It's now almost the middle of January, and the days should be getting longer – but early this afternoon I noticed that it was suddenly getting very dark in the living room.
Going outside to investigate, I found Wilson steadying a ladder against the house while Byron balanced precariously at the top attempting to fix a banner to the wall.
I was about to ask W what was going on when I was accosted by Nërp asking me whether I would like to join The Sloth Party for the trifling sum of £5 (cash only).
Hearing me pass up this offer, Wilson came over to enquire whether I was completely and utterly certain I didn't want to join, as the price of membership was about to increase to £10.
When I asked what on earth the Sloth Party was – and why I now appear to be living in its International Headquarters – Wilson told me that it was his new Good Idea – AKA moneymaking venture.
'Now that the Labour Party has been wiped out,' he explained, 'The Sloth Party is the new Centre Left political group for people who don't like Boris Johnson.'
'Isn't that the Liberal Democratic Party?' I asked.
'Poof!' he replied with a Gallic shrug, 'The LibDems are sadly a spent force. Disillusioned Labour voters are crying out for a dynamic new Centre-Leftish Party – and that's us! I am all set to be as popular as Tony Blair once was…'
Following his New Year's Eve realisation that yet another year has passed without his attaining millionairehood, Wilson has spent most of January in the dining room with Byron, doing some 'Serious Inventing'… although after several barren days he confided to me that he has a bad case of Inventor's Block.
He's grabbed a black coffee with a double shot of ant gin – apparently a Sovereign Cure for All Blockages (according to his Mum, Mrs V) – and he is now confident of coming up with a Top Notch Money Generating Idea before the day is out.
I can only fear the worst…
The sTone Brothers' Xmas was spent a bit differently to everyone else's.
It's not widely known, but stones do not generally celebrate Xmas, but having been caught up in the general excitement sTony and sToneye decided to host a Xmas Party for local underprivileged and orphaned stones!
In the photo you can see the brothers overseeing a boisterous party game, before a big sit-down Xmas dinner of sand with all the trimmings.
Discussing it later, they told Wilson that all the guests had really enjoyed themselves.
In the same way that I invariably think fish look miserable, I've always found it hard to tell whether or not stones are enjoying themselves, but I expect it's easier for other stones to perceive pleasure in their own kind – and in any case it was a lovely, kind and selfless gesture…
Today I'm going to show you what Wilson gave me for Xmas – a very thoughtfully-designed coffee mug (which does pretty much sum up my thought processes) and a new cover for my iPhone.
Tomorrow I will reveal the unusual and very kind way the sTone Brothers spent their Xmas.
Then I will finally try to put Xmas behind me and try to return to Normal Life – or as normal as life can be living with two precocious young anteaters…
Speaking for myself, I've had enough of Xmas now – I'd like to get on with life and face whatever challenges 2020 has to offer.
Wilson is still in his library trying to invent something groundbreaking with massive profit-making potential (so far without success) but the Johnson Brothers are very keen to show you their Xmas Present!
It's one of those wooden toys with a button on the base which, when pressed causes the toy to collapse into a heap.
I had similar toys when I was little, and never found them to have much play value, but Johnson maj. and Johnson min. seem delighted with theirs, which is a model depicting two insects dancing.
At least, I think they're dancing…
The insects are allegedly Bees, although to my untrained eye they rather resemble Ladybirds – which by coincidence is what the Johnson Brothers actually are.
Hello, Happy 2020, and welcome – we are 🐝 Polly and 🐝 Billi The Bees, and this is our first Guest Blog of 2020!
Today we are going to SOLVE A MYSTERY for you:
You must all have asked yourselves a million times, 'I wonder what it's like to be a Bee?'
Speaking as Bees ourselves, both Billi and I can tell you it's brilliant – hard but rewarding work, excellent social life, lots of dancing and of course our lovely little family of Johnson Major and Johnson Minor – but that doesn't really tell you what being a Bee FEELS like – but this will:
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/what-is-it-like-to-be-a-bee
But there is also a DOWNSIDE to being Bees: being poisoned by pesticides!
So far we haven't been, but sometimes we think that it's only a matter of time, and we both really fear for the world our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, will inherit…
Please join us in our fight against neonicotinoid pesticides – if the EU reverses its ban, or if that horrible Mr Johnson legasises them, it will be 💀curtains💀 for us Bees!
And as Billi is always saying, 'If the Bees go, you humans won't be far behind!'
I think that clever Mr Einstein actually said it first, but Billi is always saying it too, which is nearly as good.
Anyway, we've been The Bees, and we sincerely hope that we'll carry on being Bees!
Pesticides permitting we'll see you again at the beginning of February – until then, BEEEEEEEEE PESTICIDE FREE!
New Year's Eve is traditionally a time for reflection – a time to meditate on the successes and failures, the gains and losses of the outgoing year.
Wilson is in his library contemplating his last 12 months, by brooding over the fact that – despite his best efforts – he is still not a millionaire.
I have tried to comfort him by pointing out what a good Dad he is to Antony and TT, and how well he looks after and provides for the rest of his family, but he is inconsolable.
Byron is doing his best to comfort him, but doesn't really know what to say.
Wilson says that his New Year's Resolution must be to knuckle down and do some of his best-ever inventing and creative thinking – to which end both he and Byron are consuming prodigious quantities of Brain Food (AKA Cheesy Wotsits and Snowballs) and hoping to have a brilliant idea.
Inventing a new Hangover Cure would be a good start, as they'll surely both need one tomorrow…
Today it's the turn of Antony and Tiny Toy to show you their Xmas present – a toy helicopter!
