun was shining, and it was behind you.'

We all shuffled forward for a closer look.

'To the right of the cameras are some traditional "Anteater Playing Cards" – there are only three different cards in the pack, so they're best for playing games like Snap. I may design some more cards later, if I have time, but you can buy a pack of these in the Gift Shop. I think you'll love them!'

Moving on, he announced, 'Tomorrow, we shall see something confusingly called "The Wireless", which I think you'll find is very interesting…'

THE TOUR CONTINUES

The next exhibit Wilson proudly displayed was a pile of old Audio and VHS cassettes.

I think I recognise some of these, actually – I'm sure I remember recording that very Mix Tape…

I'm quite glad to live my life without cassettes now – iTunes and Netflix might be quite expensive, but at least they never chew up your recordings irretrievably!

I don't mean to be disloyal, but I hope Wilson's next exhibit is a bit more… well, interesting. 

Or old – old would be good, in a Museum.

EXHIBIT 1

Wilson is getting into his stride with his first Conducted Tour of the Museum.

'The first exhibit I would like to show you is this relic from a plane dating from the Great Ant Wars of 1921,' he began. 

'It was salvaged from the aircraft driven by my famous ancestor Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López, the legendary Blue Baron, and bequeathed to me in his Will!'

Tour members drew closer to examine this artefact.

'It is an instrument called a Knotometer. Or possibly a Knot-o-meter. Its purpose was to show that the knots securing the wings to the rest of the airplane were properly tied, so the wings and stuff wouldn't fall off while the plane was flying!' he announced confidently, before adding, 'Actually it might be pronounced Knot'o'Meter, nobody really knows for certain, which just adds to its interest…'

GUIDED TOUR OF THE MUSEUM

Wilson is just announcing the Terms and Conditions of his Free Museum Tours.

The chief condition appears to be that if you've mislaid your Free Admission Ticket, the Free Tour is going to cost you a Fiver! [£5 or about US $6.50]

I did warn you to keep that ticket safe…

If you require anything from the Gift Shop – which is now officially open – Uncle Zoltan will be happy to serve you. 

Well, he'll serve you, anyway. 

When dealing with Uncle Zoltan, my Top Tip would be: don't argue with him about your change!

GRAND OPENING CEREMONY

The whole family has gathered in front of the garden shed, um, well… that's to say The Museum, and Wilson has welcomed everyone to this exciting new educational (and, he hopes, profitable) venture.

'Before I cut the ribbon and declare this Museum open,' he announced, 'here is world-renowned comedian, Tiny Toy, direct from his sell-out gig at the Happy Ant Diner – please give it up for Tiny Toy!'

Wilson lifted TT and held him up to the microphone.

'Hello, good evening, welcome!' TT began. 'Do you know how many Roadies it takes to change a lightbulb?' He stretched out a tiny paw and tapped the Mic, saying, 'One! Two! One! Two! Two two two! – thank you, you're very kind. 

This reminds me of the time Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went to a Rock Museum. They walked around for a while when Watson noticed a rock that didn't have a display card. 

"What kind of rock is that?" he asked Sherlock.

"Sedimentary, my dear Watson!"

Thank you, thank you! I've been Tiny Toy, and you've been a wonderful audience – goodnight!'

Wilson thanked him then with a flourish of his scissors cut the ribbon and announced, 'I declare The Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff is now… OPEN!'

Everyone cheered enthusiastically!

Uncle Zoltan then began an interminable Drum Solo of the roof…

COMPLIMENTARY TICKET

Wilson has generously (and after much soul-searching) decided to give all his friends a Free Admission Ticket to the WILSON VERMILINGUA NEW MUSEUM OF OLD STUFF!

The Grand Opening will take place tomorrow, then from Sunday onwards he, Byron and Nërp will be taking it in turns to give Guided Tours of the museum, pointing out any specially interesting* or valuable* exhibits!

You will need your Free Ticket for these tours, so please put it somewhere safe until then.
_________________

*Please lower your expectations. No, a bit lower than that!

