Wilson: Officially Amazing!

Today, according to Wilson (and he has research to back this up) is International Guinness World Record Day. He decided to mount an attempt on the Most Ants Eaten in 60 Seconds record, and when I came down to breakfast this morning I found the kitchen awash with ants and Wilson wielding a stopwatch.

He handed me the stopwatch, shouted 'GO!' and started eating for all he was worth. After 60 seconds I cried 'STOP!' 

'So, how many ants did I eat?' he asked me.

'I've no idea,' I replied, 'I thought you'd be counting.'

'Oh, do I have to do EVERYTHING? Eat AND count? I am an elite athlete, you know. Well, as it happens I was counting and I calculate that I consumed 499,999. Oh, excuse me,' (he swallowed noisily) 'as you were, 500,000 ants.'

I asked him whether that broke the current record, and he told me that there is no current record for eating ants, so he has set the benchmark for others to follow.

I remarked that half a million was a very round number, but W was in no mood to have the accuracy of his count challenged; he was off and dancing round the kitchen doing 'The Wilbot' and shouting, 'I Am Officially Amazing!'. 

The Wilbot is something he invented during the Olympics, but until today he's not had the chance to use it.

'Excellent Little Anteater'

As I said, we ate at an Italian restaurant. Wilson drank a little too much vino rosso, but generally behaved very well, and with impeccable table manners. 

The waiters enjoyed his efforts to speak Italian to them, calling him their piccolo mangiatore magnifico della formica! 

Wilson blushed a little at this, and said he would have that printed on his business cards.

Best Ever!

The Table Tennis certainly gave Wilson an appetite! We popped into The Laughing Dog Café and drank what he declared was 'the biggest and best Hot Chocolate with Cream and Marshmallow I've ever had! Brilliant!'

There was a gallery attached to the café with lots of screen prints and neon tubes. Wilson loved these, and resolved to take a course on screen printing. And neon tube making.

Ping Pong

I took Wilson to Brighton Marina yesterday; it was a sunny day and I thought he'd like to see the boats.

We did a bit of shopping, went to a café/gallery, looked at the boats and had an Italian meal in the evening, but the thing he most enjoyed was when we came across a plaza with several ping-pong tables. 

Bats and balls were provided and we had a couple of quick games. W said he'd never played before, but he still managed to beat me quite convincingly. 

The New Archbishop of Canterbury

Wilson is pretty disappointed not to have been appointed the new Archbishop of Canterbury. He had a Judaeo-Christian upbringing from his mum, Mrs Vermilingua, although he admits he is now more Flying Spaghetti Monsterist than Christian. However, he had always believed this to be an Equal Opportunity country.

Still, perhaps it's for the best. He confessed that, in spite of a lot of practicing, he had fears of being unable able to keep the hat on. He would be mortified if it fell of while he was celebrating Mass, say, or during an important bit of a Royal Wedding.

The Paw of Friendship

Wilson, distressed by the footage he's seen on the TV news, has decided to reach out the Paw of Friendship to Greece. 

He's sending a parcel of money, about V2,000,000, to the prime minister, Antonis Samaras, saying that he is prepared to send a lot more… providing Mr Samaras can send him a few Pounds Sterling in advance so he can buy some more printer ink. He says he won't be accepting Euros or, unsurprisingly, V-notes.

It's a generous gesture, but I can't see this bailing out the Greek economy…

Meanwhile, Antony's chief concern is not being accidentally included in the parcel.

Don't Panic!

Wilson was very sad to learn of the death of Clive Dunn, "Cpl Jones" in Dad's Army. 

After Frasier and The Jeremy Kyle Show, Dad's Army is one of his favourite shows. He specially loved Sargent Wilson and Private Pike.

I think the only cast member still surviving is that 'Stupid Boy' Ian Lavender…

Wilson has a long and worrying night

Wilson took the radio to bed with him in the tumble dryer last night, and stayed awake listening to the US Election coverage on Radio 5's Up All Night. 

I was awoken by him just after 6am when he crawled into bed beside me and said, 'It's okay, it's NOT Mr Mick (sic) Romney!' Then he immediately sank into a deep sleep, and in fact he's still asleep in my bed now. 

Fireworks and Election

There's been so much coverage of the US Election on tv that Wilson thought we would be voting in it. I explained that it was only Americans who could vote, and he said he was frightened of Mr Mick (sic) Romney, adding that he didn't trust people who had Invisible Friends that told them what to do. 

I couldn't help casting a glance at Antony, and W exploded: 'What do you expect?!' he shouted. 'I'm five years old, I'll grow out of it! And anyway, Hello? Antony's not invisible! He's right here, and he can hear, you know!'

Our bonfire party passed without incident or injury, and W really enjoyed it. When I was young I thought I'd NEVER grow too old or too jaded to love fireworks… 

But they were fine, and it was lovely seeing the wonder and excitement in W's eyes. 

I had a bit of an upset tummy this morning -- I expect it's due to an excess of pumpkin. And ants.

November 5th - Bonfire Night!

Wilson is very excited about our Fireworks tonight. He had wanted to go to the processions at Lewes, but I don't think that is an appropriate place for a five-year-old -- I'm not a totally irresponsible parent!

