Wilson resumes work on his invention

Wilson has decided that his toy camel (now called Colin) is 'too valuable and fragile' to entrust to the Post Office, and has asked me instead to drive up to London to deliver it to Baby William in person. I think I'll be seeing William's grandparents later this week, so I'd prefer to just give it to them to save on the petrol.

W thinks his BookPatch™ (pat pending) fragrance has 'matured' sufficiently to use, and he spent the morning injecting it into empty ink jet cartridges he'd fished out of the Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff and a Robot. (He never throws anything away!)

In other news, my Ink Jet Printer seems to have stopped working.

A responsible job for Antony

Wilson is packing William's toy camel, using tissue paper, a home-made gift box and a sheet of brown wrapping paper. 

I suggested that some decorative gift-wrap might be nice, but he said that brown paper is much more practical where babies are concerned. Also he has a lot of it.

Antony is the Designated Person In Charge of the Sellotape Dispenser, handing W strips of tape when requested, while Johnson Minor looks on, dreaming of the day when he has such a responsible job…

An ideal present for a baby...

Everyone gathered in the kitchen to admire Wilson's just-finished present for Baby William. 

'It's lovely,' I said. 'Ummm, it's a hat, isn't it — with cute little ear-holes?' 

Wilson's face darkened. 'Obviously not. Guess again', he replied, stonily.

Polly silently mouthed something to me, but I couldn't make out what she was trying to say — Apple? Mammal? Enamel? I took a chance and said, 'It's a mammal!' 

Wilson nodded warily, while Polly burst out, 'Just look at those lovely humps  it's a Bactrian one, isn't it?'

'It's a camel?!' I exclaimed. I thought this sounded more uncertain — disbelieving even — than I'd intended, but it satisfied Wilson.

Tension mounts...

Wilson has returned to knitting Baby William's surprise gift, which is now almost completed. I don't think it's a scarf after all. Unless scarves have arm-holes?

He's reached the 'casting-off' stage, which is very tense operation. Accordingly, Johnson Major has been sent away and only Polly remains — as much to keep Wilson calm as to offer advice.

I'm keeping well out of the way until he's finished...

Hanging

Wilson has taken a break from knitting to hang his newly-framed portrait. 

He told me that he hadn't given up on Baby William's gift, it's just that the magenta wool was making his eyes 'go funny' — everything he looked at was turning green.

As for his portrait, though, he's sounded me out about installing a picture light 'so my portrait can be lit in the way it so obviously deserves'.

Wilson starts work on his new project...

Safely back from the village with his wool and his picture frame, Wilson has settled down to start knitting a 'little something' for Baby William.

W has only knitted one thing before — a scarf — and his Big Sister Andrea had cast-on and cast-off for him, so starting from scratch is quite a taxing task for him.

However, he does have Polly on hand (who claims to know all about knitting, having once met a spider who was good at it) and Johnson Minor who is always ready with an unsolicited suggestion.

I hope Johnson Mi doesn't pick up any new swear-words from W!

The perfect choice

Wilson was quite surprised by the variety of frames on offer, but he eventually narrowed his choice down to a simple black, narrow frame with a broad white mat board which he said would perfectly complement the elegance and spareness of his portrait while giving it the gravitas it deserved.

The simplicity of the frame was not reflected in its price but, as W always says, you have to pay for quality.

At least, he always says that when he's got my VISA card in his paw.

Framed!

Having chosen some knitting wool, Wilson moved on to the frame shop to buy something to display the portrait his artist friend, Sally Muir, drew of him. 

I'm still wondering what W is going to knit for Baby William. 

I bet it's a scarf!

Freestyle knitting

The lady in the wool shop helped Wilson select some suitable colours, but he declined her offer to help him choose a knitting pattern. 

He told her that he'd seen the baby, so he knows what size he is, and he'd rather make it up as he goes along. 

'I'm more of a FreeStyle Knitter than a pattern follower!' he explained. 

The assistant was very impressed, I think! 

Of course, she hasn't known W as long as I have…

Shopping trip

Wilson has popped into the village to buy a frame for his lovely portrait and also some wool so he can knit a little something for Baby William. 

Draw me like one of your French girls!

Something a bit special has happened — one of Wilson's Twitter friends, Sally Muir (@salmuirAdogaday) is an artist, and she's sent W a portrait of himself!

He keeps gazing at it, admiring its pared-down strength of line and elegance of form, and in particular the way she's captured his eyes and his jawline. 

Actually, he keeps saying that Mr Pablo Picasso himself couldn't have done a better job of capturing what he describes as his 'quintessence'.

Tomorrow he intends going in to the village to choose a frame for it. 

I don't blame him, for this is a thing of real beauty!

Popular Problems

I haven't been able to get much sense out of Wilson since his copy of Leonard Cohen's new album, Popular Problems, arrived. He popped in his earbuds and has barely spoken since, although I can make out a very soft, mostly tuneless humming coming from him.

During one brief spell while he was searching for his iPad's charging lead, I asked him what the new record was like. He answered in a deeper, more gravelly voice than usual: 

'Brief and full of surprises. Much like life…'

Wilson has something on his mind...

Today I found Wilson wandering round a distinctly autumnal garden in a very listless and reflective way. This is rarely a good sign, so I asked him what was going on in his head. 

'Oh, I'm just thinking about Baby William,' he replied, 'and life… and things…'

'You're not thinking of starting a babysitting service are you?' I enquired, 'Or opening a crèche?'

