Technical Problems cause disappointment

Wilson is puzzled and disheartened by the fact that, while some people can see his Music Video just fine, others can't. 

It seems to play okay on Macs, PCs and Android devices, but not on iPads. He looks to me for help, but I really don't know what to say — I'm not very technical like that. 

I try to comfort him with the fact that, of those who could see the video, the response has been very positive. Considering.

'This isn't the way to make it go Viral, New Dad!' he complains morosely… 

Anyway, he's made a poster to help promote it.

Music Video World Premiere

The sense of expectation in the room was palpable as Wilson pressed the PLAY button with his claw and the video started…

If you can't see and hear the video here, please use this link:

http://youtu.be/3XvG-IxEURU

Wilson assuages his guilt

At this point, showing great bravery and presence of mind, Wilson turned off the robot's Emergency Switch, thus saving the day. 

Ever since then the robot has been a static exhibit in Wilson's 'Museum of Old Stuff And a Robot' but every time he enters he feels the reproachful gaze of the defunct android upon him, and a shiver of guilt passes through him. 

He always maintained that the robot could easily have passed the Turing Test, if only he hadn't been trying to rip everyone to pieces…

So this record, dedicated to The Robot, is Wilson's apology, his expression of regret, his act of contrition for turning off a sentient machine.

Anyway, today everyone has gathered in the living room to see the first ever showing of: (Don't Make Me Be) This Machine -- the Music Video. 

W outlined the above story for the benefit of those too young or too vague to remember the incident, then pressed PLAY on the remote. 

The screen burst into life and there was an expectant intake of breath from the assembled...

A mystery is revealed...

Wilson's parcel arrived last Monday, but we've been too busy to tell you what was in it!

W carried the package proudly into the kitchen, opened it and removed a load of 7-inch vinyl records — I didn't even know they were still a thing. 

When I questioned him about them, he asked me whether I remembered 'The Robot.'

How could I ever forget?

A couple of years ago, Wilson watched a documentary on TV about an orphanage for baby sloths, and apparently each sloth needs a soft toy to cuddle — it seems they can't survive without this comfort. 

W designed and built a robot to help him make teddy-bears, which he intended to send to the orphanage for the sloths (the bears, not the robot!)… but once he switched the robot on it ran amok!

First it ripped apart several prototype teddy-bears, then tried to do the same with little Antony and Wilson!

To be continued...

The Facts of Life

Hi, this is Polly-B and Billi-B, the Bees, guesting on Wilson's 'Antwars 2' Blog once again.

Today we will start to tell you the true facts about the Birds and the Bees, sometimes called The Facts Of Life!

First of all, forget all the fairy-tales about ovipositors and suchlike you may have heard, the truth is much, much worse…

One day each year, called BeeDay, all the young girl bees dress up as Princesses in tiaras and tutus. Some of the boy bees do the same, but make no mistake: the Hive is not an equal-opportunity environment, and they soon get asked to leave.

Then all the little princess bees take part in a beauty pageant, to see which is the most beautifulest, friendliest and kindest bee of all. I'm not going to lie, this does involve a fair amount of eye-gouging, wing-pulling and leg-biting — quite a lot like your human Miss World contest.

Then finally, one princess bee remains conscious and able to walk down the bee-walk [it's like a cat-walk, but smaller and with more pollen] and is crowned Queen Bee!

Next month, we'll tell you what happens thereafter… but before that, here is an important announcement: 

If you should come across an exhausted bee on the ground, it's probably been overworking. Please dissolve a little sugar in a teaspoon of water and offer it to the bee. This could actually save its life!

Online Delivery Tracking

Today I found Wilson in the living room with his MacBook and looking a bit suspicious, as though he didn't want me to see what he was looking at.

'What's up, matey?' I enquired.

W shuffled around in his seat, before replying evasively, 'Um… nothing?'

I raised one eyebrow and fixed him with a stern stare. Antony coughed, and whispered to W, 'You're going to have to tell him eventually!'

W took a deep breath and said, 'Okay, I'm tracking a parcel — but you can't ask me anything about it as it's a complete secret!'

I let it lie, as I know I'll find out soon enough… for good or ill.

Tomorrow is the day of the Bees' Guest Blog. They say that they'll be starting on their series on The Facts Of Life, and suggest you might want to sit down before you start reading it.

