Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Wilson is drinking a lot of Rum while relentlessly Talking Like A Pirate today, and pretending not to hear me if I don't Reply Like A Pirate! 

Most of what he's saying is along the lines of, 'Do ye recall whar we wus 'tis the hour this year gon, Matey? We wus on shore leave!' and, 'Blackpool were a cozy berth, shipmate, don't ye reckon?'

With his constant references to past holidays I think I can guess what his wish in the Fairy Ring was about, even though we returned from our last holiday only a few days ago!

Once he thought I'd got the idea that he wanted to go on another holiday, he changed tack and started discussing tomorrow's trip, saying 'I's a-lookin' forad t' seein' th' new sprog lad tomorra forenoon! Yarrr, so I am! Spare a few doubloons for an ol' sea-dog, ya knave?'

I'm not convinced that Malibu, while it does contain rum, is an authentic pirate tipple, but what do I know?

New Baby!

You remember Wilson's friend Miss Julia, the choreographer? Well, her sister Jenny has just had a baby! Wilson's never seen a human baby before, so when Jen invited us up to meet New Baby William I jumped at the opportunity. When I told W about this he was very excited too — until he found the invitation was for tomorrow. 

'We can't go tomorrow, New Dad' he explained. 'Tomorrow is Talk Like A Pirate Day, and as you know that's nearly as important as Xmas to me! You must ask Miss Jenny if we can go on Saturday.'

I emailed Jenny and she has kindly agreed that Saturday will be fine. 

Wilson is in the garden coaching the Johnson Brothers in how to Talk Like Pirates, but I can tell he's really looking forward to our impending trip. 

Y'arrr!

Fairy Ring

While playing with his football Wilson came across a large 'Fairy Ring' of toadstools in the grass. 

When I was little I was told that if you stand in the middle, close your eyes, turn round three times and make a wish, the wish will come true. I related this to W, who proceeded to do exactly that… before I'd had time to explain that there are also a lot of far more sinister myths which portend death or calamity befalling any mortal entering the circle. 

I think I'll keep quiet about them for now.

Anyway, once he'd made his wish W's mood brightened and he said he was really looking forward to Talk Like A Pirate Day later this week.

Also I've got a little surprise planned for him which I think he'll enjoy.

Kick-about in the sunshine

Wilson says that he has completed his self-help book, 'Men are from Mars, Anteaters are from Costa Rica'. He's written everything he can think of, and it's only seven pages long — even after changing the font to 28pt — and he is now suffering from Writers' Block.

His psychiatrist's advice that he should do less cerebral and more practical, anteaterly things, popped into my head, so I insisted we go for a nice long walk and a kick-about in the country to get some sunshine and fresh air. I hope that will blow his cobwebs away and rejuvenate him! 

I know he's looking forward to his copy of Leonard Cohen's new CD, 'Popular Problems' arriving soon, but I'm not sure whether that's the sort of thing he should be listening to in his current mood.

If anyone has any ideas of more stuff he could put in his book I think he'd be very grateful...

Men are from Mars...

Wilson, having spent much of yesterday checking under the beds in search of Dr Who Monsters but finding only dust-bunnies, is now pretty much recovered from his scare and his hangover.

After breakfast today he started on a new literary epic, which is a self-help book to be called 'Men are from Mars, Anteaters are from Costa Rica.' 

This will by all accounts be a big seller since it will explain in meticulous detail all the nuances of human/anteater transactions and social interchange. 

I suppose I'd better buy a copy myself, or I'll never hear the end of it…

Industrial Injury

Last night's episode of Doctor Who, 'Listen,' was quite nerve-wracking, so Wilson insisted on spending the night in my room so as not to be 'alone.' 

It didn't help that he also had a headache and felt dizzy, which he said was an 'industrial injury' caused by his BookPatch manufacturing process.

I prefer to call it a hangover caused by converting a full bottle of solvent into a half-full bottle of solvent, the solvent being vodka.

But I said nothing...

Parfum de Vieux Livre

Wilson is in the kitchen making what he calls 'parfum de vieux livre' — he's following on-line instructions for making perfumes at home, but substituting pages of old books for the recipe's suggested lavender heads and rose petals.  

He intends to cut the pages into narrow strips and poke them into a half-full bottle of vodka so that the alcohol will dissolve the smell. 

When the book essence is ready, in a few weeks time, he will put it into an old ink-jet cartridge and print the smell onto his BookPatch stickers.

He said he'll start cutting just as soon as the vodka bottle is half empty…

The Authentic Smell of Great Literature

Wilson proceeded to demonstrate the versatility of his invention, pointing out that it would simulate the smell of old and new books, plus magazines, and that it would fit not only Kindles but also Nook, Kobo, Icarus, Omnia, Cybook and other e-readers.

'You can even stick it on a real book,' he said, 'if you don't think it smells bookey enough!'

Impressive though this was, I was curious about where he would obtain the 'essence' of books and magazines, but W said confidently that he had everything under control. 

Wilson invents another Boon to Mankind...

Wilson produced a Kindle and declared dramatically: 'This… is an e-book reader — it is the future of literature!'

'You're too late, dear,' Billi commented laconically, 'It's already been invented!'

W sniffed pointedly and continued, 'It is small, it is convenient, it is practical, and yet still it lacks a certain something. It smells of electronics; it doesn't smell like a book!'