'CAN I?' he asked, his eyes lighting up.

'Totally, absolutely not!' I told him, using my stern voice to suggest, vainly, that I would brook to argument. 

'Well,' he continued, 'I was also thinking how nice it would be to have a holiday!'

'Another holiday?' I exclaimed, 'We only got home from our last holiday a fortnight ago!'

'Yes, but the weather's still quite nice and we could just fit one in before Xmas...'

Parenting is harder than it looks

Wilson tried to give baby William a short lesson in ant-catching, but eventually conceded that he probably wasn't old enough yet. Despite not having caught any ants, William had got quite muddy, so Jenny suggested perhaps it was time to go home.

Back at Jen's house Wilson had a glass of squash and a biscuit then played happily with William's toys, before finally falling fast asleep on the floor, hand-in-paw with the baby. Sweet!

Before we left he handed Jen a small jar of ants, saying 'It's just a little something for the baby, Miss Jenny!'

On the drive home, W confided that being a parent looked much harder than he'd expected — he'd previously thought his Mum, Mrs Vermilingua, just made heavy weather of it!

'I would like a cub of my own one day though,' he added, 'Once I meet the right lady.'

Wilson meets little Baby William!

With Talk Like A Pirate Day safely out of the way I hope we can resume what passes for Normal Life. 

Today we visited Wilson's friends Miss Jenny and Mr Simon to meet their new child, Baby William.

W seemed a bit shy and nervous around the baby at first, but pointed out that the name 'William' sounds a lot like 'Wilson', so he should probably be at least a God Father if not an actual Uncle to little Will.

As he began to regain his confidence, he asked Jenny, 'Can he do any tricks yet?' 

Then he confided to her that he thought William's nose was very short. 'He'll never be able to catch his own ants with a tiny nose like that! But I wouldn't worry about it, Miss Jen', he added, 'I expect it will grow.' 

Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Wilson is drinking a lot of Rum while relentlessly Talking Like A Pirate today, and pretending not to hear me if I don't Reply Like A Pirate! 

Most of what he's saying is along the lines of, 'Do ye recall whar we wus 'tis the hour this year gon, Matey? We wus on shore leave!' and, 'Blackpool were a cozy berth, shipmate, don't ye reckon?'

With his constant references to past holidays I think I can guess what his wish in the Fairy Ring was about, even though we returned from our last holiday only a few days ago!

Once he thought I'd got the idea that he wanted to go on another holiday, he changed tack and started discussing tomorrow's trip, saying 'I's a-lookin' forad t' seein' th' new sprog lad tomorra forenoon! Yarrr, so I am! Spare a few doubloons for an ol' sea-dog, ya knave?'

I'm not convinced that Malibu, while it does contain rum, is an authentic pirate tipple, but what do I know?

New Baby!

You remember Wilson's friend Miss Julia, the choreographer? Well, her sister Jenny has just had a baby! Wilson's never seen a human baby before, so when Jen invited us up to meet New Baby William I jumped at the opportunity. When I told W about this he was very excited too — until he found the invitation was for tomorrow. 

'We can't go tomorrow, New Dad' he explained. 'Tomorrow is Talk Like A Pirate Day, and as you know that's nearly as important as Xmas to me! You must ask Miss Jenny if we can go on Saturday.'

I emailed Jenny and she has kindly agreed that Saturday will be fine. 

Wilson is in the garden coaching the Johnson Brothers in how to Talk Like Pirates, but I can tell he's really looking forward to our impending trip. 

Y'arrr!

Fairy Ring

While playing with his football Wilson came across a large 'Fairy Ring' of toadstools in the grass. 

When I was little I was told that if you stand in the middle, close your eyes, turn round three times and make a wish, the wish will come true. I related this to W, who proceeded to do exactly that… before I'd had time to explain that there are also a lot of far more sinister myths which portend death or calamity befalling any mortal entering the circle. 

I think I'll keep quiet about them for now.

Anyway, once he'd made his wish W's mood brightened and he said he was really looking forward to Talk Like A Pirate Day later this week.

Also I've got a little surprise planned for him which I think he'll enjoy.

Kick-about in the sunshine

Wilson says that he has completed his self-help book, 'Men are from Mars, Anteaters are from Costa Rica'. He's written everything he can think of, and it's only seven pages long — even after changing the font to 28pt — and he is now suffering from Writers' Block.

His psychiatrist's advice that he should do less cerebral and more practical, anteaterly things, popped into my head, so I insisted we go for a nice long walk and a kick-about in the country to get some sunshine and fresh air. I hope that will blow his cobwebs away and rejuvenate him! 

I know he's looking forward to his copy of Leonard Cohen's new CD, 'Popular Problems' arriving soon, but I'm not sure whether that's the sort of thing he should be listening to in his current mood.

If anyone has any ideas of more stuff he could put in his book I think he'd be very grateful...

Men are from Mars...

Wilson, having spent much of yesterday checking under the beds in search of Dr Who Monsters but finding only dust-bunnies, is now pretty much recovered from his scare and his hangover.

After breakfast today he started on a new literary epic, which is a self-help book to be called 'Men are from Mars, Anteaters are from Costa Rica.' 

This will by all accounts be a big seller since it will explain in meticulous detail all the nuances of human/anteater transactions and social interchange. 

I suppose I'd better buy a copy myself, or I'll never hear the end of it…