Here you can see Wilson 'helping' them play…
Xmas Day started shortly before dawn and was marked by a blizzard of torn wrapping paper and Snowballs [a cocktail consisting of Advocaat Dutch brandy liqueur mixed with lemonade] but by early afternoon things had calmed down a little, and people had started playing with their presents.
Over the next few days many of the children want to show you their gifts, but Wilson insisted on going first because, as he pointed out, it's his Blog, but has kindly allowed his brother Byron to share the limelight too…
… and all through the house…
everybody was extremely hyper – I don't suppose anyone will get any worthwhile sleep tonight.
I'm sure it wasn't like this in the famous poem, but young anteaters are notoriously more excitable than children…
Even Uncle Zoltan has been heard inquiring, 'Has Father Xmas* been yet?' a few times.
However, the Vegetarian Mince Pies, Carrots and Ant Gin have been laid out by the hearth, and as everybody grows increasingly tired, there is finally some talk of going to bed – soon, but not yet!
I shall be taking a break from the Blog for a few days, so Wilson, Byron and I would like to wish you all a Very Happy Xmas from everyone here!
We'll see you again very soon – not least because I know everybody will want to show you their presents!
_________
*Santa
Wilson and Byron have now completed all their preparations for Xmas and are waiting impatiently in the dining room for it to be Xmas Eve, using cocktails to help them pass the time.
Byron keeps asking when it will be HIS turn to wear the Mistletoe deely-boppers.
Wilson has agreed to let him have a go with them, once he has successfully kissed someone himself, 'Just to make sure the mistletoe is working properly'…
Found this Fridge Magnet this morning – Wilson must have been Midnight Snacking…
Every family has its own Xmas Traditions – one of ours is for Wilson to make a Xmas Card to send to all his friends, and he's just completed this year's.
It's a logistical nightmare, much harder than you might think – just getting everyone together at the same time is an achievement in itself, then you have to keep everyone still, stop the younger children fighting and messing about, ensure that everybody has their eyes open when the shutter clicks, it's a major operation – it's just a good thing we only have to do it once a year!
I don't know how to break this to you, but here are yet more DIY Xmas decorations.
Two of them date from last year, so you've probably already printed them, cut them out and thrown them away, but just so you don't feel too short-changed, there is one NEW design too: a Xmas Bauble featuring what W describes as 'A wonderful Golden Anteater Angel!'
I'll leave it for you to judge just how Wonderful it is – and please don't send me the bill for the printer ink you must have gotten through in the last few days.
On the plus side, this is the LAST DAY you'll be getting home-made decorations!
As Xmas grows ever closer the residents of Chez New Dad will doubtless be sending out their Xmas Cards, worrying about whether they names appear on the Naughty or the Nice List, and generally waiting impatiently to hear Sleighbells In The Snow…
Not especially Xmassy as far as I can see, but today's Free Download is a Xmas Spaceman designed by Wilson and a Xmas Robot designed by Nërp.
Nërp has pointed out that you could use the Xmas Robot as a Place Setting Name Card at meal times if you were to write people's names on the little screen, but neither he nor Wilson can think of any specifically Xmas-related use for the Spaceman figure beyond Wilson's (totally unsubstantiated) assertion that 'Nothing says Xmas like an Anteater in a Space Suit!'
Today's Xmas Decoration to Make and Treasure is a variation on the tyrannical Elf On The Shelf – except it's an Anteater!
The instructions must surely be annoyingly familiar by now:
• Print it
• Cut it out
• Fold it where shown
Then when it's complete (unless already consigned to the Waste Bin)
• Sit it on a shelf
• Reposition it every night…
I am happy to say that Elves on Shelves were not a thing when I had young children – I don't count Wilson as a young child because, although young, he is old WAY beyond his years…
These will be, Wilson assures me, Heirlooms of the Future, and may well turn up on some far-distant episode of Dickinson's Real Deal… if so, I imagine the Dealers will be using loose change rather than paper money to buy them…
Anyway, here is the first of Wilson's Xmas Decorations to Make and Treasure – it's a Xmastree Bauble in the shape of an ANTeater with ANTlers…
The instructions are to print it on to thin cardboard, cut it out and hang it on your Xmas Tree, but W counsels you to be very careful with the cutting-out, as in the past he has had some nasty scissor-related incidents resulting in embarrassing bald patches in his fur.
If in doubt, he says, get a grown-up to help you!
Since Wilson came to live with me way back in 2011 I have handed out many hundreds of business cards like those in the picture.
If you are reading Wilson's Blog because you were given or found one of his cards, could you let me know?
Wilson and I would be very grateful!
Here it is – Wilson's Xmas Favourites Old and New CD, featuring the Wilson Vermilingua Xmas Singers!
Wilson assures me that it's available in All Good Record Stores.
I questioned his use of the word 'All', since I knew that some shops had churlishly refused to stock it, but he said if there were record stores that didn't have it they couldn't properly be described as 'Good', which I suppose makes a certain kind of sense.
Anyway, you can buy a copy in the Village Record Shop – although they agreed to take only ten copies (and those are on Sale or Return) which leaves us with only 1⁹⁹/₁₀₀ boxes still in the house…
Wilson has waited as long as could reasonably be expected, and I've finally let him go into the village with Byron (assistant chooser) and Nërp (senior carrier) to buy a Xmas Tree.
Now they – together with the rest of the family – are in the living room preparing to decorate it.
Obviously there is great excitement, and no shortage of unwanted advice – chiefly from Uncle Zoltan, who claims he once lived in a nest adjacent to Santa's Grotto in a Department Store and is thus an acknowledged Authority on Xmas Tree Dressing.
Wilson is doing his best to ignore Uncle Z – but in as tactful a way as possible in order to minimise his risk of being stung…
