The Great British Bee Survey

Lyn, one of Wilson's Facebook friends, suggested that he might like to take part in Friends of the Earth's Great British Bee Count. Since this would involve a lot of sitting around in the garden he embraced the idea, grabbing his iPad and making himself comfortable in the sunshine. 

Polly, Billi and Johnson came over to see what he was up to, and W immediately counted them: 'One, two Hairy-Footed Garden Bees — check!' 

Outrage ensued as Billi said she wanted to be described as 'Young, pretty with luxuriant fur, fun-loving and GSOH.' 

'And in a relationship!' Polly added, pointedly. 'Also, definitely NOT hairy-footed!'

'Oh no,' Billi agreed, 'NOT hairy-footed. We both shave our feet weekly and before we go clubbing!'

They both then demanded to know why W hadn't included Johnson in the count.

Wilson develops his invention still further!

After accidentally hypnotising himself several times yesterday, once I'd carried him unconscious to his bed Wilson dreamed of another ingenious adaptation for his New Clock invention! 

He's sitting in the conservatory making notes before he forgets his dream. His clock contraptions are so top secret, he won't even tell me or Antony how they work.

In other news, he has decided NOT to market his own range of relaxation tapes, lest everyone who buys them starts dreaming about brilliant inventions themselves. He wants to keep all the best inventions for himself, to make him rich and famous! 

Seems fair enough to me. 

Also, too few people still have cassette players for his tapes to have been great sellers…

Wilson records a self-help tape...

Wilson was so impressed by the relaxation tape he bought for Diesel that he has decided to record one himself. He told me that he would sell it on eBay and that it would hypnotise people who bought it, enabling them to achieve a state of deep, deep relaxation.

Unfortunately, whenever he starts recording he hypnotises himself into a state of deep, deep relaxation.

Well, I suppose that proves it's effective!

Gardening on a summer's day...

Watched by an admiring crowd of spectators, Wilson has planted up all of his garden centre purchases, and I must admit they do look lovely. He has done well!

He plans to spend the rest of the day practicing with his yo-yo, today being World Yo-Yo Day.

How does he know these things? I think Google has a lot to answer for!

The hardest part is yet to come...

Having paid for the plants, the next problem was fitting them all into the car. 

Of course even when we get them home, the real trick will be to get Wilson to plant them, rather than sit around drinking Ant Gin-based cocktails in the sun while talking about planting them…

Wilson goes shopping!

It takes only a couple of sunny days for Wilson to be well-and-truly bitten by the gardening bug, so today we headed off for a (surprisingly expensive) trip to the local Garden Centre.

I'm just really hoping that this isn't a portent of one of W's infamous Charity Garden Open Days…

World Chocolate Ice Cream Day!

Wilson stayed in bed all day today, inventing — he really thinks he's got his new clock contraption sorted! 

He took a break from his designing only to ask me to pop out to the Mr Softee van to get him a chocolate ice-cream. 

Since today is World Chocolate Ice-Cream Day I indulged him in this… and had one myself. 

I think it's important to observe these special celebrations to keep them going.

Especially when ice cream is involved!

Wilson invents a new kind of clock!

After listening to Diesel's relaxation tape, Wilson became unconscious and had to be carried to bed. This morning he awoke bright, early and full of enthusiasm.

He told me he had a dream in which he invented a new sort of clock that didn't need adjusting when the hour changes to and from Summer Time (Daylight Saving Time) and with help from Tiny Toy and Johnson he is now busy remembering how the clock worked in his dream so he can invent it in real life.

He says this could be 'The greatest thing since Oddsies!'

If it is to be at all successful, it will need to be quite a lot greater than Oddsies! 

Diesel is not relaxed!

Wilson finally located his Ghetto Blaster and is playing the relaxation tape to Diesel in the kitchen. 

Before the tape started, Diesel was already completely chilled, but as it progressed Wilson too became more and more unwound and has now fallen fast asleep. 

Diesel, thinking Wilson had passed out, was somewhat alarmed by this, and despite my reassurance is now quite agitated. 

While this is the exact opposite of what W had hoped to achieve, I've never seen him so relaxed. 

and relax...

