Following Wilson's Pencil research yesterday, I have received a surprisingly large invoice for a 100-pack of Tombow Mono 100 pencils.
Now, in spite of us only having just returned from our holiday in Weston-super-Mare, he is lobbying to go on holiday to the Lake District, so that he can visit the Pencil Museum there.
Additionally, a new series of Star Trek started last Monday, and W is also mounting a campaign to subscribe to Netflix so he can watch it.
I love Star Trek as much as anyone, but what with the expense of our last holiday and the costly pencils – not to mention Xmas – I simply don't think we can afford it.
In other news, Wilson was a bit put out that he was away for International Talk Like A Pirate Day – he said he tried Talking Like A Pirate at the Zoo, but nobody understood what he was saying...
Now that things are approaching what passes here for Normality, Wilson has settled down to do some research on Pencils, before starting work on designing his Ant Identifying Pencil.
Pencils, he tells me, are WAY more interesting than you might think – for example, did you know that Napoleon was responsible for the modern pencil?
Or that, before rubber erasers, people used to rub out their mistakes with bread?
Or that the Japanese make today's most sought-after and expensive pencil, the Tombow Mono 100?
I will freely admit that, while I didn't know most of these things, my life does not feel greatly enriched by having acquired this knowledge...
Following his visit to his family, Wilson has now sorted some things out in his head.
As he proudly hung the portrait of his Great Great […] Grandfather, Alberto Victor Gutiérrez-López (who grew up to be the legendary Blue Baron in the Great Ant Wars of 1921) he explained to me:
1) he will continue to call his biological grandmother (ie Mrs Vermilingua) Mum;
2) he will continue to call his biological mother (ie Andrea) Andrea;
3) he will continue to refer to – and think of – his biological uncle (ie Kenneth Byron Eustace Vermilingua) as his half-brother, and continue to call him Biro!; and finally
4) he will continue to refer to me as his New Dad.
In another piece of news, Andrea has revealed the TRUE date of Wilson's birthday. However, he's quite keen to keep his 'official' birthday going too.
TWO birthdays a year? I've told him I'll think about it...
I've just collected Wilson from the Zoo.
I was pleased to see that he seemed much happier than before, and his Sister/Mother (I don't yet know how to refer to her) Andrea came out to see him off.
They hugged and nuzzled, and there were a few tears, before W turned businesslike, climbed into the Juke and said, 'Okay, New Dad – I'm back! Next stop: Uckfield! Warp Factor Two – Engage!'
I'm looking forward to hearing what happened during his visit with his family, and I hope he got his relationships sorted out in his head...
I was just sitting here thinking how quiet, tranquil, frankly boring life is when Wilson's away... when my phone Pinged with a WhatsApp from the lad himself!
I'm to collect him from the Zoo tomorrow – I wonder how he got on with his family, furnished as he is with all his new awareness and self-knowledge?
Wilson was deeply affected by the letter and gift he received from Andrea a few days ago.
So much so that he has decided he must visit her and the rest of his family for a few days, to 'Sort some things out.'
Sadly this means there won't be any updates for a little while — however Wilson has just put the finishing touches to a free e-book, which he hopes will ease the pain of separation for you.
It's the SECOND EDITION of the popular Souvenir Booklet which he produced a little while ago to accompany his famous (AKA Notorious) Cultural Tour of Uckfield Bridge.
The new addition is lavishly illustrated and has a commemorative poem in the style of Wilson's Poetry Hero, Mr William McGonegall.
Download your free souvenir e-booklet by clicking HERE!
Throughout the journey home, Wilson insisted that he wouldn't even open the mysterious parcel from Andrea!
Once we arrived, though, his resolve began to weaken... until at last his curiosity got the upper hand and he tore the wrapping open.
Inside there was a very old, framed photograph, and a handwritten letter from Andrea.
