Holiday preparations

The new series of Big Brother started last night and, in a triumph of hope over experience, we sat down to watch the new housemates arrive. They turned out to be another bunch of self-absorbed, pretentious boors of the sort who get human beings a bad name.

'Quelle surprise!' as Wilson observed.

Today, though, we have started packing for our forthcoming holiday — we're off to Jersey in a few days! 

Wilson has made all the arrangements so I shall just sit back and enjoy the experience. W has promised me that it will be 'A holiday we will never forget!' 

I so hope he means that in a good way…

email surprise!

Guess what Wilson found waiting for him when he opened his in-box this morning — a photo of himself in the captain's chair of HMS Belfast! 

One of his friends, Bob, was visiting the ship the same day we were, and asked W whether he'd pose for this photo. 

How kind! Thank you, Wilson's friend Bob!

Andrex Moist Wipes

In spite of hating water (he thinks I don't know he only pretends to shower) Wilson is quite fastidious about his personal hygiene. He will use only Wright's Coal Tar Soap, for example, and his favourite brand of aloe vera-impregnated toilet tissue.

As a luxury he treated himself to a new brand of moist wipes: Andrex Kids' Fun Watermelon Fragrance Moist Wipes. He was very disappointed in them, storming out of the bathroom complaining that they weren't fun at all! 

I tried to calm him down by asking whether they were any less fun than his usual brand, but he said that moist wipes are never fun! It was only when I pointed out that he'd bought them two-for-the-price-of-one that he agreed not to fire off a very stiff email to Andrex.

Setting off for home...

Here we are at the station boarding the train home. 

Wilson was exhausted and slept for most of the journey, rousing himself occasionally to shout phrases like, 'Full Ahead Stern' or 'Start Making Smoke'... much to the amusement of the other passengers.

Wilson avoids getting wet!

On the way back to the station to catch our train back to Uckfield, we pass these tiny fountains set into the ground. Wilson is not fond of water, in fact he actively dislikes it, but he can't resist playing the game of trying to run through the fountains without getting wet. 

He leaves his hat with me for safe keeping, but when he has finished he is barely damp.

Tower Bridge, London

Here we are at London's famous Tower Bridge. 

Wilson wants to take the tour of the bridge, which includes the huge engines and a walk along the upper gantry, but there just isn't time today. 

I promise him that we will return and take the tour another day.

Exit Through the Gift Shop

Before we could leave HMS Belfast we obviously had to Exit Through the Gift Shop, and Wilson decided that the one thing in the world he couldn't live without was a sailors' cap.

Once ashore, it doesn't take him long to find a restaurant. 

Ship's Rations

Wilson really loved the engine rooms and we seemed to spend most of our time down there. Eventually we emerged and Wilson announced that he was starving and would like to visit the Ship's Mess for lunch. 

All that was on offer on-board were light snacks, so we're heading ashore, or 'Going on shore leave' as W puts it, in search of 'rations — and a tot of rum'!

As an artificer, Wilson is a natural!

Now we have descended even further into the bowels of the ship's engine room, and Wilson is examining the ship's boilers. 

He keeps wiggling knobs and saying, 'Make it so, Mister Riker!'

Wilson is puzzled...

Here you can see Wilson in the engine room of HMS Belfast, looking at the Bridge Telegraph Engine Room Repeater. 

He is puzzled by the command to "Make Smoke", and I have to confess I can't explain it either. In any case, the entire ship is a no-smoking area...

Wilson is a bit over-excited...

Wilson is now getting very excited about our holiday in Jersey; so excited that he has already packed his case and can no longer sleep at night. 

To calm him down and give him something else to think about, I'm taking him up to London to see HMS Belfast, an old WWII warship moored on the River Thames. 

I hear that there is a lot of machinery to see and a lot of climbing involved, so he should enjoy it.

The new statue is installed, and everyone is happy!

Wilson has installed the new bust in the niche in the Folly! It looks very well there, and everyone is happy — even Antony is no longer scared to go into the garden with his Tiny Toy. 

This strikes me as a Very Good Result!

Wilson makes a purchase!

Finally Wilson has found something he likes and which he can (just about) afford. It really is very pretty, although I think it's only a reproduction. 

W's only disappointment is that in spite of 20 minute's  of haggling he had to pay the full asking price.

Wilson makes a generous offer

Wilson has spied a small statue that he likes, which would fit the niche in the folly and is in all ways ideal… except for the price. 

Taking his cue from his Antiques Road Trip heroes Anita Manning, James Lewis and Philip Serrell he told the proprietor, 'I really like this!. It's very cheeky, but it's a lot more than I want to pay. I'm going to offer you… £7.25 for it. What do you say?

We were asked to leave the shop. 

Standing outside on the pavement, Wilson confided that either bargaining is much harder than it at first appears, or Antiques Road Trip is a set-up. 

I incline to the latter view.

CHECK THIS OUT! 

May has been a very busy month for Wilson Vermilingua OBE!

I've just uploaded the latest monthly volume of Ant Wars II: May 2013 so you can catch up on anything you've missed.

Please tell all your friends, as it is Wilson's stated ambition for his life story to be, as he puts it, "As Popular as Birthday Cake!". 

You can download it or read it online at:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/ant_wars_2_may_2013

or catch up with backnumbers here:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon

Photographs of the lovely WILSON are by Tamanduagirl at 

          http://www.livingwithanteaters.com/ 

and are used by kind permission.

We set out on our quest...

We set off on a tour of local ANTique shops. Wilson has watched several episodes of Antiques Road Trip and is certain that he can bargain anything he sees down to a fraction of it's original price. 

So far, however, he hasn't liked anything he's seen... so his bargaining skills have yet to be tested.

Wilson locates several anteater statues!

Difficult, but not impossible! Wilson has located several anteater statues, although they are all the wrong shape or size to fit the niche. This is perhaps fortunate, as they are also all owned by American zoos or universities. With the exception of one, which is the right size and shape… but inappropriate.

Actually, it's a tiny bit rude, and Wilson was quite embarrassed by it! That picture is not on the fridge door, it's in the bin. W insisted.

ANTique shopping

Wilson shows Antony and his Tiny Toy that there is no longer anything to fear in the garden. 

Now that the Folly niche is vacated, we shall soon set off to visit antique shops in search of a stone or marble bust to fill it. 

Wilson is hoping for a statue of an anteater, immediately seizing on the name of the shops — ANT-ique — assuming they will be stuffed full of ant-related items, but I think an anteater statue is going to be difficult to find…

The sTone Brothers move away

I cannot tolerate those dreadful curtains a moment longer! At my insistence, Wilson has moved the sTone brothers from the Folly to the fish pond. Antony is not allowed round there, in case he falls in the water, so he will never have to gaze upon their sinister, and frankly nightmarish, visages again. 

The curtains have been consigned to the dustbin and the Folly is restored to its former beauty.

This strikes me as a satisfactory solution.

Wilson is kept in the dark...

We arrived home safely from our shopping expedition, although Wilson couldn't actually see much of the journey. 

It's possible his hat will have to be kept for special occasions. Occasions when he doesn't need to see much.

I wonder how much this is costing?

I had to persuade Wilson not to visit junk shops looking for a battered and suspicious-looking violin case in which to conceal his Splurge Gun. Or 'Chicago Typewriter' as he's started referring to it…

Driving home, you can imagine my surprise as we passed this bus!