Exit Through the Gift Shop

Before we could leave HMS Belfast we obviously had to Exit Through the Gift Shop, and Wilson decided that the one thing in the world he couldn't live without was a sailors' cap.

Once ashore, it doesn't take him long to find a restaurant. 

Ship's Rations

Wilson really loved the engine rooms and we seemed to spend most of our time down there. Eventually we emerged and Wilson announced that he was starving and would like to visit the Ship's Mess for lunch. 

All that was on offer on-board were light snacks, so we're heading ashore, or 'Going on shore leave' as W puts it, in search of 'rations — and a tot of rum'!

As an artificer, Wilson is a natural!

Now we have descended even further into the bowels of the ship's engine room, and Wilson is examining the ship's boilers. 

He keeps wiggling knobs and saying, 'Make it so, Mister Riker!'

Wilson is puzzled...

Here you can see Wilson in the engine room of HMS Belfast, looking at the Bridge Telegraph Engine Room Repeater. 

He is puzzled by the command to "Make Smoke", and I have to confess I can't explain it either. In any case, the entire ship is a no-smoking area...

Wilson is a bit over-excited...

Wilson is now getting very excited about our holiday in Jersey; so excited that he has already packed his case and can no longer sleep at night. 

To calm him down and give him something else to think about, I'm taking him up to London to see HMS Belfast, an old WWII warship moored on the River Thames. 

I hear that there is a lot of machinery to see and a lot of climbing involved, so he should enjoy it.

The new statue is installed, and everyone is happy!

Wilson has installed the new bust in the niche in the Folly! It looks very well there, and everyone is happy — even Antony is no longer scared to go into the garden with his Tiny Toy. 

This strikes me as a Very Good Result!

Wilson makes a purchase!

Finally Wilson has found something he likes and which he can (just about) afford. It really is very pretty, although I think it's only a reproduction. 

W's only disappointment is that in spite of 20 minute's  of haggling he had to pay the full asking price.

Wilson makes a generous offer

Wilson has spied a small statue that he likes, which would fit the niche in the folly and is in all ways ideal… except for the price. 

Taking his cue from his Antiques Road Trip heroes Anita Manning, James Lewis and Philip Serrell he told the proprietor, 'I really like this!. It's very cheeky, but it's a lot more than I want to pay. I'm going to offer you… £7.25 for it. What do you say?

We were asked to leave the shop. 

Standing outside on the pavement, Wilson confided that either bargaining is much harder than it at first appears, or Antiques Road Trip is a set-up. 

I incline to the latter view.

CHECK THIS OUT! 

May has been a very busy month for Wilson Vermilingua OBE!

I've just uploaded the latest monthly volume of Ant Wars II: May 2013 so you can catch up on anything you've missed.

Please tell all your friends, as it is Wilson's stated ambition for his life story to be, as he puts it, "As Popular as Birthday Cake!". 

You can download it or read it online at:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon/docs/ant_wars_2_may_2013

or catch up with backnumbers here:

http://issuu.com/friendlydragon

Photographs of the lovely WILSON are by Tamanduagirl at 

          http://www.livingwithanteaters.com/ 

and are used by kind permission.

We set out on our quest...

We set off on a tour of local ANTique shops. Wilson has watched several episodes of Antiques Road Trip and is certain that he can bargain anything he sees down to a fraction of it's original price. 

So far, however, he hasn't liked anything he's seen... so his bargaining skills have yet to be tested.

Wilson locates several anteater statues!

Difficult, but not impossible! Wilson has located several anteater statues, although they are all the wrong shape or size to fit the niche. This is perhaps fortunate, as they are also all owned by American zoos or universities. With the exception of one, which is the right size and shape… but inappropriate.

Actually, it's a tiny bit rude, and Wilson was quite embarrassed by it! That picture is not on the fridge door, it's in the bin. W insisted.

ANTique shopping

Wilson shows Antony and his Tiny Toy that there is no longer anything to fear in the garden. 

Now that the Folly niche is vacated, we shall soon set off to visit antique shops in search of a stone or marble bust to fill it. 

Wilson is hoping for a statue of an anteater, immediately seizing on the name of the shops — ANT-ique — assuming they will be stuffed full of ant-related items, but I think an anteater statue is going to be difficult to find…

The sTone Brothers move away

I cannot tolerate those dreadful curtains a moment longer! At my insistence, Wilson has moved the sTone brothers from the Folly to the fish pond. Antony is not allowed round there, in case he falls in the water, so he will never have to gaze upon their sinister, and frankly nightmarish, visages again. 