The letter said many things, one of them being that the photograph was of Wilson's Great, Great … Grandfather as a child – who grew up to be the legendary Blue Baron of the Great Ant Wars of 1921. This is a precious family heirloom, which Andrea was entrusting to W's care.
Also in the letter was a very personal message to W.
He did not read that part aloud to us, but as his eyes scanned across the hand-written lines, a tear formed and ran slowly down his sniffer.
The Helicopter Museum is brilliant – but as I feared, Wilson is in a grumpy mood because of the parcel from Andrea.
He just glanced cursorily at the helicopters, sat listlessly in the Flight Simulator and wasn't even interested in any snacks from the café.
'I've cut her out of my life, New Dad!' he said. 'She's lied to me all my life, and now I don't want to hear from her. And I don't want her parcels.'
However, he brightened up – almost against his will, because he was in the middle of a major sulk – when he came across this Budgie the Little Helicopter ride!
Budgie was overshadowed and almost hidden by the surrounding 'real' choppers, but W cracked a small smile and ran towards him.
I pulled a handful of £1 coins from my pocket and dared to hope W's mood might lift...
Today — our last day here — we're going to the Helicopter Museum, but first Wilson insisted on re-visiting the Grand Pier for a final ice-cream.
Now we're there he keeps giggling about something, but he won't say what.
Also, there's something odd about the pier, but I just can't put my finger on what it is...
In other news, Wilson has received a text message from The Bees: apparently a large parcel arrived addressed to Wilson, which needed to be signed for — they're worried that they may have done the wrong thing in forging his signature.
The parcel's return address shows that it's from Andrea at The Zoo...
After dinner, we spent our last evening here quietly in our room.
I watched the Big Wheel slowly turning just outside our window, occasionally waving to the curious passengers staring in at us, while Wilson lay on the bed composing his Trip Advisor review of the Cheddar Gorge Bus Tour and researching his new invention, the Ant-Identifying Pencil.
He also researched the contents of the Mini-Bar. Quite thoroughly.
After a couple of Mini Gins with Ants, he admitted that he felt a bit guilty about what happened in the local TESCO Supermarket before we came away, but he had a plan to make it up to them.
He wouldn't tell me what this plan was — so I just hope it doesn't make things worse.
Tomorrow we're going to another great attraction, before we head for home...
In the 1960s, although I had a few "Rocker" friends, I was of the Mod persuasion.
With NATO Parka, high-crowned Pork-Pie Hat, Desert Boots and Lambretta scooter, I was there when The Who played Brighton Aquarium!
Imagine my delight, then, when I learned that Weston-super-Mare is home to The Lambretta Museum! I believe it's the ONLY Lambretta Museum in the world!
There was an embarrassing incident where Wilson was under the misapprehension that this was a Lambretta SHOP, and we had gone there so I could buy him a scooter...
Before too long the driver arrived and started the bus engine, the tour guide climbed up the stairs and introduced himself, and we set off up the Gorge!
The tour was very interesting — including as it did many fascinating facts about the gorge, the caves and their history — although it was much briefer than we had anticipated!
As we left the bus, Wilson whispered to me that Trip Advisor would be hearing about the tour's brevity!
Then he asked me whether the Tour Guide had been Cheddar George...
While we're out and about, we're going to visit an attraction which Wilson may not find quite so interesting, but which I've been looking forward to.
It's back in Weston, and there's just time to fit it in before dinner tonight...
Our Cheddar Caves Tickets included a trip on the Cheddar Gorge Tour Bus, so we made our way down to the foot of the Gorge to board it.
While waiting for the Driver and Tour Guide to arrive, Wilson was playing with his Cheddar Caves Souvenir Pencil when he had a 'Totes amazing' idea which is apparently a 'Complete game-changer'.
Moreover, he's had this idea in time to catch the 'Lucrative Xmas Stocking-Filler Market!'
He eventually revealed that this unique and astounding idea is: The Ant-Identifying Pencil but insisted I didn't tell ANYONE – so I'm relying on your absolute discretion here!
