THE FUTURE OF SNACKING – NOW!

Wilson has now worked yesterday's photo of him with a tub of Pot Termites into a poster.

 

I'm not certain such a poster would persuade me to buy a pack of Instant Park Termites, but to be fair I'm probably not the target audience.

 

Wilson assures me that 'Novelty is King' in the pre-packed snack game, and the colour scheme has been 'Specifically fine-tuned to appeal to anteaters and other insectivores.'

 

I assume this just means that Wilson likes the colours and Byron didn't raise any objection…

 

Anyway, Wilson has made this poster available to all his friends to print out and stick up where they work, preferably near the tea or coffee-making facilities, so it gives everyone the munchies…

 

 

NEW SNACK SENSATION

So Wilson's groundbreaking invention was not, after all, a new face mask for animals – it is instead what he rather grandly calls The future of snacking!

 

It's a sort of Termite-flavour Pot Noodle, but without the noodles – you can either microwave it or add boiling water and in sixty seconds you have an allegedly delicious bowl of Hot Termites. 

 

It sounds absolutely vile, but he's shown it to Byron and got a very positive reaction.

 

Now it remains only to see what his friend and business partner Arnold* makes of it…

 

Claws crossed!

—

*Visit Arnold here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CCjOIfNBC74/

or search for the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

ROYAL ACADEMY OF ARTS

Wilson has yet to hear from the Royal Academy of Arts and has grown tired of waiting for them to call – he's left Byron in the Library to deal with them if they do eventually make contact, while he is in his study working on his new invention.

 

It's a bit too early to tell what it is, but I'm guessing it might be a new model of his Snoot Face Mask for Animals – perhaps with a replaceable filter in the end? 

 

He and Antony are deeply engrossed in the finer details of its design, and TT is… well, he's sleeping. As usual.

 

Whatever this 'amazing wonder product that will make us all rich and famous' turns out to be, I'm sure I'll find out soon enough – and when I know, you'll know!

 

Since yesterday I've done a bit of research on Gilbert and George, and I'm wondering just how appropriate they are as role models for a pair of young anteaters – for a start, a lot of their artwork seems to involve poo, and the police have been called to investigate their Scapegoating Pictures show at a gallery in Belfast! 

 

 

NOW WE WAIT...

Byron and Wilson are now relaxing in the library waiting expectantly for an approach from the Royal Academy, inviting them ('begging' was Wilson's choice of phrase) to become members of the RA to replace Gilbert and George.

While they wait they are both sipping cocktails so that, should their invitation arrive via FaceTime or Zoom they will both look suitably sophisticated… and drunk in the daytime 🤔

While being a Living Artwork yesterday (which he said was actually a bit boring) Wilson had a chance to do some thinking and has invented a new product.

He can't wait to tell his friend Arnold* about it, and hopes it might cheer him up a bit following his recent injury.

_________

*Visit Arnold here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CCjOIfNBC74/

or search for the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

LIVING ARTWORKS

Both boys are in the garden balancing on plinths, carrying placards, while rotating very slowly.

 

As they turn, a tape recorder plays the theme song from 80s nostalgic British comedy series Hi-de-hi!:

Well, if you're feelin' lonely, and gettin' in a stew

Just bend your ear, come over here

And man here's what you do

If you got the blues, I got some news

Join in the fun in your blue suede shoes

Do the holiday rock

Do the holiday rock

Hi-de-hi-de-hi

Ho-de-ho-de-ho

Go, Go, Go do the holiday rock

over and over again.

 

It must be said that Wilson is finding the simultaneous turning and placard-carrying quite difficult and sometimes wobbles alarmingly… but perhaps that's part of the performance.

 

I'm also a little worried that after half-an-hour of spinning, albeit very slowly, they might both be getting a bit dizzy and risk falling off their podia!

 

 

GILBERT AND GEORGE QUIT RA

Byron has just come into breakfast in a state of high excitement.

 

Brandishing his iPad at Wilson, he explained that he'd just read artists Gilbert and George have had a falling-out with the Royal Academy and quit.

 

'That leaves the door wide open for us, Bro!' he told Wilson, who carried on chewing his cereal with ants ruminatively.

 

Byron persisted, 'Don't you see what a great opportunity this is for us to become the country's foremost Living Artworks?' 

 

Wilson slowly put down his spoon and asked, 'What exactly is a "Living Artwork"? Is it hard work, and how much does it pay?'

 

Byron gave his brother a brief resumé of the careers of Gilbert and George, stressing how much their work sold for.