Incidentally, my EarWorm seems to have subsided, thanks for asking. 

That is such a relief — it was driving me mad!

Souvenir Rock

After Wilson had opened his birthday presents, he distributed the rest of his sticks of souvenir Great Yarmouth Rock.

W's goldfish, Diesel, always looks forward to his stick, as does sTony, but his brother sToneye never really sees the point of it and usually lets sTony eat his.

In other news, who knew Ear Worms were contagious? Guess who's got Spanish Harlem Incident stuck in his head now? Me! 

Grrrrr...

Belated Birthday Wishes

Once Wilson had woken and staggered out of his bed into the kitchen, he found everyone gathered and waiting to sing Happy Birthday to him.

Uncle Zoltan had baked a beautiful birthday cake, but he was a bit put out by our tardiness.

'It's probably quite stale by now!' he remarked, testily; 'I baked it in time for your birthday, but that was over two weeks ago! You're lucky we didn't eat it without you! It's really not good enough.' Then as an afterthought, he added, 'Oh, Happy Birthday.'

The cake proved to be delicious, in spite of it's age — Wilson told Uncle Z that it had probably matured by being kept — and once everyone had eaten their fill of it, W handed out souvenir sticks of Great Yarmouth Rock.

Ear Worm

Throughout the journey home, Wilson incessantly hummed, whistled or sang the Bob Dylan song, 'Spanish Harlem Incident' — you might be able to imagine how annoying that was. No, more annoying than that.

It didn't help that he knew only two lines of the lyrics, and had at best a tenuous grasp of the tune. He apologised, but said he couldn't help it as the song was just stuck firmly in his head. 

His singing was eventually replaced by his snoring as we passed through Crowborough — only about nine miles from Uckfield, so the relief, though welcome, was short-lived.

We finally got home quite late. Everyone else had gone to bed so I lifted Wilson out of the passenger seat, carried him into the house and popped him into his tumble-dryer for the night…

A Life Story

Just before we reached where we'd left the car, we passed a pub with an elderly chap, possibly the Town Crier, sitting outside. He nodded to us both, and addressed Wilson, saying, 'Hello young sir! You're not from these parts, are you now?'

I'm not usually in favour of W speaking to strangers outside pubs, but as I was there to keep an eye on him I nodded, and Wilson ran over to the man. 

'What sort of a fellow are you, then?' the man asked. In reply Wilson handed him one of his Consulting Detective business cards and proceeded to tell him all about his holiday… followed by his life story… all apparently without stopping for breath. The poor man couldn't say a word!

Eventually I coughed and pointed at my wristwatch to let W know we should be heading off, and he said goodbye and ran back to me.

'Interesting chat, Wilson?' I asked.

'Cor, does that man know how to talk — I could barely get a word in edgeways!' he replied without a hint of irony.

We climbed into the car and, rather sadly, said farewell to Southwold. 

In just a few hours we should be back home…

Southwold Lighthouse

Leaving the pier we passed a row of very pretty beach huts and Wilson, remarking on how lovely they were, asked whether he could have one for his birthday. Sadly that won't be happening as Southwold's beach huts are among the most expensive in the country, being priced at between £50,000—£100,000 each! 

W took this news well, reflecting that it would be quite a long drive to Southwold and there were perfectly nice (and much cheaper) beach huts in Hove and Seaford, which are both much nearer home. 

Or I suggested he might have a shed in the garden painted to look like a beach hut.

Making our way through the centre of this beautiful little village, the lighthouse seemed as characteristic of it as the Eiffel Tower is of Paris, visible from everywhere. 

Speaking of which, Wilson really wants to go to Paris one day. Also Venice, as long as he doesn't fall into a canal.

Quantum Reality revealed!

While Wilson quenched his thirst with an ice-cold Pepsi and his hunger with a toffee-apple, we strolled to the pier head where we came across one last Tim Hunkin machine: the Quantum Tunnelling Telescope.

W was not to be denied a peek through this, and we soon found what proved to be our last £1 coin. 

Popping it in the slot, he peered through the eyepiece and gasped! Then he swung the telescope round and gasped again!

'What is it?' I asked, 'What can you see?'

'I can't really explain,' he replied enigmatically, 'I can see everything like through an ordinary telescope, but it's sort of somehow revealing the world of Quantum Reality too…'

As you can imagine, my curiosity was well and truly piqued, but we didn't have another coin for me to have a go myself.

