Wilson prepares to do the pre-wedding talk...

With the wedding now barely a week away, Wilson consulted his timetable and told me that it was time to give the bees "The Talk" and he was a bit nervous about it.

'The Talk? What Talk?' I asked, not taking his meaning.

'Yes, The Talk! THE Talk — You know, New Dad,' he rolled his eyes briefly, 'The Facts Of Married Life Talk!'

'Oh, the sex talk!' I replied.

'No, I was thinking more about budgeting, housekeeping, generating strong passwords, safe use of public Wi-Fi, things along those… hang on, SEX? What ABOUT sex?'

Ideal wedding gift

With the Easter weekend behind him, Wilson has returned to matters wedding-related. Right now he is searching for the ideal wedding present for the betrothed bees. and he's VERY taken with these fine-chine plates he's found — they're decorated with fruit being eaten by a swarm of ants!

I suggested that since the recipients are bees, they might prefer plates decorated with, say, wild flowers, but W dismissed this suggestion, saying that the ant plates would remind the bees of him.

I asked him whether he'd like one of the plates for himself, perhaps for his birthday, but he declined. 

'I'd always be licking the plate, New Dad — it would drive me mad. I'd never know if I'd finished my meal!'

The plates are available from: https://www.etsy.com/shop/LAPHILIE but Wilson says you must not buy them for the bees as they're his idea!

A triumphant tour is planned!

Is it just me, or do you agree that a triumphal open-top bus tour around Uckfield, with Wilson, Antony and his entire support crew waving from the top deck to celebrate his so-called 'Olympic Record' bobsleigh run, is a bit excessive?

I'm trying to dissuade him, but everyone else is right up for it — especially Antony, who says it would be 'Well wicked!'

I think the decider will be that Uckfield Bus Company doesn't have any open-top buses. 

Olympic Hero Returns!

As I said, Wilson's only injury was to his pride. Oh, and a bump on his nose. Nevertheless, he insisted on being stretchered home like a returning hero.

I hope that a jar of Giant Chocolate Ant Eggs will take the edge off his pain and disappointment...

An exciting finish, but not a record time!

There is no official length for an Olympic Bobsleigh Track, but the Sochi track was almost 2km long. Wilson's practice track is only about 20m so his time, although very fast, can not be officially ratified as a record, either World or Olympic… although he insists that this is a mere 'technicality' and his time of less than a minute should stand. 

The exact time is not known because in the excitement of the finish Polly-B dropped the stopwatch. By the time she found it more than five minutes had elapsed, but everyone agreed that the time of the run was probably less than 60 seconds.

However, it is most certainly a Personal Best for Wilson, and also for Antony who had never done it before!

The finish, it must be said, did not go precisely to plan, but only W's pride was hurt when he fell off the bob, although he did bang his nose quite painfully on a tree trunk.

Antony was thrown clear and was caught, entirely uninjured though quite shaken, and was pleased to be re-united with a very anxious Tiny Toy. 

Olympic record attempt

The first run is for the Two-Man Bobsleigh Olympic Record. Polly-B held the stopwatch while Billi-B counted down to the start: 'Three, two, one, GO!'

At the 'G' of the 'Go' Wilson and Antony were off down the track at a breathtaking speed, Polly and Billi cheering them on while Tiny Toy hid his face in his paws and whimpered pathetically on Billi's lap. 

Surely a new record must be within their grasp!

Off to break some records!

Wilson and his support crew are heading off to the Luge and Bobsleigh practice track round the corner for a practice session. 

It will be the first time he's ridden his newly-modified sled, and he has high hopes for a record time — certainly a personal best, possibly an Olympic or World record!

Wilson is working on his Luge

Wilson has finally accepted that there won't be any snow before next winter, so he has bought some industrial castors from Amazon. He's in the garden now, fixing them to his sledge so he can practice his Luge event. As he keeps reminding me, there is now less than four years to the next Winter Olympics, so he can't afford to waste any more time.

He pointed out that today is also International Juggling Day, but confessed that, what with the Luge practicing, he might not have time enough to juggle. Or indeed, to learn to juggle, which is a bit of a prerequisite. 

Although as he said, 'It's probably much easier than it looks!' 

A surprise parcel arrives!

Discussing the issue later, Wilson admitted that he was a bit rattled to learn about Mad Uncle Zoltan, but conceded that every family has a 'black sheep' hidden away somewhere. 

I confessed that in my family, I have a feeling the black sheep is me.

'Whatever,' he sighed, 'I'm taking a break from thinking about the wedding over Easter. I'm going to relax, eat chocolate and do other Eastery things.'

At this point he produced a brown-paper parcel which he proceeded to open. 

There was much speculation concerning its contents, the general consensus being that it contained an Easter Egg. But it didn't. 

No-one was prepared for what it did contain. 

Except, of course, for Wilson, who had ordered it on Amazon!

A guest is barred!

Apparently Mad Uncle Zortan's hobby is attending bee weddings, dressed head-to-toe in black, and biting the other guests. 

Then at the crucial moment, when the vicar asks, 'If any of you know cause or just impediment why these bees should not be joined together in Holy Matrimony, you are to declare it now, or forever hold your peace,' Mad Uncle Zortan jumps up and shouts, 'Yes! I know of Cause or Just Impediment!' Then he chuckles wickedly, continuing, 'I shan't tell ye… but ye'll all find out soon enough! Har…' before storming out of the church. 

Upon hearing this, Wilson visibly blanched. 

'I don't think I'd like that!' he declared. 'I shall make certain that all the ushers are given a copy of that photograph and strict instructions not to admit him!'

The uninvited guest...

Polly-B, with Billi-B in attendance for moral support, approached Wilson this morning. They were both wearing inconsolably desolate expressions and for a moment I feared that the wedding might be off.