The curtains have been consigned to the dustbin and the Folly is restored to its former beauty.

This strikes me as a satisfactory solution.

Wilson is kept in the dark...

We arrived home safely from our shopping expedition, although Wilson couldn't actually see much of the journey. 

It's possible his hat will have to be kept for special occasions. Occasions when he doesn't need to see much.

I wonder how much this is costing?

I had to persuade Wilson not to visit junk shops looking for a battered and suspicious-looking violin case in which to conceal his Splurge Gun. Or 'Chicago Typewriter' as he's started referring to it…

Driving home, you can imagine my surprise as we passed this bus!

Wilson's hat meets the public!

Wilson left the hat shop proudly wearing his new Fedora pulled low over his eyes. 

He kept it pulled so low, in fact, that I had to guide him across the pavement. He refused to lift the brim in case Dandy Dan should recognise him, adding, 'I owe it to Blousey to get home alive — it would be tragic if I got Splurged just as I'm about to make my first million and whisk her off to Hollywood!'

A purchase is made

Once inside the hat shop, Wilson was spoiled for choice with a vast array of Fedora-type hats. He told the very helpful assistant that he wanted to look like a 1920s Gangster… and like Leonard Cohen. He summed it up as, 'I want to look cuddly, but dangerous!'

Not sure that just a hat will do that… 

The assistant said she thought she might have just the thing, and in the picture you can see him trying it on. He stood in front of the mirror and muttered, 'If it was raining brains, Roxy Robinson wouldn't even get wet!' and, 'Hey, gimme that Splurge Gun!' out of the corner of his mouth. Then he sang a stanza from 'Famous Blue Raincoat' and announced, 'I'll take it, Doll! And don't even think about wrappin' it!''

I've never seen Leonard Cohen carrying a Thompson sub-machine gun.

Hat shop

We parked the car (at huge expense) and made our way to Wilson's chosen hat shop. 

Inside, the there was a very impressive choice of, well, hats. 

It could take W some time to make up his mind…

Hat shopping

Wilson really enjoyed himself at Bugsy The Musical — so much so that he wants to use some of his birthday money to buy himself a Bugsy-like Fedora hat. 

He popped in to the village first thing this morning, carrying some rolls of paper and a bucket of paste, asking me to pick him up in the car outside Boots the Chemist before we head off to Brighton to buy his Fedora. 

I hope he settles for just the hat and we don't have to trawl the town looking for a Zoot Suit. And a Thompson sub-machine gun.

Flying a kite...

Because the Eurovision Song Contest ran way past its schedule, Wilson had a very late night; by the time we'd chatted about the outcome it was past midnight before he headed off the the tumble dryer.

This morning he told me that, now he is six, he thinks he should be allowed to stay up late every night. I've told him 'we'll see' — I think we've known each other long enough for him to know what that really means, and he didn't persist with his argument. 

To prevent him brooding about Bonnie Tyler's poor showing we went to the park and flew his kite. I'm still very aware of the advice his psychiatrist gave me about physical activity and hobbies appropriate to an anteater. He's painted a picture on the kite since we last flew it — he's made a brilliant job of it, don't you think?

Wilson deals with his disappointment...

Wilson is stoical about last night's unfortunate UK result in the Eurovision Song Contest. He says that winning was 'Against All Odds' and he was 'Cryin' A Little' but then, 'Everybody Hurts'. As for 'Miss Bonnie' she had 'Given It All' but it was a 'Fools Lullaby' and now he had to 'Forget Her'. 'I'm A Fool' for thinking she could win, he added, but everything was 'Gonna Get Better'. 'It's A Heart Ache,' but 'It's A Jungle Out There.'

Did you see what he did there? I didn't know she'd even made that many records… 

However, Wilson was a little bit smitten by Denmark's Emmelie de Forest, and France's Amandine Bourgeois reminded him of his big sister Andrea.

He also thought Finland's 'Marry Me' was a very good song whose chances were ruined by Sweden listing it too early… but really I think he just liked Krista Siegfrids' shoes! 

I think he was frightened by the expanding vampire and the gremlins in Romania's song, but bravely didn't show it, just hugging Antony a little bit closer! 

I'm thinking Emmelie de Forest can expect an email proposing marriage to an anteater in the near future…