CARA DELEVIGNE

While the wedding guests were arriving, Wilson suddenly sat bolt upright, almost dropping his bottle of tequila, when he saw Cara Delevigne arriving in her black suit and top hat! 

He thought she was some sort of time-shifting doppelgänger of his old love, gamine chanteuse and Eurovision runner-up Nina Morato, whose portrait has adorned his bedroom wall for many years…

'Such a clever idea, writing her initials on her wrist, in case she forgets them!' he told me later, 'I think I might try that myself…'

Later there was an awkward incident during the service – the part where the vicar asks, 'If any of you know cause, or just impediment, why these two Persons should not be joined together in Holy Matrimony, speak now, or forever hold your peace…' 

Uncle Zoltan jumped up and shouted, 'I do! I know of Cause or Just Impediment! But I shan't tell ye what it is – ye'll all find out soon enough…'

No one took any notice, because Uncle Z always does that at weddings – he can't help himself. But I think he was labouring under the same misapprehension Wilson once held: that the people on TV can hear what we're saying if we shout loudly enough!