#CHANGE+CHECK

Wilson was watching Lorraine on TV yesterday – @lorraine – and there was a big discussion about Breast Screening. 

It appears that because of the pandemic, people are unwilling to visit screening centres – sometimes even missing appointments without phoning to cancel!

He had a word with Polly and Billi and they all agreed that they should try to support the campaign for Breast Screening in any way they could. 

 

Philip and Holly on This Morning suggested people post pictures – Boobograms – of themselves holding two things in front of themselves and 'Jiggling them up and down' which is what Wilson is doing here…

 

BEES' BLOG: EAT MORE FRUIT

Hello, we are Polly and Billi the Bees, and this is our once-a-month Guest Blog!

We love cooking (you probably remember our special recipe for Honey On Toast) and like that nice Jamie Oliver we are very keen on healthy eating.

 

But eating healthily shouldn't be a chore – it should be fun, and what could possibly be more fun than Popsicles?

 

However, popsicles are usually full of sugar, colourants and e-numbers, so we have developed our own special recipe!

 

Take a slice of tomato, impale it on a lolly stick and voilà: you have a TomatoPop!

 

Here's another easy, fun recipe – take a segment of orange or satsuma, fix it to a lolly stick and you have a delicious OrangePop (or possibly, a SatsumaPop)!

 

They're quick, they're easy and they're delicious – children just love them!

 

You can adapt this recipe to make CucumberPops, GrapePops, GrapefruitPops, PineappleChunkPops – with a bit of practice you might even be able to make LettucePops, although they're quite tricky to stick on the stick.

 

By a happy coincidence, today is also International Coffee Day, so you can enjoy a lovely latte while you make your Pops!

 

So, we've been The Bees and we'll see you again next month – until then, BEEEEEEEEEE A HEALTHY EATER!

 

 

BAKING DAY

Wilson and Byron are in the kitchen baking Arnold's Park Termite Snack Bars, to fill the orders they confidently expect to pour in following the recent advertising campaign.

Normally Nërp would be assisting too, but he is apparently 'Too busy' making final adjustments to his latest 'life-changing' invention.

 

Life-changing? Hmmm – maybe it's not pottery after all…

 

Anyway, Byron is baking for all he's worth, while Wilson is making an urgent phone call to his cardboard-box supplier, asking them to hurry up with his next delivery as he's running out of cartons to pack his snack bars.

 

If he actually runs out, I expect he and Byron will just eat the leftovers…

 

 

NËRP MAKES PROGRESS

Nërp has allowed Jīqìrén into his workshop for what he has described as a 'test firing' – perhaps he's making pottery?

No-one else has been allowed to know what's going on in there, but there is a sort of loud Whoooooshing noise (probably the kiln) and a bit of shouting.

 

I expect one of the pots has cracked during the firing…

 

 

SNACKVERTISING

Huge billboards and hoardings advertising Wilson's and Arnold's* new snack bars have started to appear in nearby towns.
 
Wilson assures me that the advertising, although expensive, will be paid for out of the profits… once the bars have actually been produced.
 
I hope he's right because in the meantime I have no doubt that it's being paid for by my Visa Card.
 
Sometimes I regret ever giving W access to my account details…
—
*Visit Arnold here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CCjOIfNBC74/
or search for: the.gourmet.anteater

UCKYWOOD

Nërp has been busy in his workshop making something which he says will 'Really put Uckfield on the map, tourism-wise!'

Eager to show off the fruits of his labours he took everyone out into the garden to present the set of enormous letters he's built. 

 

It's certainly… big, and he's made a good job of it, but I'm not altogether sure that tourism is something we should be encouraging in the middle of a pandemic.

 

Even Andrew the Turbulent Seagull showed up to take a look – he said it was 'CAAAWWWLLL!' and possibly to show his approval tagged one of the letters with a generous streak of guano.

 

Wilson too is enthusiastic and says that as soon as lockdown eases we'll go out in the car in search of a hill overlooking the village to erect it on. 

 

I don't know how far we'll have to go for that as it's not very hilly round here – I really hope the sign doesn't end up on our roof…

 

Once we had all admired Nërp's handiwork he returned to his workshop because he is working on something 'Spectacular!'

 

I don't want to even think about that…

 

 

EXCITING NEW SNACK BAR LAUNCHED

I don't know how he's managed to fit it in, but with Byron's assistance Wilson has created a recipe for a new snack.
 