Polly produced a Polaroid of a fearsome-looking insect, saying that this was her Uncle Zortan. Mad Uncle Zortan.

Billi added that they had just received his RSVP to the wedding, even though he had not been invited.

The rumour in Polly's family is that his mother was a feral wasp.

Incidentally, Wilson has asked that I remind everyone (as though you could possible forget!) that today is World Rubber Eraser Day.

Finishing touches

Watched by an admiring, if slightly paint-spattered group of spectators, Wilson is putting the finishing touches to his bee hive. 

IMPORTANT: CHANGE OF DATE!

Many, many of Wilson's friends have been in touch to point out that the date set for the bees' wedding is Friday 13th — surely an inauspicious day for a marriage! 

After much heart searching and lengthy discussions with the betrothed couple, he has graciously agreed to forego World Lumpy Rug Day so that the bee nuptials can take place then.

Accordingly, please change the date in your diaries to Saturday 3 May — that's less than three weeks away, so you'd better start looking for suitable wedding presents! 

Wilson is now in the garden, Pollyfilling the holes and painting his bee hive pink and white.

Also, quite a bit of the grass. 

And himself.

Wedding date announced!

By the time I came down to breakfast this morning, Wilson had magnetted the bees' list of possible wedding dates to the fridge door. There were 25 dates on the list… and he had an objection to every one of them.

I took the list into the garden, where I found him sandpapering his beehive, and asked him about his reasons for rejecting some of the dates.

'Lumpy Rug Day?' I asked him. 'Really? Dance Like a Chicken Day? Yo-Yo day?'

He raised his eyebrows and replied, 'They're traditional celebrations, New Dad — anteaters the world over will be celebrating, for example, Tap Dance Day on 25 May!'

'Pink Day', I countered, 'would be a brilliant day for an all-girl wedding! Or Camera Day — we'll be taking loads of photos anyway!'

W stared at the ground, saying nothing.

I switched to my stern voice and asked him, 'Look, you've listed TWO Juggling Days — couldn't you give up one of those?'

'Alright,' he sighed, 'I suppose so. I'll give up the second one. I'll go and tell the girls.'

So, Polly- and Billi-B will be getting married on 13 June — keep the day clear!

Wedding dates

As soon as we got home, before we had a chance to unload the bee hive from the car roof, Polly-B and Billi-B dragged Wilson inside to show him their list of possible wedding dates.

W examined it thoughtfully, then pointed out that 'Some of these dates have already passed!'

'Yes, but that's because we started work on this list so long ago,' Billi replied.

Wilson took the list of dates, together with his iPad and his best green marker pen, and retired to the tumble dryer to consider. Leaving me to unload the bee hive single-handed.

It's a lot heavier than you might think. Even when there aren't any bees in it.

Wedding venue

As we continued our journey home, I mentioned that a full sized bee hive seemed a bit excessive — I'd thought the wedding guests could stay in the now-vacated little 'bee hotel' by the asteroid shelter in the garden. Wilson soon put me straight about that, however, asking me whether I had any idea how many bees Polly- and Billi-B would be inviting. 

'There'll be thousands of them, New Dad — thousands! They'll invite their entire colonies, and they'll all be expecting a nice sit-down meal at the reception! We won't get away with a buffet, especially if The Queen comes!'

He then went on to explain that while his initial idea had just been the Bee Wedding Florists, having his own hive opened up new possibilities: he was going to convert the garden into a dedicated same-sex bee wedding venue! 

Wilson reveals his Business Plan...

We carried the beehive back to the car, tied it on to the roof with some rope we bought from a ship's chandlers, and set off for home. I drove very carefully and slowly, not wanting to be stopped by the police and have to explain why I had a beehive tied to my car… especially if Wilson joined in and started telling them about his Bee Wedding. 

A night in the cells is not on my Bucket List!

On the journey home, Wilson revealed his 'Great Idea'. Since the village florist had been unable to supply most of the flowers he wanted for the Bee Wedding, he planned to raise his own flowers from seed and supply them through a specialist shop he planned to open, catering exclusively for bees getting married. 

'There are millions of bees in the country, New Dad,' he explained, 'and mine will be the only shop able to supply them with flowers when they get married! I shall have the Bee Wedding Monopoly!'

Wilson makes a purchase. I pay for it. Obviously.

As we made our way back to the car park — Wilson asking me whether I'd like his autograph now he was a racing driver, me insisting that he could NOT drive the car home — he suddenly fell silent. 

I followed his gaze to the pavement display of a junk/antique shop.

'I have GOT to have that!' he exclaimed, dragging me over to see what had caught his eye. 'It will be perfect for putting up all the bees' friends and relations over the wedding!'

Sebastian Vettel watch out!

Ever since we've been coming to Hastings, Wilson has craved a go on the Go-Karts. In the past I've always told him he's too young, but he's almost seven now and I think he's just about old enough to ride responsibly. 

Here you can see him just pulling out of the Pit Lane for his first lap. 

Every time he passed the Finish line he punched the air, shouting, 'Take that, Vettel!', 'Eat dust, Hamilton!' and the like

This is harder than it looks...

Next on Wilson's Schedule of Fun was a go on the trampolines. I paid for a 15-minute session, but after only five he was lying on his back and gasping for breath. 

He told me afterwards that, like many things, it was much more difficult than it looks. 

Once he'd got his breath back he earnestly assured me that the only thing which would help him recover was a 99 ice cream. And some barley sugar sweets. And some chocolate truffles. 

Back outside he critically compared the size of his ice cream with the display model in front of the shop. He said that there should be a law against misleading advertising and, if he weren't so busy with the wedding preparations, he'd take it up with his MP.