A new career move?

Yesterday Wilson saw a poster advertising a psychic medium. He was very interested in the concept, and last night he asked me whether it's genuine, as he'd like to speak with his Great Great […] Grandfather, Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López. 

I explained to him why I think psychic mediumship is not a genuine phenomenon but merely a clever con trick… and how I think it's done. 

Far from being disappointed that he can't speak to his ancestor, W is delighted, as he's sure this is something he can do. 

Wilson Vermilingua The Psychic Anteater.

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. 

Final preparations

Wilson has been fine-tuning his plans for the Red Carpet Premiere of Titanic: The Film. He has sent invitations to the Mayor of Uckfield, James Cameron (not David!), all the movers and shakers in the local Arts scene and (in spite of the recent unpleasantness when they accused him in print of being a sheep rustler) the local press. He tells me that there will be ant-based snacks a-plenty, and the Ant Wine will flow like water.

It should be quite an event!

Polling Station confusion

Ant Wars II:

Wilson has never struck me as a very political animal, so I was quite surprised this morning when he asked me to give him a lift to the Polling Station. 

There are three problems to this:
   1) he is not registered to vote;
   2) I'm not sure anteaters can register to vote and;
   3) there are no elections in our district today. 

But I was curious to know why W wanted to vote. I asked him about it, and he told me that he wanted to cast his vote for 'that nice Mr Cameron'. 

I was deeply shocked as I'd always assumed that, in spite of his capitalist tendencies, if anything W would be a bit of a socialist. 

After some discussion it emerged that there was some confusion in his mind between James Cameron (top film maker and W's hero) and David Cameron (posh bloke who doesn't know the price of milk). 

After we'd straightened that out, he said not to bother registering him to vote. 

Premiere preparations

Wilson's birthday draws ever closer. Although he'll be five, this will be his first ever birthday, so I want it to be a good one. I've bought him a few things, plus I'm planning a Big Surprise. W seems to respond well to big surprises, whereas I always regard them as cataclysmic tribulations!

W, meanwhile, is preparing for the Red Carpet Premiere of Titanic: The Film, even though there has been no interest shown by any of the many Hollywood executives he has approached. Now he says that an Art Cinema release would be altogether more appropriate anyway.

Tour Guide training programme

There is now nothing I don't know about my garden shed, its history and contents. It turns out that Wilson was not so much rehearsing giving his guided tours as training Antony and me to conduct them. 

I don't know what W is thinking of charging for entry to his Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff, but with all due respect, if Antony was my tour guide I would feel I had overpaid; Antony is, after all, only a small stuffed toy.

CHECK THIS OUT! 

What has Wilson Vermilingua OBE been doing this month? Have you missed anything? I've just uploaded the fourth monthly volume of Ant Wars II: APRIL 2012. 

Please tell all your friends, as it is Wilson's stated ambition for his life story to, as he puts it, "Go Totally Pandemic!". 

I think he means 'viral'.

You can download it or read it online at:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/ant_wars_apr_2012

Guided tour

Wilson is waiting for several Hollywood executives to return his calls. He is also grounded for his fly-posting exploit. 

However, he is utilising his time at home profitably by rehearsing his tours of The Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff. 

He does this by repeatedly giving me and Antony(!) a guided tour of what used to be known simply as The Shed. By now, there is not much that I don't know about the history of the shed and its contents… but at least he is waiving the admission charges for Antony and me.

Fly-posting...

Wilson snuck out last night and fly-posted The Picture House with adverts for his film. He's hoping that once the cinema-going public sees the posters and becomes aware of his film there will be a groundswell of opinion demanding a showing of Titanic: The Film at local cinemas. 

Reluctantly, I've grounded him.

Review from Britain's leading film critic!

So far, Wilson has had no luck in arranging a distribution deal for his movie. However, a moment ago he ran in to see me, very excited, to say he was listening to 'the wireless' and has just heard Mark Kermode, preview Titanic: The Film! 

W told me his review went: 

'What can I say? Titanic: The Film is bizarre, but mercifully brief. At seven minutes it is the perfect length - even one minute longer would have been too much, a minute less and there would be little more than the opening title and the end credits. If, against all reason, you do find yourself watching this film, whatever you do, don't walk out before the end - you will be surprised by the ending'. 

I think this is a bit negative, but W is very pleased. He says the cinema posters will be able to quote Britain's leading film critic!

Birthday thoughts

Wilson's birthday is drawing near. I know what he'd really like is a low-cost Positronic Brain with a USB2 connection for his Bear-Building Robot… but even when that's finally invented I think it will be too expensive for a birthday gift! I keep finding diagrams like these all over the place, so W still thinks it's possible to make this a reality.

Also, if he ever does get to build his robot, he'll start to worry whether it is 'real' and sentient... I know this anteater too well...