It's a crunchy bar containing Termites (ugh! 🤮) which he intends to market with his friend Arnold*.
 
It's not in production yet, but in typical fashion Wilson has started advertising it – he says this is to create an 'unfulfilled demand' – which he assures me is an established marketing technique.
 
I really don't know how much demand there is ever going to be for a Termite Bar, unfulfilled or otherwise…
—
*Visit Arnold here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CCjOIfNBC74/
or search for: the.gourmet.anteater

LIGHTBOX

Wilson is in the library installing (aka playing with) the light-box Nërp has made for him.
 
Obviously the first thing he did was to write rude words, but now he's settling down with it.

Byron is not with him because he's had another of those tantalising dreams in which he sees a lot of amazing art – sculptures and installation pieces mostly – but as soon as he wakes up he can't remember any of them.
 
He told me that as soon as he woke he sensed them disappearing from his memory one by one…
 
He's having a doze on the sofa in hopes of something coming back to him, so he can make it himself and become a famous and successful artist.

 

STARTING SMALL

 STARTING SMALL

Nërp's first project was to build a light-box for Wilson.

He says that he's just flexing his Inventing Muscles and has much bigger projects planned for the future…

Wilson is very pleased with the light-box, and he and Byron have taken it up to the library to install it.

 

BANKSY COPYRIGHT SHOCK

Wilson was relaxing in the garden, soaking up what might prove to be the last of the summer sun, when he came across an alarming article in  the paper.

It seems that the famous Bristol-based graffiti artist, Banksy, has lost a court case to protect the copyright of one of his works, Flower Thrower, because he refuses to reveal his true identity!

This has prompted Wilson to confirm that he, Wilson B Vermilingua, is in fact the previously-anonymous graffiti artist Antsy, author of such works as Anteater With Balloon and Ant Drop, and hereby asserts his rights.

It has also led him to think about copying many of Banksy's works, because they are all now effectively copyright free…

NËRP STARTS INVENTING

Encouraged by his repair to the fridge yesterday, Nërp has remembered how he used to enjoy making and inventing things.

Consequently, he has shut himself away in his workshop to invent something.

 

He has been resolutely tight-lipped as to what this 'something' might be, so I'm just hoping it's not too big.

 

Or too expensive…

 

Or dangerous…

—

If you have any small repairs you'd like Nërp to undertake for a very reasonable fee, please do get in touch – there's little chance of him doing any chores here, so he might as well do something to earn his keep.

Although my Top Tip would be: keep your expectations low…

 

 

FRIDGE REPAIRS

Nërp has finally put a patch over the window in the fridge – or The Cold Room as it was briefly known.
 
It's not quite as neat as I'd hoped, but I don't like to criticise his workmanship…

Speaking of the Cold Room, are you missing the heatwave yet? It's starting to feel distinctly Autumnal here...

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY I

International Talk Like A Pirate Day has passed, and apart from World Anteater Day and Fireworks Night there's nothing to look forward to until Xmas… and goodness knows what that will be like this year!

 

However, Wilson has a way of making his own amusements so I don't suppose we'll be unduly bored…

—

REMINDER: the best place to read Wilson's adventures is at the Blog: https://antwars2.blogspot.com/

or the Appreciation Society: https://tinyurl.com/WilsonAppSoc

TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

'Ere it be a laarst!

Talk like a gentleman o' fortune day be an important date in any anteater's calendarrr – a'more so fer Pastafarian anteaters – so today marks the culmination o' much preparation!

 

Nërp an' th' bees be a-joinin' in this here year, although I be not entirely certain Pirate Nërp fully understood the dress code orders.

 

Whatever, 'e be most useful fer translatin' the odd piratical phrase aft into Lubber Talk… unless 'e 'as too much grog, when 'is senses sink t' th briny deep an' e be as smart as a barrel o' bilge!

 

Enjoy yersen on this most propitious o' days, keep yer Cutlass sharp an' yer powder dry me boyos!

 

Now Splice th' Mainbrace an' be quick about it!

—

🏴‍☠️ It's always struck me as odd that the "Pirates of the Caribbean" DVD had a piracy warning – Yarrr!

 

 

STRANGE NOTE

This morning I discovered what I can only describe as a warning note magnetted to the fridge door.