BEES' BLOG – PATRONS OF THE ARTS

Hello, we are 🐝Polly and 🐝Billi The Bees, and this is our Guest Blog.

It's a week late, because Wilson's New Dad's computer went wrong or something, but we think it's alright now, so here we go:

In our last Blog we showed you our Daguerrotype of the Old Queen, HM Queen Destiny-Tanisha the IV.

There was quite a lot of interest in that, so this time, we're showing you our Calotype of HRH Princess Stacey-Peppa.

To celebrate the opening of Wilson's New Museum, we are going to donate this valuable portrait to his Permanent Collection, thus making us Patrons Of the Arts!

Excuse me a moment – Johnson Major! Don't stand on Wilson's… um, stuff – it might look like old rubbish to us, but if you break anything, he'll be very upset! GET DOWN NOW! 

Sorry about that.

So, we've been The Bees, and we'll see you next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEE GOOD!

CONVALESCENCE

The iMac, freshly home from the iMac Hospital, is now tucked up in bed convalescing.

Wilson keeps fussing over it, offering it glasses of Lucozade and generally giving it the same TLC his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, gave him when he was a young cub with a grazed knee or an upset tummy.

It was a kind gesture for The Bees to bring grapes, but I hope no-one tries feeding them to the patient through it's

ThunderBolt Port…
_________________________

Since you've waited so patiently, here's a schedule of what you can look forward to over the coming days:

Wednesday – The Bees' Blog (postponed from 1st May);
Friday – a small but generous gift from Wilson;
Saturday – the Grand Opening of the Wilson Vermilingua New Museum of Old Stuff;
Sunday onwards Wilson will be conducting Tours Of The Museum, pointing out exhibits of special interest*

*Hmmm. I await that with curiosity – and a measure of scepticism...

HOSPITAL VISITORS

W E ' R E   B A C K !
 
As you must be aware, there have been no posts for several days.

This is because my iMac was suddenly taken ill, and has been in what Wilson refers to as the MacHospital undergoing surgery.

Last night we received a telephone call to tell us that it was now fully recovered and ready to be discharged! 🙂

Wilson together with Nërp (to do the carrying – iMacs are much heavier than they look) rushed straight round to collect it and bring it home.

At the moment it's on what W calls Light Duties, which is why this post is so brief, but I'm confident that everything will be back to normal very soon. 🤞

SLEEPIN' IN THE SUN

Antony and TT are exhausted, having been up Curating with Wilson and Byron well into the early hours.

Consequently, they are now dozing in the garden.

When Wilson came upon them, was pretty miffed at them taking a day off at such a critical stage of his preparations, and told them so.

'Lazybones!' he said, in quite a sharp tone, 'Sleepin' in the sun? How you gonna get your day's work done?'

TT just held up one paw and replied, 'As Carrie Snow once observed, "No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap".'

Antony added, '"The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more" – interestingly, your namesake Wilson Mizener said that.'

Finally TT told Wilson that everything would be fine: 'Just chill, Wilson Dude! To paraphrase Jane Pauley,
"You can't look at a sleeping stuffed toy anteater and be tense." You should try it!'

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM

Construction of the Museum Building is now complete!

Wilson and Byron have started unpacking the boxes of Old Stuff and arranging it on the shelves – it took them until late into the night, but the sooner the displays are finished, the sooner the Museum can start making them both rich.

Wilson has set his heart on opening to the Paying Public next Saturday, and is confident he can meet that date – so please keep that day free in your diary…

GOOD PROGRESS

The nice people from SKY have now repaired our Broadband Cable.

They told me it's now 'as good as new' and 'sound as a pound' but suggested I should keep anteaters with spades well away from where it's buried!

On the plus side, without the constant distractions of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Netflix, the boys have made excellent progress – Wilson is confident that if the weather holds, his new Museum should be ready by next weekend.

FOUNDATIONS

In any building, the most important consideration is to have Solid Foundations, and today Wilson, Byron and Nërp have started digging the foundations for the Museum.

