Happy Birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR WILSON, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

After a restless night in the tumble dryer, Wilson burst into my room shortly before dawn, wanting to know whether 'Father Birthdaymas' had been. Realising that resistance was irrelevant, I got up and we headed down to the living room where he unwrapped his presents.

His family sent their usual selection of identical birthday cards, and I gave him some Doctor Who figures and a train set. 

In addition, after Birthday Tea, I have a surprise planned for this evening!

Leaving...

Today we must leave Hastings to be home for Wilson's birthday tomorrow. Time first, though, for a ride on the Teacups and an (unsuccessful) attempt to win a soft toy on a Crane Grabber.

Wilson confided that he thought Hastings might be even better than Worthing, and he hoped our holiday in Jersey wouldn't be a disappointment after this trip to the jewel of the south coast. 

We didn't visit Hastings' caves on this trip, and I haven't mentioned them. Got to keep something back for our next visit!

Golf: a bit harder than it looks

When watching it on tv, Wilson has always thought golf looked easy-peasy, so he was anxious to try Crazy Golf (so as to avoid all the walking involved with real golf) now that he had the opportunity. 

On the way to the course he dragged me in to WHSmith as he said there was something he wanted to check.

I wonder how much that has cost? I imagine I'll find out when I get my VISA bill. On the bright side, W only narrowly beat me at Crazy Golf, admitting that it was 'a bit harder than it looks,' adding, 'but you are rubbish at it, New Dad!'

An exciting ride, followed by food

We rode the funicular railway to the top of the cliff and had some refreshments at a café overlooking the bay.

 Wilson was already pretty full as he hadn't stopped snacking since we arrived in Hastings, but he forced down some juice and cookies, then surveyed the town through the telescope.

Something less terrifying...

Denied a trip on the terrifying SpeedWave Ride, Wilson settles for a couple of more suitable amusements, Space Shuttle and Wack-A-Meerkat. 

When he's finished on those I've promised him we'll go to the top of the cliff for refreshments. He assumed that we'd be climbing the cliffs, but has grudgingly agreed to take the lift. 

Huh! Wilson is too short!

I was clearly right in thinking that Wilson still loves the Tellytubbies, as after his ride he offered his ice-cream to whichever the purple one is. Pinky Winky?

Next Wilson wanted to try a more grown-up ride, and ran onto the Wave Rider. The operator thought he might be too small and insisted he be measured. To my relief, however he stretched, and even including his ears, W couldn't quite reach the minimum height indicator and had to choose a ride suited to younger children. 

Bonjour tous les amoureux de fourmilier en France !

Hastings! The day starts well

Our first stop in Hastings was at an ice cream stall (obviously!) closely followed by a Tellytubbies Ride. Wilson always says that he's outgrown Tellytubbies, but I think he secretly still loves them. 

I was afraid taking the ice-cream onto a roundabout might have dire consequences, but all is well so far...

Wilson surprises me!

Wilson's birthday is only next week, and there has been a growing sense of anticipation around the house. To defuse his excitement I've decided to take him on a trip to Hastings.

We packed his bucket and spade and set off with Antony and Tiny Toy in the CoffeeMobile, but he insisted that we take a detour from our usual route, as there was something he wanted to show me. 

I wasn't prepared for that!

Birthday present

Wilson's birthday gift to Rowan was a pre-production pack of Oddsies! He's made several prototype packs by taking socks from my sock drawer — he's confiscated one sock from each pair I own, thus forcing me to, in effect, wear Oddsies! all the time.

I can't say I'm happy about this, but I must admit that it does save a lot of time in the mornings!

Birthday Barbecue Blues!

Here is Wilson cooking at Rowan's Birthday Barbecue! He repeatedly tells me that 'everything is under control' but he sounds a little less certain each time, and has already singed the fur on both his arms. 

I wish he would be more careful with the barbecue lighter fluid — this looks less like cordon bleu, more like conflagration!

Birthday preparations

Tomorrow is Rowan's birthday! Rowan is of one of Wilson's closest friends, and Wilson has promised to cook a celebratory barbecue. He's popped in to Tesco to buy the ingredients. 

I imagine I'll be spending the rest of today helping him thread ants onto kebab skewers...

CHECK THIS OUT! 

April has been a very busy month for Wilson Vermilingua OBE!

I've just uploaded the sixteenth monthly volume of Ant Wars II: April 2013 so you can catch up on anything you've missed.

Please tell all your friends, as it is Wilson's stated ambition for his life story to be, as he puts it, "As Popular Easter Eggs!". 

You can download it or read it online at:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/ant_wars_ii_april_2013

You can now SUBSCRIBE to Wilson's blog by email!

The BLOG is right here: http://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/

You can TRANSLATE Wilson's blog into other languages!

You can COMMENT on Wilson's blog — and he'd love to hear from you!

Photographs of the lovely WILSON are by Tamanduagirl at 

http://www.livingwithanteaters.com/ and are used by kind permission.