The note advised me that unless I talked like a pirate tomorrow – International Talk Like A Pirate Day – nobody would understand what I was talking about.

 

I take this to mean that Wilson will pretend not to know what I'm talking about, but in order to enter into the spirit of the event I shall dig out my Pirate-English-Pirate Translation Dictionary and do my best…

 

In place of the original message I left a note asking whether Nërp could possibly repair the fridge door now the heatwave has passed.

 

Only one sleep to go until the Big Day: unless you're an anteater, of course, in which case there's about seven – anteaters do sleep a lot – it's Nature's Way of keeping them out of mischief!

 

ALSO: by staying up very late last night, Wilson has just managed to design a free Pirate Mask for you to wear tomorrow on Talk Like A Pirate Day!

—

🏴‍☠️ A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: “They’re benign.” The pirate replies: “no, no doc, there be 11. I counted 'em before I came here.” – Yarrr!

 

 

 

CUT-OUT PIRATE FIGURE

You might be wondering why Talk Like A Pirate Day seems like such a big deal to Wilson and Byron. 

I don't fully understand the reasons, but for anteaters it is second only to Xmas in the calendar of celebrations, and it is particularly significant to Pastafarians – so for Pastafarian Anteaters you can imagine the anticipation and excitement involved! 

In keeping with the spirit of the day, here's something to decorate your Mess Room while you're having dinner on TLaP day.  

— 

In other news, the Blog was nine years old yesterday – Happy Birthday, Blog! Help it celebrate by telling all your friends about it: https://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/

FREE CAR WINDOW STICKER

Wilson has asked me to point out that these car window or bumper stickers have accidentally been printed on a rare pirate treasure map, so please don't throw them away – but don't go searching for the treasure without him!

—

🏴‍☠️ What happened when Bluebeard the Pirate fell overboard in the Red Sea? He got marooned –Yarrr!

 

 

PRINTABLE PIRATE BEER MATS

Aha – I know what's been going on!

 

It's only a few days until International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and yesterday the would-be Pirates were busy printing Pirate Merchandise!

 

Apparently the printer has run out of ink, so here is a sheet of beer mats or drinks coasters for you to print out yourself – using YOUR printer ink instead of MINE! 

 

They'll come in handy if you happen to spill a drop of Grog – or Blood – come Talk Like a Pirate Day!

 

 

CLANDESTINE ACTIVITY

After the tension of yesterday's confrontation with Andrew, I was really looking forward to a hearty breakfast this morning… but I have been locked out of the dining room!

In other news, I can't find Wilson, Byron or Nërp.

 

Even Jīqìrén is not in her customary place slumped in front of the tv watching cartoons.

 

I can hear movement and low voices in the dining room, and the printer sounds as though it's on overdrive.

 

The sTone Brothers have been posted outside the door to repel intruders, but even they won't tell me what's occurring.

 

Something is definitely going on – but in the meantime, I suppose I shall have to eat in the kitchen…

 

 

VERDICT

Nobody was looking forward to telling Andrew the outcome of yesterday's Family Meeting.

When the time came to break the news, Wilson grew visibly nervous, putting on a protective anorak and a hard hat before venturing outside to confront the bird.

 

Dave the Pig accompanied him in his role of Guard Piglet, although I think he'd have preferred not to be there, and all the insects and younger toys wisely remained indoors for their own safety.

 

I think Andrew may have guessed which way the decision had gone, as he belligerently strutted out to confront Wilson – the new sign on the beach hut door might have been a clue. 

 

He strode up to Wilson and began to Guilt Trip him, reminding him of what mates they'd been back in the day.

 

Byron tried a conciliatory approach, holding out the lunch box and explaining, 'We prepared this for you so you're not hungry on your trip.'

 

Andrew strode aggressively over to where Byron had placed the box and fluttered up to grasp the handle.

 

After a moment's vigorous flapping, he announced, 'I can't lift it, I'm too weak from malnourishment. What have you put in it anyway – lead weights?'

 

Byron replied that it was full of Cheesy Wotsits, and some Honey Sandwiches from Polly.

 

Andrew grudgingly conceded that he might just give it a once-over if anyone could be bothered to undo the catch for him.

 

An hour later, after Andrew had departed – leaving behind nothing but an empty lunch box, a bad atmosphere and a small pile of guano – Wilson announced cheerfully, 'Well, that didn't go too badly; at least nobody was maimed or lost an eye…'