Diesel's Relaxation Tape arrived this morning. Wilson is in his Museum looking for a cassette player — he says he's 'pretty sure' he's seen one in there somewhere.  

I suggested that most museums had a catalogue of their exhibits, but he said that too much organisation would deprive visitors of the spirit of serendipitous discovery as they picked their way through his displays.

Still, there's no hurry — Diesel is as relaxed as can be. If he was any more relaxed he'd be floating belly up at the top of his bowl…

Family tree...

After extensive research (consisting mostly of idly clicking through Ant Cookery pages on the internet while listening to Spotify) Wilson has drawn up a family tree for young Johnson. 

Needless to say, Johnson is very excited!

Not 'mad' after all...

Wilson has told the bees about the visit by Mad Uncle Zortan, relating to them the tragic circumstances of his early life which have resulted in his current eccentric behaviour. 

Everyone agreed that it was very sad and that henceforth he should be referred to only as Differently-Abled Uncle Zortan.

W then caused some offence by asking the bees whether their baby could do any tricks.

Johnson is very pleased!

Johnson is delighted with the new group wedding photo with his parents! As he put it to Wilson, 'You'd never know I wasn't actually there!'

In other news, it turns out that ladybirds, visually at least, are not immensely sophisticated, but are quite easily pleased. 

Wedding photo reshoot

Diesel, who lives a quiet life and doesn't get out much, got quite overexcited meeting Johnson yesterday. 

As an emergency measure Wilson dropped half an Ambien into his bowl, then ordered a relaxation tape on eBay for him.

Johnson was a bit put out not to be in his parents' wedding group photo so Wilson offered to shoot it again with him included. 

W propped up the wedding photograph against a bottle of ant gin while little Johnson posed in front; then he loaded his last pack of film into his trusty Polaroid. 

Diesel gets to meet someone!

Wilson has introduced Johnson to Diesel the Goldfish, and vice versa.

Diesel was very excited by this. He doesn't get to meet many people...

The wedding photos have arrived!

There was much excitement this morning when the postman brought a big envelope addressed to the bees! 

Billi opened it and withdrew their Wedding Group Photograph — everyone crowded round and secretly admired themselves in it while saying how good everyone else looked…

New addition to the family!

Under intense questioning by Wilson, Polly and Billi revealed that they have adopted a baby! Their progeny is a young ladybird whom they have named Johnson.

Billi has grown the colour out of her fur and says that she is now ready to renounce her past life of hedonistic clubbing and settle down to a life of devoted motherhood with Polly.

Well, I don't think any of us were expecting that!

The bees are back in town!

This morning Wilson and I were sitting in the garden while he ate his breakfast of coffee and croissants with ants, discussing whether his Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot would be eligible for a Lottery grant. 

He was telling me how a few thousand tax-free would enable him to buy some new exhibits and give the walls a fresh coat of creosote, when suddenly the bees flew in, home from their honeymoon… and they were not alone!

Wilson receives some disturbing news...

Wilson has been quite subdued since visiting his mum. 

I asked him how his confession had gone and he said that before he'd broached his lack of millionaire-hood with Mrs V. he'd told his Big Sister, Andrea, what he was about to do. 

She took him to one side and advised him, 'Don't say anything about that to your mother, Mrs Vermilingua — there are things you don't yet understand.' 

'What don't I yet understand, New Dad?' he asked me, plaintively.

I said I had no idea and asked whether Andrea had elaborated on this? 

'She just said, "When you're a little older, Boo!" Really, I'm seven years old now, and she still calls me by my baby-name!'

This mystery has made him understandably tense.

Wilson returns!

This morning Wilson returned from his holiday at the zoo with his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua. 

His first question was about visitor numbers on National Museums Day — and I had to admit that admissions had been low. Lower than expected, anyway.

When he asked me exactly how low I was forced to concede that there had been no visitors whatever. Fewer than one. None. Zero.

His face fell, but he philosophically admitted that 'It's always the big museums that soak up the visitors — the British Museums and the V&As of the world — while small family-run enterprises suffer!'

Then he added as an afterthought that he blamed himself for leaving me in charge when I clearly wasn't up to the challenge!