 

Wilson listened quietly before objecting, 'But I'm right in the middle of an advertising campaign for Park Termites – would I have time to do both things?'

 

Byron then played his trump card, saying, 'The Prime Minister has just awarded a £140M grant for the arts…'

 

Wilson immediately jumped up from the table and left the room with Byron leaving Antony to finish his cereal for him – calling back to instruct him to share it with Pterry…

—————

https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2020/jul/12/gilbert-and-george-quit-royal-academy-over-dashed-hopes-for-major-exhibition?utm_term=LTIwMDcxNw%3D%3D&utm_campaign=ArtWeekly&utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&CMP=artweekly_email 

 

 

THIS IS NOT AN ANTEATER

The package from Arnold has been opened, the termites tasted (and pronounced to be 'Totes Delicious') and Wilson and Byron are now in the Vermilingua Contemporary hanging the painting on loan from Arnold.

After it had been hung and lit, Wilson stared at it for a few minutes, then mused aloud to himself, 'I wonder why it's called "This is NOT an anteater" when it's obvious to anyone with eyes that it IS an anteater?'

Byron patiently explained that it was a surrealist work, after a painting by the famous Belgian artist René Magritte.

'Yes,' Wilson interrupted, 'but why is it called "This is NOT an anteater" when it IS?'

'Well, think about it,' Byron continued, 'is it an anteater… or is it a painting of an anteater?'

STOP PRESS: Wilson learned yesterday that Arnold has suffered a serious tail-related injury – our thoughts are with him at this difficult time 😢👩‍⚕️❤️

_________

Visit Arnold here: https://www.instagram.com/p/CCjOIfNBC74/

or search for the.gourmet.anteater

SPECIAL DELIVERY

A parcel has been delivered from America!

 

Pterry (the only person who has no idea what's inside) is extremely excited, jumping up and down on it and shouting, 'What is it, Mummy? What's inside? Is it a present? Is it for me?' and so on.

 

To save you worrying about it until Saturday, and to reduce the levels of tension and stress in the world, I will reveal now that the package probably contains a painting on loan from Wilson's friend Arnold* and with any luck some more sample termites for Wilson and Byron to taste-test!

_____

Reminder – there will be no post tomorrow, but normal service will be resumed on Saturday 🤞

*Arnold – IG: the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

 

TERMITE MARKETING BOARD

Wilson has received a telephone call.

He initially thought it was from the Termite Marketing Board, calling to commend him on his advertising!

 

Unfortunately, it actually was from the Association of Termite and Pest Exterminators, demanding to know, as they put it, What on earth he thought he was doing *selling* termites?'

 

Wilson was caught off guard for a moment but deftly turned the conversation to his advantage by talking about Green Conservation and the Web of Life.

 

Eventually he even sold them a couple of tins – the exterminators intend to sprinkle a few termites around the homes of prospective customers to drum up business! 

 

Not very ethical, perhaps, but this is a fledgeling business...

_____

ADVANCE WARNING – tomorrow's post will be later than usual and there will be no post on Friday. ☹️

Normal service will be resumed on Saturday 🤞

 

 

TERMITES ARE GO!

Last night Wilson got the go-ahead from Arnold* to proceed with the latest design!

 

Following a very early start, the billboard posters are now ready (and the printer is completely out of ink) and the first Park Ants by Arnold poster is in place.

 

Wilson, Byron and Nërp are standing round discussing it, generally admiring their handiwork and wondering how long it will be before orders start pouring in and they're all joint millionaires…

 

I hope they're not holding their breath for that!

_____

*Arnold – IG: the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

AWAITING A DECISION

Wilson is on tenterhooks awaiting a decision from Arnold about the revised

Tinned Termites packaging design.

 

He's especially anxious because he has already designed the poster advertising and booked several billboards to put them on.

 

I hope he hasn't paid for these in advance! 

 

I'll find out soon enough when my Visa bill arrives…

 

He's passing the time by watching old episodes of detective show VERA with Antony and drinking more coffee than is really good for him.

 

In normal times he'd be drinking Ant Gin, but he wants to keep a clear head in case Arnold wants another Zoom Conference to discuss things!

 

 

CLIENT PRESENTATION

In light of feedback from his Focus Group, Wilson has completely redesigned the packaging for the Tinned Termites.

 

Today he is making a Client Presentation of the revised design to Arnold*.

 

He's quite nervous and really hoping that Arnold likes it.