Hmmm. Excuse me if I sound a tad underwhelmed, but I've heard about quite a few of W's game-changing ideas in the past...
😕
Leaving the Caves, we made our way into the inevitable Gift and Souvenir Shop where, although very tempted by Cuddly Dinosaurs, W eventually bought some sweets and a Cheddar Caves Souvenir Pencil.
I've noticed that Wilson has now started calling our holiday base Weston-super-Meerkat, and once we'd left the shop he complained that he hasn't seen any meerkats... just like he never saw any canaries in the Canary Islands.
I'd try to explain, but really, what's the point?
Wilson did indeed love the caves... until we came to a human skeleton, which made him a tiny bit nervous.
The skeleton was actually a replica, representing the real one found on the site when it was excavated in 1903.
The male remains dated from the Mesolithic Era (around 7150BCE), and met a violent end, although the circumstances of his death are still unknown.
The original (Britain's oldest complete human skeleton) is now in London's Natural History Museum — don't say this stuff isn't educational!
As we left the caves, Wilson asked, 'So, when are we going to meet this George bloke? I hope he wasn't that skeleton!'
Hello, we are The Bees, Polly and Billi, and this is our Guest Blog!
Today we have something a bit special for you, as we've flown up to London's ExCel Centre to see a series of lectures called 'The World's Most Amazing Animal' which is all about – Honey Bees! Yay!
We've brought our children, Johnson Major and Johnson Minor, with us so they can learn about their Wonderful Bee Heritage!
Anyway, we'd better go now so we can be sure of getting some good seats, nice and near the stage!
We've been The Bees, and we're very excited!
We'll see you again next month, so until then: BEEEEEEEE GOOD!
🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝
In spite of being very busy having fun on holiday, Wilson has just managed to complete this, the latest addition to his FREE 2017 CALENDAR PARTWORK.
Allow me to present for your pleasure and delectation:
SEPTEMBER 2017!
...or as Wilson insists on calling it, Cheddar George.
'Who is this Cheddar George then?' he asked me, 'Is he some kind of Cheese Expert?'
In fact, Cheddar Gorge is a limestone ravine in the Mendip Hills, famous not only for its cheese but also its caves (where the cheese is still stored and matured).
As a great Tunnel Enthusiast, I think W will love the Caves.
And the Gift Shops.
And the Cafés.
At the entrance to the caves there were a number of ticket choices available – Wilson, unsurprisingly, chose the option which not only admitted us to all the caves but also included free coffee and cake in the Restaurant, and a trip on the Cheddar Gorge Tour Bus.
Wilson, although reassured that we would not be attending The Wurzels concert, complained that he already had I've Got A Brand-New Combine Harvester firmly stuck in his head, and it was, as he picturesquely put it, totes doing his nut in!
Some distraction was obviously required, and soon! Fortuitously he happened to spot Donkey Rides taking place on the sand not far away.
I hope by the time he returns and has had a chat with his steed, the Wurzels Ear-Worm will be well and truly banished.
Although... I seem to be stuck with it now!
Strolling along the Prom we came across a poster advertising an appearance by "Scrumpy & Western" band The Wurzels.
It seems that they are TT's favourite band in the whole world, and he – supported by Antony – is arguing strongly that we should go to one of their concerts on the Pier.
Wilson's – whose tastes tend more to Cohen and Dylan – is making a strong counter-argument that The Wurzels are 'Bucolic bumpkins singing ear-wormy songs with facile lyrics' who should be avoided at all costs.
Both arguments, however, turned out to be pointless, as closer examination of the poster revealed that The Wurzel's appearances had been in July.
_____
Wilson has received a further Text from The Bees pointing out that a Family Ticket to the The World's Most Amazing Animal Lectures costs 'only' £60.
I ask Wilson to reply suggesting that they just fly in without paying.
Who knows – as honeybees, at a lecture about honeybees, they might be welcomed as Guests of Honour!