I suppose the boys will be okay digging a big hole in the garden – they've got Nërp to keep an eye on them, and Wilson's Bitcoin Mine was much deeper than the foundations for this little shed.

However, I'm pretty sure the Broadband Cable is buried somewhere over there, so I hope they take care where they're digg

⚡️FZZZZZZT ⚡️

TO ME, TO YOU

Between them, Wilson and Byron have managed to manhandle [anteater-handle] one of the newly-painted walls to the site of the Museum.

Nërp is unable to assist on this occasion as he is suffering from VLC (Very Low Charge) but he is supervising the work and offering advice – in barely more than a whisper, to conserve what little charge remains.

Later, this being International Chocolate Day, everyone gathered to eat their Easter Eggs. 

Diesel the Goldfish had to have an emergency water change as his Cadbury's Creme Egg leaked into the water and contaminated it. 

Diesel protested, insisting that 'it tastes lovely!' but Wilson maintained that it was not a Safe Environment and imposed full Health and Safety Protocols…

🎶 THIS IS THE WAY WE PAINT THE WALLS 🎶

Now that Nërp has moved the walls, roof etc of Wilson's Museum into position, the boys have set to painting them.

Wilson has chosen a bright blue colour paint, and quite a lot of it is going on the grass – leading to a lot of jokes about Blue-Grass Music.

While they paint, the lads are singing:

🎶This is the way we paint the walls/Paint the walls/Paint the walls🎶
🎶This is the way we paint the walls/On a Summer's afternoon🎶

Which is allegedly a traditional anteater song sung for hundreds of years by skilled anteater craftsmen. 

Whether or not that is true, I can vouch for it being very annoying, as those are the only words, repeated ad-infinitum…

NERP TO THE RESCUE

As soon as we arrived home, Wilson ran into the house in search of Nërp.

He eventually located him in the garden discussing Abstract Expressionism with the sTone Brothers.

Soon, however, he was Manfully (well, Robotfully, I suppose) transporting structural parts of the Museum across the garden with relative ease.

'They're heavier than they look!' he would occasionally remark, while leaning against something for support.

The boys looked on in silent admiration of Nërp's undoubted strength from a safe distance…

WILSON'S GOOD IDEA

After a number of goes on all the rides and a quick look round the Toy Shop, we went to the restaurant for hot chocolate with marshmallows and hot cross buns.

Halfway through his hot chocolate – just after he'd been back to the counter to ask for some extra marshmallows – Wilson clapped his paw to his head, and exclaimed, 'Nërp!'

Byron and I (and several surprised diners) turned to stare at him.

Continuing, W explained, 'Nërp can do all the heavy lifting for us – work on the museum can proceed after all!'

On the drive home, Byron said he was a bit sad that he hadn't seen Father Xmas at the Mall, and I tried to explain the difference between Xmas and Easter.

Wilson, on the other hand, kept shouting, 'Drive faster, New Dad! Faster!' 

He's desperate to get home and resume work on the Museum…

TRIP TO THE MALL

Following yesterday's disappointing pronouncement, an air of melancholy has descended on the two lads. 

In an attempt to lift their spirits I've packed them into the car and driven them to a local Mall.

Byron very excited by the rides as, although they have similar rides at the zoo, he is not allowed on them – they are apparently for Visitors' Use Only which, while understandable, seems a bit mean.

Wilson, though, is still deeply troubled by the thought that his New Museum may never become a reality…

SITE TOUR

First thing this morning Wilson showed Byron round the Building Site, hoping he'd be suitably impressed by its scale and ambitiousness.

After inspecting the groundworks and the kit of parts, he eventually turned to Wilson.

'We can't do it, Bro – it's all just too… well, big. And heavy. We can't even lift the bits!'

Wilson was a bit crestfallen to hear this, and asked Byron whether he'd feel any better about the project if he gave him a Hard Hat and let him have a go on the Surveyor's Theodolite.

B shook his head sadly and said, 'I'm sorry, mate – I think it's beyond us!'