Distribution deals

Wilson has just announced that the post-production phase of Titanic: The Film is now complete! I'm impressed - he really has put his heart and soul into this project.

I'd better make this quick because right now he's waiting impatiently to get on the iMac so he can Skype some Hollywood execs to arrange a distribution deal. 

I fear that this might be more difficult than he imagines…

iPad dispute

Wilson has asked me whether it would be okay to put my iPad in his Museum of Old Stuff. I asked whether he wanted it for showing old films on or something, and he said he wanted it as an exhibit! AN EXHIBIT! My iPad! 

I was outraged, but he pointed out that it is only an iPod 1 - since that came out there have been the iPad 2 and the New iPad. Mine didn't even have a Retina Display, and he intended to put it next to his display of printed books, a fountain pen, a school slate and a box of Cosmic Anti-Dust blackboard chalks. 

I put my foot down, telling him that not only was it perfectly fine, it also had great sentimental value to me and had a very special laser-engraved message on the back. 

W was a bit grumpy about this, but he did promise not to sneak it into the museum. I think he's just hinting that I should buy him a New iPad of his own.

By the by, here are some car stickers for you to print out and stick in your car windows to make your friends jealous. Go on, you know you want to!

Skip diving

Wilson's fiver apparently didn't go far at the Charity Shops, so now he's rummaging through skips. I really don't approve of this, and I think I'm going to have to put my foot down.

When he gets back he's planning to start work on the cinema tickets and 3D glasses for Titanic: The Film. I told him that I'd assumed the cinema or the film distributors would take care of that sort of thing, but he explained that he didn't want to leave anything to chance. 

Commemorative poster issued!

Wilson has decided to raise some money for his museum by issuing a limited-edition Titanic: The Film poster signed by the entire cast and crew. He tells me that this will be available from all good cinema memorabilia shops and also direct from him.

Before the money from this starts rolling in, I've given Wilson a fiver to take to the many local Charity Shops to buy some exhibits for his museum. He's there now, choosing what to buy. 

I do hope he doesn't buy anything too big!

Draw Something

When editing Titanic: The Film gets too much for Wilson, he has started relaxing by playing Draw Something with me and some of his friends. He is such a perfectionist that I can't begin to compete in the quality of his drawings! Strangely, even though his drawings are so excellent, still I sometimes fail to correctly guess his word. Much to his annoyance. 

He spent some time watching The London Marathon on tv today - we were looking out to see his friend Jenny running, but we couldn't spot her. All the time we were watching, I was dreading that he would announce he might run in the 2013 London Marathon - he couldn't even watch it on tv without several naps!

Wilson limits his exposure

You may have noticed that you've not seen too many photos of Wilson lately. Actually, he's been dodging out of the way whenever I've produced my camera. 

When I asked him about this he told me that he was 'limiting his exposure' prior to the release of Titanic: The Film, when he planned a big publicity splash with 'loads of invitations to talk shows etc.' He said he was particularly looking forward to meeting Mr Jonathan Ross and Dr Mark Kermode the film critic.

Editing...

Wilson is now busy editing Titanic: The Film. He says what he really needs is a Moviola machine or a Steenbeck desk; what he actually has, however, is a pair of scissors, a roll of Sellotape... and a tiny Steenbeck label to stick on his scissors.

Strike the Set!

Actual filming of Titanic: The Film has now ended, and Wilson has informed me that it is now in Post Production. This, apparently, can 'make or break a movie.' 

He has now 'Struck the Set'  which means moving all his props, lighting, scenery etc out of the shed and moving in a load of useless old crap, because The Shed has now been re-designated The Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff.  

What with Post Production of the film, arranging all the exhibits in his Museum and preparing to open the gardens to the public, I really hope W hasn't taken on too much...

A noble sacrifice

Wilson is so pleased with the 'sinking' sequences that he's decided to leave them in the film. However, in his radical re-write of the ending, the Titanic is saved and bobs back up to the surface. 

A new character, a humble stoker from Costa Rica, who turns out to be (surprise!) a brave anteater, dives down and plugs the hole with some ant-flavoured queque seco (a sort of Costa Rican cake) which he had in his pocket and had been saving as a gift for his girlfriend in New York. 

Rewrite

Having now seen Titanic: The Movie, Wilson is re-writing his screenplay for Titanic: The Film. He told me he was changing the ending so it wasn't so 'downbeat'. 

'You mean Jack's not going to die?' I asked him.

'I mean the ship's not going to sink,' he replied.

This is weird because, whenever I watch a documentary about the Titanic, I find myself thinking, 'I think it might be alright this time'!

A harrowing scene is omitted

Wilson is very proud of the sinking scene, which he has just shown me. He explained that while in Mr James Cameron's movie the ship broke in half, he decided not to show that because it might be 'too harrowing for the audience'. And he has to return the model Titanic to its owner in one piece. If possible before he notices that he's lent it to Wilson.