Wilson tells me a joke...

In the resulting mood of relief and jollity following Tiny Toy's recovery, Wilson told me a joke. This in itself is an unusual event as he isn't a 'joke' kind of person. However, he sat opposite me and said:

'How many ants does it take to change a lightbulb?' I shook my head and he continued, 'It doesn't matter — I'll eat them in the dark then get my New Dad to change the bulb!'

Giggling uncontrollably, he told me he was considering a career as a stand-up comedian, just in case his Oddsies! enterprise failed, then proceeded to tell me another:

'What's the difference between a Queen Ant and The Queen?' I shook my head again, and he thought for a moment and said, 'Well, one is The Queen of England, and the other… Oh, hang on, I haven't really thought this through.'

Panic over!

Tiny Toy was eventually located under the sofa. Wilson says Antony told him that Tiny Toy thought the socks were a bit obvious so chose a more unexpected hiding place. 

This is all too much for me.

Missing Person!

Ant Wars II:

We're having a bit of a crisis! Antony was playing hide-and-seek in a pile of Wilson's prototype Oddsies! and has lost his Tiny Toy somewhere. It was apparently Tiny Toy's turn to hide, and Antony couldn't find him; all he can tell W is that his toy is inside one of the socks. Probably. 

Antony's alternative theory is that his toy has been abducted by sTony, but I discount this on account of sTony being an inanimate (though admittedly sinister) statue.

A major search has ensued — W rummaging through all the socks while Antony looks on anxiously — so far without success. I have had to physically restrain Wilson from calling the Emergency Services. The atmosphere here is pretty tense!

Oddsies! A boon for the fashion-conscious gentleman!

Having grown exasperated waiting for me to dress in the mornings, Wilson has invented something of real value! He is calling his invention 'Oddsies!' 

What he proposes is that he makes it fashionable to wear non-matching socks by marketing packs of odd socks, or 'Oddsies!', thus saving the fashionable gentleman up to 10 minutes every day searching for matching or closely-similar socks. 

I objected that this was just wearing odd socks, but Wilson smiled and said, 'That's the beauty of the idea! You won't be wearing just odd socks, you'll be wearing Oddsies! You'll be wearing Oddsies! by Wilson Vermilingua! I will create a need, then I will fulfil that need. That is how fashion works!'

Perhaps he will, after all, be a millionaire before he is seven… he certainly has the inventive, entrepreneurial instinct!

My heart sinks...

Wilson and I went to the Garden Centre today to buy some ivy to grow over the folly. On our way to the plants we  passed the statuary area, and I saw the worst thing I have ever seen: a display of sTony's Friends and Relations. What a motley bunch of troublemakers they look! 

My heart sank when Wilson saw them, but he is still pretty cross about sTony's refusal to write a reference for him when he applied to be General Manager of Stonehenge… so he decided not to buy any of them. 

Result! I am SO relieved! Now home to plant the ivy!

Demolition in progress

Today is warm and sunny, and Wilson, as good as his word, is in the garden working on his Folly. He has reduced its height significantly and I think it is much less overpowering now. He did admit to me that it had turned out quite a lot bigger than he'd expected. 

He says that if we pop out to the Garden Centre later he'll buy some ivy to train up the walls, and then the Folly's 'picturesqueification' will be complete.

I raise a difficult subject...

Despite minor concerns about his body image, Wilson has framed and hung his likeness on the dining room wall, right next to Diesel's portrait. He is very proud!

So, taking advantage of his good mood, I raised a topic that has been troubling me for some time: The Folly. When he first proposed building a folly in the garden, I imagined a small, picturesque ruin; what he has built is more like a complete castle. I asked him whether he'd consider making it a bit less overwhelming, a little more… quaint. 

He took this request surprisingly well, saying he'd get round to it as soon as the weather improved. I hope he's not just humouring me...

Fan Art!

There was much excitement when the postman called today — he brought 'fan mail' for Wilson! W tore open the envelope and inside there was a drawing of him. 'It's Fan Art!' he exclaimed. 'It's brilliant! I shall frame it and hang it on the wall, next to the photograph of Diesel the Goldfish!'

About an hour later he showed me the drawing again, and asked whether I thought it made him look stout? 

'Is that how people see me?' he asked. 'I've always imagined that I looked slimmer and more athletic.'

International Space Station

One of Wilson's friends told him that the International Space Station would be passing overhead last night, so after a day's keen anticipation we went out into the garden to observe it. 

The ISS was very bright and easy to see, but Wilson refused to believe that it was a space station. 

'I've seen space ships on tv' he told me, 'and they're way bigger than that! That's just a dot in the sky. What's supposed to be living on it — Russian and American ants?'

Suddenly he burst out laughing. 'They must be Antstronauts!' he spluttered.

When he went to bed he wrote in his diary, 'Saw shooting star. Made wish. Also made v. good joke about ants.'