Anyway, it's high time we thought about heading back to Uckfield, where we can celebrate Wilson's well-overdue birthday!

Walking the Dog

Wilson has always been very wary of dogs, interpreting what is probably just natural curiosity as aggression. Therefore Tim Hunkins' 'Rent-a-Dog' machine seemed the ideal opportunity for W to experience the joy of walking a pet that wouldn't pose a threat. (He has a pet goldfish, Diesel, but he rarely leaves the house apart from when he goes Carol Singing.)

Wilson stood in the machine and inserted his coin, whereupon the robotic dog — which appeared to be modelled on a Bull Terrier, a dog W would normally give a wide berth — turned its head, looked up and seemed to smile at W. 

Then a treadmill started under Wilson's feet, and another, smaller treadmill under the dog's feet, while scenery scrolled past on two monitors, one for W and one for the dog.

When the machine stopped a couple of minutes later, Wilson claimed that the walking had left him 'Totes exhausted!' and he was in urgent need of a cold drink and a toffee apple before he swooned away…

Chiropody

Once we reached the Under The Pier Show Wilson was entranced, and insisted on trying everything, including The Bathyscape, Fly Drive, The Gene Forecaster, Whack-A-Banker and The Frisking Machine.

In the picture you can see him using The Chiropodist apparatus. He put one foot into the 'treatment bay' and inserted a coin; after a moment the 'Chiropodist' in the window disappeared into the bottom of the cabinet as Wilson leapt away like a scalded cat!

'She's interfering with my foot, New Dad!' he screamed. 'If any of my claws are damaged, I shan't hesitate to sue, you know!'

What the Butler Saw

We set off along the pier, but before we reached The Under The Pier Show Wilson spotted an old Mutoscope or 'What The Butler Saw' and insisted on having a go on it. 

He inserted a coin and pressed his face into the hood while turning the handle. I waited until the machine finished and asked him what he'd seen.

'I couldn't possibly tell you, New Dad — you would be too, too shocked!'

Southwold Pier

Architecturally, Southwold's pier is nothing to get excited about, but what makes it special is an amusement arcade called 'The Under The Pier Show.' 

This is filled entirely with coin-operated machines designed and made by eccentric English engineer and inventor Tim Hunkin — and that is where we're headed!

Lawn Bowling

The first thing Wilson noticed about Southwold is that it has a lighthouse in the middle of the village, right among the shops and houses!

The second thing he noticed was a lot of people playing Bowls, and after his recent triumph at ten-pin bowling he thought he'd like to try lawn bowling. Which is a very different kettle of fish.

While I parked the car, W ran down to the bowling greens to challenge the local players. By the time I arrived there was a bit of a stand-off, as W had been told that he couldn't play unless he had his own set of 'woods' [the bowling balls] and wore protective shoes. 

He argued the toss for a while, before accepting that he wasn't going to change their minds, and we headed towards The Pier. 

As we left, he muttered under his breath, 'They don't want to risk losing to a talented and mysterious stranger! People can be very cliquey towards outsiders — I've seen it again and again on "Doc Martin"!'

Leaving Day

After all the bowling, I think my shoulder is starting to stiffen up. Wilson was concerned that I might be unable to drive, and tried selflessly(!) to insist that I booked a few more nights here at the hotel… but once I'd told him of my plan to stop off in Southwold, he seemed anxious to get me in the car and set off!

If you remember the period tv drama series 'Upstairs, Downstairs' Southwold was where the family and most of their servants always went for their summer holidays. Not that it was much of a holiday for the servants, of course.

Final night..

This is the last time we shall sit in the hotel lounge, for tomorrow we set off for home.

It's always sad when a lovely holiday comes to an end, but our journey back to Uckfield takes us very close to a tiny Victorian village called Southwold, which has quite a special pier. 

I don't suppose it would hurt to stop off there for just a little while on the way home…

Victory photo

As we left the Bowling Lanes and headed along the pier back to shore, Wilson wanted to celebrate his Victory (or Rout, Trouncing, Crushing Defeat or Massacre as he variously described it) with a commemorative photograph of the two contenders. 

We enlisted the help of a couple of passers-by — one to take the photograph, one to support Wilson so he could get his head through the hole — and recorded the tournament fittingly for all posterity…