Anyway, we've built the bonfire together in the back garden and now W is making a list of the order in which the fireworks should be lit. 

After that he's starting on the food, which will apparently feature both Pumpkin and Ants heavily.

Fireworks display

Last night Wilson and I went to a local firework display, which we both really enjoyed. 

We'll set off our own fireworks in the back garden on the traditional date of the 5th of November. Weather permitting. 

W has agreed to lay on a Guy Fawkes Night barbecue on the patio.

Quantitative Easing

Wilson has started Quantitative Easing of the Vermilingua, or the V-note as he now calls it. He asks that you print out this sheet of V-notes and start spending them, as this will 'aid their acceptance into the mainstream banking system.'

I asked W about the Chinese writing in the corners of the notes; he said it's not Chinese, it says "Good Luck Spending This!" in Costa Rican.

I still worry that this might not be legal, but W is very confident.

A Retail Empire is born...

Wilson has indeed started selling his excess Trick or Treat sweets from a roadside stall. Embarrassingly, it's just round the corner, where all our neighbours will see it: they're bound to notice that he's selling them the very same sweets that they gave to him only two days ago!

Moreover, he's giving them change only in Vermilinguas, the home-made currency that he's started printing. I am SO embarrassed!

Hallowe'en Haul

Wilson certainly had a successful Hallowe'en last night! He says this was because of his 'secret weapon' but he won't tell me what it was. I hope it has nothing to do with the crate of Silly String that arrived from Amazon yesterday!

I suppose the responsible, fatherly thing to do would be to ration out his spoils to a few thousand Calories' worth each day… but he's so pleased with his haul that I think rather than eat it he may just keep it as a trophy. 

Or sell it.

CHECK THIS OUT!

October has been a very busy month for Wilson Vermilingua OBE!
I've just uploaded the tenth monthly volume of Ant Wars II: OCTOBER 2012 so you can catch up on anything you've missed.
Please tell all your friends, as it is Wilson's stated ambition for his life story to be, as he puts it, "As Popular as Harry Potter!"

You can download it or read it online at:
http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/ant_wars_ii_october_2012

You can now SUBSCRIBE to Wilson's blog by email!
The BLOG is right here: http://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/
You can TRANSLATE Wilson's blog into other languages!
You can COMMENT on Wilson's blog — and he'd love to hear from you!

Photographs of the lovely WILSON are by Tamanduagirl at
http://www.livingwithanteaters.com/ and are used by kind permission.

Ant Wars II: October 2012

issuu.com

A journal of my life with a talking anteater. I appear to have been adopted by a talking ant-eater called Wilson. This is my journal, listing his daily battles with the 21st Century...

HALLOWEEN!

Here's Wilson setting off to Trick-or-Treat. He's certain he's going to get a mountain of treats this year, as he has a 'secret weapon.'

I hope he's not too disappointed; Trick-or-Treat isn't very popular in this country.

The V10,000 note

Wilson and I went out for dinner last night, and I was very surprised when he offered to pay. He brought out what I thought was a £10 note but which, when I examined it, turned out to be a V10,000 note. 

'What's this?' I asked him.

'I've been researching currency online,' he replied, 'and lots of places, Bristol for instance, have issued their own currency. It's quite legal! So I've designed the "Vermilingua"!'

'And you think this restaurant will accept it?' I asked, incredulously.

'I certainly hope so!' he replied, 'and I'm hoping they give me the change in UK Pounds Sterling – if they do, I should show a profit of about £9,960. I'll leave an generous tip, of course.'

I couldn't enjoy the meal for worrying what would happen when Wilson tried to pay with his home-made currency, but when the waitress said she couldn't accept it I paid with my plastic and there was no unpleasantness. 

Wilson left the V10,000 note as a tip. 'I know it's over-generous, but the waitress was very pretty. And I can print plenty more.'

Wilson is insulted!

This morning Wilson looked up his surname, Vermilingua, on the internet, hoping to track down some unknown famous ancestors. Wikipedia and three Dictionary sites claimed that 'Vermilingua' means 'worm-tongue'. 

W said he had never been so insulted in his life, and that this was a slur on his entire family and all his ancestors. 

He is now writing a very strongly-worded letter of complaint to Wikipedia and three Dictionary sites.

Fireworks!

In order to cheer him up and to distract him from Joni, I took Wilson to the fireworks shop today. I'd only intended to get some Golden Rain and a couple of packets of sparklers… but he managed to talk me into some Roman Candles too. And some rockets. And a big box of Bangers. 

Listening to a Gold station on the radio driving home and Pictures of Lily by The Who happened to come on; I was very encouraged to see W tapping his feet to it. Perhaps his crisis has passed.

Inconsolable

Wilson is still in his bed, brooding about Joni. 

I tried to console him by telling him that she too despises Bob Dylan; W replied she had 'probably heard his Xmas Album.'

What with Halloween, Guy Fawkes Night and Xmas there is so much for W to look forward to in the coming weeks. 

I'll try to snap him out of his desolation by taking him firework shopping later.