 

We'll have to wait and see: what with living in America, Arnold may not even be awake at the moment – it might be the middle of the night there!

_____

*Arnold – IG: the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

 

Ant Wars 2: MARKET RESEARCH

Yesterday I suggested to Wilson that perhaps he should do some Market Research about the design of the packaging for his and Arnold's Tinned Termites project.

 

He took my suggestion surprisingly well, and this morning he made a presentation to what he calls his Focus Group – and discovered that the termite image on his Tinned Termites design was not universally popular.

 

While he and Byron agreed that the termites on the tin looked 'well succulent' some of the others disagreed.

 

Even those with the most catholic of tastes found the image – particularly the wings – 'a bit yucky…'

 

Still, that's the whole point of Focus Groups and Market Research: to find out what people *really* think.

 

Consequently, the can has been redesigned, with less emphasis on the food itself, more on its nourishing qualities and allegedly delicious taste…

 

I think it looks much better now – although I wouldn't want to eat it – or even touch the tin, actually…

 

You can see it tomorrow when Wilson makes his Client Presentation to Arnold!

 

 

TERMITE PACKAGING

With the opening event at the gallery now behind him, Wilson has turned his thoughts to designing the packaging for his friend Arnold's* Termite business.

 

Here he is discussing his first dummy can with Marketing Manager Antony, before he adds the text – what do you think?

 

I think it looks perfectly vile, but then, I'm not a great lover of insects.

 

Except for Bumble Bees – I think they're great, and I'm only sorry they're having such a tough time recently…

 

I might have a quiet word with the boys about doing a bit of Market Research…

______

 

*Arnold – IG: the.gourmet.anteater 

 

 

EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP

No visit to any attraction managed by Wilson would be complete without a visit to the Gift Shop.

 

Here you can purchase many beautiful souvenirs of your visit to The Vermilingua Contemporary and Byron's Retrospective show, including: charming decorative Memphis-style rocking anteater ornaments and delightful Souvenir Paint Remover!

 

Please be aware that cashier Uncle Zoltan is finding the new Fisher-Price Contactless Card Reader a bit confusing, which is making him quite… testy. 

 

Not to put too fine a point on it, he is irascible, ill-tempered and short-fused – to be frank, he's got a stinger and he knows how to use it, so please don't argue with him about, well, anything really!

 

This sadly concludes your visit to the Vermilingua Contemporary Gallery and your viewing of the Byron Vermilingua Retrospective Exhibition – Wilson and Byron hope you have enjoyed your time here and will spend liberally on souvenirs to commemorate your tour of the gallery.

 

Although this is the final day of the current show, in his untiring and tenacious efforts to meet your ongoing artistic needs Wilson has negotiated the loan of an 'extremely famous' painting from an American gallery. He'll show it to you as soon as it arrives and has been safely hung.

 

Today: he is trying to obtain a cheap deal on insuring its passage across the Atlantic…

 

Tomorrow: something completely different!

 

 

ARTIST AT WORK: GESTURAL ABSTRACTION

Here, at last, is the day you've possibly been waiting for: the day when Byron demonstrates the art of Gestural Abstraction.

 

GA (aka Action Painting) can get a bit messy, so I hope you heeded yesterday's warning about not wearing your best clothes!

 

Of course, if you are at all nervous about this you could always hire an umbrella or buy a disposable protective poncho in the Gift Shop.

 

Byron is in the middle of the gallery channelling Norman Bluhm or Jackson Pollock at their chaotic messiest – he stands in a maelstrom of paint, covered in multicoloured smudges and splashes, while behind him hangs a work he completed earlier.

 

Please don't touch this as the paint is still wet – it will be available for purchase once it has dried out!

 

If you do happen to get some paint on your clothes, feel free to avail yourself of a bottle of Souvenir Paint Remover from the Gift Shop.

 

Ant Wars 2: RETROSPECTIVE DAY 4: ABSTRACT MINIMALISM

Here you can see Nërp answering a visitor's questions about Abstract Minimalism and the artist.

Nërp answered all the young lady's questions in a professional and erudite manner although… well, if I didn't know better I'd swear he was flirting with her!

When I think of all the useful modules Nërp doesn't have installed, yet he does have this one! 🙄

Tomorrow, the final day of Byron's Retrospective Show, we have something quite special for you – Byron will be giving a demonstration of Gestural Abstract Painting!

This promises to be very interesting and exciting, although he has asked me to warn you against wearing your best clothes…