Everyone waited expectantly — even I was impatient to see what came next.

'I have now solved this problem with — Ta-da! The Perfumed BookPatch! It's small, it's self-adhesive and it smells of books! You stick it on the back of your Kindle and Bob's Your Uncle, it's exactly like reading a real book!'

'Can we smell it?' Polly asked.

''Umm. Well, no. Not yet.' W replied. 'This is just a prototype. It doesn't smell of anything yet, but you're welcome to give it a sniff if you like?'

Wilson bravely puts his past failures behind him...

I suggested to Wilson that maybe he could assemble some more clocks, but he told me he's 'more of an Ideas Person' and better at delegating than doing. I left before he delegated me to clock-making duties.

A little while later he called everyone into the kitchen for an important announcement. 

Once we were all assembled he told us that he was very disappointed with the production figures for his new Mk2 WASTE clock, but had decided to put that behind him and move on. He would be putting the one completed clock on eBay with a starting bid of £250 to finance his new invention. With a dramatic flourish he then produced a magazine and asked us all to sniff it. 

It smelled strongly of VOC inks and recycled paper. 

Tiny Toy complained that it made him feel dizzy.

The Use of Meditation in Problem Solving

Wilson has a lot on his mind today and must make some difficult decisions.

Only one Mk2 WASTE clock has been completed and his workforce has scattered — the Bees are decorating the spare room in the hive ready for Uncle Zortan, Antony and TT are in the tumble dryer recovering from their holiday and the sTone Brothers, although well meaning, are not very good at assembling clocks, what with having no arms and being unable to move.

To help him make these hard choices W is meditating in the garden — the sunshine and fresh air are good for his brain.

At least, he told me he's meditating. 

Do meditation adepts snore during meditation?

Industrial Relations problem...

As soon as we arrived home Wilson shuffled into the kitchen to see how production of his Mk2 WASTE clock was progressing. 

He was not pleased when he found only one clock completed and his entire production line personnel missing — with the exception of sTony and sToneye, who were waiting patiently for someone to move them.

W demanded and explanation and sTony told him that after they'd converted the first clock no-one knew what to do next because the foreman had disappeared. 

'And who, pray, was the foreman?' W enquired.

'Oh, it was Tiny Toy,' sTony explained. 'We elected him foreman because we thought he wouldn't make us work too hard!'

A last (illicit) drink before the journey home...

I went upstairs to our room to search under the bed (a favourite hiding-place when they play Hide-and-Seek) but it was Wilson who discovered them, in the Residents' Lounge enjoying a last Mojito before the journey. 

Wilson helped them finish it before letting me know that they were found...

Missing without trace!

We were all in quite a sombre mood over breakfast, and later in our room as Wilson, the boys and I all packed our cases and made ready to leave the hotel and Bournemouth. 

We carried everything out to the car park and were preparing to load the car when W noticed something was missing — Antony and Tiny Toy had disappeared! 

They were both with us a moment before, but now they were nowhere to be seen...

Holidays all have to end...

Yesterday was the last day of our holiday. 

Over breakfast Wilson told me that he'd had a brilliant time and, although he didn't want the holiday to end, he was quite keen to get home and see how production of his Mk2 WASTE clock was coming along.

Antony said he'd had a good time too, while in a very tiny voice Tiny Toy timidly said that this had been the most exciting few days of his life.

Of course, TT doesn't get out much...

Co-piloting is harder than it looks!

Antony was feeling a bit overwhelmed by now, so we sat him in the restaurant with a Pepsi Max while Wilson and I climbed into another aircraft which he kindly consented to allow me to co-pilot for him. 

I clearly had no idea what I was doing, so he patiently explained what he thought some of the dials and switches were for.

Following this briefing he sat back in the pilot's seat and started making loud engine noises, interspersed with shouts of 'Ants at twelve o'clock, New Dad!', 'Watch our six, New Dad — bandits!' etc. 

It was very exciting, but we had to 'land' quite soon as Wilson was out of breath from making all the engine noises. 

Chocks Away!

Wilson called down to Antony, 'Pass me my bally helmet old chap, there's a good fellow!'

Then after wiggling what he called the 'beer lever' he shouted:

'Chocks away old boy, got to go and beat Anty so we can all be home before Xmas!'

'Flying is in my Blood!'

Once inside Wilson began telling Antony that 'Aviation is in my blood!' 

I've lost count of the times I've heard about W's Great, Great … Grandfather, the legendary Blue Baron of the Great Ant Wars of 1921, but I listened again as these tales were re-told to Antony. 

War heroes must be honoured, after all, and it's not as though there are any in my family that I know of...

Aircraft Museum!

Today is a day Wilson has been looking forward to since the start of the holiday: our visit to a local Aircraft Museum.

Wilson is seen here contemplating the admission charges and wondering whether he'll have to pay for Antony. 

Coincidentally, I was wondering whether I'd have to pay for W!

TT has an exam

Last night Wilson took his microscope to the restaurant so he could 'Check the food for microbes.' 

I was afraid there might be a scene with the chef, particularly as this was the first time W had used his microscope and he had no idea what a microbe looked like, so while we were waiting for our order to arrive I persuaded him to examine Tiny Toy through his instrument. 

After the meal W confided to me, out of Antony's hearing, that TT was not as well made as he'd expected and he might soon need some emergency needlework…